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I am a new mama today. - Page 2

post #21 of 270
Today has been a perfect example of waking up, telling myself "I will not yell, I will not take their age appropriate tempertantrums personally" etc. I almost feel like in telling myself I won't do these things that I am setting myself up for dissapointment. I try the deep breathes (they just make me want to scream more), counting to ten(how many times are we supposed to do this for it to work?), walking away from situations I know will end in argument (which BTW my family worker has been adiment about re-inforcing and stressing to me a million and one times lately; you do not argue with children!) This makes me mad. How am I not supposed to argue when everything out of their mouths in their anger is a direct argument starting point. They set out the bait and me being "mom" and the grown up, I am not supposed to take the bait!!?? AHHHH:

So today is grocery shopping day...whoo hoo! Mommy and three children in tow. I knew this would be a BAD day to do it, but in my defense my choices were either today with three monkeys trailing behind; when two can go in cart and one walking beside me...OR tomorrow with four yelling, whining, monkeys trailing along. One of which; DS1, who could and WILL throw a massive uncontrollable fit in the middle of checkout if I won't buy him exactly what he wants and when he wants it. So I chose today. We're in the store, DS2 walking holding cart beside me Great! But he's picking up a million things along my way throwing them carelessly into my cart, DS3 and DD in cart strapped in and not going anywhere;right? Wrong! DS3 climbs over his sister, out and into cart full of food squishing bread, eggs, bagels, veggies etc along his way!!!: All I wanted to do as I felt my face redening, cheeks burning and tempers rising was get the heck out of there! But I couldn't. I will not go back later, in the midst of a snowstorm, with four children, at rush hour of grocery shopping. No way no how. Sooo, I nicely ask DS3 to get back into his seat, "No!" I ask again nicely, but looking sternly and somewhat enraged. He again says "No!" this time louder. And I snapped! So much for no yelling. And yelling in public!!! I hate it! But I wasn't even thinking about where we were, what was happening or anything. All I was thinking of is; this child beter listen to me now or he is going to regret it. You know whats funny? He did get back in the cart, sat their the entire remainder of our shopping. But you know who felt regret? ME!

I think I am among the many other mamas who too are looking for help in the moment. I know what I "should do", it's being able to remember in the heat of moments like this morning.
post #22 of 270
Thread Starter 
Ugh, not having a good evening mentally, mamas. My 2.5-year-old came home loaded up on Easter candy today, and she is being so, so difficult. At least my 6-year-old is quiet--my mom bought him a new Wii game.
post #23 of 270
Thanks for starting this thread. I will be taking notes, I need it!
post #24 of 270
My husband is a pilot and left for work today and won't be back till tuesday. Let's see if I can find the strength to not yell or guilt my three year old while he's gone. He misses his father a lot when he's gone and tends to act it out. It's so hard to be patient at times. This evening went amazingly well, let's keep our fingers crossed for tommorrow.
post #25 of 270
I'm not sure but aren't the parents of 3 year olds exempt?

I lived through one and dreading the next one.
post #26 of 270
Thread Starter 
Don't get me scared about age 3! My middler will be 3 in October. For the most part, I've forgotten how trying age 3 was with my oldest.
post #27 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
He usually gets the brunt of my stress, bad moods, etc., which I hate. I think it's because he's the oldest, so I expect him to be the "mature" one and am disappointed when he's not.
I have this problem w/ ds, too. He is 4.

I am a yeller, a grabber (only a couple of times, but still), and a lecturer/guilter. Not sure how to stop. I'm a tiny bit better with the yelling, but giving it up for lent didn't seem to help. It's like it just wells up in me and I can't control it, or totally justify it to myself in the moment. It's scary. I've even started yelling at my 21 mo dd.

