I am a new mama today. - Page 6

[Momtotwo2004]

Joining in. I have to say, first off, that this thread has really been helpful to me in easing some guilt because I honestly do put the mom's here up on a pedestal. I do feel better knowing that even the best of moms have difficult times and need to work at it. Thank you so much for being open and honest and real.

Secondly, I will admit that one of the most helpful factors in my improvements lately as a mom has been taking the step to start an antidepressant. I have, over the years, gotten more and more lazy, angry, impatient, unkind, frustrated, and bored with my children. While I knew that I suffer from depression, I honestly believed that these things I listed were PERSONALITY traits and not aspects of my depression. I've tried everything from eating healthfully, excersizing, taking herbs, and counseling. My last resort was to take medication. I am really amazed at the difference in me. I am not who I thought I was. I AM a good mom. I DO enjoy my children. I CAN be patient, kind, loving, and fun. The difference in my children is also amazing. Not only is it easier for me to handle tantrums and the grumpies, but I notice they are happier. It breaks my heart to think how big of a role I played in our struggles.

Of course, I can always make improvements. But this was the hump that was preventing me. Most days, prior to this, I physically and emotionally could NOT turn things around and be more patient and fun. I just physically could not.

I'm loving all the advice, especially the mantras. Thanks again for sharing.

[mumkenna&lucas]

I haven't read all the posts yet, but count me in!! I will read through the previous pages later..
I am a mom of a 4 year old dd and 2 year old ds..Ds is very challenging for me!!

[Uxor]

Originally Posted by aprildawn

I notice I lose it when I feel helpless. No matter how I try to arrange my day so I have more time for my girls something happens to steal that time away. I don't know what to do. Eventually I lose my temper, yell, and feel awful.

I know how you feel. Yesterday I got really angry with my ds1 for pushing ds2 over for the ninty millionith time. I tried asking him how he felt and to find ways ways to help him stop but kept the the word why when I was asking him yes or no questions. I lost it yelled really loudly at him and dragged him off to his room.Fortunatly I never spanked him, came to my senses and then apologized and started make amends. Its so hard not to regress into my dad at times. I just hope my son doesn't remember it the way I do.

[becoming]

Just checking in. We've all been sick (throwing up...ugh), but I've been pretty patient (amazingly).

[hipumpkins]

We're going on vacation tomorrow so I wont be online for a week. I'm spending the 2nd at my parents where I get some computer time So I'll check in then.
Good luck mamas!

[riversong]

Ugh. After a really good run of being joyful and patient, I just lost it for a few days. I've been feeling depressed and overworked. I've been snapping at the kids over things I was ok with a couple of weeks ago.

Today I was trying to get dinner on the table and both kids ready. I was in the bathroom helping dd to wash her hands, which annoyed me because it's something she really can do all by herself. While I was in there, ds threw all of his food on the floor. I picked up what he could still eat and put it back on his tray. He threw it off again and I just snapped. I took him out of the high chair and plopped him on the floor and angrily threw his food away and slammed the garbage can back under the sink. I banged some more stuff around the kitchen also. Poor ds just sat on the floor sobbing. Dd totally tried to lighten the mood and connect with me after that and I just felt like crying.

Later on I realized that ds has a fever. I feel so guilty. I apologized to both kids, but I still was hard on them today and the apology doesn't fix that. I'm so tired of eating three meals a day alone with kids. I'm so exhausted from trying to meet two little people's needs by myself for 11 hours a day. I need to find my focus and get it together.

[JennieYoung44]

Hi riversong,

I'm not sure why, but your post just reminded me so much of my life ... :

I notice that all of our tempers get frayed when we are coming down with something. Kids are unreasonable, I am intolerant. I think it is really good that you can see that and admit it. I have the hardest time dealing kindly with my children at meal times. Once is okay, twice is pushing my limit, by dinner I just want everyone to smile and say thank you and eat what I've made! It is hard.

[columbusmomma]

It's so good to read this thread! I'm trying to take things each day, one at a time. Waking each morning and visualizing a non-yelling day, full of peace and happiness! One thing that is helping is getting down at Ds' eye level and telling him my feelings. He has lots of energy at times and can be very loud. Instead of just telling him over and over to keep his voice down so DD doesn't wake up from a nap, I now make sure we make eye contact when I ask him to be more quiet. It does seem to help, vs. just saying it without looking at him, while I go about with whatever I'm doing. I feel stressed when I see toys everywhere, dishes stacked up, piles of laundry, etc. I'm trying to not worry if those things are like that while the kids are awake. I"m trying to not be an "overachiever" of the household, and just enjoy the awake time with the children. I am trying more to let the little things go instead of letting them build up my stress level and then I snap! I am using deep breathing and "stepping" back when I can. When I let things go instead of trying to correct or change each little behavior, I am less likely to get angry, feel rage, or start yelling. I told DH that our house should be filled with laughter and love, not yelling. I had a happy childhood and want those feelings for my children when they are adults and think back to growing up. Some days are just so hard. I'm sleep deprived, working, low blood sugar. I feel the tension mounting and the rage growing. I am committed though, to trying to stay positive and NOT yell!

