Where do you put your toddler for "time out?" - Page 3

[dillonandmarasmom]

I will quote form my favorite parenting book: Time-Out For Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting, by Cheri Huber and Melinda Guyol.

"When a parent sends a child to TIME_OUT, often it is because the parent feels stretched to the limit by the child's behavior, feels in fact as though she or he is about to "lose it," because it seems the child is "out of control."

....The parent feels out of control, needs a break, and sends the child away. When the child is gone, the adult feels more in control. It SEEMS to be working."

Basically, your DC is acting in a very age-appropriate way to the new situation of having a younger sibling, in effect--in DC's eyes--take his place. At two, lashing out physically is a very effective way to display his emotions. Why squelch that by making him sit and ignore his feelings??

It is soooo hard to see our children feeling so strongly. But, in the long run, allowing them to have and experience their emotions now, in the safety of our presence, no matter how scary or out-of-control it may feel, is the best way to show them how accepting we are of their feelings.

Another great book I'd recommend to you is Raising Cane. It makes a wonderful case for allowing boys to develop their emotions in a healthy way.

Good luck. Introducing a new sibling to a toddler is very hard. I have btdt, and we both survived, emotional health in tact--no time outs.

I defintely agree with PP who suggested redirecting and using words such as, "gentle," and, "loving and careful touches," while demonstrating what these feel like on your ds.

[mamazee]

The problem with time outs for a two-year-old for normal two-year-old behavior is that you are punishing a toddler for being a toddler. What you described is normal toddler behavior - not something unusually bad. Is it fair to expect a toddler to not behave like a toddler? Toddlers grow out of that without punishment. Why punish when it doesn't change the outcome? My fear is that it would set the toddler up to be resentful of the new baby - mommy is making me sit here by myself, but meanwhile that baby is getting lots of love and affection.

Punishment, particularly at this age, seems to be more because the parent feels like he/she has to do SOMETHING than because of any expected impact on the child.

[mamatoni]

is this a time out?

When DS (2.5 yr) is having a hard time playing nicely with either us or DD (1 yr) and redirection isn't working, etc... we usually ask him if he needs to go take a "break". By this we mean go in his "room" (we live in a 20' by 24' cabin so his room is just a different part of the house, no doors) and be in his own space. I have found that he usually gets to this point when DD is in his space too much or he just needs to chill out a little bit.

It usually works for us, and I don't feel like we are using this as a "punishment" but I am curious how you more experienced w/ GD mama's would view this type of consequence.

thanks for any input.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by mamatoni

When DS (2.5 yr) is having a hard time playing nicely with either us or DD (1 yr) and redirection isn't working, etc... we usually ask him if he needs to go take a "break". By this we mean go in his "room" (we live in a 20' by 24' cabin so his room is just a different part of the house, no doors) and be in his own space. I have found that he usually gets to this point when DD is in his space too much or he just needs to chill out a little bit.

It usually works for us, and I don't feel like we are using this as a "punishment" but I am curious how you more experienced w/ GD mama's would view this type of consequence.

thanks for any input.

IMO, if you ask him, and he chooses to go if he wants to but you don't make him go, then that wouldn't be a punishment - it would be suggesting a possible solution for him. But, also IMO, if you ask him if he wants to go, but he doesn't have a choice, then I'd say it's a punishment and it also really isn't fair to ask if he can't say no.

[wonderwahine]

I make ds sit in his/our bedroom on the bed for his time out, he has toys, tv etc.

you can bet your butt I use time outs, not only do they give us both a chance to calm down, sometimes with ds's needs, he needs quiet alone time to regroup himself! yes... you read it right...... he NEEEEEEEEEDS them.

[Susan Kunkel]

What I do is more of a time in. I take the child with me for some time with mommy.Since you are having trouble with hitting your brother you need to stay with mommmy. We then made dinner togther. Brother joined and all was happy once more.
Susan

[mylittlefiredancer]

First off I want to offer you some hugs! The hitting/pushing/kicking stage is one we are very familiar with unfortunately. My daughter is 2 1/2 and went through a terrible time with this behavior. She was even hitting her little brother who is now 8 months old which was so incredibly heartbreaking for me. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You feel as though this stage will never end!! But it will I PROMISE!!! I also know that you feel like if you don't do a time out or something like that you are not doing much of anything to correct the behavior. I've learned that that is not the case.

