i was so afraid to come here. i was so afraid to admit something was wrong.
ive gone through this with my first daughter. i had it so severe, i think they call it postpartum psychosis. i hate that word, it just makes me like like im psycotic.
im feeling depressed again. difference is, i felt depressed during my pregnancy with my first daughter, & right after i had her it hit me. lasted a while too, a few months i believe. & with this pregnancy, i didnt feel really depressed. i was stressed out though, & i was happy after i had her. its only hitting me couple days now. i guess its written all over my face bc my fiancee questioned me yesterday. he said one thing to me & i just started crying. i wouldnt look at him, i wouldnt answer him. he had to leave to do something & he kept calling me while he was out & i wouldnt answer his calls. id put them on ignore. he texted, i didnt answer. finally he got through to me & he told me he noticed it but didnt wanna tell me bc he thought id get mad. well i didnt get mad. infact, i felt a little relieved that he noticed it bc i didnt wanna tell him. but honestly he still doesnt know that i am bc when he asked i told him idk i dont think so, i think im just tired.
im up with amber all night long. its like she sleeps for only an hour & then shes up again & it doesnt make sense for me to try & sleep bc once i close my eyes shes up. we dont get to sleep til 8 in the morning & i only get 2 hours sleep at the most. then noella wakes up. james is already at work by this time so i dont even bother waking him up to help me bc i dont want him to run late to work or worse, miss a day. lord knows we cant afford that right now. i know not eating or sleeping right could cause depression especially after having a baby. my daughter is only a week old today. noella is 22 months old & taking care of her during the day is hard bc shes at that age where she doesnt care what you say, she just wont listen. yesterday i was losing my patience with her. i even ended up pushing her out of the way a few time & she would fall on her butt. i felt so bad but i wasnt realizing that i was doing it at the moment til after when i saw her on the floor. she wouldnt get hurt or anything but id find myself thinking about it later on & crying. im extremely close with noella, shes my first & i love her to death. i dont want her to feel neglected. i keep thinking thats how she feels (even though she doesnt seem it at all) & i start crying over that. i cry over every little thing. i just sit here & cry & cry. im happy about my kids. they were planned. yea im young. 22. i had my first when i was 20, got pregnant at 19, but im pretty mature for my age & i know what to do with kids. i just feel like im outside of my body. i never knew the meaning of that phrase til now. i finally feel it. when i walk i feel as if im walking sooo slow. i dont smile, nor do i laugh. normally im a big eater, always looking to eat, but im noticing im not eating like i used to. what the heck happened to me?? i was fine when i came home from the hospital. my biggest worry after having amber was hows noella gonna feel & noellas doing better than i am! shes happy she has a baby sister, she becomes all motherly. i know things are gonna change sooner or later once ambers a lil older & her sleeping/eating patterns change but i think i can handle that. i really do. but i cant handle this feeling any longer. idk if its postpartum, or what. ive always had bouts of depression throughout my life but nothing like this. see, as i said i was stressed during the pregnancy but not all the time. my fiancee & i would argue & have relationship problems but i dont think thats what caused this to happen. i really dunno what else to do. sometimes i feel like ima go back to the way i used to be *when i had postpartum with noella* & start thinking ima hurt amber too bc thats the kind of depression i went through. i was voilent with james, thought id hurt noella so i wouldnt go near her. i didnt wanna be left alone with her bc i was afraid id hurt her in all different ways. i even dreamt i did. i thought that people would think i was hurting her. in the very beginning i didnt wanna deal with her. id push her away & james would take care of everything. then all of a sudden i didnt want anyone near her. i thought even james would hurt her. i even became jealous over her when james would play with her & show her love. now im very close to her & dont think that way anymore. i dont think ima hurt amber or anything, im just afraid ill think i wanna. im more attentive with amber than i was with noella & that makes me feel guilty but i know i had depression really bad with noella. it was like i was a different person. trust me, im very happy about having the babies. i had bad pregnancies both times, i had hyperemesis & i know that it can cause depression, mood changes, & change a women physically, mentally & emotionally. idk if i should talk to a therapist. im scared.
im sooooo scared. i feel like i belong behind bars or a mental institution.
