I am a new mama today. - Page 9

[singlemomof4]

Today I chose to be my first day as the new mama I had said I wanted to be weeks ago when the thread first began. I am so angry all the time, I am so frustrated and fuming, seething and shaking...it HAS to stop!

I watched my oldest DS get held from behind, restrained and thrown to the floor the other morning and watched as my other 3 children cried in horror wondering WTF was going on. I have had it up to *here* with being "that crazy single mom on the block" I can't tolerate the looks of disapproval at my unruly 9 yr old DS, and the shaking heads of strangers as they witness him swearing, throwing fits and kicking me.

Today begins my journey to self peace, happiness and compliance. I despirately hope. With all of your help of course.

I wonder though, are there any single mama's in similar situations who might be able to one on one help me through this, so that not all of my personal dirty laundry is aired on a public thread?

[Mom2lilpeeps]

I'm not a single Mom but I'm willing and available to 'talk' anytime. Hang in there Mamma!

[Synchro246]

Subbing.

[hipumpkins]

I'm doing pretty god lately and have switched, "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" to..."you need a break, let's go calm down"
I even told DD that we will call it the break room from now on

I ordered a Naomi Aldort book from amazon although at them moment the title escapes me...so hopefully that will help me with me.

I know it's all my own baggage. I'm going to work hard to be better than I was.

[lilsparrow]

Hello everyone. Thanks for inviting me hipumpkin.

I want to be a new mama. I will have to make some time to skim through the thread, but for now I just wanted to say hi. I hit rock bottom the other day and spanked my dd8.

[lovemyfamily6]

I posted here way back in March and then haven't been back. Part of my "fix" for myself includes cutting back on my internet time. I found the connection when I realized that the less tidy the house is, the less patient I am. And I was having less time to clean and keep things clutter free because I'm easily sucked in to the internet. I've really cut down and have more patience usually.

I have the same triggers that a lot of you mentioned- not getting out of the house on time, blatantly ignoring me...

I printed off the maxims of good parenting that were posted on this thread. I also printed the sticky of alternatives to punishment.

I love the bit about silence and how when you think it can't get worse, it can because you could be yelling at them.

We have been doing okay, but I'm not fully on the path that I want to be on, more like heading in that direction. We resorted to a reward chart. The three big boys were having such issues and fighting and not listening. We made a "let's work together" chart with squares. We have six little animals in a cup. The animals get taken away for totally unacceptable behavior. If at the end of the day, they still have at least one animal, we put a smiley face in a square. If they didn't lose any, they get two squares. The first goal was ten squares and they got the last Planet Hero toy they wanted (one toy, they share). Now they're six squares away from the next goal (15 squares) to go to Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. We were at the end of our rope when we implemented this and while dh and I discussed why we don't do rewards/punishment, decided to do it anyway in hopes of re-establishing good habits. It was working well, but now I find myself saying things like "If you don't want to lose an animal, you need to stop ____."

I also notice the boys saying things (not since the chart, but in the last year or so) "If you don't ___, then I won't ___." I told dh one day that I really don't like their ultimatums. It's like "If you don't give me a cookie, I won't clean up my toys." Dh reminded me that they are saying to us what we say to them. I replied that yeah, but we're being reasonable and it's about safety or kindness or whatever. Then it hit me that duh, they're 4, 4 and 6, I'm sure their ultimatum seems as reasonable as mine.

So basically, I'm doing a lot better with the yelling, still not perfect by any means, but still need to do a lot of work on my ways of dealing with things. I'm also guilty of trying so hard to stay calm and then reaching my breaking point and screaming at them. I always feel so awful and try hard not to do it, but I realize in order to stop, I need to learn the skills to replace it with gentle behavior on my part.

I really love Connection Parenting. I've read so many books and they are great while I'm reading them but I have such a hard time applying them.

I'm going to do the "commit to a month" thing and not go off and think it's not working. I'm going to keep plugging on and I will be the gentle mama I want to be.

[petra_william]

Originally Posted by becoming

This is a great idea!

