Help with a "screamer"

[lovingmommyhood]

DS (20 months) is LOUD. He has been loud since the second his head was out of me. This is no exaggeration. The nurses and doctors were shocked at how loud he was and my DH was on the phone with someone telling them he had gotten there and they said "is THAT him?" He's just loud.

I've actually had a lot of heart ache over this during the past 20 months because extended family members have often taken it upon themselves to "fix" him for me by reprimanding him when he'd scream. It doesn't really matter what's going on that's his way. If he's mad, he screams, if he's happy, he screams. It used to bother me a lot because he wouldn't cry like a regular baby he would SCREAM at the top of his lungs making it really embarassing in public.

People would turn and look at us and say "holy crap!" I have left family dinners (restaurants) in tears because it's so embarassing and I'm tired of everybody starring at me and expecting me to do something about it.

Now that he's a little bit older it's gotten a little bit better but I feel like people's judgements are getting worse. Now that he's 20 months they think when he screams he needs to be put in time out or spanked. Like he's been this way his whole life but NOW he's just doing it to be a brat.

Don't get me wrong, it drives me nuts and most days I wear earplugs so that I can keep my cool.

Does anybody have any tips for me? When anything happens his first reaction is to shriek and scream. When DS1 takes something away from DS2 he doesn't just get a little mad, he's SCREAMING instantly at the top of his lungs. If I get him the wrong sippy cup he's SCREAMING. I have tried to tell him "no screaming" I have tried holding him on my lap as a time out (just makes him more angry and he ends up thrashing around and I'm pregnant so this hurts), I have tried talking to him about it (impossible to rationalize with a baby his age and plus he can't hear me over his own noise)...

Should I just keep accepting that this is his personality or do I need to consider that he's just behaving really badly and I need to find a way to change it? It's hard when I hear from family that I "might have to start spanking him" or that he needs to be in time out. He's my baby and I'm sick of people thinking poorly of him because of this. It's not what I base my decisions on but it does hurt my feelings that people think he's so bad.

I am at a loss.

*EDITED*

[Lolafanana]

He's so cute

I'm sorry but I have no advice since I have a screamer, too and am just about to go post about it but I know how hard it is and to you

[pishajane]

What about teaching him the difference between *inside voice* and *outside voice*? You could demonstrate for him by only using calm normal tone while inside the house, then go outside and holler. Make it fun for him. Obviously you'll have to keep reminding him - my 20mo dd needs CONSTANT reminders for lots of things - but slowly he'll learn. The hardest thing might be not raising your own voice when he screams, esp when he's reacting in front of someone. Practice at home lots before you try it while you're out and about.
Good luck mama, it's hard raising toddlers! But you're obviously doing a fantastic job just by the way you care so much.
HTH! Trish

[ktmama]

Actually, my first thought was to ask about his hearing. Have you had it tested?

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by pishajane

What about teaching him the difference between *inside voice* and *outside voice*? You could demonstrate for him by only using calm normal tone while inside the house, then go outside and holler. Make it fun for him. Obviously you'll have to keep reminding him - my 20mo dd needs CONSTANT reminders for lots of things - but slowly he'll learn. The hardest thing might be not raising your own voice when he screams, esp when he's reacting in front of someone. Practice at home lots before you try it while you're out and about.
Good luck mama, it's hard raising toddlers! But you're obviously doing a fantastic job just by the way you care so much.
HTH! Trish

That's a great suggestion. I'm going to start working on that today.

Originally Posted by ktmama

Actually, my first thought was to ask about his hearing. Have you had it tested?

I don't know, what would the other signs be? He passed his hearing test at the hospital but I've never tested him since.

He answers us when we ask him questions, sings songs that his brother has taught him, is easily woken up by the man upstairs walking around or vacuuming.

I don't want to totally dismiss that thought though because I don't know much about hearing loss.

[berkeleyp]

What about whispering a lot - all the time if necessary. I can't tell if you're joking about the earplugs but if you're not, I think you definitely need a better solution. Have you talked to a doctor or child psychologist about it? It sounds to me like there might be something going on with his hearing or otherwise.

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by berkeleyp

What about whispering a lot - all the time if necessary. I can't tell if you're joking about the earplugs but if you're not, I think you definitely need a better solution. Have you talked to a doctor or child psychologist about it? It sounds to me like there might be something going on with his hearing or otherwise.

No I'm not joking about the earplugs? He's LOUD and it's a lot easier to be patient with a screaming kid when the edge is taken off the noise. I don't feel I need a solution for myself I need a way to change his behavior. No I haven't talked to a dr. about it and I am not taking him to a psychologist.

I will try the whispering thing!

[Ruthla]

Getting his hearing tested is a good idea- he may hear some sounds clearly but other sounds could be jumbled- so he may be loud because he thinks that's "normal volume" for understandable speach.

I'm sure part of it is his inborn personality- but that doesnt' mean he can't be taught how to speak more softly. When my kids get too loud, I put both hands over my ears- it helps ME instantly with the sensory overload, it keeps me from yelling louder than them (which is my first instinct!) and it's a clear sign to my kids that they're being too loud.

All of my kids went through screaming phases just before they aquired recognizable speach. If they shreiked because they wanted something, they didn't get it- I told them "ask in a nice voice". Even if the "nice voice" was hardly more than a babble in the right tone of voice, that was acceptable.

We also emphasize the "inside voice" thing a lot. We had some days of practicing inside and outside voices, going inside and outside a lot to explain the concept. Now I can just give a gentle reminder and they know what I'm talking about.

