Why does she lose it when she has to go potty?

[LynnS6]

So, I'm figuring out a pattern with dd that has me truly baffled.

Often when she has to go to the bathroom, she'll suddenly get very cranky and demanding. This morning it was when she came upstairs from watching TV, she suddenly started sobbing and whining, and it wasn't until I left for work that I realized she needed to pee. She even does this at night - she'll thrash around, get very grumpy (I'm convinced she's mostly asleep) and demanding (wanting my arm around her, not around her, covers on, covers off...). If she wakes up enough to go to the bathroom, she'll come back and be in a deep sleep in 30 seconds or less.

Is this as weird as I think it is? She doesn't pee frequently (maybe 4-5 times a day, depending on how much she's drunk that day).

The problem is that when she gets like this, she refuses to go to the bathroom. Since 'forcing' a child to go clearly isn't going to work (not that I'd want to anyway), what do I do? Why does she do this? :

[fyoosh]

I honestly don't know, but I will be watching this thread because my son used to do the EXACT SAME THING (still does very occasionally in the middle of the night). "Honey, just go potty" doesn't seem to work.

Maybe having a full bladder is a discomfort that they aren't interpreting correctly or something?

[AdInAZ]

My dd gets like this too. She is almost 6 and still will run around like a banshee right before she decides to use the bathroom. Maybe she is so involved in what she is doing that she gets a little wild in order to "fit it all in" before she breaks to use the bathroom.

[sunnmama]

Yeah, my dd has been like this since potty-learning. She is 7, and still acts this way . I think a lot of it has to do with not recognizing early urges, and then suddenly having very uncomfortable urges. My dd also urinates only a few times a day, despite drinking a lot of water.

What helped is to find a way to suggest the potty, without actually telling her to use the potty (control issues, anyone? ). When we were out, I would say to her "Just wanted to let you know, the potty is right down that hall if you need it." At home, I would usually delay something until after she used the potty ("sure, we'll read that book right after you use the potty.")

[teachma]

My daughter is totally this way, too...but only for pooping, not peeing. She does withhold urine as well (to say she pees 5x a day would be A LOT) but that doesn't usually make her cranky. With pooping, she becomes very clingy and emotional and that's often how we know that it's time to suggest a potty visit. Sometimes, she goes without incident, but often we get the crying, clingy thing first.

We still play "games" with her to get her to go pee...I'll bet I can get to the bathroom and sit on the potty before you can. And if I get there first, you may not sit on my lap. And then I jog to the bathroom, allowing her to beat me, of course. I know that urine withholding is often an anxiety thing-- I learned that one well from my older son, who later developed the flip side of that problem and began to pee compulsively. My guess, Lynn, is that your daughter is fighting because she wants to "hold it" for some reason, but she's feeling physically uncomfortable in the process, and it's the discomfort-- and realization that she's gonna have to go eventually-- that upsets her. I know you don't ordinarily describe her as an anxious child...how new is this behavior?

[laoxinat]

I think it's a control issue. It's one of the few things kiddos know they have control over, KWIM? And if they are like MY DS they NEED to control at least some things in their life.

[asaunders]

I wish I knew the answer, too - my DD (recently turned 4) does the same thing and has been like this since she's been out of diapers. Unfortunately, no real help for you, just lots of sympathy. It's so frustrating because we all KNOW what's up, and yet she will tell us she doesn't need to go until she's blue in the face if we mention it at all to her - we try to be casual and low-key about it; it's not like we're threatening or forcing her. But she gets sooo mad most of the time if we ask her if she needs to go or even joke around about it to her and emphatically denies it...and then 5 seconds later she'll say she needs to go - but only because it was HER idea We totally understand it's a control issue...it's just still really annoying how stubborn she is about it, though! We wonder how long it will be before she outgrows this and are a little worried about how she will handle things when she goes to school next year if it keeps up. We try to say things like, 'See how much better you feel now!' after she goes, thinking it'll all make sense to her that if holding it makes her uncomfortable/unhappy that she should just go when she needs to, but it hasn't clicked yet for some reason. Yeah, 4-5 times would be a lot for her to pee in a day, too - it's usually more like 3 because she can hold it for so long (I used to worry a lot about bladder infections when she used to hold it even longer, when she first started using the toilet, but it hasn't luckily been an issue.) She's verrrrry high needs, too, and a perfectionist, so this just kind of goes with everything else.

Hmm, OP, don't you and and at least one of the PPs (teachma) hang out on the Gifted boards? (I visit frequently, but haven't posted yet) Might be some sort of connection ...

[fyoosh]

Originally Posted by asaunders

Hmm, OP, don't you and and at least one of the PPs (teachma) hang out on the Gifted boards? (I visit frequently, but haven't posted yet) Might be some sort of connection ...

Interesting... I don't think I have been on the gifted boards (maybe I should check them out!), but my son was just recently tested highly gifted. Maybe there *is* a connection. Weird!

[4evermom]

My ds does the same thing. I just figure he's uncomfortable so he starts acting out and eventually realizes it's an easily solved issue.

It's worse at night because he doesn't want to get out of the warm covers and traipse to the bathroom so he tries to postpone it.

