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I am a new mama today. - Page 4

post #61 of 270
Becoming,
this thread for some keep me accountable. Isn't that weird? I want to thank you for starting it.

Last night I did not yell when driving home from Easter at the IL's m,y DS emptied an entire bottle of water onto DD ON PURPOSE.
He was exhausted and hopped on too much candy as was she. The ride home was nightmare...screaming fighting kids. DS was mad that he was wet (natural consequence anyone?) and *I* held it together.
I didn't ignore them but I stayed calm.


My problem is not that I just need stop yelling..I need to stop WANTING to yell and hit (I don't hit them but I sometimes want to)
post #62 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post
And we discussed how the brain learns and stores learned information. Whatever we learn creates a neural trace, like a path through grass. If no one uses the path, the grass comes back and eventually it's like there was never a path there.

Adult children of abusive homes have little paved roads of abuse running through our parenting skills-wiring. My idea is this: I want to create so many positive experiences, to absorb through books, threads like this, conferences on parenting, classes, friendships with other like-minded-moms, that my positive view of parenting dd becomes like a highway... out-moding the knee-jerk responses created by how I were parented.
this is what i think about after i have lost my temper and created yet another negative memory/experience for my boys. that i am making it that much harder for them to be peaceful adults and parents.

but at least i am working on it, right?
post #63 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by titania8 View Post
this is what i think about after i have lost my temper and created yet another negative memory/experience for my boys. that i am making it that much harder for them to be peaceful adults and parents.
:

I also got a reminder today about what I know, but forget sometimes. It's all feedback. If I'm irritable, not only does DD irritate me more, but she really does do more irritating things.
When I can somehow find it in me to let go, she goes back to normal for a while.
For example, DD insisted on playing with my car cell phone recharger. I didn't really want her to, because she likes stretching it WAY out, and chewing on it. We started arguing about it, with her provoking me, when I caught myself, thought about it, (the "does this really matter?" one!) and said "You know love, this is silly. Please do not put it in your mouth, or stretch it too far, and give it back to me when you are done."

2 minutes later, she gave it back to me, after playing with it very nicely.

Now if I can always bring myself back that well....
post #64 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniey View Post
I think you are brave to post this and inspiring to want to change your behaviors.
Practice silence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post
I am creating her recollections. What do I want that to look like?
what an amazing thread. thank you, becoming, for starting it.
thank you so much.

when i start to feel rage i do this "thing" from a yoga workshop i took. i kept finding myself stamping my feet and slapping the wall (ouch!) and i didn't want to model that anymore but i also felt like i needed some sort of "release", at least until i can stop the rage from swelling in the first place, like hipumpkins was talking about. so i breathe out, kind of forcefully, and then i clench my hands (HARD) and then stretch them open as wide as i can, over and over in rapid succession and then, stay with me, here, i'm getting pretty woo-woo, after about ten seconds of doing the open-and-close-hand thing i stop, hold my hands at waist level like they are wrapped around a small beach ball - fingertips just a few inches away from each other. you can really feel the energy between your hands. no for real. then i try to release it. imagine it glass and let it smash to the floor; let it float away; literally take it to the door and lock it out. out.
so that's my woo-woo thing i do and i'm only telling you all because if there is a teeny tiny chance that someone else could read it and feel like i do after reading your thoughts then it's worth typing it out.
"i'm a new mama today."
i thought this thread would be a happy story about a birth.
i'm so thankful i stumbled upon it.
it is.
it is a happy story about a birth. mamas giving birth to the best and brightest versions of themselves. how inspiring. for real.

i feel so hopeful right now.
post #65 of 270
I'm in as it has been a BAD day.
post #66 of 270


I'm in. I'm trying to get away from spanking my 4yr, and stop yelling.

We do timeout but sometimes even that doesn't work she just screams like she's being attacked when she is just asked to please stay in the timeout chair and be quiet and she would get out of timeout faster but she just screams.

So far this morning has been good. Should be interesting when my mom comes over with my 3yr old brother and almost 2yr old sister.

post #67 of 270
Thread Starter 
Aileen, I'm going to try your method of breaking the rage like glass today. I'm so glad you (and others) are finding this thread helpful.

I thought of something else that I learned from another mama a while back and had forgotten. She was giving me a Mary Kay makeover, and while we were playing pretty face, her 2-year-old tore into all her products and broke a couple of tubes of her lipstick. She took one look at the mess, and I braced myself to hear her scream at him. Instead, she very calmly got down eye-level with him and went, "Grrrr, Joshua" in a very playful way. I thought that was a great way to blow off steam and let the child know she was upset without crushing his little soul by screaming at him.
post #68 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by titania8 View Post
this is what i think about after i have lost my temper and created yet another negative memory/experience for my boys. that i am making it that much harder for them to be peaceful adults and parents.

but at least i am working on it, right?
Exactly... you're working on it. And you can take it one step further:
"I had a real problem, creating negative memories, but NOW we have begun strengthening the positive ones... Now I am re-paving the pathways..."

