Did I handle this ok?

[Karamom]

There is a large speaker over at my parents house that my dad insists that ds not touch. I have tried to block it somehow or move it but it is just too big and cannot be done so I need to just keep ds away from it.

Tonight when we were over there visiting he touched the speaker and my mom grabbed him and sat him down in a nearby chair and said in a stern voice: "You may not touch the speaker. You need to sit here a minute because you touched it." She then held him there for maybe 15 seconds. When I saw this I was taken aback and not sure what to do so I said nothing. When he got off the chair he laughed and went straight back to touch the speaker. This time I grabbed him and said "no touch" playfully and then started tickling him. Then I sat in front of the speaker and every time he came near it I grabbed him and started tickling.

My mom said that he is learning that it's fun to touch something he is suppose to stay away from. I told her that at his age he has no impulse control and we cannot expect him to stay away from it. She then said that she understands I may have read that but she has seen many kids his age not touch when they are told.

So do you wise GD mommas think the grab and tickle approach was ok or am I really teaching him its fun to disobey? Should I be more stern when saying no? Thank you in advance. Oh, and ds is 16 months.

[alegna]

I think you did okay in the situation.

I would have given your mom a stern talking to though

It is NOT okay to discipline someone else's' child.

-Angela

[dflanag2]

I think this is fine. My DD is 18 months and we play this game all the time. I just make it clear that it is not okay, "No, no, don't touch!" while tickling and make it my responsibility to supervise closely. I also try to say what behavior I WANT her to do, which in our case is usually 'feet on the floor.'

They get tired of the game after so many repetitions. You may have to play it every time you visit. Eventually your DS will just look at or point at the speaker to get your reaction of tickling, then you can redirect to appropriate stuff to play with.

HTH-
-dflanag2

[Ironica]

Your mom may have seen kids your DS's age who were too scared to disobey their parents, sure. She may or may not even object to the methods used to cause that level of "obedience." Since you're here, I'm guessing you would. :-/

The only way a child your son's age is going to "learn" not to touch the speaker is for it to simply be impossible. The tickling is fine if it's something you're willing to do... but what's really the necessary component is the sitting in front of the speaker and making it physically impossible for him to touch it. We said "hands off" for this, since the whole concept of negation doesn't work very well in the highly visual mind of toddlers, and "no touch" sounds the same as "touch" to them.

The other way to handle it is to say "I'm sorry, we're going to have to wait until DS is older and developmentally able to meet the expectations of this environment before we can come over again. You're welcome to visit our house!"

[nd_deadhead]

Your parents have very unrealistic expectations for your baby. If they are unwilling to change their expectations, they must either be willing to guard the speaker at all times, or accept that you cannot go to their house until their grandson is able to understand and follow their rules.

[Hesperia]

I'd say we use gentle touches when touching xyz, and then take his hand and help him touch gently. Then find something more fun....

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think as long as you are moving to intercept him BEFORE he starts to touch the speaker its a great strategy. If you are playing with him afterwards, then you probably are reinforcing him to go for the speakers.

As for your mother, yes, she's right -- there are plenty of children who have been scared into not touching things. But at what cost? Since you are the parent, you have chosen a different way because the costs of that sort of obedience is not something you chose to pay. "Please respect my parenting."

[Karamom]

Thank you all for your responses. I was pretty upset at my mom and second guessing myself but I feel much better after reading your responses. I know I'm doing the right thing but I still find it so hard to go against what my parents say. I still want them to feel proud of me (raised in a very authoritative household, can you tell?) Anyways its so nice to have the reinforcement from you guys because I really do want to raise victor kindly. :

[becoming]

I also think you did fine.

Maybe next time you could tell your mom that those other toddlers who don't touch things are probably afraid of their parents, and you'd rather your son not be afraid of you, thankyouverymuch.

[Peppermint Leaf]

When our DS started being mobile we bought a packaged of really bright post it notes and taught him that we he saw them he wasn't to touch that item. Now we rarely needed them in our home because it was child proof ... but I did put one on the stove and a couple of other items... and we made it game that he could go around and touch everything with the exception of the ones marked with the bright pink paper.

I packed them around with me for when I was visiting family and friends... it actually worked really well for us.

Hope this helps

[Karamom]

Originally Posted by Decluttering Nut

When our DS started being mobile we bought a packaged of really bright post it notes and taught him that we he saw them he wasn't to touch that item. Now we rarely needed them in our home because it was child proof ... but I did put one on the stove and a couple of other items... and we made it game that he could go around and touch everything with the exception of the ones marked with the bright pink paper.

I packed them around with me for when I was visiting family and friends... it actually worked really well for us.

Hope this helps

Wow, thats a really neat idea. I think I'll give that a try. Thanks!

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by Karamom

Thank you all for your responses. I was pretty upset at my mom and second guessing myself but I feel much better after reading your responses. I know I'm doing the right thing but I still find it so hard to go against what my parents say. I still want them to feel proud of me (raised in a very authoritative household, can you tell?) Anyways its so nice to have the reinforcement from you guys because I really do want to raise victor kindly. :

You did fine. And some toddlers are scared but if you tell someone that often they will say "and so they should be": and think scaring a child into obedience is a good thing.

In your situation it might be worthwhile to point out that her method did not keep him from the speaker and yours did. Yeah your way was a lot more effort and a lot more fun but the result was he didn't touch the speaker.

Also kids have different amounts of impulse control. I have 4. #1 and #3 would look at me before touching anything. I didn't teach them to be that way, they just came with a certain caution when it came to new things.

#2 and #4 were less cautious and more likely to do the "laugh and do it again" thing. They just had less impulse control and less caution.

So your mom is referring to different types of children, not different types of parenting

Here is what I say a lot to parents I talk to about toddlers.

You can spend the first 3-5 years of their life punishing/time-outing, yelling screaming/spanking your child to try to train them what not to do and at around 5 they will have developed some impulse control.

And they will be resentful, scared/mad at you.

Or you can spend the first 3-5 years of their life redirecting/childproofing/playing games/interferring in a fun way/putting things up high or avoiding non-child friendly environments until at around 5 they will have developed some impulse control.

And they will likely be respectful, attached and connected to you.

[LynnS6]

I love allgirls post!

Possible things to say to your mom:
"I was teaching him that it was more fun to play with mom than touch the speaker. I want to teach him what is appropriate to do. Just saying 'no' doesn't teach him that."

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

"If he's still touching the speaker when he's 5, then we can talk again."

[sdm1024]

Or you can spend the first 3-5 years of their life redirecting/childproofing/playing games/interferring in a fun way/putting things up high or avoiding non-child friendly environments until at around 5 they will have developed some impulse control.

What she said

There are just some things that aren't worth it.