I am a new mama today. - Page 3

[mytwogirls]

Can I join this club? I have a two year old and nine month old and yeah, I promise everyday no more yelling, arguing, slamming doors and guess what happens? Yep, usually all three. Ok, so here we go! No more, I promise (this time for real! ) Oh, please help me make it through the day.....

[libranbutterfly]

I want to join this thread. I have come along way, but am stll not too happy with myself as a mom. This thread has helped me alot already

[becoming]

We had a really bad day. We were out of town most of the day, and I'm sick on top of that. So I was not the nicest mama today.

Tomorrow will be better. Drops, not hailstones...

[hipumpkins]

Today I remembered that I had to hold myself accountable to this thread (of all things) and mid yell I just started lowering my voice.
Although at breakfast my kids were crazy..."he's looking at me aaaggghhh" kind of stuff. Michael was a fusspot who didn't want any of the breakfast that he wanted (he's 2 remember)
so I was literally in the bathroom in looking in the mirror saying, "this isn't crazy? They are crazy! They are trying to make me crazy...why must they scream!!"

So I went crazy in the bathroom but I didn't yell.

*hugs to you becoming. It totally stinks when you're sick :

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by sweetpea333

OK I wanna do it to, I have a problem with all the 3 u listed. i Promised myself that I would always use GD but when dd1 turned 3 it all went downhill

Originally Posted by Cujobunny

*sigh* I'm in too. Another mama of a 3 yr old here. I just wanna go one day without yelling.

Ok, so I'm not the only one... thank all that's SACRED for you ladies... I promise to sub and read the entire thread, didn't make it past the first couple posts... just gonna jump in and come back to read through in detail when she's down.

Everyone keeps telling me "Oh you know, they're much worse when they're three..."

I refuse to buy it. They may be more challening, but I choose to look at it as her independance coming to fruition, her personality separating from me.

One thing I learned in early childhood education is that 3 is a threshold between being parent-oriented and being more peer-oriented, between the throes of Body-Being and the progression toward Emotional-Being (which starts around 8).

Right now they are battling with themselves as much as they are with us.

They want to be with us... WITH us all the time, and then they suddenly don't want us around. They want to be independant and self-sufficient, but then they want nurturing and help... and then they wanna do it ALONE, Mommy! And all of it on their terms.

So I know all of this from a clinical stand-point. I was a great teacher of this age-group. Prided myself on potty-teaching 8 children between 2.5 and 3.5 at a time in a fairly crunchy pre-school with Piaget leanings. I give great advice. I fascilitate workshops on certain totally awesome books (like Faber/Mazlish), at dd's Reggio-based 2days/week school where I parent-help 4-5 times a month the other moms call me the preschool-whisperer and pass off their kids to me as they leave, because they know I'm good for hugs, supportive nurturing, and attentiveness in a way that the teacher isn't so much (whole other thread on THAT woman), etc...

All the while, at home, with my own (which is just like they all said it would be... totally different, and very demoralizing to a former teacher on her way to a degree in clinical pediatric psychology hoping to serve families of high needs kids...) I am struggling against the abuse I received at this age, having ridiculous power-struggles, being yelled at, enduring some seriously nasty attitude (where the heck did the mean-mug come from??) and barely maintaining a degree of GD principles.

I will gladly share what's working for us (the things that actually occassionally work!) if you guys will share what's working for you all! I just need some support, I need to know other AP and GD moms are going through it too, and are committed to making the best choices, and NOT replaying the not-so-awesome parenting choices our parents made (for those of you whose parents rocked, I can only envy you...).

How do you reach past how you were parented, in the moment, to resolve conflict without coercion, threats, punishments, and abuse/intimidation-tactics?

[juliemarie]

I'm in. I'm so tired of yelling. I want a peaceful home.

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by forestrymom

<snip>
So I went to him, with dd and she was on the bed kicking me. I asked her to stop and she told me NO, then continued to do it. I know she is aggressive because I am, and I am working on that, but what do I do in the meantime? What is the natural consequence of her mean behavior?