For me, it's mainly misplaced anger related to my family of origin. I'm working hard now at trying to get past it. I also have a hair-trigger temper when my blood sugar gets low, so I thought I'd mention that. Some of you may need to eat more often! I also am anxious when my house is a mess, so I've been trying to maintain the level of chaos to something bearable.
post #28 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post
I think I am among the many other mamas who too are looking for help in the moment. I know what I "should do", it's being able to remember in the heat of moments like this morning.
The grocery store is very, very hard. I do whatever it takes to make it more pleasant for all of us. For me, that means I treat myself to a frappucino when I walk in the door (caffiene high, yay!), and the kids can munch on anything they like as we shop as long as they're neat (stuff that isn't sold by weight.)

In the moment stuff, let's see...step away (not possible in the store), deep breaths, mantras, don't get into awful situations (e.g. me and kids in store when we're all hungry and tired), comic relief if at all possible, rescue remedy.

Come on mamas, let's hear some more in the moment fixes!
post #29 of 270
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by colleen95 View Post
I also have a hair-trigger temper when my blood sugar gets low, so I thought I'd mention that.
DD and I are both like this as well. You can almost bet that if DD is having a tantrum, the problem is that she's hungry. I try to keep whole wheat crackers with us at all times for moments like these.
post #30 of 270
I'm in.
post #31 of 270
grocery store trips suck, I have 3 little ones 3, 16 mos and 6 mos, I went shopping for WIC After a long day of errands and with . WIC Sucks, heres how I do it, I have 2 ergo's I strap the little one to my front and put the other ergo on my back with 16 mo, Then I do my best to engage 3 yo with his own shopping list, can you find the apples or eggs what ever he likes it I try to treat it like a scavenger hunt, I do loose my temper and have been known to walk out leaving my full cart of grocery's in the middle of the aisle I have only had to actually leave the store and get to the car once talking to my ds along the way and when he calmed down explaining what I needed (not expected ) of him for us to buy the things in our cart and take them home. I also let them each pick one approved thing When I feel the ball of heat rising up in my stomach (the anger heat) I growl I know it is still aggressive but at least I am not yelling or snatching their little arms ( I have had a problem with this move in the past and am trying hard not to do anymore)and it makes me feel better and I can then recenter and deal with the situation.
My 16 mo is potty friendly and knows that the phrase pee pee will send me running to the bathroom and is a great way to get down off of my back. then he loves to go boneless while sissy is on my front making it impossible to pick him up. so sissy gets shifted to the back at this point of the trip and 16mo goes in the cart. At this point in the trip I am looking for an exit, Another thing I try to do is arrange my shopping list by most important things go into the cart first that way if i have to cut my losses I have what is really important, like eggs, veggies first , chips snacks last.
It suck being "that" mommy but I think we are ALL "that" mama sometimes
I truly feel like when we are "that" mommy apologizing to my kids is super important, If I loose it I try to tell my son im sorry I lost it, and then I try to explain why I lost it , ie. I was feeling very frustrated because you kept putting things into the cart or you wouldn't listen to mommy and brother and sister were crying it was hard for me but I still shouldn't yell at you that was wrong , so I am sorry and I love you.

I dont think there is anything wrong with letting my kids know how their actions affect other people, I try really hard not to guilt them but awareness is helpful, I know that if I am aware how my actions affect others I can try to be more aware of them I notice my ds1 responds to this he wants to make me happy he wants but those cheddar bunnies and those strawberries. I dont know if theis will help but it works for me
post #32 of 270
In line at the grocery store we play Simon Says so little hands are busy on their heads instead in the candy shelf.

I am literally sweating after a trip to the supermarket with my kids and find that I always forgot at least 3 things that we need but I'm always glad when it's done..forgotten things or not.
post #33 of 270
I think you are brave to post this and inspiring to want to change your behaviors. I know that the single most important thing is having the desire to change.
I think, there is no "in the moment fix." It would be nice if there were, I agree. The only thing you can really do when it is hitting the fan, is watch. Almost anything you do, I think, is destined to result in disaster. I went through a looong period of time where I ping ponged between happy folk mama and freakin' loud mama. Here are few things to consider:

1. If you really want to change, give yourself and your children a MONTH to get used to it. You will end up changing your attitude/outlook/mood but your kids will not notice. In fact, they may become even "worse." After all, you have been relying on the power of your voice to keep everyone "in line." If you aren't going to use it anymore, be prepared that the children will not notice for a while. Does this make any sense?

