I am a new mama today.

[becoming]

No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!

[sweetpea333]

OK I wanna do it to, I have a problem with all the 3 u listed. i Promised myself that I would always use GD but when dd1 turned 3 it all went downhill

[lovemyfamily6]

I'm in. It's always my goal but when the going gets tough, this mama yells.

[Uxor]

I'm in too. I've been trying to kicks these tendencies to no avail for awhile now.

[chrissy]

okay, i'll join too.

i'm going to have a lot of questions though.

what would you guys do if you are cooking dinner, baby is fussing, 3 yo is painting at the table, and 6yo starts yelling at you and won't stop? i took away a privilege and sent him to his room. he carried on up there, yelling and crying at screaming mean things to me. once i had things under control with dinner and the other 2 i went upstairs to him and hugged him and rubbed his hair and told him how much i loved him. that really helped. but what to do in the moment?

[Cujobunny]

*sigh* I'm in too. Another mama of a 3 yr old here. I just wanna go one day without yelling.

[singlemomof4]

Count this mama of four in too!
I would love to be able to wake up in the morning telling myself today is a new day-I won't yell, threaten or guilt (which I DO do every single morning) and actually have it last after the kids have woken up half hour later

[titania8]

i'll join. i only wish one of you (or all!) could be here with me to help me out when i start losing it.

[becoming]

Wow, I just came back to this and am so glad there are so many responses!

We actually had a really good night. I had one bad mama moment with my 2.5-year-old at the dinner table. She was making a *huge* mess. I should have just taken a breath and reminded myself that she was a 2-year-old eating chicken noodle soup at a regular table, and there's no way for that to NOT be a mess. But instead, I got crabby with her and told my sister (on the phone), "Well, Anna won't be eating soup at the big table again!" sort of jokingly, but it made my baby cry. : I told her I was sorry for getting mad about the mess and that even Mama makes messes, and messes aren't something to get upset over, so I hope I "fixed" things.

I didn't even get cross with my 6-year-old once tonight. He usually gets the brunt of my stress, bad moods, etc., which I hate. I think it's because he's the oldest, so I expect him to be the "mature" one and am disappointed when he's not. Which is silly--he's SIX! But tonight we had a good night.

I sat and read books to all three kids for quite some time and patiently handled a couple of arguments between the older two, which has been a real struggling point for me lately--moderating their arguments without siding with one or the other and without threatening to split them up.

So overall, a great night for us. Just the one thing at the table, and I think I got through to her that I was truly sorry for that incident. Must remember that messes are much more "fixable" than hurt feelings...

Chrissy, I think you could try the hugging/rubbing his hair right there in the moment, when he's screaming. I know how hard that is. The last thing you want to do is hug a kid who's screaming at you! But it really sounds like he was wanting your attention in that moment. I know my kids are sooo attention-hungry when I'm cooking for some reason, maybe because it's the one time when my focus is totally unattainable? It sounds like you smoothed things over well after the incident, but maybe try some of that affection in the moment next time.

It's going to be great to have a thread to bounce ideas off each other and help each other become better mamas every day.

[hipumpkins]

Ok what are you doing to stay in the moment and not yell?
That is my worst problem. I don't yell everday and I don't yell for everything but some days I totally lose it...some times I yell and sometimes I grit my teeth and do that through teeth yell thing.

I NEVER want to do but I need a concrete effective way to make it stop.

What do you do...incidents aside I need the big picture.
I feel it coming on and once that rage is there it takes everything in my body not to hit and I don't I don't hit my kids but the anger has to go somewhere and right out of my mouth it flies....

[aschmied]

I'm with you! Another 3 yo here! I do ok on yelling, but threats sometimes slip out, and guilt is insidious. I'd also like to cut down on my use of " Just do x and so..." I hate it when she turns it on me, so it's gotta be a bad habit!

[crystalkr]

Ugh, I need to join. I've noticed that the times that I become enraged is when I feel that my parenting/kid is out-of-control and i don't know what else to do. I think if I don't know the correct reaction/disapline that I should probably do nothing but it's like i can hear all the other people in my head saying that my child will be an out-of-control brat if i "let him get away with that".