Would you feel comfortable offering a choice to her? When dd gets 'violent' with me (hitting or punching or kicking; rare, but it happens) I remind her "Our house is a peaceful house. Your choice right now is you can stop kicking me and stay in here with me/us, you can leave the room, or I/we can leave the room." Sometimes she chooses "YOU leave!" And I say, "Ok, I'm going to the whatever-room, and I'm going to be peaceful. Let me know when you are ready to be peaceful too."

Maybe the natural consequence is that you aren't in the room to field the abuse...kwim?

Originally Posted by jenniey

I think you are brave to post this and inspiring to want to change your behaviors. I know that the single most important thing is having the desire to change.
I think, there is no "in the moment fix." It would be nice if there were, I agree. The only thing you can really do when it is hitting the fan, is watch. Almost anything you do, I think, is destined to result in disaster. I went through a looong period of time where I ping ponged between happy folk mama and freakin' loud mama. Here are few things to consider:

1. If you really want to change, give yourself and your children a MONTH to get used to it. You will end up changing your attitude/outlook/mood but your kids will not notice. In fact, they may become even "worse." After all, you have been relying on the power of your voice to keep everyone "in line." If you aren't going to use it anymore, be prepared that the children will not notice for a while. Does this make any sense?

2. A 3 year old is a 3 year old is a 3 year old. There is no changing them only accepting and waiting and finally, some day it becomes a 4 or 5 year old. It gets easier. All a 2-3 year old wants is your UNDYING attention. What is so hard about that?

3. Get your husband/partner/other ON BOARD as soon as possible. He doesn't want to yell either, I am sure. Don't blame. Just talk. "I don't want to __________ anymore. Let's do this. Let's not _____________ anymore. Let's give it a month." I really think it is very hard for moms and dads to accept their shortcomings. We are all afraid of blame and guilt and pointing fingers. And we have a HUGE supply of excuses -- valid excuses. It isn't easy raising children. So, remember that every day is a new opportunity to try again, and remind him/her/whatever as well. Your children are resilient, they will forgive you. You are teaching them to overcome obstacles, and that is a lesson worth learning.

4. I strongly suggest handwriting out these maxims and hanging them somewhere you will read them many times daily. Source

They were invaluable to me in my struggle to stop yelling (and grabbing and threatening...)

Last suggestion: Practice silence. If you don't have anything nice to say... you know the rest. Keeping your mouth shut is very hard to do. Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.

I love ALL of this!! ALLL of it.

Ok, so, having now read the thread, here are my pieces to add, in hopes that by adding some love, I'll be more loving myself!

In The Moment Mantras:

Will the world come to it's end if I don't let this go?
usually the answer is no...

Am I, are we, is she... Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired? HALT = Mama, stop.
if I am attending to these things, my job is easier...

I am creating her recollections. What do I want that to look like?
Paint your child's sense of self and experience of the world with patience...

In LOVE there is no room for punishment.
PERIOD.

Even when it isn't working, it's working.
becuase every effort plants a seed for the fortitude of our relationships with our children. Our lowered voioces after yelling, or our silence in the chaos now, means more trust and security later...

Ok, so there are some mantras that help me...

Some books (click on titles to follow links to reviews and descriptions...) that are really helping me (I re-read them; could re-read them again 10 more times, get more everytime I do!):

• Raising a Secure Child:Creating an Emotional Connection Between You and Your Child by Zeynep Biringen, PhD. This book spans infancy - adulthood, a literal workbook in ways to tend to your connection to your child. Attachment is a term loosely tossed about. This book details how to assess and maintain the quality of that attachment we have strived for, into adulthood.
• How To Talk So Kids Will Listen; How to Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Follow this link to a really good, unbiased review, that contains a link to a pdf. with all the main points from the 7 chapters in a "mind map' ... reeallly cool, and perfect for posting onto the fridge or other strategic locales! Just found THIS particular link.
• Natural Learning Rhythms by Josette and Sambhava Luvmour. Seriously, it's right there in the name... Luv More. More love... and understanding of what our kids are going through and insights into developmental stages even into teen years and beyond. This is the book that discusses the Stages of Being, like Body-Being, Emotional-Being, etc. Holistic educators are recommended to read this one, and it supports unschooling or home-schooling strategies, too...

That's my top 3 right now... at midnight...