Here's what I suggest:

When he screams in happiness, simply say "inside voice please!"

When he screams because he's upset about something, don't let him get what he wants until he makes an honest attempt to ask quieter. You want the other sippy cup? Well, you get no sippy cup until the screaming stops (or you only get this one until the screaming stops, assuming your child won't throw it across the room the way my kids did.) (No need to try and reason with a toddler here- just put the cup out of reach and tell him "Ask in a nice voice or I can't hear you" and do your best to tune him out until he quiets down a bit.

He's upset because another child took his toy? That's a bit harder because he's used to communicating this way, and, unlike the sippy cup that doesnt' care if it's being drunk from or not, the "I won't listen until you ask quietly" approach means that the other child gets to keep playing with the toy longer, and can breed a lot of resentment if your child is incapable of modulating his voice right away. When you're first teaching the "quiet voice" thing, I wouldn't focus on interactions with other kids. Let him master the technique before requiring it for stuff like this.

[raeinparis]

subbing, ds2 is a screamer too. i do the whispering sometimes and it helps *me* because i feel like i'm doing something.

i'm hearing impaired and i don't scream yo. my kids have great hearing, they look in the direction of sounds -- which i can't tell myself -- and tell me when someone's knocking, etc.

[lovingmommyhood]

He doesn't talk in a scream. Does that matter?? I am going to look into getting his hearing tested for sure if people think that could be it. I'd be glad to have a solution!

[lovingmommyhood]

Ruthla- I am going to work on not giving in to what he wants when he screams. In public it's very hard to hold out when I just want him to be quiet so people will stop starring. I know that is training him that screaming works though.

[Mom2E4]

Okay, I just needed to respond with some commiseration.

My son is just like yours. He was born at 2:30 in the morning, by 7:00 the nurses were saying, "Boy, that's going to get really old" because he did not cry, he screamed. His hearing is fine.

It did get old. He didn't speak much until after he was 2, so almost everything (especially big feelings, happy, upset, mad, excited) he tried to communicate was a scream. At about 2.5, he started talking in mostly complete sentences, and the screaming did stop some. We whispered in response, we talked a lot about inside voices, but that didn't seem to make much difference until around 2-2.5, so it could just be the timing of being able to communicate better too. Our family did not start out with gentle discipline, I'm very sorry to say, but punishing didn't do anything, so you can tell your family to forget that. (We started gentle discipline when he was around 2.) Also, over the years we have discovered that he is at least highly sensitive, he can't handle certain sounds, touches, textures, etc. I don't know if that plays a part in it or not.

It was hard. It was hard to get those looks of "You are a bad parent if your kid does this." He taught me so much, though. It is now much easier to ignore other people to be the kind of parent my kids need.

He's now almost 9. I'm happy to report, the screaming for the most part is gone, well, at least in public. If he is really upset and feels like he's not being heard, he still will resort to a short shrill scream at home. We just ask him to please use his words, and sometimes that works. Sometimes we just have to wait a bit for him to calm down, then we can work through it.

My DH said I should mention, though, that the younger one will learn to scream from him, just so you know.

[Mom2E4]

Forgot to say: at this age it did not help to withhold something he wanted, it just made him more and more upset and screaming. So I would just respond in a normal voice as I helped him, and mentioned using his voice to tell me. That seemed to get a better response, for us, because I wasn't trying to "train" him or he wasn't doing it to be "bad," that's just how he could tell me things. Later, it worked (somewhat) to ask him to use his words; around 3-4, maybe? It sounds like your son may be more verbal than mine was at that age, though. I guess I would just say, you know your son best.

[freeflykami]

Oh wow! I know how that is!!!! My DS now 3 was/still is a screamer! The nurses returned her to me after 20 min in the nursery. I wore earplugs as well, I know it sounds terrible to everyone else, but I could still hear her over the earplugs!

My biggest helper was signing. I did start it with her at 6 months, but I am sure that it can still help you. The biggest break through sign was "help" you put one fist on an open palm and lift up.

I also did the whispering and even not talking just moving my lips untill she stoped so she understood she couldn't hear me if she was screaming. It worked somewhat.
I would also say "my ears don't like it when you talk that way" and turn my back for a few seconds (this is realy hard but was recomended by her ped as long as there was no danger involved). And prasie her when she spoke in a normal voice or asked for help. This seems to work more now that she is 3.

Good luck! I know this doesn't help now but it will get better when he gets more verbal.
Kami

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by freeflykami

Oh wow! I know how that is!!!! My DS now 3 was/still is a screamer! The nurses returned her to me after 20 min in the nursery. I wore earplugs as well, I know it sounds terrible to everyone else, but I could still hear her over the earplugs!

My biggest helper was signing. I did start it with her at 6 months, but I am sure that it can still help you. The biggest break through sign was "help" you put one fist on an open palm and lift up.

I also did the whispering and even not talking just moving my lips untill she stoped so she understood she couldn't hear me if she was screaming. It worked somewhat.
I would also say "my ears don't like it when you talk that way" and turn my back for a few seconds (this is realy hard but was recomended by her ped as long as there was no danger involved). And prasie her when she spoke in a normal voice or asked for help. This seems to work more now that she is 3.

Good luck! I know this doesn't help now but it will get better when he gets more verbal.
Kami

I'm really glad to see by this post that there are other mothers who have children like this. DS does sign so that's why I feel like it's just the way he is and not a problem with his communication or hearing.

I don't understand why ANYONE thinks it's bad to wear earplugs. Bizarre.