help I am so upset I cant breath

[luvmy2grls]

My husband and I came to an agreement not to circ if we ever had a boy back before I even considered having a 3rd baby. It is a very very important issue to me, I am BEYOND seriously opposed to RIC and I think it should be illegal.

Well things are fine, he agrees with me, we get pregnant, we find out we are having a boy things are fine, we still are in agreement.. we even made a comment right after finding out like "dont worry we wont mutilate your manly bits"

Well hubs has a mom who interferes and he is easily influenced by everyone but me it seems.. (you should hear us trying to pick names, cause as soon as his mom hears one we like she puts in her two cents and refuses to call our child that if she doesnt like it)

anyways last night he starts researching Circ on me and sending me email links (all which pretty much for the most part back me up.)

but I ask why is he suddenly all worried and researching, I thought we made our desision (he was at his moms when he was emailing me)

he goes, well I am looking into it a bit more.

this morning from work he starts emailing me all these lame things... "Matt at work says circing is cleaner" "these girls he knows say that they like circed men better"

I keep saying that everyone has their personal preferance and that the cleaner thing is a big myth.

this is the last thing I need augh. I do not need to have to change his mind back with a time frame.. I sent him the graphic circ video.. he said he couldnt watch it.. but still felt the need to ask these lame questions about it being cleaner and girls liking it better cut.

he said "I know we arent doing it but what do I tell him when he asks why he doesnt look like me."

I told him that he can tell him that people know more now than they did when you were born. (I bet that is what his mom started saying to him last night that started all of this.. I think she is worried we are going to make her look bad for choosing to circ him which I never would do I mean back then that was just what they did I know.

help me with links that give him tons of info and basically say there are no benifits to circing at all, cause he keeps asking "well are there any disadvantages to not doing it?"

[Ruthla]

It sounds like he needs to set some major boundaries with his mom. Like, maybe not discuss names with her until after the birth certificate is filled out?

[Ophelia]

DH wanted DS circ'd, used the usual locker room excuses. It took me months to get the nerve up, but just last weekend I read him the Case Against Circumcision article and he really seemed to get it. I was so relieved (DS is not circ'd but I had a feeling DH was not happy about it). So I understand that even though you are not doing it, it is still important for your DH to really understand WHY.

I feel the exact same as you, it should be illegal to do that to an unconsenting person (or a coerced teen/adult). And yeah, the mom needs to keep her nose out of it! Easier said than done, I know. Every time she mentions it, ask her who's penis is it? Maybe she'll get sick of you saying that and finally drop the subject.

I really like these articles:

http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...cumcision.html

[onlyboys]

I think he may be just second guessing, which is normal when you venture into anything new and different. That said, my stomach dropped as I read your post, so I know you must be feeling terrible about this. I actually think it's good that he's researching because making this decision after having watched a circ, and reading about the procedure can really set your mind at ease afterward.

As to what you tell him when he asks why he doesn't look like daddy, assuming he does, is the truth. I see nothing wrong with telling sons who look different from their dad that there is a procedure, etc. etc. etc.

I can't think of a single disadvantage to not circing. None at all.

[LavenderMae]

www.cirp.org has good info. But ask him if there were any disadvantages to leaving your daughter's intac? Leaving children with all their normal and healthy parts is the default and there needs to be a damn good reason to remove them and barring a true medical reason there are no good reasons.

[glongley]

I don't think you should to have to re-negotiate this with him all over. His arguments are all weak, and uninformed. He's wavering at the last minute, perhaps understandably, given the worries of doing something Unknown, and perhaps his mother's pressures. But he will get over it. Stand firm on your agreement, and your maternal right to protect your child.

I think he does need to be educated enough, though, to really buy in to leaving your son intact, so he will truly support him in that. I think knowing about the value of the foreskin (how it functions) will help him realize he really is doing the best for his son. Most people don't know much about this at all. Check out, for example:

http://www.cirp.org/library/sex_function/
http://www.coloradonocirc.org/files/...d_Function.pdf
http://www.coloradonocirc.org/files/...Physiology.pdf

Also, if he weren't willing to watch the circ video, so that he really knows what he'd be putting his son through, he wouldn't get a say, in my opinion. Has he researched circumcision complications?

Congratulations on your little guy!

Gillian

[luvmy2grls]

Originally Posted by glongley

I don't think you should to have to re-negotiate this with him all over. His arguments are all weak, and uninformed. He's wavering at the last minute, perhaps understandably, given the worries of doing something Unknown, and perhaps his mother's pressures. But he will get over it. Stand firm on your agreement, and your maternal right to protect your child.