Quote:
Originally Posted by aileen View Post
<snip>
so that's my woo-woo thing i do and i'm only telling you all because if there is a teeny tiny chance that someone else could read it and feel like i do after reading your thoughts then it's worth typing it out.
"i'm a new mama today."
i thought this thread would be a happy story about a birth.
i'm so thankful i stumbled upon it.
it is.
it is a happy story about a birth. mamas giving birth to the best and brightest versions of themselves. how inspiring. for real.

i feel so hopeful right now.
I LOVE this!! As a meditation instructor, I often advise folks with anxiety to "blow it up"... literally, envision your stress (or rage in our cases) as a balloon and blow it up HUGE, breathing all the while like you're blowing up a ballon, then give it a

pop!

Thanks for the reminder... I'll use your idea, for sure, and remember the balloon, now, too. I got a lump in my throat when I read your post. Becaue that's how I felt when I stumbled across becoming's thread for accountability. My own yelling and freak-outs have been reduced dramatically since finding this little oasis of support and accountability.

Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Aileen, I'm going to try your method of breaking the rage like glass today. I'm so glad you (and others) are finding this thread helpful.

I thought of something else that I learned from another mama a while back and had forgotten. She was giving me a Mary Kay makeover, and while we were playing pretty face, her 2-year-old tore into all her products and broke a couple of tubes of her lipstick. She took one look at the mess, and I braced myself to hear her scream at him. Instead, she very calmly got down eye-level with him and went, "Grrrr, Joshua" in a very playful way. I thought that was a great way to blow off steam and let the child know she was upset without crushing his little soul by screaming at him.
I love this one too.

I will try it.

becoming you rock.
post #69 of 270
Well I had a good day today with my ds1. I had a rough time over the weekend with him though. Gonna have to try that balloon thing. I think we tend to feed negativity off of one another. Cause I've noticed that when I feel good, we both feel good. I love this thread.
post #70 of 270
I am ready to eliminate the ultimatums and threats...

I find I say "If you do xyz, then abc will happen" sometimes it's bribery, sometimes it's warnings, or threats... like when dd can't seem to keep her body in her chair between bites of food, and seems to need to run a freakin lap after each bite at dinner. It grinds me, and I am trying to let it go somewhat, but she pushes really hard when guests are over... I guess trying to see if I will be on my best behavior. A common response is to say "If you're done, please clear your plate (tae it over). If you're not done, please sit and eat til you are finished eating, and then you may get down and take your plate over"... this deteriorates into: "I'm going to count to 3. If you don't come back to your place, I will take it that you're all done, and take your plate." She usually mean mugs me, and says, "NO! I am not done, you may not take my plate!" To which I say, "Well if you get down, it looks like you're telling me you're done... if you;re not, then come back, please."

Ideas for eliminating "If" conditions? Or at least ideas on getting dd to stay for dinner??
post #71 of 270
Thread Starter 
PrennaMama, I don't like the "if" stuff, either, and I do it SO much. It feels like threatening to me, even if the conditions make sense. I would love to hear some thoughts about how to move away from the If's.
post #72 of 270
I'm just subbing to come back to later. I'm 27w pg and have been less-than-patient with 4.5yo DD lately. Sigh.
post #73 of 270

just in time

This is exactly what I was needing. A place to vent and hold myself accountable. All three are issues for me too. I am glad to know I am not crazy and alone in this matter. God luck girls!!
post #74 of 270
prenna, i don't know if you will find this suggestion useful to your dinner challenge, but what i sometimes find helpful is to say "i will know you are ready to ____ when ______. " i guess you could say i will know you are ready to eat with us when you are sitting down. i will know you are all done when you get up. might be worth a shot.

or you could get a booster with straps. : seriously though, i don't strap my kids in, but they do use booster seats and it does help them stay in their seat, since it is more work to get out of. its also harder for them to fall out of when they are goofing off or not paying attn.

so i have to share my semi-success today. several times today (as everyday) there was lots of crying and whining and fit throwing. but i resisted my urge to scream and yell. and yes, i admit, at the end of the day when we were in the midst of our nightly bedtime "episode" i started to get worked up and thought of this thread. so thanks ladies, for being here for me and my littles.
post #75 of 270
Thread Starter 
Congrats, Helen!

