undoing bad things I've taught my kid

[sandy from Toronto]

I have a 3 and a half year old son. I can now see that I have introduced some crappy lifestyle habits to him. Things got a little sloppy when my husband and I split up. He is now used to watching a movie every night. He's also pretty used to eating dinner in front of the TV. In the area of picking my battles, I gave in too much on too many things when I didn't feel like had much emotional energy left.
I'm on better ground personally now and I'm not sure how to change things for the better for my son. Do I simply put him on a cold turkey diet of no or limited TV and movies? Do I adopt a zero tolerance approach to eating at the table only? Or should I shift slowly somehow?
I feel like such a jerk of a mom. I really want good habits for my son since I didn't get the best from my mother and feel like I had to make up in the area of life skills alot in my adult life as a result.
Any feedback is very welcome! Thanks mamas.

[Embee]

You are not a jerk. You are a mom and one who has had a full plate. I know in rough times, I tend to slide and you know what, so do most of us. What you taught him is that in tough times, sometimes we slide but it doesn't mean that we have to make it a way of life especially when we are feeling better and stronger now.

I would not go cold-turkey. You're not happy with yourself and sometimes a complete turn-around is what adults think they can do to "spark" themselves out of a bad habit but usually this kind of thing backfires. You set up such high expecations that when they don't come to pass, it's much easier to get tired and give up and go back to the old way.

My best advice is nurture your attachment with your DS. Allow him to want to be guided by the changes in you and your lifestyle. Give him a reason to want to eat dinner with you rather than making him. Most 3 year olds I know would LOVE to be with Mom any chance they get and I imagine your DS is no different. But the very act of cold-turkey and laying down the law as it were, may put him out of touch with how he'd really feel given the opportunity to join you (i.e., when someone feels pushed, it's human nature to react and push back rather than act according to ones inner feelings). Also, given that you've allowed this to go on, a cold-turkey approach will feel confusing to him and cause frustration and anger.

I would approach it incrementally and positively. Before the TV is turned on tomorrow night, invite him into the kitchen to talk while you cook... ask him about his day, about his favorite part of the day. Invite him to help in the prep. Suggest you do something fun and different for dinner tonight like "a picnic on the living room floor" and have him help you even pack a basket to make it more "realistic!"

The next night, see if he didn't have so much fun HE doesn't want to do it again. We used to eat at my DS's little kid table once a week (whenever we ordered pizza for some reason) and he loved that. In the summer, we packed a cold dinner and drove to the park and played and ate together.

Create an atmosphere that he wants to be a part of. Nurture the relationship rather than worry about the behaviors. If you're doing the former, the latter will take care of itself. And when one night comes along and your tired and worn out and you happen to turn on the TV, make it a "dinner in front of the TV night." No harm in letting your guard down once and awhile and this can be great fun too... just not something you'd do EVERY night. But if you go cold turkey with it, you'll have a harder time explaining why it's ok now and not then. Sometimes it's nice when DS wants to watch a program at dinner. Sometime *I* need a break.

Just my .02 for what it's worth. Again, you are a caring and loving mama. That much is clear. We can all do well to give ourselves a hard time once and awhile, because it helps us to see our real parenting goals and move toward them BUT, don't beat yourself up too much because it takes energy away from what you can really do about it, how you can change things for the better. And you will!

Hang in there, mama! It sounds like you've been through a lot. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself.

The best,
Em

[Embee]

Oh, I wanted to mention to that habits can change and he is so young that this likely won't be too big of an issue. He will likely pick up on the fact that YOU have changed and follow right along so no worries. Truly.

Place the emphasis on positive change and focus little on the old habits... allow time and your positive energy to slowly (or quickly, you never know!) turn things around.

Rather than seeing this as having to undo bad habits, looks at it as an opportunity for reconnecting with your DS in a new and special way.

When we shut down in other areas of our life during a crisis, it's for a good reason. It's natural. We simply have to gather and save energy for the crisis at hand. It's a good lesson to show your DS as well that while this lasts the duration of the crisis, once we're feeling well and the crisis has passed or we've adapted to the change of life, we can pick back up and live the whole of life again.