[mumto2]

I'm going to try to hurry the kids along less.

If we're late, we're late, it's not always the kids fault - and even if it is, being grumpy doesn't make the day any better for anyone. We have a new baby, people just need to be a bit more understanding of that.

So I'm not going to grump in the mornings anymore.

[riversong]

Originally Posted by jenniey

Hi riversong,

I'm not sure why, but your post just reminded me so much of my life ... :

I notice that all of our tempers get frayed when we are coming down with something. Kids are unreasonable, I am intolerant. I think it is really good that you can see that and admit it. I have the hardest time dealing kindly with my children at meal times. Once is okay, twice is pushing my limit, by dinner I just want everyone to smile and say thank you and eat what I've made! It is hard.

Sickness is so hard. You're right. When they're sick the kids are clingy and whiny and we're all so tired. I try to be extra patient, but it's the hardest time for me to be that way because I'm running on empty.

And yeah, dinnertime is tough. Dh and I came up with a way for him to get home at dinnertime today. We're gonna try and stick with our plan for awhile. I was getting tired of sitting down to eat with one person who throws his food on the floor and another who says "I don't like this!" before she even tries it. I need someone at the table who appreciates my cooking!

[aschmied]

Yeah, dinner time can be hard, especially when you are on your own. DH travels a lot, and when he's gone, it can be brutal. For the first time ever, I felt like hitting DD. She's usually ever so considerate of DS, and I was going to go get something from her room, and she'd been wanting DS with her. So I set him down next to her, and as she was sort of squirming I said "be careful of T". So she goes to kick him. I was shocked, and my first reaction (tired, and v. grumpy myself) was to slap her away from DS. I didn't of course, just scooped up DS, and took myself away, but I was stunned. It did help me recenter to get the kids, screaming, both of them, to bed.

[Uxor]

Yeah my dh travels a lot too. He's a pilot, so I know where your coming from. Mealtimes are rough sometimes. I just went through 3 days with both kids sick and no help from dh. I somehow managed to keep my temper in check till this morning. Got pounced on by ds1.

[AdInAZ]

Subbing...

Logically, I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, but this thread reminds me I'm not alone. Thanks everyone for sharing and supporting eachother. Count me in.

I would say that the past week has really been brutal on me and my dd. Even ds hasn't been sleeping well which I attribute to the stress in the house. Dd just likes to scream and yell for anything at anytime. I guess its her new way to get my attention when I'm with ds. And it *really* annoys me. I know she is needing more attention when she does this, but I swear that girl is going to make me lose my hearing she is soooo loud. It is a CONSTANT stream of loud loud loud verbal noise. It would be one thing if this was part of how she was playing, but she does it specifically to get attention. I just lose my temper and let her scream it out in her bedroom. Bleh...

Today though was a little better. Ds took a loooong 2 hour nap and I spent the entire time focusing on dd and really trying to fill up her love cup. I think it helped because I did not feel like losing it all day. Had a great day and dd even let me help her brush her teeth, another difficult task. Yay!

[becoming]

How's everyone doing? Sorry I've been MIA the past few days. Things haven't been going very smoothly for us, lots of sibling fighting and such. I did quit my job last week, though, so I am looking forward to seeing how staying home with the kids impacts our lives. Hopefully it will change things in a good way! My first day home is 4/17.

[PrennaMama]

Hi guys! Sorry I went AWOL... battling mycoplasma and I just started Spring Term in school again. Ugh...

Originally Posted by chattymummy

ADDICTION - that rang so true for me. Things have been harder since baby 3 arrived. I used to find that if I was okay, we were all okay more or less. I'm finding it harder to make sure that I am okay and my sense of humour has gone on holiday for a while.
Things that are helpful for me:
early nights for a while (don't get to see DH much this way though)
going outside into the fresh air (generally all of us cause they all follow anyway don't they?)
having a cuddle with the most irritating of them

So... on the ADDICTION thing...

