Not a good toddler-mom - Help x-posted in Toddlers

[crwilson]

Cross-posted in Toddlers:
When I got pregnant, I read everything I could about pregnancy, childbirth, and infants. Although I've never been a baby person, I loved having a baby. I felt like I had infinite patience and compassion.

Now she's almost 14 months old, and I'm really struggling. I somehow missed the books on normal toddler behavior, and I find myself getting frustrated a lot more quickly than I would like. I find myself saying "no" a lot and just in general getting uptight when she does the same thing over and over again. I know that she's teething right now, but nevertheless, I'm still getting irked when she cries about EVERYTHING. Sometimes she'll be sitting on the floor playing calmly and just start wailing. Little things bug me - she won't sit in a high chair in a restaurant (even though she does at home), she won't sit in the basket of the shopping cart, she won't ever ride in a stroller, she's terrified of all small kitchen appliances (like blenders, mixers, and food processors). I can't justly complain about these things because I've worn her in the ergo everywhere we go, and I'm happy to continue doing so. I just feel like I've messed her up somehow because I see tons of other toddlers (including AP-toddlers) occasionally riding in carts and/or strollers. I just feel like a bad mom all of the sudden.

What are your favorite books about toddler development? Toddler discipline? How do all of you good toddler moms do it?

[Magella]

Your One Year Old

Your Two Year Old

Both of these books have excellent information regarding development. They are older so there is some outdated stuff in there (gender roles of parents, for example), and I didn't find them to be guides for how to discipline. But this whole series is very helpful for understanding typical developmental stages, imo, which is very helpful.

You might also like Adventures In Gentle Discipline, which is a parent to parent discipline guide with a lot of helpful advice from moms (many of whom are MDC moms). Other good books include Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline; Connection Parenting; Kids, Parents and Power Struggles; Raising Your Spirited Child.

You have not messed her up because she won't ride in carts or strollers. Many kids don't like to do those things. Some kids are too active and curious to tolerate riding in the cart/stroller-they want to be part of the action. Some kids feel more secure close to mom/dad, and so prefer to be close rather than ride in the cart/stroller.

There is no reason to judge your success or worth as a mother by how other people's children behave vs. how your own child behaves. All kids are different, and so much of how they behave has to do with their temperament rather than anything we do as parents.

[kathan12904]

The Sears Baby Book goes up to 2yo, and they are supportive of cosleep, extended bfing, ap, so their advice will go along with what you are already doing. I am suffering right now with a very attached baby. He just turned a year old and seems to whine at me more than he doesn't as well as demanding to be in my arms just about every minute of the day. I have to tell him no and turn away from him, let him whine and cry for a minute or two, before he will crawl away and find something to play with. He's actually pretty good at entertaining himself for short spurts, so long as I don't actually move or try to do any chores or anything. My daughter was so different. She is so independent. Of course, we had difficulty bonding b/c of our c/s while my ds and I got a great start at my hbac. Just try to hang on. They don't stay this way for very long, a mere blink of an eye compared to a lifetime, and when they are grown out of it, we'll cry over our lost cuddle bunnies.

[coleslaw]

Something that stuck me is that maybe she has a sensory thing going on that when she is out of the house, maybe things are too brght, too loud, too busy, etc and she doesn't want to leave you to sit in the stroller/high chair/cart because she's overwhelmed. Because you siad she does it at home, I thought this idea may be something to consider.

[kungfu_barbi]

hi cr,
you've already gotten great book rec's and parenting support. i hope you find what you are looking for.

may i just throw something else *out there* for you to ponder? take it or leave it, it's just something i've observed... i teach parenting classes, and i can tell you that across the board, i talk to many, many moms who feel just like you: frustrated. different kids' ages evoke those feelings, but every mom is surprised by intensity of the anger they have.

along with teaching parenting skills, i encourage moms to get in touch with what's triggering that anger response. a little bit of reflection and introspection can be so helpful.

some people think a parent's job is to help kids grow up, and i suppose that's true. but i can tell you, that my kids have really helped me *grow up* too.

be at peace

[Magella]

Originally Posted by kungfu_barbi

along with teaching parenting skills, i encourage moms to get in touch with what's triggering that anger response. a little bit of reflection and introspection can be so helpful.

some people think a parent's job is to help kids grow up, and i suppose that's true. but i can tell you, that my kids have really helped me *grow up* too.

Good advice. One book I absolutely love is Time Out For Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting by Cheri Huber. It's all about listening to your own feelings, reflecting on why you feel as you do, and caring for yourself-all so you can compassionately care for your child.

[JoyNChrist]

I just wanted to say that I know what you mean, and you're definitely not alone in feeling this way!