I think he does need to be educated enough, though, to really buy in to leaving your son intact, so he will truly support him in that. I think knowing about the value of the foreskin (how it functions) will help him realize he really is doing the best for his son. Most people don't know much about this at all. Check out, for example:

http://www.cirp.org/library/sex_function/
http://www.coloradonocirc.org/files/...d_Function.pdf
http://www.coloradonocirc.org/files/...Physiology.pdf

Also, if he weren't willing to watch the circ video, so that he really knows what he'd be putting his son through, he wouldn't get a say, in my opinion. Has he researched circumcision complications?

Congratulations on your little guy!

Gillian

thanks! I have to admitt though I cant watch the circ video either, I get to where they are tearing the forsking away from the head and I hear those screams and I have to turn it off. so I cant blame him for not being able to watch.

The problem with DH and his parents is he is very spoiled (they always just spoiled the heck out of him, bail him out when ever he is short on cash, when he was a smoker they bought his ciggerates, they buy him frivalous things even now all the time, he will come home with a new computer game that his mom or dad picked up for him ect...) So I think he feels like he his obligated to discuss these things with them or something... he also thinks they are great (mamas boy complex) I suggest not telling them names we consider and our not wanting to circ our son, and our delayed vaxes, and our breastfeeding this baby to toddlerhood ect.. but I think they bring it up (mostly his mom) cause she knows I am a bit crunchy.. the weird thing is she is so supportive of my homebirth, but she "certainly hopes, I will ween this baby by 6 months because anything longer is over the top" she gave me a hard time when I gave in and got epidurals with my girls (I didnt know about hypnobabies then lol) She always talks about how her labors were so relaxing and enjoyable and how her babies just fell out. we cant all be that lucky so before we find out about hypnobabies it is easy to cave under the pain. (she told me that my epidural gave me no right to be against circ:

I think he might be ok. I sent him the case against circ article.. he hasnt responded yet as he is at work. (wed night he has school after work and then sleeps at his parents cause they live right near the school which is an hr and a half train ride from our house so that is why he was there and then went back to work)

I wish he wouldnt bring these things up onthe internet with me cause I have no idea what he is thinking.. then I call him but his whole family is right there, and I cant really get info out of him.

so it might not even get discussed till tonight or even tomarrow night if he is stuck there late again tonight.

It is the "omg is he thinking of changing his mind?" that is getting to me so much.

[InDaPhunk]

This is all part of the process, IMO. Let him question you- you don't want him blindly accepting what you say any more than you want him blindly accepting what mom or co workers say, right? If DH is circed then he has a process he has to go through to be able to accept this. Some men complete the process quickly, others take longer. This is for you, not DH:

http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/v...ty_of_men.html

He's worried he's going to "mess up" his kid. It's that simple. Keep discussing, keep reassuring him, keep talking about the issue, keep him reading, cover all bases so that when you leave DS intact DH will feel good about it and have no worries.

You are right, the co workers etc are wrong. The science supports your position, not theirs. Have confidence in this and try not to panic when he questions things, though I know it's nervewracking and irritating and everything else. If he says "we're going to do it" then panic .

The thing with his mom is an entirely different can of worms. Oh boy!

GL in your labor and congrats!

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by luvmy2grls

help me with links that give him tons of info and basically say there are no benifits to circing at all, cause he keeps asking "well are there any disadvantages to not doing it?"

I have very good info that I nicely put together after 2+ years of research. It will do it, I'm sure! PM me your email.

[nd_deadhead]

Why doesn't Junior's penis look different from Daddy's? Because, compared to Junior's, Daddy's penis is HUGE, and has HAIR! These are the things that young boys notice.

My twin boys were 8 years old when they learned about circumcision. At that point we told them that theyr Dad was circumcised. They had noticed that their Dad's glans was always exposed, but since they could retract their own foreskins and expose their glans, they simply assumed that their Dad kept his foreskin pulled back all the time. It never EVER occured to them that his foreskin had been cut off, and they were horrified when they learned that it had.

They feel sorry for their Dad, and are grateful that we never considered cutting off their foreskins. As they get older, they feel even more strongly.

Meanwhile, they are in 8th grade, and have no idea if their friends (with whom they have sleepovers and go camping) are circumcised or not, because they don't look at each other's genitals.

[nd_deadhead]

Originally Posted by luvmy2grls

help me with links that give him tons of info and basically say there are no benifits to circing at all, cause he keeps asking "well are there any disadvantages to not doing it?"

The logica question is not "why shouldn't we circumcise our son?", but "why should we?" The foreskin is standard equipment - we don't have to justify keeping it, but we'd better have a pretty arn good reason before amputating it.