When my daughter started hitting we started doing a "if you hit you will sit" rule. I got the idea from Dr. Sears' Discipline Book (I love his work by the way). What I learned was that by doing that I wasn't TEACHING her anything. And guess what else? By making her sit it actually made her MORE mad, MORE frustrated, and MORE aggressive. So one day I said that we will not do the "sitting" thing again. Instead I will TEACH her, TALK to her, and SHOW her that we do not hit. And guess what? It worked. Believe me it took a LOOOOOOOONG time and she still has her moments. But the thing is that now she understands WHY she shouldn't hit and can do other things to relieve her frustration like taking deep breaths, taking a break, getting a hug, using her words, yelling, or going off to play alone. She knows that in our house hurting in any way is NOT TOLERATED because it makes everyone really sad around her. But the best part is that she understands why.

Another thing that helped us were the children's books Hands Are Not For Hitting, Feet Are Not For Kicking, and Teeth Are Not For Biting. There's a whole series of these books from Free Spirit Publishing and they are AWESOME. You can read them over and over (and over and over and over in our case!) and then have wonderful discussions about them with your little ones!

Good luck!! This stage will pass I promise!

Nichole

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[nathansmum]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I agree with Angela. I think at 2, the parent should we working with the child to prevent the behaviour in the future, figure out what the problem is, how to solve it, etc.

I think if the 2 year old is hitting because the baby is in her way, help her thinks of strategies to cope with the situation.

I don't think time outs are abusive but they do not equip the child with the tools or strategies they need to navigate sticky situations.

I agree with this. I would look at the triggers for the behaviour rather than just trying to stop it.

A new sibling in the mix is pretty big. I loved Naomi Aldort's article and approach on helping kids deal with emotional upsets - it gets to the root of the problem.

[guestmama9944]

Originally Posted by wonderwahine

you can bet your butt I use time outs, not only do they give us both a chance to calm down, sometimes with ds's needs, he needs quiet alone time to regroup himself! yes... you read it right...... he NEEEEEEEEEDS them.

Certainly a child with sensory issues is going to need different things than a more run-of-the-mill toddler. What she's describing is very normal toddler behavior. I'm sure you can appreciate the difference between what she's describing and the difficulties you have with your particular ds.

[wonderwahine]

Originally Posted by wendyjoe

Certainly a child with sensory issues is going to need different things than a more run-of-the-mill toddler. What she's describing is very normal toddler behavior. I'm sure you can appreciate the difference between what she's describing and the difficulties you have with your particular ds.

no, because alot of the things my son does is age appropriate 2yr old behaviour as well, and he gets a time out.

[snitker79]

What's the best way to give yourself a "timeout" when things are getting too stressful, you are by yourself and you can't just lock yourself in a room with the child screaming on the other side?

I rarely have removed my almost 2yo dd from doing something and I have placed her in her crib for a few minutes while I regain my composure. At the point that I have to do that, that is the safest place for my child at that moment in time. I always get myself together and go in and snuggle, rock, nurse with her and explain what happened and that I was sorry for getting so upset. I find I "feel" this way easier when it's that time of the month. But I would love to find other ways to get myself under control and be able to have the right train of thought/patience to diffuse the situation before it gets to explosive.

[wonderwahine]

when I am by myself, i just put ds somewhere he cant get hurt, if its a crib or on my bed etc, and walk away to calm down

[madskye]

Originally Posted by snitker79

What's the best way to give yourself a "timeout" when things are getting too stressful, you are by yourself and you can't just lock yourself in a room with the child screaming on the other side?

I rarely have removed my almost 2yo dd from doing something and I have placed her in her crib for a few minutes while I regain my composure. At the point that I have to do that, that is the safest place for my child at that moment in time. I always get myself together and go in and snuggle, rock, nurse with her and explain what happened and that I was sorry for getting so upset. I find I "feel" this way easier when it's that time of the month. But I would love to find other ways to get myself under control and be able to have the right train of thought/patience to diffuse the situation before it gets to explosive.

I've walked away or put my DD in her crib for a few minutes when she was younger (now she's almost 3)--I think there's a difference between knowing when you/your child needs a minute to collect yourself and using punitive time out, where isolation is punishment. Also, where the time out becomes a threat whenever the child is out of step with the behavior the adult is seeking. Like many have posted--lots of behaviors are annoying but normal for two. I try to work with my child to explain and model how to act than train her with a negative consequence. Because with a two year old you will be constantly saying "Don't touch or you'll get a time out! Don't climb up there or you'll get a time out. Don't do this or time out..." it seems more like a set up for conflict than resolution when they are so young.

[veganf]

We use the kitchen stool, near the microwave so they can see the countdown timer.
Between all 3 kids we use a time out maybe once a week. Works very well for us.