if he doesn't stop begging, i'm going to lose my mind

[jackson'smama]

please tell me how to gently handle my 3 year old son's CONSTANT begging for a new toy every.single.minute.of.the.day. i am so tired of it, i don't know what to do. he had his first two tantrums the other day in two separate stores for different toys. right now it's an ambulance...the other day, a remote-controlled backhoe. it's just always something - it's like a drug. and as soon as he gets a toy, he's pretty much over it.
selling won't work (causes a tantrum), giving toys away won't work (causes a tantrum), saving money up won't work (he can't get the waiting thing). i casually mentioned a reward system to my dh involving stickers and ds just went and got a bunch of stickers, handed them to me and said "let's go buy the ambulance".
trying to put him off all day long is giving me a massive headache. please help!

[fritz]

Start by setting realistic expectations (for yourself and for him). Little kids are going to beg for things. The reason they don't stop begging is because sometimes it actually works. Every time you give in, you're reinforcing his begging.

You need to let your son know before you go shopping that you will not be buying him any toys or extras. Then, you have to follow through, no matter how obnoxious or annoying he gets. Every single time you go to a store. Once he realizes you're being consistent, his begging will taper off. Might not stop all together (kids can hope), but it should be drastically reduced.

There is no instant fix, though. It's his job to explore his world to figure out how things work. So far, he's figured out that sometimes when he begs, you buy him a new toy. Now he's continually repeating that experiment to see if the laws of his universe (as he knows them) are still in effect.

Good luck!

[abi&ben'smom]

You may have to deal with a few tantrums before he gets the message that you aren't really going to buy it. (My dd did this.) When she would see a toy that she wanted, (and I would only bring her with me if I absolutely had to--too much tempation for her) I would tell her, "you're right, that is a nice toy, let's put it on your birthday list!" After doing this about 100 times, she finally stopped getting mad that we weren't getting that toy that day.

[Daffodil]

I'd try to make it very clear ahead of time when there's actually some possibility that you will get him a toy and when there isn't. It would probably be easier for him if it weren't something you decided on a case-by-case basis in each store, but instead there was a clear rule - like, once a month (or once a week), you'll have a special trip just to buy a toy, and no toys will ever be bought at any other time. Or he can get one small toy whenever you go to a specific store, but no toys from any other stores. Then you can remind him before you leave the house, and again before you enter a store, that you won't be buying any toys that day. Once he stops expecting that he might get a toy, he should stop being so disappointed when he doesn't.

[Blueena]

I feel your pain, my son did it for a month or so and I had to endure him following me thru the ENTIRE Target store, screaming and throwing himself on the floor for some plastic boat. I said no firmly, and kept walking towards the exit. He had that same tantrum about 5 times until he finally figured out that I meant business and now I still remind him before we go in the store that we are buying x y and z and not toys, etc and he has never done it since (its been over a year).

Its also good to have a chat with him about it when its calm to explain to him that that sort of behavior is unacceptable and that every time he does it, he will lose a toy instead of getting one.

I have a friend who has three boys and she has three plastic bins, one with each name on it and when the boys misbehave, they "lose" a toy into the clear bin and they have to earn it back with good behavior, etc and it really puts it back in their hands and it has worked wonders. Good luck

[jake&zaxmom]

maybe you could redirect his obsession toward something creative instead of driving you crazy.

Try responding with,"Wow! That sure sounds like a cool ____________. Can you draw me a picture of it?"

or

"Hey! I have an idea! Why don't you use your blocks to build a hospital. Ambulances take sick people to a hospital."

in the car you could have him tell you about what he would do with the ambulance IF he had it.

I reckon that at best HE will get sick of the ambulance and lose interest before it is purchased. At worst, you still have to hear a lot about the "toy of the day" BUT at least it will be varied and interesting information.

[samuelsmom]

Honestly, we have just had to completely avoid the toy department on many occasions. Sometimes, if we have time, I'll tell the kids they can look at the toys for x amount of minutes, but we will not be buying anything today, but you can put toys on your list of things you would like. (We actually do write them down right then.) On other days when they're already asking to buy toys before we go in and we know we can't do it that day, we just give them two or three other items that they are responsible for finding in the store (not toys, of course) and we don't go to the toys at all. It's not fail-proof, but it has helped us a lot!

[CariS]

Wow that's a hard one. My 3 dd has her moments.

Actually - this isn't *funny* cuz I accidently made her cry but.... it was kinda funny. My husband drinks LOTS of coffee all the time. So dd was going through a thing where she was asking soooo often, "when I get big can I have coffee?" It was so often and I was just so tired one morning I told her to try it. I told her to smell it first thinking that would put her off. Nope. She drank it (the tiniest amount). She cried. She stopped asking!!!

So how does that translate to you? Maybe you can take him to see a ambulance. I like what other people suggested about drawing whatever it is he's asking for, or building it.

I also think you can do a lot by avoiding shopping wherever possible for a while. I would ask everyone around him to try to refrain from saying, "oh we're out of bread - we need to GET some." Ya know? I say this cuz I found my dd suggesting to go buy a new purple car (I think she saw one and liked it) and a bunch of other things. So I realized how OUR language is around her.