My DS turned one on March 1st, and like you we've done all the AP things (babywearing, cosleeping, breastfeeding, etc). Because of this (or at least I like to think so), he's a very attached and confident little guy, but sometimes he's "too attached", if you know what I mean. I'm a SAHM, and pretty much the entire first year was spent concentrating on him. But now that I'm ready to start doing some of my own thing (finishing my master's, quilting while he plays alone for a while, actually leaving him with my mom for a few hours so DH and I can go out or whatever), he's not adjusting at all. As long as he has my undivided attention, he's confident, happy, and loads of fun. But as soon as I walk out of the room or try to focus on something else, all hell breaks loose. And it's tough for both of us.

He also refuses to sit in a shopping cart or stroller, and I've wondered several times if I "spoiled" him by wearing him all the time.

Like you, I've often said to my husband that I'm a great "baby mom" but not so great with the toddler thing. But I'm sure that's not really the case, just like I'm sure it's not with you. It's just an adjustment period.

You're not alone, and you're not a bad mom. I promise!

[cmi]

Others have offered great advice and resources. I just wanted to add that when my 3 year old was 14 or 15 months I thought he would never let me leave him with anyone besides my husband, never sleep by himself (or for more than 3 hours at a time), and never play by himself and let me get things done around the house. And I thought frustrating behaviors like the ones you mentioned would go on forever. But while part of it's temperament of individuals, a lot of things toddlers do are temporary ("This too shall pass").

Another thing that struck me is that as toddlers get more verbal things get easier in many ways (and harder in others). In the meantime, getting rid of the worries that behaviors are your fault or worrying that your child is different than others should help a little with coping (easier said than done, I know).

[crwilson]

Thank you everyone - I can't tell you how much I needed to hear support right now. I've ordered the book recommendations from my library and look forward to doing some reading. I definitely think that the problem lies with me - I really haven't been around kids that much, so I really don't know how toddlers act. I just didn't expect to feel this angry about stupid things that TOTALLY don't matter. And I know that they don't matter, and then I'm doubly irritated with myself for getting irked about silly things.

I don't want to say that I thought it would be easy, but I had great role models in my parents - very gentle, no spanking, no timeouts, lots of understanding. And somehow I can't seem to figure it out. Reading and researching generally helps me though, and I'm going to try to make more of an effort to take care of myself too.

[momofmine]

I know I definitely had this much more with my first child. I also believe that when we become parents, all the things that subconsciously we absorbed as a child come out, maybe in different ways, but it comes up in us. So if we are feeling an intensity of anger or frustration, it is helpful to look at what is in us that is causing it. You sometimes don't have to do anything about it, but just acknowledge it, and that alone can help it to dissipate. One of the best books to help with this is Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, by Naomi Aldort. Another great book is Loving What Is, by Byron Katie.
I think also the knowledge that you are not alone, and that many mothers have a similar experience. I can say that I felt this way much more with my first child, and by the time I was a second-time mother, I had much more patience.
Best to you!

[UrbanSimplicity]

Just wanted to say that I could have posted your exact post, although my dd's 'quirks' are different, my experience is like yours. Around that age we went through a difficult time...I felt like she'd gone through this mental growth spurt and I couldn't keep up. Things worked out, but at 25 mos I'm feeling the same again. My advice is keep reading the books, keep coming to mdc, take alot of deep breaths and don't be afraid to apologise to your dd when you screw up. It will teach her that you are only human, it's ok to make mistakes and it's great to admit and learn from them.

Good luck!

[UrbanSimplicity]

Oh! And when teething, everything goes out the window....they are NEED-Y! I found that it was best to indulge it, give them tons of milks, compassion, etc and just when I was at my wit's end things got back to normal. "this too shall pass".

[titania8]

Originally Posted by kungfu_barbi

hi cr,
you've already gotten great book rec's and parenting support. i hope you find what you are looking for.

may i just throw something else *out there* for you to ponder? take it or leave it, it's just something i've observed... i teach parenting classes, and i can tell you that across the board, i talk to many, many moms who feel just like you: frustrated. different kids' ages evoke those feelings, but every mom is surprised by intensity of the anger they have.

along with teaching parenting skills, i encourage moms to get in touch with what's triggering that anger response. a little bit of reflection and introspection can be so helpful.

some people think a parent's job is to help kids grow up, and i suppose that's true. but i can tell you, that my kids have really helped me *grow up* too.

be at peace

thank you for saying that. i have been **really** struggling with my anger lately.

Originally Posted by sledg

Good advice. One book I absolutely love is Time Out For Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting by Cheri Huber. It's all about listening to your own feelings, reflecting on why you feel as you do, and caring for yourself-all so you can compassionately care for your child.

off to check my library for this book. thank you.