One last thing... Anyone practice LoA? We might find success by starting to eliminate phrases like: I don't want to hit or I don't want to yell;referring to our behaviors as things we won't or don't want to do, the idea being that when we put it into an active, positive light, we begin to become what we're creating. We really can create some wonderful recollections for our dc's... Do we want them at 25 to look back and say "I remember that my mom and I..... were always covertly hostile to one another." Or do we want something for our children more like, "I remember that my mom and I... always have had a very understanding relationship. I have learned so much from her like..." When we say we don't want to hit, the words "we" "want" "to" "hit" are still in there, you know? Like "I don't want to be fat" has the words "I" "want" "fat"... We should (must?) begin to know we are evolving into what we want to be. Know it and say it aloud.




I will wake up and be peaceful. Thank you for this thread... I am so grateful I found you guys...

[JennieYoung44]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

in the bathroom in looking in the mirror saying, "this isn't crazy? They are crazy! They are trying to make me crazy...why must they scream!!"

So I went crazy in the bathroom but I didn't yell.

I cannot tell you how much time I have spent in the bathroom having this exact conversation with myself.

Originally Posted by PrennaMama

Will the world come to it's end if I don't let this go?

I really like this one. Especially important with a 2/3 year old... and especially difficult. Just this morning Cedar ran into the room with a thing of toothpaste, threatening to squirt it on "my head." So, I'm calmly asking him not to, pleading, saying, "that's for teeth..." It ends up on the floor. Of course, this isn't the end of the world. So why, in the moment, does it feel like it is? Sigh, and clean it up.

Prenna? What does LoA stand for? I really agree with that idea, of focussing on positives rather than negatives.

[AmyRoo]

I am VERY in, Lindsay. Being sleep-deprived and frustrated with life in general makes it hard, but there is no reason my babes should have to suffer for that. I am totally making a conscious effort towards this.

[Fanny1460]

I must remember it too.

[Ks Mama]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

Ok what are you doing to stay in the moment and not yell?

If I feel myself getting rage-filled, and feeling like yelling, I may yell, "I AM GETTING REALLY ANGRY, I NEED A BREAK!" (and I've been able to get myself not to even yell that, but to make a concerted effort to say that REALLY QUIETLY, then I close the gate, not the door - because that doesn't make anyone happy, and take a 30 second break away. Not sure that's good, but its certainly better. Then, I take some deep breaths, sometimes I call DH, I remind myself my child is 3 and I am 30-something , and that I can control myself when she can't. When I'm cooler, I then force myself to make a (as DH puts it) "reconciliatory gesture". Regardless of the situation. A HUG almost ALWAYS fixes things. An apology, or an offering of favorite activity or snack, or can I hold you, or whatever. Something. It helps us both.

[PrennaMama]

LoA= Law of Attraction... Google it... I'll explain later, my mom is here, and she's undoing some positive parenting, I gotta go! Lol!






Seriously....

[singlemomof4]

Originally Posted by Jannah5

. It's been years since I have taken DC grocery shopping with me, but then again I'm not a single Mamma. I won't even take oldest well-behaved 10 yr old DS and well-behaved 5 yr old DS food shopping, it's natural for all LO to want, want,want. Forget about taking my 2DD, they are SOOOOO NOT well-behaved, under any circumstances.

Do you have friends or family that can at least watch the oldest DCwhile you food shop?

I don't have anyone at all really willing to take on my children for shopping or otherwise. Four is a big number lol
I do however normally go shopping with just DD on days when DS's are all in school and pre-school. Unfortunately this doesn't always work out (money coming in and super need for food on days when all DC are home

[becoming]

Originally Posted by AmyRoo

I am VERY in, Lindsay. Being sleep-deprived and frustrated with life in general makes it hard, but there is no reason my babes should have to suffer for that. I am totally making a conscious effort towards this.

Amy! I'm so glad to see you over here! And glad you joined this thread.

[faerierose]

Can I join you?

[Ish'smom]

I'm in.
My DS is only 14 months and I am already having trouble with yelling and overly forceful removal . I have been trying very hard but sometimes I just lose it. In those instances I feel like I am being just like my Dad was when he was angry. ie yelling and scary , mean looks.

I will be peaceful cal and loving with my little boyy.