Anyone actually ever spend time 12-stepping, or in recovery for anything... or have family or friends that have? Don't answer if you don't wanna... the reason I bring it up is that I get the sneaking suspicion that we act as one another's sponsers on some level. And often, folks in recovery will skip meetings and lose touch with sponsers, etc, when they're going through a crisis, or fallin off the wagon, kwim?

So I totally fell off the wagon for a couple of days. And I knew the whole time... "I need to touch base with the Ladies... I need to get on the thread for a few minutes..." and I didn't, and things escalated. No hitting, but some pathetic threats and mean-mugging... some yelling... arm grabbing... I got so down on myself... But here I am... and I feel inspired again already. I just gotta accept that we have a lot going on (I'm full-time 13 credits, 2 days aweek, 8 hrs/day... dd's in the very crunchy day-care at the school and I see her often throughout the day, but it's not the same; I am cleaning houses a couple days a week to make extra $$ and dh has been working more, but has her all to himself when I work... she still is with one of us the majority of the time, but with all the activity, it's still a big change...) and it's going to take time to hit a point of static routine again. Be easy on her, be easy on him, and FIRST be easy on me, so I can be easy on them.

Originally Posted by titania8

i would take the plate (or rather, have) but if you are not comfortable doing that, then obviously don't. maybe before you all sit down remind her that you expect her to stay in her seat like the rest of the family. if she says she wants to give you kisses and hugs suggest she save them all up for after the meal?

It's going pretty well taking the plate.. another stroke of creativity was to remove the chair... not punitively, but as an observation that she simply likes to stand... she stayed at the table the whole time, standing and eating and making conversation... the next day and that next night, she elected to keep the chair, and stayed at the table knowing she had the choice to stand if she prefers.

Originally Posted by titania8

anyone care to share their thoughts on our bedtime problems? my boys HATE going up to their room to bed. and then there is the challenge of keeping them in the room while we try and get them ready for bed.<snip>
they share a room. how can we make it something they like to do?

I have had to work really hard on this one, and dh is actually the softer touch with it...

A Bed-Time Book you put together with the kids, made up of pictures of all the activities/tasks involved in getting ready for bed is a suggestion in the no-cry sleep-solution... Pics of the boys brushing teeth and putting on jammies, saying prayers, whatever... pics from mags of the activities, etc... you could do a whole 2-3 days on this project with their help to construct the photo-images: "Ok, show me some really good bubbly-tooth-brushin smiles for the Bed-Time Book... that's it! More bubbles!" or "Ok, we need a picture of jammies off and jammies on... who wants to be the off-picture and who the on-picture, first? We need pics of both of you for the book..." Then at bed-time they get to look at the book to tell you the order of action... what comes next? Teeth or jammies? Maybe you could make a game out of it, using the chart-board... the boy that completes the correct task in the correct order first gets the pick of stickers, first, etc. You could use a timer and see if each night they can 'beat their own times', illustrate that working as a team on some things might make them happen faster... "Who is going to get the jammies ready so you guys can just jump into them?" Make lists together, or assign, together, who gets what jobs on the bed-time team each week... like at dinner on Monday, you have a note-paper and say "Ok, we need to select the Jammie grabber for the week? Which one of you wants to be the Diaper Prepper?"

Originally Posted by aprildawn

I just had a major meltdown because as I was downstairs trying to do some cleaning up my two were upstairs making a huge mess.<snip>

I'm always busy cleaning! <snip>

I notice I lose it when I feel helpless. <snip>

Eventually I lose my temper, yell, and feel awful.

Have you thought of enlisting their help? Get them each to carry soft cloths around, spray the stuff they can reach like cupboard fronts and TV, etc on your way by, and let them trail you being in charge of wiping those things. (You may have to do a swipe after...) If you're separated by cleaning, use it as a way to be together... if you're always too busy cleaning to be with them, then be busy cleaning together, so you'll have more time to play afterward, together... if that helpless feeling robs you of your reason, then get their help "Guys? I wish I could go really fast when I clean... maybe it would be faster if we do it together. What do you think? Wanna listen to some tunes and get a cleaning-parade going? I bet we could finish much faster if you help me... then we can all go outside!"... cleaning together is a great way to model responsibility. Dd (also 3) LOVES to help, and is quite offended if I don't enlist her aid... it might take less time, maybe more, some days... but it's way more enjoyable for me, and for her.

If you keep telling yourself that you will eventually lose your temper and yell, guess what? You will eventually lose your temper and yell.

BELIEVE you are in the beginning-steps of altering that previous behavior... that is what used to happen... but NOW, I am much more capable of staying calm... kwim?