Also he may be just trying to engage you in conversation in his 3 yo way. I remember hearing this idea when my dd was going through that flippin "WHY?" stage that almost drove me to drink! They just want to talk. So kids love us to sing so maybe make it a routine to sing a particular song, or try storying telling - my dd loves that no matter how lame my story is.

Hope this helps! Keep us updated and let us know what works! I wanna know!

[jackson'smama]

thanks for all the suggestions! it's so funny...we tried the drawing thing already. we made it into a "let's draw it and put it on the fridge as your wish list"....said that when the time came to buy a new toy, we'd remember it and go get it together. the time would be when sufficient money was saved for a new toy (i am very torn about how much to talk about money to a 3yo. i mean, we have the money to go buy it now, but i want him to learn to save and also the meaning of patience and waiting for something you truly want. i also don't want him to worry that we don't have the money for necessities in life. the other day, he asked if we had the money to pay for the groceries in our cart . he was used to me saying, we don't have money saved for a toy yet i guess).
anyways.....the drawing on the fridge.....dh commented this morning about how that's gone by the wayside b/c the remote-controlled backhoe that was so important four days ago is long forgotten and was replaced by an ambulance complete with patient, wheelchair, and stretcher (i don't even know how he knows what a wheelchair and stretcher ARE!!!!). and today, that was trumped by a "tiny orange snowplow" at the farm supply store that he saw approximately 3 months ago and hasn't said a word about since then. he wants to go NOW. he doesn't care that the store isn't open!
i like the idea of setting up a system of THIS is when we buy a new toy (like once a month or something). but his concept of time is not there AND i feel like i'd hear "but it's so hard to wait" about 9,999,999,999,999,999 times a day.
the discipline part of this is so hard. i mean, there are times when i continually say no and he'll just come over and try to smack my leg or something. which makes me WANT to say, "fine, you'll never have the toy", but i know that's a) just my anger talking and b) only going to set us up for an even greater struggle.
sometimes at the end of the day, i'm just wanting to say PLEASE JUST SHUT UP FOR TWO SECONDS! between the whys and the begging i would just love a little silence .
thanks again!

[birdie22]

I couldn't read your post without responding. We are so there right now. With my ds it's not toys though, but other things. Two days ago it was a trip to the park, but the weather was not cooperating. Yesterday it was Raisin Bran, because we were out of it. He goes ON AND ON AND ON!

I've started saying "You already asked me that question. Do you remember what my answer was? ... My answer was yes for later. If you continue asking I am going to have to answer no."

He also begs for things that he is about to get; for example he'll ask again and again and again to go to Subway when he knows perfectly well we're on our way there.

About the millionth time he gives me that whiny "mom-meeeee" and I know what's coming next, I think I'm going to lose it.

[abi&ben'smom]

When talking to my ds about money, I tell them that we actually do have to money to buy it, but we are choosing to use it for food, gas, clothes, the future, etc. They didn't get it until I used specific examples like, "your favorite cereal, your new shirt, cousin's b-day present that you picked out, your money for popcorn day, toilet paper, cat food, etc." I try to use examples of things that they may not have thought about that they use every day.

[jackson'smama]

: dh bought him a backhoe at the farm supply store yesterday. this morning, he's already literally cried for another backhoe b/c this one isn't big enough.
i think dh's thinking was "well, we've put him off all week". and my thinking is, "yeah, and now ds knows that it takes approximately 5 days worth of whining to get something that you want."
and he STILL wants the easter bunny to bring him that crazy ambulance. i know he's gonna look at what he's got tomorrow and look up at us and say "he forgot the ambulance!".

i really liked the PP idea about selecting a day that a new toy will be acquired (maybe once per month) and put it on the calendar and point to it whenever he's begging. i'm gonna at least try it if i can get dh on board. he's so soft. he got everything he frickin' wanted as a child. i was helped by my parents to appreciate what i have. this is a struggle. and what's so hard is that it annoys dh to no end and he gets ticked and yells and sits down with ds to cool off and collect their thoughts together (our time "in"). and i'm like "if you don't want it to keep up, you've got to STOP BUYING TOYS every time you go to town! or anything for that matter...happy meal? sure....milk shake? alrighty then! it makes it very hard for me the five days a week that i'm with him by myself all day while dh is at work.
thanks for letting me vent!

[LilyGrace]

I keep a notebook in my purse. My first comment, if it's a true want and not just a "hey, that's cool!" type moment, is let's put it on your list! The want is still there, it's still taken seriously, but it's on the list to be put off for a gift giving day. When that day comes closer, there's always the fun of paring down the list to a few really wanted items.

We also talk a lot about the environment, and how we do our best to keep from spending needlessly or acquiring too much stuff. There are 18 toy cubbies in the house, perfect for 18 sets of toys. More than that and the room starts getting messy.

And a shopping list always helps, too. If the rule is we're getting just what is on the list, then it seems to be easier to quell the tears. A treat goes on the list sometimes, just like carrots do. Your ds is old enough now to take a small part in the grocery shopping/errand shopping and he might be able to redirect his thrill that way. Putting 5-10 items on a small picture list and giving him a basket might keep him involved and thinking less about the toys or personal purchases.