Your Best Tips

[Julie Marie]

My dd is is gonna be 3 in may. We started using time-out when she was close to 2 and ditched it a few months later in favor of gently guiding discipline. But she won't listen to anything I say and she's constantly "sassing" and telling me I'm mean and all that jazz. My mother was a spanker but she has supported us not wanting to spank but since we ditched the time-out chair she has let me know in no uncertain terms that she thinks Kaiya is a brat. Not that I can disagree but I do point out that she is 2 and I'm really hoping this will pass. I've read Peggy's book 'Natural Family Living' and while there are some great tips in there, I don't know, maybe I just don't know how to really impliment them.
So what is your #1 tip, how do you get your kids to listen even though, as my mom so graciously points out, they have no "incentive" for wanting to listen.Tell me this does work!

[One_Girl]

I reinforce what I am asking dd to do by helping her do it. Along with that though I try to be realistic about what I am asking her to do or not do and the importance of the request. If you are repeating requests over and over but not acting that can teach a child not to listen to your requests. Limiting your requests to times when you can follow through the first or second time may help your daughter to start listening the first or second time because she knows you will follow through and kids tend to want to do things themselves even at this age.

[Aubergine68]

I'm not sure I like the military emphasis as a metaphor for parent-child relationships...but...pick your battles. Don't try to solve every issue all at once. List the issues you want to work on and pick the most important one or two first.

Make sure there are happy times together, areas of your lives that are not about discontent with each other's behavior.

Two-year-olds tend to be uncivilized at best. I have found my younger children easier to parent simply because they were not the first and only, used to having things their own way.

If you could get her involved in a parented activity with you, a low-pressure situation, but where she could start to learn more about appropriate behavior with others. Maybe a playgroup? Toddler swim class?

I totally agree that you should not ask your toddler to do anything directly, unless you are going to follow through with her to be sure it gets done. If it is optional, maybe give a choice instead.

[babsbob]

My DD will be 3 next week. This is what I do:
I treat her with respect.
I speak to her respectfully.
I lead by example.
I understand when she is just acting her age.
If I really need her attention - I get down to her level and ask her to look at me before I speak.
I explain things so that she understands.
I repeat things as needed as if it's the first time I'm saying it.
The only time DD really gets in trouble is if she hurts her baby brother or throws things that could be dangerous. I don't do timeouts but she "loses her turn" with whatever she was playing with or took away from her brother. When she goes to hit or push her brother I ask her to "please control your hands" or "use gentle hands".
And we have lots of "love fests"!!!

I don't know what you mean by being a brat or sassing you exactly. If DD said something unkind to me I would probably just tell her that it hurts my feelings when she says that to me or tell her I don't like it when she says unkind words to me.

[ssh]

I don't know if using time outs for awhile made your DD's behavior worse. Maybe it's just the age and she's trying to assert herself more. Two you olds realize they are separate people and can make choices. This surge of independence is normal. People often think 2 and 3 year olds are brats because they have unrealistic expectations. They don't understand that a lot of developmentally normal behavior is annoying ( or maybe loud & messy).

As for how to get your two year old to 'listen' to you, and by 'listen' I think you mean do what you want her to do. Well you will probably have to wait till she develops some impulse control. I know my two year old DD doesn't have very much yet. Your DD probably hears most of what you say she just can't help herself when it comes to doing things. And your DD telling you that you are mean is just her way of trying to assert herself. As for an incentive,
people, children included, naturally want to please those they care about. As your DD develops more impulse control, she'll do what you ask her to do more often, especially if she understands why.

Depending on how angry or upset she is, I would do one of two things. If she's really upset or angry I would ignore the accusation and address the real issue. For example say 'I know you really want to xzy, I'm sorry your sad but we can't right now because qty'. The other option, if your DD isn't very upset or sad, is to make light of it. For example say ' Are you sure I'm mean today? ACK! I was really trying for scary (or weird)' Then pick her up, growl abit, play bear or dinosaur.

[LilyGrace]

I don't have a #1 tip. Different things work best at different times. I do have a list of things in my siggy that worked well when my kids were smaller, and the same ideas altered as they grow.

I think, if I had to say one thing, it would be define respectful boundaries and enforce them with actions, not just words. I'm not saying retaliate, but simply if I say it's time to put on the shoes, I'm going to pick up and offer the shoe, or put the child on my lap and put it on him/her, depending on the scenario.

[Fuamami]

With two and three year olds, here's my number one tip.

"Get Off Your Butt"

I learned it on here, and it's very helpful for helping kids "listen". If you tell your toddler you want them to do something, be 100% ready to be very present gently insisting that they follow your request. Here's an example:

1. Your dd climbs on your mom's coffee table with her shoes on. You say, in a bright cheery voice: "Kaiya, hop off the coffee table. We don't climb on Grandma's table."

2. Your dd "sasses" you, ignores you, whatever.

3. You immediately and calmly go to her, pick her up and set her down, maybe saying, "Here we go!" again, in a bright, upbeat, matter-of-fact tone.

4. You move on quickly to something else: "Kaiya, let's play with this dolly!"

I think that when people use T/O as a way to get their kids to comply, it's hard to change your habit from constantly threatening to simply expecting that your child will do what you want. But as long as your requests are reasonable, your dc is healthy, well-rested, and getting enough exercise, there's really no reason the above shouldn't work.