I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lie

[Teenytoona]

Back to work that is. As a matter of fact, I'm ending my maternity leave a month early. I just cannot do this stay at home thing. I thought I'd be at least a little better at it, but I just feel so flustered with trying to take care of her, and then before I know it another day is gone and I haven't really done anything for her.

Maybe I shouldn't say it, but I prefer pumping over nursing. At least the pump doesn't scream at me because I take too long fumbling with my overly sized breasts and then get so worked up to not be able to latch on, and I don't have to worry about jabbiing the pump in the eye when my hands slip off, I don't have to wrestle to get into a comfortable position... I don't know. I don't think I'm as cut out for this as I wanted to be? Or maybe I'm just really crap with newborn care. That could be it.

I mean, financially it will be better for us anyways for me to go back, but really, I want to feel sort of (please don't get angry at me for saying this) back to normal again. I know it's all different now, but I feel there's a big possibility for me to sink into PPD if I stayed home the extra month. And I think I'd really be a mess if I were a SAHM. Thank Goddess Mr Toona's a W/SAHD and he's so damned good at it. Since I've decided to end my leave early, I feel myself lifting out of a depression. Hey 2 straight days with no endless crying by the momma, I'd say that's pretty darned good.

So does that mean I'm going to be really ruining this baby? I feel badly that I won't be there for her all day, but I also feel like I can''t be doing her much good being around all day in the form of a crying blubbering mess who can barely nurse her little girl without giving her a minor facial injury. I do plan to nurse her when I'm not at work, but I think it will be really nice to not have to nurse her all day long.

Sorry to take up more space whining about my life. I can't seem to get it together lately...

[jaxinsmom]

you are doing what you need to, and it sounds like the right decision for your family.
~short story~ When my brother and I were little (1 &2) my mom stayed home with us b/c she had left my dad, was on her own and didn't know what else to do. After a few months she realized she needed to go back to work. She said she needed the break and that it made her a better mother at the end of the day.
Staying at home with babies/kids is the hardest thing I have ever done. Truth be told, my ds (3) goes to preschool all day so I can devote my time to dd. That's not something I talk about a lot here b/c I know that many of the moms like to have all their kids at home. However, it would drive me nuts if I had ds home all day with dd
Like I said, you're doing what you need to do! No need to explain yourself

[BabyBump]

I second that. Do what you need to do. Not everyone is stay at home mom material. Doesn't make us less of a mother or mean we love our kids any less than those who do stay at home. If you are happier you will be a better mom in the end. Kudos for pumping! I think what matters more is that you are getting your milk to your baby, regardless of the method. Once I go back to work in a month I'll be a pumping queen too.

I went back to work after two months with my daughter because I had no choice. She went to a loving home daycare and was well taken care of. You won't be ruining this baby because you are going back to work. Sounds like she will be loved on while you are away.

Please don't feel bad about your choices-they are your choices not anyone else's! It would be unfair for anyone to judge you for doing what is best for you and your family!

Lots of hugs and best wishes!!!

[applecore]

I'm sorry to hear it's been so rough for you. You know, working and pumping is hard, and time consuming, and I give anyone who is doing it tons of credit! You're doing what you need to do, and choosing to keep giving breastmilk even though it might not be the easiest thing when going back to work. Wishing you all the best, and hoping you get back to feeling happy.

[LawrenceDoula]

How blessed you are to have a husband who is happy to stay at home!

All any of us can do is make the best decisions for ourselves and our children. It sounds like things are well taken care of and your baby is getting fed and loved. I'm sure you'll feel much better when things get back to normal. As least as much as they can with a new baby!

[nolonger]

:

Do what you need to do. It sounds like the only problem you have is the guilt.

I agree that staying home with kids is very difficult. I was at home with my older two, as a single mama from Chirs' second birthday, from Jeanita's birth until shortly before he ran away from home on Christmas day of 2006. Part of me would love to do it again with Terran (and maybe that's why my body is rebelling by not responding to the pump at all) but I really don't think I'm strong enough.

It's not so much the exhausting backbreaking labour of childcare and the thousand things we DIY to make the money stretch to cover all the bills as it is the complete and total lack of respect from anybody and everybody, especially the 16 year old. The 19 year old has come to appreciate what I've done with my life, but she seems kind of stunned by it, the way you might if your mother had rescued you from a burning building and you had to look at her horribly scarred and disfigured face for the rest of your life.

Terran woke up screaming with colic again this morning until he recognized the familiar routines of getting dressed and ready to go to our caregiver job, Now he's snuggled down in the sling blissfully unaware that "foster gramma" just called to let us know she won't be needing us until later on today.

I can't say I really blame my babe for being relieved that our "weekend" is over; he is positively adored at both of my workplaces and ds1 has...um...not been trying to win any awards for being "Big Brother of the Year" lately, iykwim.

[Writerbird]

I wish I worked in an office instead of at home. I love my son, but babies in general have always annoyed me, and despite a lot of cheerleading from some quarters, it is NOT "different with my own." I am really, really good at my paying job, and 90% of infant care is just menial... and furthermore, I suck at it.

Also, I don't like breastfeeding. I don't get that "rush" of hormones, and I'm not filled with some kind of glow. I'm glad to give him the best possible, and it doesn't hurt at all except for the latch on, but I feel like a cow and I hate just sitting there like a lump for forty plus minutes every two or three hours. (He likes both sides and I let him detach on his own.) I'd rather pump, but I only get 2 oz a side that way, and at the rate my little piglet is gaining, I know he's getting a lot more than that!