[berkeleyp]

Already lots of great suggestions here. I just want to add my empathy. My first is almost 3 and when she first became a toddler and now that she's continuing to become more independent - its scary. How did my sweet little baby turn into this?? you wonder. I find that parenting a toddler is just plain difficult and really pushes me to be more creative and patient. Meeting an infant's needs is pretty easy, especially with AP. meeting a toddlers needs when they are screaming at you or otherwise trying your patience is a lot harder. Every Gentle Discipline book I've read acknowledges that doing GD is not the easy way but I believe it is the better way and even though i often fall short of my own expectations and make lots of mistakes, I just keep working at being a better mom and slowly but surely I think its working.

[laoxinat]

Hey mama!! I too was a reluctant 'toddler mama'. That stage drove me batty. BUT! now that my two are older, I LOVE being a mama! Despite the stereotype, I have found teens to be so so much easier. And make no mistake, my two are no angels, lemme tell ya. But I remember what it was like to be a teen, so I listen and have really good communication and connection with my kids. I just wanted to give you some encouragement. Mostly, just don't let this stage or these behaviors sour you on kids. Know absolutely they will grow out of the more aggravating stuff. One of the most challenging aspects of parenting, IMO, is to get through the toddler years without completely alienating our DC Most of us have a time we really enjoy most, and toddlerhood usually ain't one of em!

[GuildJenn]

Great ideas here. I personally like the stages books. I also wanted to recommend "Happiest Toddler on the Block" - I don't think it is totally AP (I don't remember) but I think the "caveman" analogy, while a little cutesy, really helped me. It basically frames toddlers as, when upset, little primates, and just visualizing that helps me regain my sense of humour about things and some of the reflecting techniques are really good.

I also liked the reminder that kids WHEN UPSET may not process things the way they do the rest of the time.

Also not sure where I picked this up but for the "little things that drive you nuts" someone somewhere said that to a toddler, they really do NOT yet know that the blue cup is the same as the yellow cup for holding milk, that the sandwich cut into squares really is the same as cut into triangles. They just. don't. know. until they have experimented eleventy-thousand times. This really helps me with those things, to remember that here is someone that didn't know about gravity (ooooo it falls down!) and now doesn't know these things.

I wanted also to say that you have 18 years (plus) of stages... it is ok not to love all of them. it does not make you a bad parent even at those stages.

Honestly I think toddler-parents need regular breaks. It just takes so much mental energy to be CALM. I cannot remember which retro-parenting book from my mother had this line (Burton White maybe?) but it said that at some age in the toddler era the best parenting technique is a few hours of preschool a week. I don't think it has to be that, but I do think it is important to remember to fill your own well. Hang in there!

[JoyNChrist]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Honestly I think toddler-parents need regular breaks. It just takes so much mental energy to be CALM. I cannot remember which retro-parenting book from my mother had this line (Burton White maybe?) but it said that at some age in the toddler era the best parenting technique is a few hours of preschool a week. I don't think it has to be that, but I do think it is important to remember to fill your own well. Hang in there!

Oh my goodness, I agree with this SO much!

When DS was an infant, he never left my side. I mean, seriously, the thought of actually leaving him with someone could bring me to tears - I couldn't imagine wanting to be away from my baby.

But then about 3 weeks before his first birthday (which is also when he started walking), I realized I'd had about all I could take. So I dropped him off with my mom for 3 hours, and when I got back, I felt SO much better.

Now we have a system where, three days a week, DS goes home from work with my mom (she's a police detective and gets off at 4pm), plays, eats dinner, and gets a bath. I use this time to pick up and do some schoolwork (I'm working on my master's). When DH gets home, we have a quiet dinner by ourselves then go pick up DS. There's just enough time when we get home to read a couple books and have a few snuggles, then it's off to bed.

I realize that not everyone can have a setup like this, but I do think that regular breaks for toddler moms are important. On days that my mom doesn't get DS, for example, I make a point to take a nap with him, even if I have something more important I could be doing. Toddlers require SO much energy, and I think it's important to recharge.

I find that I'm a much better mom when I get a few breaks. At first I felt really bad for leaving him, but I justify it to myself like this - if I'm with my very demanding, spirited DS 24/7, I get tired, frustrated, and cranky. I'm not much fun when I'm like that, and I'm definitely not very good at gentle discipline. But when I get regular time away, I'm a more caring and attentive parent when we're together. So I guess it's kind of a quality vs quantity thing. Would I want to be a mediocre parent 100% of the time, or a great (or at least pretty good ) parent 85% of the time, and let DS hang out with someone else the other 15 percent? I choose the latter, and so far it's working out wonderfully.