I'm also fuzzy on natural consequences. Like, for example, when my 3.5 y.o. purposely pushes over his 10 month old brother. I've been trying really hard to just ignore him and go comfort the baby, so that he can see that that behavior won't get him any attention, but that doesn't seem like enough. But if he is doing it for attention, then I need to give him more positive attention.....

The worst is that I need to control my hands. I don't hit my DS but i do sometimes grab his arm roughly which I'm sure scares him, despite telling him over and over that he needs to be gentle with his brother and that he is not allowed to hurt people. Talk about mixed messages. After thinking about it for a long time, this morning I told him that he can tell/ask me to be more gentle with him and that I've made mistakes but that I'm trying really hard to stop. He didn't say much but his eyes got a little teary which tells me that it does hurt and scare him and then I felt even more horrible. I would love to hear any thoughts, tips, experiences, etc.

I did just copy this from an archived thread and am going to put it on my frig.

When my dd is "acting up", I have finally learned to do a self-check. Since I started doing this, things are going much smoother for me as a mother:

What attitudes am I sending out? Am I thinking that dd is in my way/a nuisance rather than a contribution to me and the family? Am I angry at myself or my dh? Am I behaving in an addictive way (such as spending too much time on the computer or procrastinating or getting sidetracked) which tunes me out from my dd's signals? Am I uncomfortable with my dd's display of emotions? Am I being unfocused, indecisive, wishy washy, asking too many questions (to dd)? Am I being impatient with myself? Am I trying to accomplish too many things around the house and not taking time to smell the flowers, smile, laugh, dance? Am I being resistant of my child's love, respect and adoration of me? Have I kept us in the house all day (no fresh air, people contact, physical activity)? Is it a boring day? Am I not taking responsibility for my own happiness?

[riversong]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

What do you do...incidents aside I need the big picture.
I feel it coming on and once that rage is there it takes everything in my body not to hit and I don't I don't hit my kids but the anger has to go somewhere and right out of my mouth it flies....

I recently gotten serious about stopping the threats, guilt and anger. I am very far from having all the answers, but this is what has been working for me this week with dd...

I'm tuning in to myself more and stopping mid-sentence when I start to get angry, frantic, etc. I say something like, "I'm starting to feel upset and I need to calm down. I'm going to take a deep breath and count to ten." Then I take the breath and count and, amazingly, dd and I smile at each other after that. She just watches me and mellows out with me. Then I try and take things from there with a kind tone of voice and a gentler manner.

It wouldn't work for dd if she were having a tantrum, but when it's just my issue, like when she won't wash her hands for dinner and I'm sick of asking nicely because I just want to get her and ds eating, it helps! I actually stay really calm when she's screaming, but her ignoring and refusing push my buttons like crazy!

[samuelsmom]

I'm joining, too. I've been working on this for what seems like forever---but I've been reading Non-Violent Communication, and I finally feel like I have some tools to actually use, not just guilt over how I've done it wrong in the past.

So, here's to a new day!

[becoming]

Originally Posted by riversong

I'm tuning in to myself more and stopping mid-sentence when I start to get angry, frantic, etc. I say something like, "I'm starting to feel upset and I need to calm down. I'm going to take a deep breath and count to ten."

This is a great idea!

I do something similar. When I start to feel the "rage" coming on, I repeat this quote inside my head:

"Harsh words are like hailstones in summer, beating down and destroying what they would nourish were they melted into drops."

Or, now that I'm more familiar with the quote and its meaning, I'll just remind myself, "Drops, not hailstones. Drops, not hailstones."

I can't even remember where I read that quote, but it has helped me sooo much. I've shared it on these boards before, so forgive me if you're tired of hearing it, but I just hope it will help someone else.

We had a relatively good morning considering I got up an hour late. I realized that I need to work on two things: (1) actually getting up on time! The stress I feel in the mornings is totally my own fault for pushing the snooze button 20 times in a row! (2) I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.