Ask him if there are any benefits to NOT cutting off your earlobes or little toes. Unless one is conditioned to thinking about circumcision as "normal", the idea of lopping off a normal, healthy foreskin is as bizarre as the idea of lopping off a normal, healthy toe.

A foreskin CAN have problems, just like any other part of the body. A toe can develop hangnails, ingrown toenails, athlete's foot, fungus, or might get crushed or broken. How many of us have stubbed a toe? It wouldn't have happened if our parents had been kind enough to cut that toe off when we were born.

Virtually all foreskin problems can be cured without surgery. Would you treat an ingrown toenail with surgery? Would you cut off toes to prevent an ingrown toenail, even though most toes never get them?

[Fyrestorm]

You could prove the look like dad thing by getting your hubby a little kit:

Include a piece of fake fur do ds can have pubic hair and an ice pack so DH can shrink his parts down to a more 'like' size, some fake tattoos and earrings for the babe in case you DH has any, maybe a bald wig for the babe or a cheap hair piece for hubby, a contact lense coupon so their eyes can match and maybe some hair color...he'll get the point.

[luvmy2grls]

lol I just told him

"why are we discussing this anyways? we surely cant even afford a circumcision, it is not covered by insurance cause it is considered cosmetic surgery"

we are so tight on money and we need new car seats, and diapers ect so I think that one could have big impact sadly lol

[luvmy2grls]

Originally Posted by Fyrestorm

You could prove the look like dad thing by getting your hubby a little kit:

Include a piece of fake fur do ds can have pubic hair and an ice pack so DH can shrink his parts down to a more 'like' size, some fake tattoos and earrings for the babe in case you DH has any, maybe a bald wig for the babe or a cheap hair piece for hubby, a contact lense coupon so their eyes can match and maybe some hair color...he'll get the point.

I know I already months and months ago told him that by the time he is even old enough to look like his dad, he wont want to anyways.

he is going to be a lot smaller for a long time and a lot less hairy. he knows.

[kldliam]

luvmy2girls: help me with links that give him tons of info and basically say there are no benifits to circing at all, cause he keeps asking "well are there any disadvantages to not doing it?"

I am sorry your hubby is suffering over your very intelligent decision to not fix what isn't broken. He should ask that question to the hundreds of moms that come through here, all torn up, about their son's circ adhessions. I swear I have heard more circ adhession stories than I can stand. Then.... the inevitable trips to the doctors so that they can be ripped open again and again and again. Who has to suffer the most here? Dad? I think NOT!

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by luvmy2grls

"why are we discussing this anyways? we surely cant even afford a circumcision..."

I wouldn't even go there with the argument. MIL will probably jump at the chance to pay for it once DH tells her.

[trmpetplaya]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

Why doesn't Junior's penis look different from Daddy's? Because, compared to Junior's, Daddy's penis is HUGE, and has HAIR! These are the things that young boys notice.

My twin boys were 8 years old when they learned about circumcision. At that point we told them that theyr Dad was circumcised. They had noticed that their Dad's glans was always exposed, but since they could retract their own foreskins and expose their glans, they simply assumed that their Dad kept his foreskin pulled back all the time. It never EVER occured to them that his foreskin had been cut off, and they were horrified when they learned that it had.

They feel sorry for their Dad, and are grateful that we never considered cutting off their foreskins. As they get older, they feel even more strongly.

I can attest to this as well! My dh is intact and my FIL is circumcised. This is *exactly* what he thought and felt, all the way down to noticing the size and hair and assuming that his father just wore his foreskin pulled back all the time. He is still very grateful that his penis has all its bits (as am I).

love and peace.

[luvmy2grls]

I got a long Email about it from him, yes it was his parents, but to our suprise, his mom agrees with me, she said times have changed and they know more now.

But his dad is VERY upset that we dont want it done, because he is and his sons are and he feels his grandson should be... I told Keith that he is not to discuss these things with his parents and that while I like his dad (which I really do) I will not compromise my strong beliefs on this subject just to make him happy, he had nothing to do with making this baby so he gets no say.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by luvmy2grls

"these girls he knows say that they like circed men better"

Seriously? That is his concern? He would have surgery on his son's penis because "these girls he knows say that they like circed men better"? I'm sorry, but that is just a ridiculous argument.

What about all the women, worldwide, who like intact men better? (although he probably doesn't know them )

What about what your ds would like better?

Tell him to stop listening to "these girls he knows", and listen more to the mother of his child.

[Fyrestorm]

Well, then foreskin truly is a shallow woman repellent. I personally consider that a good thing!!