3 yo obsessions? Pls help!

[freeflykami]

Hey All,
My DD is just over 3 yo and for the past 4-5 months she has started getting her mind wraped around things and cannot get over them. She gets extremly upset by them, and I just can't figure out the best way to help her with this.
example from yesturday:
"Mommy, I want to get a haircut"
"Ok, we can do that this weekend"
"No! No! I dont want to get a haircut!"
"Ok, we wont get your haircut"
"No Haircut!"
"Ok, no haircut."
starts crying "no, haircut"
"lets talk about something else, what did you do at school today?"
"No, haircut!" Screaming and crying now.

This keeps going for 20 min. or longer. I have tried to distract her, play a game, talk about something else. I even ask her "what did I just say about "x" and she will tell me. "you said, no haircut" but she cannot stop. Even after I think the episode is over, 5 or 10 min. will go by and she will start screaming about the same thing again. Subjects have a wide range, the movies, ponytails, snacks, clothes she doesn't want to wear, going to a birthday party (even when the answer is yes)...

We have at least one of these episodes a day, but they seem to be getting worse. I realy don't know what else to try, I realy want to help her.
Kami

[Nicks Mom]

Ds is 3 and we've had something similar - for instance, he says he wants to go outside. I say he can, but I just want him to leave the door open. He starts crying, I ask him why he's crying, he says it's because he wants to go outside, I tell him that I said YES, he CAN go outside, just to leave the door open - more crying, I explain it again, finally he's ok. For us, I think it's a communication problem. I'm saying things that make sense to me, but not to his 3yo brain. He is pretty bright, but it's tough being 3.

[twilight girl]

I would agree with communication problem. It's hard to express yourself at three y.o.!

[Loki]

Nothing too helpful to say other than I vividly remember this stage with my now 4.5yo - it was utterly maddening. I found no real solution for it, other than patience. He did stop doing it at some point (or I would be by now) so I chalked it up to a 3-yo developmental thing.

[freeflykami]

Thanks! I'm glad that others have made it through!
She is very smart, sometimes I think that that doesn't help.
My husband and Mother seem to think there is something mentaly wrong with her... my mom even flippingly suggested she needed anti-depressents!!! No way would I even consider that!

[JRose]

Oh we have so been there! Your DD doesn't need antidepressants, she just needs a caring loved one to listen to her and it sounds like she has that in you!! My DS has done similar things and I just try and be as patient and open to listening as I can.

I did have one very frustrating time in the car where essentially he was arguing with me when I wasn't arguing back. We kept going back and forth and he was very upset and after 15 minutes so was I. (No one likes to feel like they aren't being heard) Finally I just had to say Mama is going to stop talking now and I had to let him rage on in the back for a bit while I said nothing. Fortunately we were just a few minutes from home and getting out of the car ended his obsession and he moved onto something else.

So not much advice here, but I think (knock on wood) we might already be moving beyond this. She may just be making some mental developmental leaps that are affecting her communication with others. I know there has been times when DS understands more and makes some sort of leap but then that brings its own confusion...if that makes sense. It's like he now is aware of so many more things he doesn't fully understand and his brain has to work through that.

Good luck!

[JRose]

Originally Posted by freeflykami

She is very smart, sometimes I think that that doesn't help.

Oh I forgot to add that having a little genius around has its own set of challenges. I am positive that is our problem. Our kids are just advanced!!

[Embee]

Yes, these kinds of confounding conversations started at age 3 and at 7, we still have them occasionally. They are so hard to deal with but what I realized is that in changing my "initial response" it can help A LOT!

Kid: I want to get a haircut

Me: Oh, you been thinking about a haircut, huh?

By just validating the idea rather than "making it so" right away it gives my DS a moment to think and then talk it through. With DS, I get the impression that he's just thinking out loud and by accomodating right away I throw him into a tail spin of feeling pushed into something he was merely "thinking about." I set off a kind of panic.

Often times (when I remember to validate rather than "making it so), he will say something like, "Well, it's something I'm just thinking about." At that point, I drop it. If he's serious, he'll let me know and then...

If the conversation goes on (using the haircut example) and I think he's feeling pretty serious about it I might ASK, "would you like to get it cut soon, like this weekend or would you like to wait?"

With DS the other situation that arrises is that he's truly looking to create a power struggle, something he can use to have a meltdown. Sounds a little nutty, but it happens. If he has some tension building and there isn't an immediate situation, he will create one, let off some steam and then move on. I've done some reading and it turns out, this is normal so... I just do my best to stay patient, let him vent and move on too.

The best and hang in there! Those are such maddening conversations, ack!

Em

[freeflykami]

Originally Posted by Embee

Kid: I want to get a haircut

Me: Oh, you been thinking about a haircut, huh?

Em

Now that is a great idea!!! I will be trying that!
Thanks!
BTW, I love your location lol

[Embee]

Originally Posted by freeflykami

Now that is a great idea!!! I will be trying that!
Thanks!
BTW, I love your location lol

It's worked wonders for us... hope it does for you too!

Good luck!
Em