Why does my three year old HIT us??

[celia]

The title says it all. We don't hit her. Not once. Not ever. I would imagine some of the other kids at her daycare hit but... is this just an instinctual response to anger or frustration? and how do we get her to stop??

[Sylith]

Don't worry, hitting is really age-appropriate behavior for a 3-year-old. Many (I'd guess most) kids go through some kind of hitting phase.

I bet you'd find better help in the Gentle Discipline forum about how to handle it, but IMO the main thing is just to take a stand that it is Not Okay. If you can catch her hands and stop her before she hits, that's good. And every time, you should be saying "We don't hit" or whatever similar phrase you choose, in an authoritative kind of voice.

Also, at times when she is relaxed and connected to you, you can start talking about other ways to manage frustration/anger.

[annethcz]

Originally Posted by celia

is this just an instinctual response to anger or frustration? and how do we get her to stop??

Yes, I think it is an instinctual response to anger/frustration. All of my kids have gone through a hitting phase. Actually, even my eldest child (age 8) will hit his siblings occasionally, although it's been years since he's hit a parent.

I think you just need to be consistent in teaching your child that hitting is not appropriate. It will probably take a long time to learn (the same way that it takes a long time to learn other control behaviors) but it does come eventually.

[MarineWife]

Yes, very normal for that age. My 4yo still does it, although mostly directed at his baby brother. I talk a lot about telling me how he feels. I try to name and validate his feelings when he feels like hitting, shows signs of hitting or does hit. "You're very angry about ..." "It's so frustrating when such and such happens." I give him alternatives to hitting people, like hitting a pillow. He has never taken me up on that offer, though. Then I try to tend to whatever it is that's making him so angry or upset rather than being judgemental about the feelings or punishing him for them.

I wouldn't say something like, "We don't hit," because people do. He did, didn't he? I would rephrase it to something like, "I don't like to be hit. It hurts me. I will not allow other people to hurt me."

An example from dealing with the baby brother. He used to kick or push or hit first. After lots of talking and showing him that I will follow through with what I say, he tells me when he is about to hit or kick baby so that I will move the baby.

[Sylith]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

I wouldn't say something like, "We don't hit," because people do. He did, didn't he? I would rephrase it to something like, "I don't like to be hit. It hurts me. I will not allow other people to hurt me."

I think this must be a YMMV type of thing. I found that I needed a very short, simple phrase to stand any chance of being heard when my son was already raging. "We don't hit" is really shorthand for "In our family, the rule is that we don't hit each other." It's similar to the way I might say to my younger child, "We hold hands in the parking lot," after he wriggles away from me. Obviously not everyone is in compliance with this rule, but we, our family, still has the rule.

[mamabeca]

I also have a 3yo who hits. I use the phrase "Hitting is not ok" because that rings true to me. It's NOT ok to hit - for me to hit, for him to hit, for a man to hit his wife, etc. It's NOT ok. Then I reinforce it with "It hurts when someone hits. It hurts when we get hit. Hitting is never ok." It's helped a lot.

Validating his feelings, giving him words for his feelings, those are really important ways to help children GET their role in owning their feelings and behavior. In sme ways, it's the same as when they were infants and they struck out in an attempt to FEEL what is out there. This has a different intention (communication, rather than information) but it's the same idea. If a child needs to go through this phase to learn, then they need to go through it - what they learn coming out the other end is important for their personal development.

bless us all, may it be short.

hth.

[Dabble]

This article is simply the best ever at answering this very question. I have such a better understanding of my own toddler's motivations for doing the things he does, and why it is so important that my reactions be consistent.

Good luck mama!

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Sylith

I think this must be a YMMV type of thing.

What is YMMV?

[Sylith]

Your Mileage May Vary. Sort of slang for, what works for you/your family might not be quite right for mine.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Sylith

Your Mileage May Vary. Sort of slang for, what works for you/your family might not be quite right for mine.

Haha! That's how it is with everything, isn't it?