Prom night, how late?

[MamaLisa1]

DD#1 is going to the prom with her boyfriend Thursday night. She is a sophomore and just turned 16, he is a senior and has been 18 since October. They are going in the limo with 6 other kids...all seniors, most already 18 also. They are leaving around 5, going to another girl's house to get in the limo, going for dinner, then to the prom which starts at 8. It goes till 12, but I think they plan on leaving around 10:30 or so, going back to the original limo pick up place, and then everyone is going to another girl's house for a party. Most are staying all night. My initial reaction was NO WAY is she going. She told me the parents will be home, but I have never met the parents, and I only have ever seen the girl once. All I know about that particular girl is that she is nice, but she smokes pot sometimes. I don't know what the parents allow, if there will be drinking, where their house even IS, or anything. I saw DD's IM conversation with her boyfriend, and they were both complaining about me being overprotective and he said his parents are cool with it.
I tried explaining to her that he is 18...old enough to be on his own. She is not. The latest she has been out was one time, she stayed out till 12:30. Mostly, she has to be home around 11ish. I base the curfew on where she is going and if it's a late movie, etc...
So, for a 16 year old, who is still rather naive and less mature than the other kids, what would be an acceptable curfew? My initial reaction was 1 am. Oh, and her boyfriend was being a "butt" and said he didn't know how she would get home if she couldn't go to the party with him. (not liking the boyfriend right about now between that, and him saying I wasn't allowed to go and take pictures of them getting in the limo...to which I told him if he wanted to give me reimbursement for her dress, shoes, purse, hair, nails, etc...then he could take away my rights to take pictures!). I told her to tell him he WILL bring her home and it will be at the time I specify as her curfew, or she will NOT go to the prom at all. Of course, I won't deny her going....but I need to throw out some kind of parental rules here. I am just not sure what time is appropriate. In the meantime, I plan on contacting the parents and finding out where they live, etc....I'm just not sure how I feel about her going anywhere afterwards. I had to come right home after my prom. My husband will say emphatically NO parties, since he knows too well what happens at most of them.
Any advice?

[ziggy]

I took a 16 year old (girl) to the prom when I was 18 (three years ago). However, neither of us was into drinking, drugs, or anything like that. We went to Dennys, went back to my house, and watched sci fi whilst making out until 3am. She slept on the couch, I crashed in my bed. The next morning we made pancakes.

Could they spend some time at your house, and then have the rest go to the other girl's house? Or is that just LAME to them?

[ColwynsMommy]

I think it depends on the situation. When I went to my senior prom, a friend planned to have everyone back at her house after to stay the night. These were kids that never drank, did drugs, had sex, or anything. My parents would have been fine with that, though they ended up renting us a hotel room. Granted.. I was nearly 18, I had been dating my long-distance boyfriend for over two years, and he (because of the distance) had been spending weekends at my house for over a year. They knew him well and liked him (thankfully, since we're married now!) So in some situations, I don't think it's harmful.

You seem to have (legitimate) issues with her boyfriend, though, and she's going to be the youngest there by about two years, right? That would make me nervous. My parents also let my sister have her boyfriend sleep over starting when she was close to 17 because he lived a good 45 minutes away, and she didn't want either of them driving that far that late at night. I think the first time was during a surprise heavy, heavy snowstorm, so he was kind of stranded here.

Can you get them to stay at your house? I think that would probably be the ideal, assuming they'd sleep in separate rooms. If he's a jerk and insists on going to the party, then I'd question his motives and insist that she be home by a certain time. Dunno what time, though. From what I recall, we were 'home' from the prom between midnight and 1am. FWIW, I don't think we even did anything that night, we were so exhausted.

ETA: I went back and reread your post, and it seems like you're figuring they'd leave the prom and be at the party for an hour or two before having to come home? That sounds like plenty of time to do the things you're nervous about.. I don't know that it would be a big deal to just let her stay the night if she's already going to be there for a while.

[MamaLisa1]

I had considered maybe letting her go to the girl's house till 1 and then they could come back here and watch movies for a while, and he could crash on the couch and she'd come up to her own bed. I am not sure though. She just told me that the girl told everyone who is coming that she is not allowing any drugs, alcohol, etc....but I just don't know.

[MamaLisa1]

Originally Posted by ColwynsMommy

Can you get them to stay at your house? I think that would probably be the ideal, assuming they'd sleep in separate rooms. If he's a jerk and insists on going to the party, then I'd question his motives and insist that she be home by a certain time.

He did change his tune and said of course he'd bring her back whenever I said to...he just spouts off sometimes, because I think he likes to act like Mr. Tough guy. She is going to get the phone number of the girl's parents tomorrow so I can call. ugh, this is so hard. I told her, when it's HER senior prom, it will be different...but she's a sophomore.

[UnschoolnMa]

If it were my Dd we'd probably say around 2 am or so, but if we were both comfortable it could be later. Perhaps you guys can touch base around midnight via cell phone if that would help you to feel a bit more relaxed. Also a phone call will help you to be sure she has a ride home.