[want2bmoms]

Ummmm.... I do that. I have trouble processing sensation, do I don't know I have to go until I have to GO NOW!!!! I realize I am feeling grumpy and touchy and just BLAH and like five minutes later I'll just up and RUN to the bathroom because I have realized that my bladder is gonna empty NOW and I prefer it to be in the toilet.
I think a lot of toddlers have the same trouble. Because they are used to going where they are in their diaper, the "I have to pee/poo" sensation is new, uncomfortable, and irritating. But they can't recognise it yet. : just my best guess.

[DaughterOfKali]

My son acts that way, too. It's frustrating. Sometimes he'll even run back and forth frantically. That's the sign that if he doesn't go to the bathroom immediately, he's going to wet his pants.
Unfortunately, his teachers don't usually catch it in time. Even though I've showed them over and over again what to look for.

[LynnS6]

Wow! You have no idea how much better this makes me feel to know that she's not the only "weirdo" on the block (sorry want2bmoms)! Right down to the "it has to be her idea" or she won't go aspect!

Upon reflection, I think it is sensory related. Ds has sensory processing disorder, and while I don't think dd has the disorder, she is a bit of a sensory seeker. The first thing that happens when she gets home or to daycare is that her shoes and socks come off. We are currently missing FIVE pairs of sock that she's lost at daycare! : She's happiest naked and jumping off of things!

It might be related to giftedness in that she is prone to the "overexcitabilities" that are sometimes go with that. She's gifted, not profoundly so, as far as I can tell. She IS highly sensitive, but not anxious. It's been going on ever since she potty trained, so it's not a new behavior. It's just that I finally connected the dots! I think it's more control issue or not wanting to stop doing what she's doing.

She's like this for both bladder and for hunger. Both she and dh can go hours and hours without eating or even thinking of eating.

Hmmm... I'll have to go back to my sensory processing books and see how they work on kids who need help recognizing sensations. (Ds was a sensory avoider, so it's a whole new way of thinking for me.)

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by teachma

I know that urine withholding is often an anxiety thing-- I learned that one well from my older son, who later developed the flip side of that problem and began to pee compulsively. My guess, Lynn, is that your daughter is fighting because she wants to "hold it" for some reason, but she's feeling physically uncomfortable in the process, and it's the discomfort-- and realization that she's gonna have to go eventually-- that upsets her. I know you don't ordinarily describe her as an anxious child...how new is this behavior?

How the heck did you get my kids? Ds is just getting over the compulsive peeing thing! He'd have to go every 15 minutes whenever we were out somewhere!

[freeflykami]

Originally Posted by teachma

I know that urine withholding is often an anxiety thing--

Wow! I am so glad I read this! I am having another anxiety problem with my daughter, I didn't realize that this could be a sign also! She will only go like 3 times a day! I have alway thought she needs to go more, so I would put her on the potty more often, I am worried that she will get a bladder infection from holding to so long. I would run water, read her books, do some deep breathing with her, all to try and get her to let go... (btw, the running water worked best)
Just recently I have stopped trying to get her to go more often. she hasn't had any accidents, but wow, if I held it that long I would explode! Still worring about bladder infections...
Kami

[teachma]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

How the heck did you get my kids? Ds is just getting over the compulsive peeing thing! He'd have to go every 15 minutes whenever we were out somewhere!

Oh, I'm glad he's over it. It's enough to make a parent totally crazy!! And yes, it is very strange to see my children's lives being very nearly mirrored at times. But good, too, to know we're not alone in all this.

[gilamama]

i see a real mind body connection here. remember we are talking about eliminating waste. maybe they need to eliminate emotional waste before they can eliminate the physical waste?

I say this b/c my dd, if she has a melt down, b4 she can calm down totally, she usually has to make peepee. Then it is as if the tension has passed out of her and she is able to process her emotions and move on.

[aschmied]

My DD did this too. Now she just does the crazy leg thing. She's definitely withholding, too, and god forbid I should suggest the potty. :

[maya's mommy]

My dd1 is the same way. Even when she was a little baby she would get crabby before she had to pee. That is one of the reasons I ended up doing EC with her. Now she will deny she has to pee and then when she sits on the toilet she will cry when she starts to pee. She is just over 5 and is usually good about getting to the bathroom on time now. She also will only go 3 times a day. She was is also a clingy kid and was a high needs baby. I also think that she has some sensory issues.

[aschmied]

Okay, so my DD as I said does all these things - sounds just like maya in the PP, only younger. However, recently she has also added that it hurts when she goes pee, not when she poops, just pees. We're had/having a test for UTI done, but the prelim results are negative.

Has anyone else had something like this, and what was it? It's worrying me.

[angela&avery]

my ds is 6 and with holds bm. Its horrible... and when he gets home from school the first thing I do is send him to pee he will be crossing his legs and squirming. Its definitely a control thing. The interesting thing is I have started sending him to the bathroom every day to poop at the same time and he goes and we have no issues, but if I forget he wont go and then he will smell and get poop on his bottom and his clothes, etc....

he does not constantly leak like he has bowel distention, its only when he hasnt gone poop in over a day or so..... i think its sensory related.. he is very oral and reacts funny to noise and stuff too.. (he is ADD, is it possible he forgets to go?? LOL)