please. someone help.
ive gone through this with my first daughter. i had it so severe, i think they call it postpartum psychosis. i hate that word, it just makes me like like im psycotic.
im feeling depressed again. difference is, i felt depressed during my pregnancy with my first daughter, & right after i had her it hit me. lasted a while too, a few months i believe. & with this pregnancy, i didnt feel really depressed. i was stressed out though, & i was happy after i had her. its only hitting me couple days now. i guess its written all over my face bc my fiancee questioned me yesterday. he said one thing to me & i just started crying. i wouldnt look at him, i wouldnt answer him. he had to leave to do something & he kept calling me while he was out & i wouldnt answer his calls. id put them on ignore. he texted, i didnt answer. finally he got through to me & he told me he noticed it but didnt wanna tell me bc he thought id get mad. well i didnt get mad. infact, i felt a little relieved that he noticed it bc i didnt wanna tell him. but honestly he still doesnt know that i am bc when he asked i told him idk i dont think so, i think im just tired.
im up with amber all night long. its like she sleeps for only an hour & then shes up again & it doesnt make sense for me to try & sleep bc once i close my eyes shes up. we dont get to sleep til 8 in the morning & i only get 2 hours sleep at the most. then noella wakes up. james is already at work by this time so i dont even bother waking him up to help me bc i dont want him to run late to work or worse, miss a day. lord knows we cant afford that right now. i know not eating or sleeping right could cause depression especially after having a baby. my daughter is only a week old today. noella is 22 months old & taking care of her during the day is hard bc shes at that age where she doesnt care what you say, she just wont listen. yesterday i was losing my patience with her. i even ended up pushing her out of the way a few time & she would fall on her butt. i felt so bad but i wasnt realizing that i was doing it at the moment til after when i saw her on the floor. she wouldnt get hurt or anything but id find myself thinking about it later on & crying. im extremely close with noella, shes my first & i love her to death. i dont want her to feel neglected. i keep thinking thats how she feels (even though she doesnt seem it at all) & i start crying over that. i cry over every little thing. i just sit here & cry & cry. im happy about my kids. they were planned. yea im young. 22. i had my first when i was 20, got pregnant at 19, but im pretty mature for my age & i know what to do with kids. i just feel like im outside of my body. i never knew the meaning of that phrase til now. i finally feel it. when i walk i feel as if im walking sooo slow. i dont smile, nor do i laugh. normally im a big eater, always looking to eat, but im noticing im not eating like i used to. what the heck happened to me?? i was fine when i came home from the hospital. my biggest worry after having amber was hows noella gonna feel & noellas doing better than i am! shes happy she has a baby sister, she becomes all motherly. i know things are gonna change sooner or later once ambers a lil older & her sleeping/eating patterns change but i think i can handle that. i really do. but i cant handle this feeling any longer. idk if its postpartum, or what. ive always had bouts of depression throughout my life but nothing like this. see, as i said i was stressed during the pregnancy but not all the time. my fiancee & i would argue & have relationship problems but i dont think thats what caused this to happen. i really dunno what else to do. sometimes i feel like ima go back to the way i used to be *when i had postpartum with noella* & start thinking ima hurt amber too bc thats the kind of depression i went through. i was voilent with james, thought id hurt noella so i wouldnt go near her. i didnt wanna be left alone with her bc i was afraid id hurt her in all different ways. i even dreamt i did. i thought that people would think i was hurting her. in the very beginning i didnt wanna deal with her. id push her away & james would take care of everything. then all of a sudden i didnt want anyone near her. i thought even james would hurt her. i even became jealous over her when james would play with her & show her love. now im very close to her & dont think that way anymore. i dont think ima hurt amber or anything, im just afraid ill think i wanna. im more attentive with amber than i was with noella & that makes me feel guilty but i know i had depression really bad with noella. it was like i was a different person. trust me, im very happy about having the babies. i had bad pregnancies both times, i had hyperemesis & i know that it can cause depression, mood changes, & change a women physically, mentally & emotionally. idk if i should talk to a therapist. im scared.
im sooooo scared. i feel like i belong behind bars or a mental institution.
please. someone help.
to you!
