How to support DH and still build my dream

[PiscesMama24]

Hi there! I've posted recently about my desire to move into my parent's in-law unit in order to save money and "move up." Dh, however, is having an EXTREMELY difficult time with the idea of leaving his childhood home (memories, trees that he planted himself, etc.) When we talk about it, he gets really depressed and even when I suggest that maybe we'll be able to buy the house back from his dad after we've saved up the money for a down payment, he says that the only way he can deal with it is by thinking he's losing everything he's worked so hard for. He says it's easier for him that way.

I can't bear to do this to him! At the same time, I want to be building a life for our family (paying our own mortgage instead of rent to his dad, searching for a home that I feel is truly "mine", etc.)

Does anyone have any experience with dealing with loss in this way? Or helping a loved one deal with this type of loss? It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes because I've never felt very attached to any place I've lived (I moved around a lot) although I can empathize. Plus, while I understand the memories that this house holds for DH, I can't help but think that the memories will still be there, the house is just an object.

Ugh! We're both so stressed over this situation! Can anyone offer any insights? TIA!!!

[PiscesMama24]

*bump*

[Mama Rana]

I want to clarify my understanding before responding, because I haven't seen your other posts: You're currently renting your DH's childhood home from his parents/father? But you could rent the in-law unit at your parents' house for less, allowing you to save up for a down payment on a house of your own? What would your FIL do with the house if you all stopped renting it? For example, would he sell or find new renters?

[PiscesMama24]

Yep...you're right on If we didn't rent this house from my FIL, he would most likely rent it out...if he tried to sell it right now he'd probably end up losing money. Thanks for clarifying!

Here's a link to my other post

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=865919

[Mama Rana]

Hmmm, ok, well that does clarify things a bit, and also confounds them. My first suggestion was going to be a renegotiation with your FIL, but it sounds like that isn't possible. Perhaps you could hire a photographer to take some nice photos of his favorite parts? It would be a splurge, but would certainly be less than investing in a house with a faulty foundation.

My other vague, non-coalescent thought has something to do with the time I visited my childhood home. It was the same, but SO different. And part of that is that the new owners had made changes, but also that memory is skewed. But again, I can't seem to put that into a clear statement that may help you with your DH.

Finally, maybe you could somehow get him to think of the balance of angst surrounding leaving the house and the angst of renting from his father. It sounds like there are some issues there (FIL insolvency, and future needs, maintenance issues, boundary issues, etc.) that are concrete, vs his emotional issues which are just as real, but have less of an impact on day to day living, iykwim. You also mentioned that he feels like he's losing everything he's worked for, but--and I know this is going to sound cold--what does he really have to show for his hard work at this point? A house with foundation issues that he doesn't own and is bleeding his family dry financially? [maybe I exaggerate] Just a thought....

Good luck!

[texmati]

I am very much like your DH. It was very difficult for me to move out of my childhood home.

But it is like ripping off a bandaid... Once you buy a new place, and fall in love with it, it won't seem so horrible to have left. You'll still have the fond memories. And starting over in a new place of your OWN is a wonderful feeling. I respect my DH alot. If I were you, I would ask him to please give you a few years. Maybe 3? If he still wants to move into his Dad's place after that, perhaps you could revisit it then.