Originally Posted by becoming

How's everyone doing? Sorry I've been MIA the past few days. Things haven't been going very smoothly for us, lots of sibling fighting and such. I did quit my job last week, though, so I am looking forward to seeing how staying home with the kids impacts our lives. Hopefully it will change things in a good way! My first day home is 4/17.

Remember that transitioning into your new role and new routine will take all of you time to adjust.

I have been a SAHM for all of dd's life, going to school at night when dh was home with her for a year, last year. Dh has had some challenges and needs some backup in the $ dept so I am cleaning houses for a couple friends. She is with dh when I work, with me when he works, and in a daycare that is SUPER constructivist and crunchy (I see her all day throughout the day... she loves it!) while I'm in class. This is a major change for us, and I forget sometimes that dd is only 3. I'm working on honoring the sweet little one in her that is trying to be so big... I'm getting better at keeping my expectations realistic.

Welcome Home, becoming... good luck and best wishes! We're here for you!

And thanks, guys, for being here for me.

[aprildawn]

Originally Posted by PrennaMama

Have you thought of enlisting their help?

If you keep telling yourself that you will eventually lose your temper and yell, guess what? You will eventually lose your temper and yell.

BELIEVE you are in the beginning-steps of altering that previous behavior... that is what used to happen... but NOW, I am much more capable of staying calm... kwim?

As for the cleaning, yeah, I've enlisted their help. They either lose interest or help too much resulting in me having extra work to do. For instance, while I'm loading the dishwasher, my oldest will try to mop leaving behind pools of water all over the floor. She wants to clean what she wants to clean, not necessarily do the jobs I'm asking her to do. Then it becomes a discipline issue of her listening to me and doing what I ask her to do, or not doing what I'm asking her to not do.

You're right about believing a new behavior and pattern instead of playing the old records! I'm better at that on some days than others.

[timneh_mom]

Sigh. I need to be here too. I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old and the 3 year old drives me absolutely nuts. I just want to go outside and beat my head against the pavement. Sometimes I don't even feel like he is human. That's when I know things have gotten really bad, when I feel like I am living with two creatures, and I feel so dissociated!

One thing that is not helping is that both kids are crappy sleepers. I slept poorly right from the beginning of my pregnancy with DS so literally I have not had good sleep for over 4 years without stopping. DH is wonderful about letting me sleep in on the weekends and giving me breaks but it's just not enough. I even had mono last year for over 6 months because I couldn't get enough sleep to get rid of it. So, the "T" in HALT is always present. Because I am always tired, I am always angry. I am often lonely, and always hungry because I am still tandem nursing.

Although I don't remember being spanked, I grew up with parents who yelled, and fought constantly until they separated when I was about 8. My mom was always angry, always. I was not an easy kid to live with and I know she and I fed off each other (now that I'm a mother looking back). I was very lonely and truly felt like nobody cared about what I was going through. Everyone seemed to forget about me. I still feel that way now when I'm having a particularly bad day with the kids.

People have suggested preschool to "give me a break" but who would it really be for? Me or him? Also, I don't want someone else to have to deal with him when he's being difficult. I also don't feel he is ready to be apart from me that regularly, right now. Preschool also doesn't fix stress at home but now I digress.

DH has a good job but I'm with the kids at least 11 hours per day. DS pushes DH's buttons SO bad. I always thought we were pretty mellow people until DS started into the "awful 3's".

Breaks for me are bandaids at best. It feels good at the time and I feel better for the rest of the day, but after a couple of days it feels like I never had one at all. Same with sleep.

Thank GOD it's nice out finally and we can all go outside. Winter was entirely too long this year and we were sick for pretty much all of it.

Anyway I really need to be here, I yell, have slapped, I grab. I don't want to do these things. I feel both entitled to do them, yet terrible at the same time and I know it's not right. (You have no idea how hard it was for me to admit this.) I just feel like I am one incident away from a complete meltdown. What do you give when you have nothing to give? I still haven't found the answer. If they would just sleep. But they won't.

I've just got to make this better, I have to. I can't let my kids grow up with an angry mother like I did. She is still such a bitter woman to this day. I am almost 39 years old and have't gotten over this. It's a part of who I am now. But I have to make things better for my kids even if I check in and post here EVERY DAY or more if I need to.

