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I am a new mama today. - Page 5

post #81 of 270
I am loving this thread! We have had a really good week. The silence technique is really working for me as well as just breaking the tension with some silliness. I have put myself into "time out" for a few minutes here and there. In the evening "the witching hours" (before/between dinner and bedtime) when things can easily get out of hand I have just started routinely turning on music and taking a few minutes to dance with them and we "shake the grumpies out" (or whatever emotion).
Then while they do silly dances and antics I am able to cook dinner etc. So far so good. I feel like I have been the mamma they need and the mamma I want to be this week. It's so nice to be able to come here and find support and reminders that are helping me parent in a better way.
post #82 of 270

Me as well...

Everyday, I hope to be a better mom when my challenging 3 year old comes home from pre-school cranky, tired and irritable...I have two older sons but feel disconnected from nourishing parenting methods and longing to reconnect to my GD roots for my DD and in preparation for the up and coming baby...Best of luck to everyone...Angela
post #83 of 270
I am noticing a lot of posts which state things like:
this thread is helping me so much, you are all in my back pocket...

I want to say about that: It helps so much just to admit that you aren't the best mama in the world but that you want to be.

Doesn't it?

This is why I think it is so important to do something concrete if you really want to stop for good. I honestly believe that yelling and threatening and even hitting (or maybe even thinking about it, or just being too rough) is an ADDICTION. The more you do it, the more you do it, the more you do it. And then, you can't remember how to parent without it.

So, you have to tell someone. You have to admit your big scary secret. When you do, you find that a lot of moms hold the same feelings inside. It is easier to parent with a witness, imo. How interesting that we can be virtual witnesses for each other.

Sometimes when things have hit the wall (oh, say there is honey on the floor and water from the dog dish has been used to wash a stuffed cat and someone just cut the phonebook into 50 billion pieces...), I think to myself:
"no one would handle this. This is unacceptable. They deserve punishment for this mess." So, I might call someone or if my dh is home, tell him. Just saying it helps me see the humor of it, then it is harder to yell or be mad.

For what its worth, I used to yell probably 25 times a day, even at the dog, or at myself. My language was atrocious. I would just get so mad and it would fill me up. I can not say I never lose my temper anymore, but I honestly do not do it more than once or twice a month (I bet you can guess what time of month that is...)

Only to say, it is a fight worth fighting. It really can be won.

Hipumpkins; Song I sing, from my time as a camp counsellor a long time ago. Did anyone sing this song?:

I'm going crazy, won't you come along, I'm going crazy, just singing this song. Oh, once I had a kitty cat and all he ate was yarn, and when those little kittens came, they came with mittens on ... I'm going crazy....

Also,

hit the road jack -- to get the boys moving.
don't cry for me argentina --- i don't know why, it just helps sometimes with the pity party of parenthood.
post #84 of 270
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post #85 of 270
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniey View Post
Did anyone sing this song?:

I'm going crazy, won't you come along, I'm going crazy, just singing this song. Oh, once I had a kitty cat and all he ate was yarn, and when those little kittens came, they came with mittens on ... I'm going crazy....
No, but I do sing (and I meant to post this yesterday but forgot):

I am going slowly crazy
Crazy slowly going am I


Repeat over and over until you don't feel so crazy anymore.
post #86 of 270
I've read lots of books on gentle discipline, but reading alone really didn't change my behavior. I liked the ideas in the books, but found them so hard to put into practice when I was in a difficult moment with my dd. I kept falling back on threats, bribes and sometimes yelling. Now and then I would really go into a rage, especially if dd woke up her baby brother. I even smacked her leg a couple of times.

I found out about the consensual living Yahoo group from a mama's post on here. (Wuwei) It took me a while to finally join it, but it has been the absolute best thing for me. The mamas (and some dads) on there are so supportive and helpful. I'm really looking at life differently after reading the emails from that group on a daily basis. I actually feel like I'm becoming a different person. I'm much more relaxed and can let things go more easily. I have more ideas for how to solve problems, but more importantly, I've come to believe that there truly *is* a better way for me to parent-with no threats, guilt, blame or bribes. Everything doesn't have to be a fight where dd or I come out the winner. We can find solutions together.