[shelbean91]

I went to a prom all 4 years of high school. My boyfriend for the first 2 was 2 years older, so his junior and senior prom. My curfew was either 1 or 2- (don't remember). The dance ended at midnight each year. My junior prom, I spent the night at a good friends house, my mom knew, we were all in by 1. My senior year, I was dating my now dh, who is 4 years older. I was almost 18 and I had a curfew of 4am.

My graduation night, I was 18 and we spent the night at a friends who my parents didn't know well, his parents were home- providing beer.

I think your 1am curfew is reasonable.

[UUMom]

You can give the parents of the girl a call. One of the music parents at my ds' high school had a post-prom party...and the girls had to sleep upstairs and the boys downstairs. They were happy to take calls from anxious parents, and happy to have parents pick up, too. Whatever, yk? The mother was in the large upstairs living room with the girls...all night and she and the college age daughter spelled each other...and the father did night duty downstairs with the boys,. A college -age cousin and he spelled each other. Some won't believe it...but there was nothing 'wrong'that went on.

My ds' gf's mother didn't let her stay the whole night, but she picked her up at 2am (that was what they all agreed to) along with a couple of other parents who were also picking up, and she said it was exactly as it was stated...she said it was all very quiet and low key and the adults were awake...no alcohol, no crazyness, just soda pop and all night movies for those who stayed awake. My dh went over at 8am because our son had to work that day (they got dropped off in a limo) and all was low key. Some kids were still watching movies, some were eating panackes, some were in the pool etc; the parents were awake and everything was cool.

So it could very well be the most innocent thing in the world. Just sayin'. It was also not any big deal to anyone that some kids were picked up by their parents at various times.

ETA-- My ds just reminded me that this was Senior Banquet night, and not the prom. the school held an all night program after the prom...where they raffled off a car and rented a mechancial bull, among other things. My ds' gf did go to that as it is staffed by parents and bright -- like Vegas-bright.

[MamaLisa1]

Alyssa is getting the girl's phone number at school today, since it's unlisted. My DH has been out of town, so I emailed him the dilemma (he absorbs info better in writing anyway) so we will have to discuss it when we get home. I think I'm more willing to let her go do things than he is. I think he wanted her home by midnight!!!

[Bellejar]

Yeah, I would call the parents and ask about how they are planning to chaperone and make sure there will be no alcohol. Beyond that 2 or 3 am sounds reasonable.

[KBecks]

If the dance ends at midnight, then I'd expect her to be home by 1 a.m.

I think renting a limo is a bad plan because then they are stuck with the group so to speak.

You should call the parents of the other girl and find out where they live and the details of this party. You should be prepared to pick up your daughter at their house and you should let them know she is to be home by the curfew and you will come over to get her.

I'd expect your daughter to call you when they leave the dance and let you know where they are going.

Hope it all works out.

[double feature]

Wow, well I guess I'm no help in this situation. After-prom is a big deal here, possibly bigger than the prom dance itself. When my daughter went to her prom two years ago, a huge group of kids had rented a bunch of cabins about an hour north of where prom was being held, everyone spent the night. Obviously no parental supervision. My daughter was back home early afternoon the next day. Personally, I just wouldn't give her a curfew. Prom is such a huge occurrence, implementing some sort of curfew seems kind of overprotective. If you are genuinely concerned, I would talk to the parents of the girl hosting the party though.

[Sage.Naissance]

If I had a teenager(and this is how I treat my teenaged brother when he comes to stay with me in the city-hes from a small town). I dont give him a curfew but 1) he has to just give me a ring around midnight to say all is cool and let me know whats up 2) he takes a cab home...no exceptions. I pay for it (if I were in a rural area or had a car I would pick him up myself, at four in the morning even) My main concerns are drinking and driving on prom night, not just whose driving the car your child is in but who is driving the other cars on the road around parties.
FYI-I never went to a highschool party where there was no booze. They didnt exist when I was in highschool. It didnt mean it was crazy and out of hand, but there was always booze, parents permitting or not.
However mamalisa, Ive read enough of your posts now to know youve got some pretty good, honest, open kiddos. I would give them the benifit of the doubt. I think your DD would call you if there was any trouble and if she didnt have a ride. I would make myself available to her to come pick her up if she needs a ride (as is ALWAYS my rule with any teenager; sibling, neighbourhood kid or otherwise- 2 in the morning I dont care, just be safe)
I'd let her stay out later than usual, and let her know you trust her and you hope she wont betray it.
Just my thoughts.