2. A 3 year old is a 3 year old is a 3 year old. There is no changing them only accepting and waiting and finally, some day it becomes a 4 or 5 year old. It gets easier. All a 2-3 year old wants is your UNDYING attention. What is so hard about that?

3. Get your husband/partner/other ON BOARD as soon as possible. He doesn't want to yell either, I am sure. Don't blame. Just talk. "I don't want to __________ anymore. Let's do this. Let's not _____________ anymore. Let's give it a month." I really think it is very hard for moms and dads to accept their shortcomings. We are all afraid of blame and guilt and pointing fingers. And we have a HUGE supply of excuses -- valid excuses. It isn't easy raising children. So, remember that every day is a new opportunity to try again, and remind him/her/whatever as well. Your children are resilient, they will forgive you. You are teaching them to overcome obstacles, and that is a lesson worth learning.

4. I strongly suggest handwriting out these maxims and hanging them somewhere you will read them many times daily. Source

Quote:
Some Maxims About Childhood Behavior

Children aren't adults, so don't expect them to behave as though they were.

Children learn by doing, so don't expect to approve of everything they do.

It is a rare child whose behavior equals his parents' expectations.

Children are more likely to do as you do than to do as you say.

It is often less important for parents to control their children's behavior than it is for them to control their own.

Children react to anger; they respond to love and affection.
They were invaluable to me in my struggle to stop yelling (and grabbing and threatening...)

Last suggestion: Practice silence. If you don't have anything nice to say... you know the rest. Keeping your mouth shut is very hard to do. Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.
post #34 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniey View Post

Last suggestion: Practice silence. If you don't have anything nice to say... you know the rest. Keeping your mouth shut is very hard to do. Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.


This brought tears to my eyes. I am going through a very crazy time with dd who will be 4 in a week. I will try silence more. Thank you.
post #35 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post

I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.
Ugh. I do the exact same thing! I hate being late. When I look at this intellectually I can see that being a little late for preschool or music class is no big deal, but in the moment I get frantic. I get so angry at dd for refusing to brush her hair, etc, because she's making us late as well as refusing to cooperate with me.

I've realized that what I need is a total shift in my view of life. I need to put things in perspective and then live according to what I think is most important. This is so hard when dd and I have conflicting desires and I don't have a solution I can think of off the top of my head. I'm learning to forgive myself and look at the little bit of progress I'm making each day. And there is nothing better than seeing the change in my dd. When I am more positive and relaxed, she is more joyful and cooperative. It's amazing.
post #36 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Don't get me scared about age 3! My middler will be 3 in October. For the most part, I've forgotten how trying age 3 was with my oldest.
im going to have two 3 year olds in october! yikes!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by colleen95 View Post

For me, it's mainly misplaced anger related to my family of origin. I'm working hard now at trying to get past it. I also have a hair-trigger temper when my blood sugar gets low, so I thought I'd mention that. Some of you may need to eat more often! I also am anxious when my house is a mess, so I've been trying to maintain the level of chaos to something bearable.
this is me. i hate eating in the morning, it makes me gaggy and nothing sounds good. but i know i have to eat. i need to find something that i can stomach, with protein. which sounds easy, but i can't have dairy (one of my nurslings is intolerant) so that leaves out yogurt (soy is gross to me) and cheese, and we try to eat veg here, but i have been craving sausage so i think im going to just get some.

guess is just talked myself through that problem. thanks for listening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by colleen95 View Post
The grocery store is very, very hard. I do whatever it takes to make it more pleasant for all of us. For me, that means I treat myself to a frappucino when I walk in the door (caffiene high, yay!), and the kids can munch on anything they like as we shop as long as they're neat (stuff that isn't sold by weight.)