This thread has been helping me keep my cool so much. I've actually started pretending that you ladies are here with me, watching how I'm handling things, and it works! (Hope no one thinks I'm nuts for doing this. )

I have to share my own mini-success story tonight. We went out to eat dinner with my mom this evening in a nice sit-down restaurant, and my kids, of course, being three young children, were being much louder and moving around much more than I would have liked for them to. Instead of getting mad and being cross with them, I kept saying, "Calgon, take me away!" and everyone was laughing, including my mom & me. I successfully turned a behavioral disaster into a fun, silly time for all of us, even the adults!

I am really thinking that "playful parenting" is going to be my key to success. Playing and being silly seems to be the best way for me to diffuse a tough situation. I've always used this method during arguments between my husband and myself, so I don't know why I didn't think of it before to use with the kids. Anyone do "playful parenting?" I have the book but haven't read it yet.

Oh, and this is more related to co-sleeping/nighttime parenting, but my DD (age 2.5) is sleeping in her own room tonight for the first time, which is nothing short of miraculous. I merely suggested that she start sleeping in her own bed in her own room tonight, and she agreed! She read books in there for about 30 minutes, then fell asleep. I am amazed. It can't be this easy. Oh, but I hope it is.

Of course, it's 10:33 PM and I'm still not asleep because I can't imagine going in there and sleeping without my baby girl in bed with me! :
post #76 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by titania8 View Post
prenna, i don't know if you will find this suggestion useful to your dinner challenge, but what i sometimes find helpful is to say "i will know you are ready to ____ when ______. " i guess you could say i will know you are ready to eat with us when you are sitting down. i will know you are all done when you get up. might be worth a shot.
I like it... should I remove the plate, or is that coercive? Meaning, like, when she gets down and takes off on a lap around the table (this is tough because she often claims she's getting down to come give us hugs and kisses... ) pick up the plate, and say "I will know that you're ready to join us for dinner when you sit at your place.".....?

Quote:
Originally Posted by titania8 View Post
or you could get a booster with straps. : seriously though, i don't strap my kids in, but they do use booster seats and it does help them stay in their seat, since it is more work to get out of. its also harder for them to fall out of when they are goofing off or not paying attn.
She's been out of high-chair and booster for about a year. She was quite offended when I offered her a booster, last time... she does really well in a chair (when she stays) and loves that she no longer has special implements just for her... she likes to get a big porcelein plate like mom and dad, a glass of water with ice, big fork, etc...

Quote:
Originally Posted by titania8 View Post
so i have to share my semi-success today. several times today (as everyday) there was lots of crying and whining and fit throwing. but i resisted my urge to scream and yell. and yes, i admit, at the end of the day when we were in the midst of our nightly bedtime "episode" i started to get worked up and thought of this thread. so thanks ladies, for being here for me and my littles.
Yay, girl!

Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Congrats, Helen!

This thread has been helping me keep my cool so much. I've actually started pretending that you ladies are here with me, watching how I'm handling things, and it works! (Hope no one thinks I'm nuts for doing this. )
No way you're nuts, cuz then I'd be nuts. I seriously have this little colony of like-minded moms in my back pocket, and you're all rooting me on when I start to feel mean.

I have gone as far as to tell dd my oath... "I am working toward being a peaceful, calm, quiet mama with nothing but hugs, kisses, and support."

I used that tonight... she gets this (if she were a bleedin' woman, I'd use the term bit*hy) attitude with me, where she just glares and growls and snarls, and is all venomous and says things like: "Just s t o p i t, Mom. Don't talk to me, anymore!"

I wanna snap and throttle her, Homer Simpson-style. So I said, "You know, dd, I told you I really am working hard on being a peaceful and loving mama who doesn't have to yell to talk to you. When you make mean faces and say hard words to me, I feel like yelling at you. Do you like it when mama yells at you?"

"No..." she sneered.

"I really just like being respectful and calm. You seem really angry. I'll be ready to talk with you when I have calmed down, or when you can talk to me nicely."

She quietly said, "ok..."

Shortly she was all over me with kisses and hugs and I love you's and the newest one, "You are a great mommy. You're the best!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
<snip>
I am really thinking that "playful parenting" is going to be my key to success. Playing and being silly seems to be the best way for me to diffuse a tough situation. I've always used this method during arguments between my husband and myself, so I don't know why I didn't think of it before to use with the kids. Anyone do "playful parenting?" I have the book but haven't read it yet.
Who is that by, do you have a link? I have heard the title before, and it sounds right up our alley. The playful side really does work, it's just hard for me to remember it in the moment... but you're right... it works with dh too, so why not with dd?
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Oh, and this is more related to co-sleeping/nighttime parenting, but my DD (age 2.5) is sleeping in her own room tonight for the first time, which is nothing short of miraculous. I merely suggested that she start sleeping in her own bed in her own room tonight, and she agreed! She read books in there for about 30 minutes, then fell asleep. I am amazed. It can't be this easy. Oh, but I hope it is.