[MamaLisa1]

well, in a strange turn of events, DH decided it would be okay if she went to the party and stayed all night. He didn't want her to be excluded and look stupid, plus we are trying to give her a little bit of freedom and leeway. I let him take all the credit for the decision, so now he is a saint in her eyes! I feel fairly comfortable with it because a) the parents are non-drinkers and the house is a rancher, so they will be on the same floor with them all night. b) I trust that Alyssa will not do anything I WOULD have done. She is just not into any of that. I suspect she will eventually try some alcohol if it's presented to her, but she told me today that she has no interest in it because her friend tried beer once and said it was gross...plus, she thinks it smells nasty. If she WERE to drink something, I'd prefer her to be at someone's home vs. out somewhere. Her boyfriend is not into drinking. He thinks it's stupid and busts on anyone who does. c) as far as the sex factor goes, her boyfriend does not believe in premarital sex, and she swears they are not going to have sex. It's a bunch of nerdy band kids going to hang out and watch movies and eat crappy food. The girl she told me was the pot smoker, was a different girl...I got confused, so I feel better about that. There is one boy who is going who I know smokes pot...but the girl who is hosting the party, threatened bodily harm to him if he brought anything around. d) she is only 21 months younger than I was the first time I went away on my own for a whole week, and 18 mos younger than my best friend was when her parents rented her an apartment at the beach with a friend one summer and she got a job there. I think she needs to be given some privileges, so she can prove herself trustworthy for the future.
She does have conditions though. She is to call when the leave the place they are having dinner and are en route to the prom location, and she is to call again when they arrive at the girl's house, and then again in the morning unless he brings her home before 8am...then she can just come on home.
I'm a little nervous about it all...sort of like pushing the baby bird out of the nest in a sense, but I do trust her. She's a good kid, and a horrible liar!!!!
I'll have to post a picture of her in her gown tomorrow. Wish me luck on doing her hair.

[akilamonique]

First of all I want to say good luck and whatever your decision, i'm sure it will be the best one for your family.

Not being a mom of a teen(thank god i have years to go-and a boy). Maybe before you look at the individual situation, take a look at your daughter's maturity level, and how she has dealt with tough "friend" situations in the past. If she is trustworthy, then give the allnighter a try. Let her know that if ANYTHING happens that makes her uncomfortable, scared, if any drugs, alcohol occurs tell her she can call and you will come get her with no yelling or punishment since she did the right thing my calling for adult help.

I don't know Mom, good luck, you will handle it appropriately.

[MujerMamaMismo]

Can you give her some cab money? Regardless of a curfew (or not) I think a means of getting home in a hurry is imperative.

[MamaLisa1]

Prom's over, and it went well!
We are not in an area where taking a cab would be feasible (very rural, and would cost probably $50-60 or more from where she was), but she knows she can always call us to come get her, no matter where she is!!!

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by double feature

Wow, well I guess I'm no help in this situation. After-prom is a big deal here, possibly bigger than the prom dance itself. When my daughter went to her prom two years ago, a huge group of kids had rented a bunch of cabins about an hour north of where prom was being held, everyone spent the night. Obviously no parental supervision. My daughter was back home early afternoon the next day. Personally, I just wouldn't give her a curfew. Prom is such a huge occurrence, implementing some sort of curfew seems kind of overprotective. If you are genuinely concerned, I would talk to the parents of the girl hosting the party though.

Yeah, around here the teenagers go down the shore overnight after prom. I'd let my kids go and have fun.

I think curfews are weird anyway -- I never had one, I just had to tell my mom when I expected to be home and call if I was running late.

[AllisonR]

I have a 21 yo DSS. He has been living with us since 18. There are two rules. 1. he has to call by 5pm and let us know if he will be eating dinner with us, or not. That is just curtious, so I can cook the right amount of food. If he will not be home at all (working, out with friends...) he has to just call and let us know sometime before 10-11ish. This is also curtesy. so we know he is OK and don't worry.

Short response: I personally have no problems with a 16 year old and no curfew, if he/she has had the room and respect to mature, including with alcohol and sex. If he/she has had very limited access to either, then perhaps a curfew is wise.

Long response: I am not worried about sex and drinking with DSS, and was not when he was younger. Frankly, the sex thing is covered because we have young kids and he directly sees the responsibility of them, he is free to have a partner, there is not a huge sex hangup here as in the USA for guys or girls, sex education starts young, he has access to any birth control and the knowledgte thereof, there is 0% stigma of unwed mothers, and the teen pregnancy rate is extremely low anyway because of all of the above. Drinking is not an issue as he has been a very responsible drinker since before 18. European is different than USA. It's not expected that you drink NOTHING until you suddenly turn 18 or 21 and then suddenly you can drink whatever, because a govt says it is legal. It is a more gradual, slow process, and I personally think a more mature way of dealing with alcohol. But that is a different post.

However, I also bring this up because I was raised in the USA and went to my prom. ANd yes, it is a huge deal, you want to be cool, you remember it the rest of your life. And yes, drinking and sex were a part of it, with a kind, dear boyfriend. And even in the USA, I don't see why drinking and sex have to be so terrible and guilt ladden. Provide young people with responsible access to alcohol, at your dinner table for example, before they are with 20 other people all getting pissed. And make the drinking and driving penalties so harsh that it is actually cool to NEVER drink and drive if you get p*ssed; you take a bus or cab or call a parent and that is cool with your friends. Give kids with boyfriends/girlfriends access to good sex education from a young age and free access to birth control, instead of making them feel guilty and having to sneak, hide and lie to be intimate with their lover.