I do something similar. When I start to feel the "rage" coming on, I repeat this quote inside my head:

"Harsh words are like hailstones in summer, beating down and destroying what they would nourish were they melted into drops."

Or, now that I'm more familiar with the quote and its meaning, I'll just remind myself, "Drops, not hailstones. Drops, not hailstones."

I can't even remember where I read that quote, but it has helped me sooo much. I've shared it on these boards before, so forgive me if you're tired of hearing it, but I just hope it will help someone else.

We had a relatively good morning considering I got up an hour late. I realized that I need to work on two things: (1) actually getting up on time! The stress I feel in the mornings is totally my own fault for pushing the snooze button 20 times in a row! (2) I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.

oh i love that quote, mind if i steal it?? thats just too lovely!

[becoming]

Hi again, mamas! I'm still around and still working on becoming the mama I want to be, although I haven't been doing as well lately as I would like to. My oldest child is home for the summer now, and he is just a whirlwind of disobedience and defiance most days. He and DD hardly EVER get along, and he is so LOUD all the time. He just seems to create so much chaos in our household, and it's very hard for me to be patient with him. I try so hard to think of him as the tiny baby that I loved and cuddled and rocked and fed, but I can just barely see in him a shadow of that sweet baby that he was once was.

One thing that has helped me a *little* in the past few weeks is being around the wife of DS1's tee-ball coach. She has FIVE kids, the oldest of which is only 8 years old, and she seems to be the most patient and gentle mama I've ever met. Even in the most chaotic situations (like being at a tournament from 8:30 AM to 6:30 PM with no one to help her with her kids), she never loses her cool or raises her voice. She speaks in such a calm, gentle tone to her kids, and I am trying to mimic her actions. Every time I start to lose it now, I think of her and how she would respond. Sounds hokey, but it's really helping me.

[Awaken]

This thread has helped me so much- this is the first time I've gotten a chance to post, but just reading along has really made a difference. I really struggle with handling 2 kids. My older one is very challenging and high needs so from the beginning I've always felt like I've had a different path than most other parents, and felt like most people can't relate to what I'm going through as a mom- so it does help to read that I'm not the only one who feels like they're going to lose it half the time!

Getting out the door in the mornings, just getting ready, is the hardest part for us, too. It's a tough thing, b/c they do better when we're out of the house, yet I can't do what it takes to GET us out! Every single day it isn't accomplished without major screaming and fighting. I can't get dressed, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom without them immediately grabbing and hitting each other and screaming for help. I almost dread waking up, knowing that's what's ahead of me. I've started to do a few things to try and help the situation:
-stay up later and pack all snacks, school lunches for the next day.
-wake up earlier to get myself dressed, start breakfast. Of course this means later nights, earlier mornings, less relaxation time and less sleep, all of which I need more of, not less!
-the most recent issue of Mothering had a great article about mom rituals- even if it's just stretching your arms overhead and taking a deep breath and welcoming the day. So I'm trying to do a few yoga poses when I wake up, take a minute during the day whenever I think of it to "check in" with myself, say a prayer, remind myself of wanting to be the mom I want to be and my kids need me to be.
-try to cut out caffiene- I'm noticing that I get hypoglycemic, shaky, overhungry, and generally unable to handle life when I've had too much coffee, much as I love it .

Another thought I've had- I think some of their fighting and screaming is a learned response, a pattern that they are used to doing every time they see me walk out of the room. In the same way, my reactions to their fighting is a learned thing too- my heart races, I get angry, often want to hit (although I don't- I have done other rough treatment though ). I am trying to break that pattern- like the previous poster said, when I start to get that shaking feeling of rage, to teach myself a new reaction- breathe and pray and ask for strength. It hasn't totally worked yet but at least thinking about it and attempting it I hope eventually will make a difference.