I can definitely see the connection between this and AA. Sometimes while in recovery you need a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day. But I can't keep going like this. Someone please help me? :

[tatermom]

I'd like to join, too. I haven't quite read the whole thread, but the addiction thing really rang true to me. Yesterday was a really bad day. I have never ever hit my kids and I try very hard to practice gentle discipline, but every once in a while I just lose it and get SO mad and have trouble with my hands being too rough with the kids. : Like, I'll grab DS1 and plant him hard in a chair, or drag him into another room to "take a break" (not a time out (I stay with him) but still something he's unwilling to do), and yesterday I pushed him away from his brother because I was so angry, and he fell down and sort of cried a little, and it was like I saw myself from above and realized how I was terrorizing him, how I was like this giant bully pushing him around just because I was bigger than he was (unfortunately this was not at all the first time, but it was the worst ). I felt so so awful about it, I held him and promised him I would never never do that again. And the reason why I was so angry? Ironically, because he was pushing his brother. What on earth am I teaching him?

Anyhow, we had a family talk about how we are getting into bad habits of talking rudely and/or yelling at each other a lot, and how we each need to find ways of letting out our anger so that no one hurts anyone else. I'm trying so hard to commit to not yelling, not being rude (like saying "Cut it out, DS!" --and DS is rude right back to me so it's obvious that that approach does not work at all!), not grumbling at him when he makes a mess, etc.

So, today is a new day for me, too.

[bellacymom]

Ok I didn't read all the post but I will. All I can say is AMEN about the three year old thing. And thank you for making this thread! Bella will be three in two weeks and man is she changing for the worse with the tantrum and not listening and oh the messes! I am trying not to yell, spank or be grabby but man somedays I feel like my teeth are going to crack by the end of the day from grinding them in frustration. I also have a 9 month old that refuses to sleep. I put her to bed at about 8:00 and she is up by 11:00 crying wanting to be nursed and if it is a good night she will be up two more times during the night and a bad one maybe four in a real bad night she will wake up and not want to go back to sleep for a few hours. It is REALLY hard to not sleep much and then have a 3 year old test in you in anyway they can. I am trying. Today hasn't been that great so far.

[bellacymom]

Originally Posted by timneh_mom

Sigh. I need to be here too. I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old and the 3 year old drives me absolutely nuts. I just want to go outside and beat my head against the pavement. Sometimes I don't even feel like he is human. That's when I know things have gotten really bad, when I feel like I am living with two creatures, and I feel so dissociated!

One thing that is not helping is that both kids are crappy sleepers. I slept poorly right from the beginning of my pregnancy with DS so literally I have not had good sleep for over 4 years without stopping. DH is wonderful about letting me sleep in on the weekends and giving me breaks but it's just not enough. I even had mono last year for over 6 months because I couldn't get enough sleep to get rid of it. So, the "T" in HALT is always present. Because I am always tired, I am always angry. I am often lonely, and always hungry because I am still tandem nursing.

Although I don't remember being spanked, I grew up with parents who yelled, and fought constantly until they separated when I was about 8. My mom was always angry, always. I was not an easy kid to live with and I know she and I fed off each other (now that I'm a mother looking back). I was very lonely and truly felt like nobody cared about what I was going through. Everyone seemed to forget about me. I still feel that way now when I'm having a particularly bad day with the kids.

People have suggested preschool to "give me a break" but who would it really be for? Me or him? Also, I don't want someone else to have to deal with him when he's being difficult. I also don't feel he is ready to be apart from me that regularly, right now. Preschool also doesn't fix stress at home but now I digress.

DH has a good job but I'm with the kids at least 11 hours per day. DS pushes DH's buttons SO bad. I always thought we were pretty mellow people until DS started into the "awful 3's".

Breaks for me are bandaids at best. It feels good at the time and I feel better for the rest of the day, but after a couple of days it feels like I never had one at all. Same with sleep.

Thank GOD it's nice out finally and we can all go outside. Winter was entirely too long this year and we were sick for pretty much all of it.

Anyway I really need to be here, I yell, have slapped, I grab. I don't want to do these things. I feel both entitled to do them, yet terrible at the same time and I know it's not right. (You have no idea how hard it was for me to admit this.) I just feel like I am one incident away from a complete meltdown. What do you give when you have nothing to give? I still haven't found the answer. If they would just sleep. But they won't.

I've just got to make this better, I have to. I can't let my kids grow up with an angry mother like I did. She is still such a bitter woman to this day. I am almost 39 years old and have't gotten over this. It's a part of who I am now. But I have to make things better for my kids even if I check in and post here EVERY DAY or more if I need to.

I can definitely see the connection between this and AA. Sometimes while in recovery you need a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day. But I can't keep going like this. Someone please help me? :

I feel the same EXACT way. Word for word. Especially about the break thing. I say I need a break but when it is over everything starts all over again. I find myself chanting "This too shall pass" all day long.