Em

[Aubergine68]

I loved reading your post, Embee -- thanks for the wisdom.

I don't think I have too much to add ...

We've been tv-free during the week for a few months now after backsliding last fall, due to stuff. We like our family movie night on the weekend still.

We gave up computer games for Lent, too, which ends on the weekend. I'm trying to make outside time in the evening a priority, to keep my 4 yr old distracted from his old games. Now that the habit is broken, I want it to STAY broken! And maybe this is the year ds learns to ride a bike as a bonus.

[want2bmoms]

"He is now used to watching a movie every night."
Books are a great replacement for movies. Maybe the TV can be "broken" for a little while. Also, if, as I suspect, you mean he is used to going to bed with a movie every night, instead you can choose to tell him there's going to be no tv, instead you will tell him a magical story tonight... then make one up, or memorize a favorite of yours that he doesn't know (I have "love you forever" "and how does a dinosaur say goodnight?" memorized - they are MY personal favorite of the favorites!)

The technique:
When it's bed time, follow your usual routine, BUT when you put him in bed DON'T turn on the TV, instead, tell him you want to tell him a story, kneal beside his bed (don't climb in unless you intend to stay there - if he's not used to you being there, he'll wake up when you move because there is no tv white noise, then you have to start over again.) Tell him to close his eyes so he can see the pictures to your story in his head. As you begin your story, rub (or pat) his back slowly and lightly, now very quietly, begin your story (which you have memorized well enough to fake - or you are making up on the spot). Continue to rub his back until he is asleep. If you finish the stroy before he is out, softly sing songs to him or start another story (this is where you will find the value of making things up-your story can go as LOooooooooonnnnnngggg as you need, or as short)
If he really needs the white noise, turn on a fan, or you can turn the radio quietly to a static channel.

"He's also pretty used to eating dinner in front of the TV."
Eat dinner with him, at the table. In fact, ALL meals should be eaten at the table:. When eating at the table, your family is more likely to chew thoroghly, be mindful of what and how much they are eating, take smaller bites, and talk (these are the things my counselors have told me over and over again to help with my eating dilemas - they help curb overeating and aid in digestion). If you have a sitter, explain to them that all meals must be eaten at the table with the child. Also, if he's used to eating on TV trays, put them in storage, the garage, the attic, whatever. If they aren't THERE, he can't use them! Just keep it's positive "Let's eat TOGETHER!!!!!"

"In the area of picking my battles, I gave in too much on too many things when I didn't feel like had much emotional energy left."
This is SMART mama, you should always pick your battles. And the ones you are ready to deal with are smart ones to choose - Eating together builds communication, healthy habits, and protects your carpet/furniture.
Sleeping without a TV actually helps children (and adults) rest better, the changes in light and sounds disrupts your active sleep cycle preventing you from getting the best nights sleep. I don't remember what studies, however I've experienced it in my life but... studies were done and it was discovered that sleeping with the TV or even radio on impacts the REM part of sleep, the change in lights/sounds pulls you OUT of REM sleep which is the restful dreaming part of sleep, without waking you up all the way. The result is not feeling - of being - rested despite "sleeping" through the night. On the other hand, a constant "white noise" may help drown out the other noises which could have the "TV" effect on your rest. So sleeping without TV will help your LO (and you) get a good night's rest!

[sandy from Toronto]

Embee,
I want to thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my thread. Your messages brought tears to my eyes. Your supportive words are deeply appreciated as well as your practical suggestions. Thanks for being such a caring person and understanding the challenges of mothering so well.

I also want to thank the others that replied, too. Very good ideas and thoughtful words of support. I think I can make these positive changes and I'll let you know how it goes!

[OakBerry]

Originally Posted by Embee

When we shut down in other areas of our life during a crisis, it's for a good reason. It's natural. We simply have to gather and save energy for the crisis at hand. It's a good lesson to show your DS as well that while this lasts the duration of the crisis, once we're feeling well and the crisis has passed or we've adapted to the change of life, we can pick back up and live the whole of life again.