[becoming]

I am having such a rough time this evening...

The baby is fussy and the big kids are fighting, and I just want onesingleminute to do something *I* want to do.

Joy, the baby just woke from a lovely 10-minute nap.

[PrennaMama]

Hi Ladies!

Originally Posted by jenniey

I cannot tell you how much time I have spent in the bathroom having this exact conversation with myself.

Ditto... I have a bathroom break once or twice a month, it seems (right around when the PMDD is hitting me big) and I have these conversations with myself too... and sometimes dd through the door.

Originally Posted by jenniey

Prenna? What does LoA stand for? I really agree with that idea, of focussing on positives rather than negatives.

The Law of Attraction is based on the principle that the universe likes balance. Whatever frequencies you vibrate out will return to you. Fans of the very popular book/movie The Secret are utilizing this ancient principle to create more abundance in their lives, and it works. It takes some getting used to, but the main idea is that what you can hold in your mind, you can hold in your hand, or your life. If you think about what you actually want things to look like, it will begin to come to fruition. Avoid thoughts that play up your mistakes or bad days... refer to those moments more like: "I used to have a real problem with yelling and threatening, etc, but NOW I'm committed to being a calm and peaceful person, and it's getting better everyday."

Again, it can feel like a con at 1st, but soon enough it becomes true...

Originally Posted by Ish'smom

I'm in.
My DS is only 14 months and I am already having trouble with yelling and overly forceful removal . I have been trying very hard but sometimes I just lose it. In those instances I feel like I am being just like my Dad was when he was angry. ie yelling and scary , mean looks.

I will be peaceful cal and loving with my little boyy.

Even just typing it out helps a bit, yeah? Seriously! We all have it in us to be peaceful calm and loving! It's gonna take some work, and some re-thinking...

Some of us were not gently parented, and the knee-jerk response is often based on what we know on a cellular, experienced-based level.

My mom used to pull my hair and shake me and scream right in my face, then toss me outside and lock the door...

And there have been horrible moments where the 1st instinct was to react similarly with dd; where in that snap-moment of "What do I do?" there was my mom, in my mind, looming over me, clutching my wrists and scraming... and then, there I was... screaming, holding dd's arms.

In order to brush up on how one goes to school, when I went back, I took this course called "Study Skills." In the course of a few months we studied a variety of learning styles. And we discussed how the brain learns and stores learned information. Whatever we learn creates a neural trace, like a path through grass. If no one uses the path, the grass comes back and eventually it's like there was never a path there.

Adult children of abusive homes have little paved roads of abuse running through our parenting skills-wiring. My idea is this: I want to create so many positive experiences, to absorb through books, threads like this, conferences on parenting, classes, friendships with other like-minded-moms, that my positive view of parenting dd becomes like a highway... out-moding the knee-jerk responses created by how I were parented.




So please excuse me for being so totally long-winded and slightly hijacking the thread. I learned in the "Study Skills" class that my learning language is reciting/teaching. That's how I learn best... That combined with my passion for child-psychology, the deep desire to out-mode what I 'learned' from Mom, and this thread being so wonderfully timed, have all driven me to ramp up my efforts and research more, and such...

Thank you for the opportunity to share and learn with you guys.

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by becoming

I am having such a rough time this evening...

The baby is fussy and the big kids are fighting, and I just want onesingleminute to do something *I* want to do.

Joy, the baby just woke from a lovely 10-minute nap.

How do you enlist the bigger kids to help when it's like this? How does dh react?

A couple of the phrases I have been using with some success:
"Would you consider...?"
"I have a problem with..."
"I'm not ok with..."
"I see..." or "It seems to me..."


So like with the big kids, it might look something like "Would you guys consider giving each other some space and playing separately for awhile? It seems to me that you're having a hard time working things out constructively... I have a problem with all the fighting. I'm not ok with all the fighting... it would be really helpful to me if you guys would manage your conflict by giving eachother some space..."

[columbusmomma]

i'd like to join too! Need the support! i've woken up the past 3 days or so and tell myself, today will be good! I'm trying to focus more on the important issues and let the little things slide! Times can be hard....I have Ds, age 5 and Dd 8 months! Hi everyone!