In the moment stuff, let's see...step away (not possible in the store), deep breaths, mantras, don't get into awful situations (e.g. me and kids in store when we're all hungry and tired), comic relief if at all possible, rescue remedy.

Come on mamas, let's hear some more in the moment fixes!
my in the moment fix is to sing. i am not a good singer, nor do i enjoy it, but it does make things better. when the kids are yelling and im want to pull my hair out i (if i haven't gone over the edge yet) start singing any kids song i can think of. i feel better, more calm, and they stop and listen, if only for a second at first. i have not had to do this at the store yet, we don't have a huge problem there (knock on wood). but when they get restless i just pull a box of crackers off the shelf or get a couple fresh rolls from the bakery. food solves pretty much all problems.

today is off to a good start. i managed to eat something this morning, and the boys are in good moods. i feel a little on edge, but its snack time for me. again.
post #37 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!
I'll join you. Wish DH would too.
post #38 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post

So today is grocery shopping day...whoo hoo! Mommy and three children in tow. I knew this would be a BAD day to do it, but in my defense my choices were either today with three monkeys trailing behind; when two can go in cart and one walking beside me...OR tomorrow with four yelling, whining, monkeys trailing along. One of which; DS1, who could and WILL throw a massive uncontrollable fit in the middle of checkout if I won't buy him exactly what he wants and when he wants it. So I chose today. We're in the store, DS2 walking holding cart beside me Great! But he's picking up a million things along my way throwing them carelessly into my cart, DS3 and DD in cart strapped in and not going anywhere;right? Wrong! DS3 climbs over his sister, out and into cart full of food squishing bread, eggs, bagels, veggies etc along his way!!!: All I wanted to do as I felt my face redening, cheeks burning and tempers rising was get the heck out of there! But I couldn't. I will not go back later, in the midst of a snowstorm, with four children, at rush hour of grocery shopping. No way no how. Sooo, I nicely ask DS3 to get back into his seat, "No!" I ask again nicely, but looking sternly and somewhat enraged. He again says "No!" this time louder. And I snapped! So much for no yelling. And yelling in public!!! I hate it! But I wasn't even thinking about where we were, what was happening or anything. All I was thinking of is; this child beter listen to me now or he is going to regret it. You know whats funny? He did get back in the cart, sat their the entire remainder of our shopping. But you know who felt regret? ME!

I think I am among the many other mamas who too are looking for help in the moment. I know what I "should do", it's being able to remember in the heat of moments like this morning.
. It's been years since I have taken DC grocery shopping with me, but then again I'm not a single Mamma. I won't even take oldest well-behaved 10 yr old DS and well-behaved 5 yr old DS food shopping, it's natural for all LO to want, want,want. Forget about taking my 2DD, they are SOOOOO NOT well-behaved, under any circumstances.

Do you have friends or family that can at least watch the oldest DCwhile you food shop?
post #39 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniey View Post
Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.
I love this. This will stick with me. Yes yelling does make it worse. Because then I feel so guilty for the rest of the day even lying in bed at night wishing I hadn't yelled. My ds is very sensitive and I feel when my anger is welling up inside, that I just need a physical release. If I try not to yell, sometimes I clap my hands or stomp my foot but that scares him. I hate scaring him. But the odd time where I manage to just breathe through that moment of feeling like I'm going to lose my top, that... it's gone. and we can get on with our day.

I agree with keeping the blood sugar up too. I snack just as much as ds does, every couple hours. I have to make sure I drink enough water too.
post #40 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovemyfamily6 View Post
I'm in. It's always my goal but when the going gets tough, this mama yells.
Me too! I want to do better, but sometimes no matter how hard I try, it seems impossible!
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