Em

This is so true!
I went through chemo last year and didn't have as much help as I should have. Lots of days ds sat in front of the tv for hours and ate chicken nuggets every night. I was cranky and emotionally unavailable.
I had so much guilt about it.
It's been a year and I feel like it's behind us now. He is still pretty addicted to the tv but I am still working on that!

[VikingKvinna]

Wow, you got some great suggestions and support, and I don't have too much to add -- in fact, I'm going to implement some of these suggestions myself!

But I would also consider talking honestly to your DS and telling him, "Look, I don't want to do X anymore (eating while we watch TV, for example) because I would rather spend the time with you, talking." You don't have to go into detail about why you got into that habit, or how you're gonna get out of it, but you could ask for suggestions: "What would be fun? What would you rather do than watch a movie while we eat?" etc. emphasize that this is not a punishment, that you're not doing it to be mean, but b/c you want to have fun with him.

You might also want to start including him in the cooking/prep. A 3.5 y.o. is certainly old enough to chop fruit (w/a butter knife) for salad, put toppings on pizza, help mix up cornbread or meatloaf or meatballs or a casserole, put sauce on pasta, etc. (Or make cookies or cake for dessert!) Or if he helped you plan and shop for the meal... I think getting him involved in the whole thing would be good for both of you -- some bonding time, and it might make him feel less like you were lowering the boom about the rules, kwim? And it's always a good thing to get kids invested in their own nutrition/food habits, too.

HTH! Good luck to you!

[want2bmoms]

Originally Posted by VikingKvinna

You might also want to start including him in the cooking/prep. A 3.5 y.o. is certainly old enough to chop fruit (w/a butter knife) for salad, put toppings on pizza, help mix up cornbread or meatloaf or meatballs or a casserole, put sauce on pasta, etc. (Or make cookies or cake for dessert!) Or if he helped you plan and shop for the meal... I think getting him involved in the whole thing would be good for both of you -- some bonding time, and it might make him feel less like you were lowering the boom about the rules, kwim? And it's always a good thing to get kids invested in their own nutrition/food habits, too.

HTH! Good luck to you!

that:

[jadekat]

I don't have any advice because I'm also trying to break some bad habits. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[thixle]

wow. Thank you all for some advice I need!
(off to clean the kitchen table, it's been months since we ate in there I can't believe we've been eating in front of the tv that long!)

[Linda on the move]

We've moved a lot for my DH's job and when my girls were little, EVERY time we moved things seemed to fall apart a bit. Too much TV, to much fast food, too little patience, you know the drill.

It took a little bit of an adjustment to get things back to parenting the way I really wanted to, but my kids always rebounded just fine. I don't think it matters if you go cold turkey or gradually -- just do which ever seems easier to you. The important thing is to start moving in the right direction. If you are going the right direction, you will eventually end up where you want to go.

It doesn't have to be a big deal. If it just the two of you eating dinner together and you don't have much to talk about, read him a book while he eats. I did this for one of my DDs when she was little because she was so active she had trouble sitting still long enough to get full, so I read her a picture book while she ate and it just worked better.

Then, after dinner, say something like, "Tonight I thought it would be really fun if we did puzzles together!" Another great acitivty is making playdough. My kids LOVED to make playdough at that age and then they stayed busy for a long, long time. If you have something fun planned to do, it will be easier for him.

Putting music on in the background can really help with reduced TV watching.

Also, if you have a library near you it can really help with this process. It's something free to do one night a week, a new stash of books makes it more fun to read, they have CDs and books on tape, and checking out "just one" DVD is fun while limiting the total TV time for the week.

Good luck! Inspite of occassional bouts of too much TV, my DDs have great imaginations, love to read, and are generally super little people. So let go of the guilt and just move forward!

[jadekat]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

We've moved a lot for my DH's job and when my girls were little, EVERY time we moved things seemed to fall apart a bit. Too much TV, to much fast food, too little patience, you know the drill.

That is exactly how we were up until a few months ago!

[Embee]

You are most welcome, Sandy.

I would love to hear how things are going...

The best to you,
Em