Issues with saying "no"

[rainbow_mandala]

I've been doing a lot of inner healing in regards to anger lately, so I thought I'd share something I've learned about kids and the word "no". The general consensus among parents who practice gentle discipline is that using the word "no" should be done sparingly, if at all. I had agreed with this without question up until recently because I realized that it's not so much the word itself but our issues with it that makes it seem unacceptable to use.

When we resist the word "no" whether it be others saying no to us or us saying no to others, we are essentially saying that it's not okay to set limits. Of course, kids need limits, which is why often this resistance to saying no or feeling angry towards our kids ends up happening anyway. If we were to accept the use of no then it seems to me that it would only be used in the most appropriate of circumstances, but, most importantly, the energy that's transmitted to the child would be one of acceptance. Similarly, if we were to express anger towards our kids and then immediately feel guilty or ashamed this sends the message that it's not okay to be angry. Whereas, if we accept our anger in whatever form it presents itself (including accepting our feelings of shame or guilt) then we not only send the message to our kids that it's okay for them to express anger, but it will also more than likely manifest in healthy ways...as opposed to the rage that often comes out of people when they try to repress or reject their anger.

I just thought I'd share since this revelation has helped me heal tremendously. I'd love to hear other people's thoughts and ideas about this subject as well.

[mamazee]

I'm not sure I understand the point about no. I resist using it too much because I think it's less effective than other ways of saying things, and leads to unnecessary power struggles. I like to phrase things in the positive to make things easier, not to avoid limits. Limits are possible without much if any use of "no".

As for anger, I think it's normal and OK for my daughter to see me angry, so long as I'm not freaking out with anger. But for people to get angry and get over it and for things to be better again is a natural part of life. I don't try to shield my daughter from natural things like emotions, particularly when she has to deal with the same emotions. I think it's good for her emotional health to see other people going through the same things she goes through. Anyway, I've never avoided being angry around her. I'll even tell her when I'm angry and why. And she'll tell me when she's angry and why.

An aside - she was complaining about a group she's a part of because she's expected to be happy all the time. "They don't let me have any other emotions. People aren't happy all the time!"