[ricemom3]

Count me in, too.
It has become very difficult to control since I have teenagers who talk back (a lot). I hope this thread will help me to control myself with them and therefore teach them how to control themselves. Another roadblock I have is dh. He is very (I can't think of a word)...he gets loud and does yell. He kinda (a lot) wants things a certain way, and when they are different he doesn't really know how to handle it. Example - ds1 is 17, he likes to wear his jeans sagging (a little), his shirt covers it and he can walk normally. DH hates that and is constantly on him to pull up his pants. This usually turns into an arguement that I then try to disfuse, but get caught in the middle w/ dh accusing me of siding with ds. Anyway, I guess if I model the preferred behavior, the kids will follow my example.

[lovemyfamily6]

Originally Posted by crystalkr

The worst is that I need to control my hands. I don't hit my DS but i do sometimes grab his arm roughly which I'm sure scares him, despite telling him over and over that he needs to be gentle with his brother and that he is not allowed to hurt people. Talk about mixed messages.

Ugh, me too, especially with one of my 4 1/2 year old twins.

Originally Posted by riversong

I'm tuning in to myself more and stopping mid-sentence when I start to get angry, frantic, etc. I say something like, "I'm starting to feel upset and I need to calm down. I'm going to take a deep breath and count to ten." Then I take the breath and count and, amazingly, dd and I smile at each other after that. She just watches me and mellows out with me. Then I try and take things from there with a kind tone of voice and a gentler manner.

This is such a great idea, and one I'm going to use. Thank you for sharing it.

Originally Posted by becoming

2) I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.

I like your quote as well, about drops not hailstones. Also, I'm the same way about getting somewhere, mainly to pick my oldest up at school. It's super busy at the school so you need to get there before he gets out at 3:00. We live two minutes away, so I always want to leave by 2:45. The two 4 1/2 year olds are always difficult to get out on time because they want to buckle themselves, they need to find a toy to take, etc. Yesterday, we left at 2:30. We had a long wait, but we weren't rushed. I put on some of their music and we sat there and waited. I decided that starting today, I'm also going to play a color game with them. We'll choose a color each day and name as many things as we can with that color. I'll need to find some other good sitting in the car games too, because they start to fight if they sit together for too long.

[titania8]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

Ok what are you doing to stay in the moment and not yell?
That is my worst problem. I don't yell everday and I don't yell for everything but some days I totally lose it...some times I yell and sometimes I grit my teeth and do that through teeth yell thing.

I NEVER want to do but I need a concrete effective way to make it stop.

What do you do...incidents aside I need the big picture.
I feel it coming on and once that rage is there it takes everything in my body not to hit and I don't I don't hit my kids but the anger has to go somewhere and right out of my mouth it flies....

ay, this is me too. only i have hit them, but not often. and i hate myself for it. i apologize and talk to them about it, but it is not right and it needs to never happen again.

i did yell today, but not much. i caught it and made a note of having done it, but doubled my efforts of not yelling anymore. today is better than yesterday. tomorrow will be better than today.

what has helped me in the past is to repeat the words CALM, GENTLE, KIND LOVING. i keep thinking i should have them printed and on the walls to remind myself, so im going to do it. along with that quote about hailstones and drops.

[aschmied]

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily6

Yesterday, we left at 2:30. We had a long wait, but we weren't rushed. I put on some of their music and we sat there and waited. I decided that starting today, I'm also going to play a color game with them. We'll choose a color each day and name as many things as we can with that color. I'll need to find some other good sitting in the car games too, because they start to fight if they sit together for too long.

What about a "carschooling" book? I looked at one and many of the ideas were fun, and just HAPPENED to teach something. That's my favorite kind of learning.

I have just started doing something like the saying I'm upset deep breaths, but I haven't been quite so clear. I also like drops, not hailstones!

[forestrymom]

I start every day with this but it seems I fail . I need work. A lot of hard work. I need to remind myself that they are my blessing, my love, my responsiblity, when I am frustrated. Like just now. Ds NEVER naps long enough (like 15 minutes) and dd and I had just started playing when he woke. So I went to him, with dd and she was on the bed kicking me. I asked her to stop and she told me NO, then continued to do it. I know she is aggressive because I am, and I am working on that, but what do I do in the meantime? What is the natural consequence of her mean behavior?