Anyway, I meant to just say "you go, Teeny."

[nolonger]

Originally Posted by Writerbird

Anyway, I meant to just say "you go, Teeny."

:

[Juise]

:

[operamommy]

You know yourself better than anyone else does. If going back to work is what you need to stay healthy and happy, then don't give it a second thought. Your babe deserves a happy and healthy mama.

And let me just say...I'm outstandingly proud of you for continuing to pump to provide your dd with breastmilk.

[Teenytoona]

Thank you. This was one of those close your eyes and look away while you hit submit posts, and then later wonder if you shouldn't delete it... But thank you all for seeing where I'm coming from. I know that there are alot of folks here who are very child led and I find that wonderful and admirable. I see what these moms go through and am amazed that they do it day in day out and with a smile usually. I hate to say that I"m not exactly one, but I'm not exactly. At least I can take a lesson from the folks here and make use of it in the time I spend with my little Peachy Peach girl.

Jaxinsmom, it is one of the hardest things to do! For some reason I thought it would be easier to be at home with this baby since it, well came out of my own body, heh... I've never been a FT SAHM but there have been days when it was just the stepkids and I bc Mr Toona was working and I know I have limits, very real limits. I guess I just thought it would be different. Everyone tells me it's "different with your own kids." But the DSC are my own kids and it's not exactl different, not in our fam anyways.

Thanks Babybump, In my mind I know that it's better for everyone for me to go to work. I know it's better that my little girl not see a frantic freakoutish momma all the time and spend most of the day with her very mild mannered (put Clark Kent to shame) poppa. But I still feel like everything I read suggests I should never want to leave her side. I mean I don't in one sense of the word, but I do in another...

Thanks applecore. I'm blessed also with a job that's not extremely demanding. I suppose I can advance myself and make it more demanding, but really, most days at work are lax and only rarely is it really demanding and crunch time, so I think I will manage ok. Thankfully!


LawrenceDoula, I must admit I am very blessed with the DH of mine, really. He's one of those men that "they" say (you know, magazines, movies, etc) don't exist. And I wouldn't really be able to make it without him.

NOS, you're right about the guilt... I'd say it's mainly due to my upbringing - most of my family is plagued with one version of guilt or another. Here's mine. I am always so amazed at the amount of energy you give to your children. I hope that even tho I'm away working FT I can give at least the quality of effort you give. Then I know I'd be doing ok.

Writerbird, I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't LOVE breastfeeding. We have some moments, but no, I don't look forward to it with a warm glow. Many times I dread it, because I feel like I'm just going to do something stupid to her, or not be able to position things right. Thanks for understanding. Sometimes it's nice to have someone around who does!

Thanks Juise...

[flapjack]

Sorry, I spent so long typing a response that we ended up crossposting. Basically, your dd is going to be fine whatever you do- she still has two parents who love her and a primary caregiver who is emotionally invested in her (cf Bowlby).
I am worried about you, because from what you're typing I think you may have PPD now, and I'm worried that the pressure of being a working mom will push you too far, too fast.

[guestmama9972]

I agree that being a SAHM is the hardest job on the planet. I worked when my older two were babies because I had to, and even though my heart ached from the separation, work provided stimulation that I could not otherwise get. I am choosing to be a SAHM right now and I have to admit that I find it mind-numbing and boring sometimes.

I know that working and pumping is hard because I did it, but if you are determined and intentional you will be successful! You can do it, Teeny!

It is normal to have conflicting emotions about going back to work after you have a baby. Some women love to stay home and some don't. You need to do what works.

[sarahn4639]

also a little worried about you teeny........

i also wanted to say that i didn't like breastfeeding until dd was a couple months old. its hard for a lot of us and its a lot of work in the beginning. but i DID really enjoy it after that. there is a light at the end of this tunnel, it's just kind of long sometimes. also, it may end up being a great way for you and dd to reconnect when you come home in the evening. i hope you are feeling better soon.

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by Writerbird

but I feel like a cow and I hate just sitting there like a lump for forty plus minutes every two or three hours.



Anyway, I meant to just say "you go, Teeny."

if i couldn't knit or read while i nurse i would go crazy!

and ya know, i stated at home with my ds and i was nuts by the end of the day no matter what i did. i took to going on really LONG walks just to get out of the house. now i have to go back to work in three weeks and really i'm kinda looking forward to it. except for the fact that my dh is NOT good with the patience thing and his best solution is to turn on the tv while he works at home.

but really, i think newborn care does suck and it is hard and it is so much easier to come back to it when you get a break. i don't think going back to work is a bad thing at all.

ditto on the "you go, teeny!"

[perditafoster]

Look at it this way...do for your dd what you want her to do for your grandchildren. Would you want your dd to stay home with your grandchild because you did? Or because society thought she should? Or because she felt guilty? No. You would want her to stay home because she felt called to do so and had a genuine desire to. You would feel terrible if your daughter stayed home with your grandchild and was miserable...you would want her to work and feel the freedom to be a working mom and a wonderful mom when she was home, rather than a terrible mom all the time. (I know I would.)

So cut yourself a huge amount of slack, take a deep breath, and look ahead to all the wonderful years you have to raise your daughter to be the kind of mom that you are: kindhearted, considerate, and willing to make the sometimes tough choices that are really the best choices for your family. And if all that teaching takes place in the mornings before work, in the evenings after work, and on the weekends, so be it. It's still teaching, just at different times.