Here's what happened today, and it's pretty typical for most days! We had a great time at the park, we were all well fed, gotten lots of sleep, and I was feeling good about our day. Then it came time to leave to take my son to school and I gave them 5 minute warning. He was having such a good time, I think he was blocking me out, and ran away to play more. A few mins. goes by and I go to him and say do the slide one more time, it's time to leave for school. He totally freaked out, ran away, started screaming "I don't want to go to school!" Would not get in the stroller, wouldn't walk with us and just laid on the ground screaming while I tried to do everything to get us home. We walked the entire LONG way home with him having a huge tantrum, hitting and screaming, throughout the entire town with everyone watching us. This is a scene that has happened numerous times- everyone who lives here must know me as the struggling mom with the kid who tantrums everywhere we go. I am starting a small business in our community and I feel like everyone at the park and who we just passed are my potential clients- what do I look like to them?? Who would hire me after seeing that??

I tried hard to restrain myself from doing anything I'd regret, but I still said some things to him I shouldn't have and feel terrible about it. Now I'm going over everything I did wrong, when I'm trying so hard to do things differently- I should have given him more warning, made sure he understood we were leaving soon, maybe talked about it even before getting to the park and we could have avoided all of it. Yet also trying to accept that kids have tantrums- maybe it's not all me and no matter how I handled it he would have done the same thing.

[Awaken]

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily6

I printed off the maxims of good parenting that were posted on this thread. I also printed the sticky of alternatives to punishment.

I love the bit about silence and how when you think it can't get worse, it can because you could be yelling at them.


I also notice the boys saying things (not since the chart, but in the last year or so) "If you don't ___, then I won't ___." I told dh one day that I really don't like their ultimatums. It's like "If you don't give me a cookie, I won't clean up my toys." Dh reminded me that they are saying to us what we say to them. I replied that yeah, but we're being reasonable and it's about safety or kindness or whatever. Then it hit me that duh, they're 4, 4 and 6, I'm sure their ultimatum seems as reasonable as mine.

I'm also guilty of trying so hard to stay calm and then reaching my breaking point and screaming at them. I always feel so awful and try hard not to do it, but I realize in order to stop, I need to learn the skills to replace it with gentle behavior on my part.

I really love Connection Parenting. I've read so many books and they are great while I'm reading them but I have such a hard time applying them.

I've got to check out some of those sticky's when I have time.

Re: ultimatums- I am so guilty of this. I am grasping at straws with how to get them to do what they need to do, or stop doing undesirable behavior, so I often find myself saying the "if you don't ____ you won't get to ____" even threatening that he wouldn't go on his field trip tomorrow which of course he will get to go! As soon as it comes out of my mouth I realize how ridiculous it is, and he knows that, too, so then I become ineffective because I'm not following through on what I say!

Also, on trying hard to stay calm, then snapping. That is me, too! I can do well for only so long- but after 11 hours of dealing with fighting, demands, and generally normal little-kid behavior by myself all day, by the evening the smallest thing is just too much!

[Surfacing]

OMG I love you mamas and this thread. Just checking in to say I feel ya'll.

[Kothi]

I'm joining. I'm turning into my mother and scaring myself. <sigh> I need to be accountable somewhere.

[mija y mijo]

How do I make this right?

I want to start off by saying that my children are the most amazing and beautiful people to ever come into my life. I love, love, love them to little pieces. They make me smile every day. My life is full because of them.

So why do I yell? Why do I get so irritated with DD? Why do I lose my patience and say rude things to a seven year old? What is wrong with me???

I was in such a bad mood today and I totally took it out on her. I feel horrible. Tonight I apologized and said that I was really grumpy today and I was so sorry for yelling and for the way I treated her.

I read this board and feel so inspired by all of you. Why can't I just implement what I know is the best and right thing to do? Why when I lose my patience do I yell?

DD is trying at times, to say the least. It doesn't help when others comment on how they, "don't know how I do it!" She is strong-willed and persistant and there are moments where I admire those qualities about her. Then at other times I just want her to say, "OK, Mom!" Is that really too much to ask sometimes?

I don't want my yelling to negatively effect my children and I can already see that it has. DD senses when I start to get frustrated and will ask me what's wrong. I feel like I'm putting my stress on her.