Of course, it's 10:33 PM and I'm still not asleep because I can't imagine going in there and sleeping without my baby girl in bed with me! :
If she's anything like my dd, she will enjoy it, but will come back to your bed for fabulous early-early morning snuggles and mini-co-sleeping sessions.

Dd's been in her own bed for about a year, now, but always shows up about 3:30-4:30 for some num and sleeps with us til morning light.



Nice thing dh loves it, too, and oft jokes "Think she'll still come snuggle with you when she's in her 40's?"
post #77 of 270
Thread Starter 
She stayed in her bed until 6:15 this morning!!! I can't believe it.

Prenna, here's a link to the "Playful Parenting" book by Lawrence J. Cohen. I think I'm going to dig mine out tonight and start reading.
post #78 of 270
I thought I posted this last night but I guess it didn't go through. (hopefully I didn't reply in the wrong thread..I've done that before)

Does anyone else sing things like this:

"Mama said there'll be days like this"
"Cry" By Janis Joplin...I love to belt out the Come and Cry cry baby part.
and "Jesus loves the little children" I was singing that once in the car and my sister asked, "does that calm them down" I said "no it reminds me to calm down"
So what are your songs?
post #79 of 270
i'm in!!!

i'm home on maternity leave and have been home with ds and new babe. nap time is making me crazy!! i think our ds might be ready to stop them but then he gets just crazy by like 6 if he skips his nap. anyway, i grabbed him and put him in his bed yesterday two or three times after finally getting dd to sleep.

and he started to claw at me and pinch, like he was trying to hurt me, because i was hurting him of course, he was laughing and giggling because he was so tired but still, that's not a "fun" game and it's just not cool.

so, i finally just started counting in a quiet calm voice to myself and by the time i was at 130 he was asleep.

i want to say thanks for all the great ideas. i actually printed stuff out from this thread to hang on the fridge and show my mate! i'm ordering books from the library and i'm going to do it differently. i love the, "i used to have a problem with..... but now i'm" idea, it makes a huge difference in how i view the issue.
post #80 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
This thread has been helping me keep my cool so much. I've actually started pretending that you ladies are here with me, watching how I'm handling things, and it works! (Hope no one thinks I'm nuts for doing this. )
i dont think you're nuts in fact 2 of the coping strategies that i took from Adventures in Gentle Discipline were 1. pretend there are other people around and 2. pretend it's someone else's kid

This thread is helping me immensely. My yelling has almost stopped. Even the past few days I have felt my voice raising and saying "HEY!" I catch myself before it escalates, remembering, Yelling will make it worse. My new mantra

I have the same mealtime issue too, my ds takes forever to eat. I usually say something when he starts getting down like are you done? Please take your plate to the kitchen. I have just started to leave the table when I'm done, go start the dishes, play with dd, but still talking to him if he's there eating. Today he got down and I just took his plate to the kitchen. A few minutes later he noticed and said I'm not done eating yet. I innocently said, oh I thought you were done because you were down playing. I gave it back to him and he stayed at the table til he was done.

Alternately I have just left his plate and let him go back to it. After a while of sitting untouched I'll take it away. I'll clean up what I can and go back to clean his place when he's done. I don't really want him to rush through his meal and I hate making an issue of it. I don't know why it's so irritating that he's so wiggly during mealtimes (he's wiggly all the time, really) and I know it's an unreasonable expectation for him to sit still and eat for 20 mins or whatever. Getting upset about it gives me indigestion and makes mealtime miserable for everyone.

Just to say I have no intention of making him eat everything on his plate. If he's full, or done or whatever, that's fine. He eats as much or as little as he wants.

I also have Playful Parenting and have yet to read it. It's next on the list. I also found a copy of How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk at my thrift store

I do find though that making things playful helps SO MUCH. Racing, making cleaning up a game (he tidied up the cars, I did the trains, I won hehehe) or trying to avoid power struggles is my main strategy. I gave my best friend that one, she was having a huge problem getting her ds to put his coat on when they were leaving the swimming pool. I told her next time, say to him, You don't want to put on your coat? OK, you can go outside with no coat. He might do it, but only once. :
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