The most amazing thing is that I see it changing my dd. Not just her behavior, but her whole being. She is more relaxed and has a glow that was getting masked by my bad moods. I was bringing her down and now she's rising back up. Even my relationship with dh has gotten happier.

All this may sound goofy, but I'm incredulous at how much better things are now that I've gained a new perspective on life. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working on myself. I have a long way to go and I make mistakes (and always will.) It's still hard not to fall back on my old tactics.

CL may not be for everyone here, but keep your minds open. You really can change.
post #87 of 270
I'm a yeller...dd is only 6 months but I'd like to join for future times.
post #88 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniey View Post
I honestly believe that yelling and threatening and even hitting (or maybe even thinking about it, or just being too rough) is an ADDICTION. The more you do it, the more you do it, the more you do it.
oh my gosh!!! everything you say seems to resonate with me (i printed out your previous post) but this is especially true for me.

i remember being shocked, absolutely SHOCKED, the first time i grabbed my ds by his arm. i was appalled at my behaviour. i cried and apologized.

the next time it wasn't quite so shocking and i wasn't quite so appalled. i still promised i wouldn't do it again.

i think in total i've grabbed him by his arm and yelled at him probably five times. and each time it's been less disturbing. so, i'm really glad this thread exists and that i'm not alone. i kinda feel like i'm in AA

i also agree that it really helps to pretend that you all are in my home, listening and watching, yesterday was great! and today has been awesome too.

thanks.
post #89 of 270
Thread Starter 
Just have to toot my own horn for a second.

I have my 6-year-old niece here tonight in addition to my own kids, and I have been totally easygoing and fun! I don't think I've even raised my voice once. I'm even letting them wait until tomorrow to clean up the absolutely *gigantic* disaster zone that is my house right now.
post #90 of 270
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post #91 of 270
i need you ladies, so do my kids, 4 and 2yo ds's, 6mo dd.
i was so dissapointed in myself as a mom for so long, but i am getting better.

i find being playful is the best way for us all to have a good day. my kids mirror everything i do especially my emotions.

i hate the wining from my 2yo, especially around bedtime routine, tonight i felt like a good mommy when i found a way to brush his teeth without him screaming, i let him brush my teeth as i did his, he thought it was hilarious, and i got to do his molars

i have a long way to go, i yell, scowl, threaten, bribe, it's changing, thanks for this thread
post #92 of 270

Coincidence?

In the past week my kids have playing together like best friends. 2 peas in pod.
could this be the result of mommy calming down so the kids have calmed down?

We have had small non sharing incidents but they were over as quickly as they started with mommy remembering not to yell

Obviously I realize I have just jinxed myself

I also love the throwing the ball of anger away until smashes.
post #93 of 270
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
In the past week my kids have playing together like best friends. 2 peas in pod.
could this be the result of mommy calming down so the kids have calmed down?
Absolutely! I've noticed a big change for the better with my older two, as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
I also love the throwing the ball of anger away until smashes.
Me, too! I wish I could hear the sounds of glass breaking, though.
post #94 of 270
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post #95 of 270
ADDICTION - that rang so true for me. Things have been harder since baby 3 arrived. I used to find that if I was okay, we were all okay more or less. I'm finding it harder to make sure that I am okay and my sense of humour has gone on holiday for a while.
Things that are helpful for me:
early nights for a while (don't get to see DH much this way though)
going outside into the fresh air (generally all of us cause they all follow anyway don't they?)
having a cuddle with the most irritating of them
post #96 of 270
those are good suggestions. welcome to mdc chattymummy!
post #97 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayaMama View Post
oh my gosh!!! everything you say seems to resonate with me (i printed out your previous post) but this is especially true for me.
that was a really nice thing to say. thank you.
post #98 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post
I like it... should I remove the plate, or is that coercive? Meaning, like, when she gets down and takes off on a lap around the table (this is tough because she often claims she's getting down to come give us hugs and kisses... ) pick up the plate, and say "I will know that you're ready to join us for dinner when you sit at your place.".....?
i would take the plate (or rather, have) but if you are not comfortable doing that, then obviously don't. maybe before you all sit down remind her that you expect her to stay in her seat like the rest of the family. if she says she wants to give you kisses and hugs suggest she save them all up for after the meal?