I don't know... I guess it was just a bad day. But I don't want to have another day like today. I need patience. And some guidance. I don't want to yell anymore.

[hipumpkins]

one for you and one for your kids

[Jannah6]

I SOOOOO want to GD, but DC take advantage of me. I'm sorry ladies, I'm going to have to put this one on the backburner

[OkiMom]

If you all don't mind Id like to join in.. I thought I was doing really well until about three months ago. I didn't know at the time but I was pregnant (Im 16 weeks right now) and it is killing my temper. I know that a lot of people have problems with emotions but its killing me right now..
I have a 16 month old beautiful baby girl, her and my husband is my world. I love them both so much. She is sooo active, she is into EVERYTHING and never stops moving. From the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to sleep she is into whatever she can find. I find myself losing my temper with her for things that I would have just let slide today. For example, today I had gave her lunch and instead of eating it she grabbed it and ground it into the floor. She also rubbed it all over herself and me while I was trying to keep it up. When I tried to change her diaper a little later she kept grabbing the poop and smearing it all over the place.. Im ashamed to say I slapped her hand. I have never raised my hand to my baby and I can't believe I did that.. I don't know why I did, I just lost it..
I dont' want to be my mother or my father. They use to slap us all the time, belittle us, threatened, etc. I want to raise her and any other children we have with love and kindness. I want them to know they are safe and cared for at home and that they have a home (I never felt like that till I got married, I still don't consider my fathers house someplace i can go back to).
I hope to get some support from people who can understand why gentleness and love is how you are suppose to raise children. Thanks.

[mytwogirls]

Is there room here for one more mama?

I am a terrible toddler mom. I just am. I try not to yell or slam things, but dang she just gets the better of me. So, today was the worst. She was on my nerves and I was TIRED. I yelled, she yelled louder and a shouting match began. I suddenly caught myself and stopped. I just shook my head and hugged her said I am sorry. I need to start over (is there a restart button somewhere?) Anyway I want to join. I want to learn to be a better toddler mom and have patience and understanding instead of exploding and not understanding. My other girl, almost 11 months, is a joy, so quiet and watchful. I don't want my girls growing up with a mean mommy. My DH and I are VERY VERY VERY loving to our girls and we don't fight, ever (seriously we don't.) I just wish I could be better so here I am. I hope I can do better.

[mija y mijo]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

one for you and one for your kids

Thank you.

Today was so much better. I still got a little irritable a couple of times today when I took them to the store, but I reminded myself that they are only children.

And I'm realizing that most of the time the problem is ME and my perfection and control issues. I just need to let go and relax!

I'm so thankful to have found this thread. I'm hoping to get through it tonight and start taking some notes.

[mija y mijo]

Originally Posted by jenniey

Quote:
Some Maxims About Childhood Behavior

Children aren't adults, so don't expect them to behave as though they were.

Children learn by doing, so don't expect to approve of everything they do.

It is a rare child whose behavior equals his parents' expectations.

Children are more likely to do as you do than to do as you say.

It is often less important for parents to control their children's behavior than it is for them to control their own.

Children react to anger; they respond to love and affection.

Thank you for posting this. I'm printing it off and putting it around my house as a daily reminder.

[Surfacing]

Ugh, I've had a few bad stretches over the past several days, my poor dd1. I'm ashamed. I'm a little undermedicated right now and my mood is not what it should be. It affects my parenting SO MUCH. I am sad. Oh well, I will be seeing my doc next week and hopefully will adjust my meds some more. In the meantime, I try to walk away when I feel really angry, and talk about it later when calmer. Or if I've yelled and generally have been a jerk I'll go back later when calmer, explain that I know I was a jerk and apologize. I'm so ashamed. I just have to keep climbing back on the horse and doing it again.

After a crappy morning today I said to dd, "Hey, we've had a rough morning haven't we?" and said let's both try to co-operate more and get along better in the afternoon. It worked. I let go of a lot of stuff and just let things be. It kills me when dd still says, "I love you Mommy." or "you're my best friend" after I've been an impatient yelling a$$. How long before she decides she hates me, yk?