so i have been having some good moments and some not so good moments. i have been extra irritable lately, and super super tired. i think i may be coming down with some bug, my kids have runny noses so i guess its coming. not that that's an excuse, but it makes it more challenging.

anyone care to share their thoughts on our bedtime problems? my boys HATE going up to their room to bed. and then there is the challenge of keeping them in the room while we try and get them ready for bed. its a bit better now they have started taking naps again, but like tonight they just kept laughing and running out of the room. finally i just lost it and told them this is how its going to be and you can deal with it. dh and i carried them in the room, jonas fell apart (though interestingly micah was fine and cooperative) and i just got them dressed and ready. normally we do a chart--i have laminated a piece of paper with boxes for all of the things they need to do before going to sleep--potty, diaper, undershirt, jammies, sleep sack, read books, and get into bed. its like a sticker chart, but the "stickers" are laminated pictures of the things corresponding to the boxes that stick on with velcro. anyway making that has helped some too, but not always. dh and i just dread bedtime. there is always some sort of protest, whether its screaming, crying, running away or all of the above. guh. do other kids have such a problem going to bed? no, we don't cosleep--tried that and no one sleeps well that way. they share a room. how can we make it something they like to do?
post #99 of 270
Quote:
Originally Posted by titania8 View Post
anyone care to share their thoughts on our bedtime problems? my boys HATE going up to their room to bed. and then there is the challenge of keeping them in the room while we try and get them ready for bed. [...] no, we don't cosleep--tried that and no one sleeps well that way. they share a room. how can we make it something they like to do?
My older dd loves to run around and be chased by us as we are trying to get ready for bed. One things that seems to work these days is to tell her that she has five minutes to "get her yayas out" and let her hop around on the bed, chase her on the bed, tickle her, let her twirl, make choo choo noises while walking circles, etc. She gets to hoot, holler and laugh, but then has to settle down to put on PJ's etc. This seems to gain some co-operation from her.

The other thing I do is act like a broken record. She protests and tries to argue why it ISN'T time to go to the potty or brush teeth, etc. I don't get caught up in the protest, I just empathise that she doesn't want to but do it anyway. I also say, "We do this every night. You have to brush your teeth every night, etc." Eventually she calms down and cooperates. One of the most freeing things for us has been for me to remain calm while she protests, and then gently insist that she does it anyway, without getting angry.

Sometimes I have to ask her, "What should you be doing....?" and also "Are you going to do "x" yourself or do I have to help you?" That often gets her going by herself.

Just some ideas. I hope some are helpful to you.

I am planning to put my two dd's together in one room. How do your boys share theirs? Separate beds? What does the room look like? Perhaps you could PM so we don't take up the list being OT. TIA
post #100 of 270
I need to join.

I just had a major meltdown because as I was downstairs trying to do some cleaning up my two were upstairs making a huge mess. They've been getting out all the toys lately at once resulting in at least an hour's worth of clean up time. It's such a mess they can't do it themselves, so I end up doing it. This takes away time I could be spending with them, etc. etc. The older one is complaining how come I never want to spend time with them because I'm always busy cleaning! Hmmmm. I'm cleaning up after YOU!! Stop making meses and we can spend time together instead of me cleaning up after you all the time!!

Anyway, I was so angry after a dozen times of this sort of mess that I lost it. I threw DD1 into her room (not very gently, either), and slammed the door. This made a decorative plate her great-grandmother (who died this past October) had given her fall off her wall and break. I can glue it, but it will always serve as a reminder of how I not only broke the plate but broke something in my DD. I feel awful. I'm ashamed. I feel like a horrible mother.

I notice I lose it when I feel helpless. No matter how I try to arrange my day so I have more time for my girls something happens to steal that time away. I don't know what to do. Eventually I lose my temper, yell, and feel awful.
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