PPD: How can I help my wife?

[HopefulHusband]

Good afternoon everyone. This may seem a bit odd, you know, as this is The Mommy Playbook, but I am not a mother. I'm a husband to the most gorgeous, most amazing woman that my heart, my eyes, my mind, and my soul have ever known, a woman who proved to me that I am able to love in a way that I never imagined.

I'm trying to get some insight into ways that I might be able to provide additional support and encouragement for my wife, and I figured the best way to do that would be by speaking to other mothers and wives.

My wife and I had our third child a little over 7 weeks ago. He's a BEAUTIFUL boy, and I can't explain how much I love the little guy. And after witnessing her giving birth, I can't describe how my love just grew for my wife.

Over the last several weeks, she's been really down. I know this isn't uncommon. I just want to know what I can do to help. It hurts me deeply to see her so depressed.

You see, she spent about two years and some change raising our other two kids pretty much on her own. They're from a previous marriage, but I consider them as my own. As a single mother of two, she spent pretty much every moment with kids. When we met, she had just started a job since the boys were old enough to go to school and pre-school, and she was really excited about being out and doing things again, making money, and enjoying life outside of the house.

Now that we've had the baby, she's working at home, tending to baby, tending to the other boys, doing the house work while I'm away at work. She does such an amazing job with everything, and I try to be as helpful as possible when I'm at home.

But like I've said, she's getting really down. She's lost most if not all of the pregnancy weight, and she looks beautiful, but her self esteem, her self image, her self satisfaction just dropped to the floor.

I want so much for her to understand how beautiful she is, how sexy she is, what an amazing person she is, how lovely she is.

I know being cooped up all day in the house doesn't really help, and the only time she REALLY gets to get out during the day is to go to the store. I've been trying to encourage her to visit friends and similar stuff so her days are more varied. She has, and it seems to help but only for a short time.

What can I do? How can I help? I try to tell and show her as much as I can how beautiful she is, but I know it's more than just me telling her. Please help! I love my wife so much. I want and will do anything to help her find happiness in her self again.

HopefulHusband

[riverundine]

your wife is blessed to have such a thoughtful and loving husband.

how about counseling, going with her?
scheduling her a series of ayurvedic oil massages...they really help with grounding after birth.
let her know about this forum.
cook nutrient rich whole foods.
hire her a cleaning person once a week or every other.
get a sitter for the older kids and surprise her with a romantic evening or nice hike in the forest.
what about mama/baby yoga, or another mom's group of new mamas to network with?
a bioidentical hormone specialist could test her for what she might need for better balance.
a sitter/mom's helper that could give her some personal space for meditation or something of the like.

just some thoughts off the top of my head. good luck and congratulations on your new baby boy!
love and light

[gwerydd]

what a wonderful husband you are and i second the previous posters suggestions. also just be a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to her. communication is very very important.

[jmmom]

What a wonderful husband you are. Some of the other moms here are probably much more knowledgeable about ppd than I am, and they can feel free to correct me, but for me getting out for long walks, with baby in a sling, really helped a lot. Anything you can do - helping with the other two kids, helping her to get the babe in a sling, going with her, taking a morning or afternoon off, etc - to help get her out and in the sunshine would be great. From what I have read, wearing your babe can help a bit with ppd, as the physical closeness helps stimulate the production of good hormones.

If she's down about her appearance, how about getting a haircut? a pedicure? a massage? a postnatal yoga class? new make-up? new clothes? whatever her fancy, to help her feel like she has a little time for herself.

All of this is just what did help me - hope it helps both of you a bit.

[CharlieToaster]

Have you considered talking with her doctor? I have several similaraties to your story and I would not have thought I needed meds but my ob put me on Lexapro and it has made all the difference in the world.

I had my second and last son almost 5 months ago. He is amazing. He was a surprise too. I never really recovered from having my older son almost 4 years ago. It's been years of stress. I have a husband who love us all dearly but has had some very bad work experiences and has spent a great deal of time working a lot of hours so I've had to be the ears and eyes 24 hours a day even when he's home because he has been so exhausted he can't always be counted on to wake up to help with anything. I always figured that's just the way it is. I was exhausted, out of it and completely unfulfilled. When ds 2 was born I was alive for the first time in years for like 3 weeks. I had an easy birth and he is so different from my older son. When my hormones kicked in and my regular cycle started again I slowly started going back to that lifeless, exhausted person. Life is good now. DH has a great job, we have a great life but I became a raging hormone and stressed out. I've been on the Lexapro for a week and it's like night and day. The interesting part is I finally lost it when everything was in place. It was like I was finally able to let my guard down and years of stuff just came down all around me. Maybe your wife feels the same way? She's in a relaxed place, not alone and now all the years of making things work are just catching up. It's all in there somwhere and it has to come out somehow.

I was kinda pissed when my OB suggested meds over the phone but he explained that it's really pretty normal at this time part partum and some people use the meds for a few months and then just when they need them as an anti-anxiety med to just even things out. It really wouldn't hurt to place a few calls and come up with some options. It can't hurt.

All the other suggestions are great too, we all need time for ourselves. But, hormones are crazy things and modern medicine does have a few answers.

I wish you all the best!

[crazyrunningmama]

I agree with all of the previous posts and just wanted to add..

When I became a mother, I had no idea what a huge adjustment it would be in my identity. Who am I? How is what I am doing important? I know in theory that raising a child is the most important thing I could ever do, but in the moment, is changing a poopy diaper important? is trying to keep the house from becoming a pigsty important? What helped me (and I did have PPD) was people who just listened and validated my feelings (rather than saying "yes, what did you expect?").

Also, and this is my opinion and might not match your family, the dad doing housework etc. is not him "helping" his wife, it is him doing his fair share towards taking care of the family. If you work full time, so does she with 3 kids, not counting housework. That was also part of my PPD, feeling like I had sooooooo much responsibility and feeling that it wasn't fair somehow.

Anyway, good luck to you and your wife. Glad to see you care enough to look around for some input.

: and congratulations on your baby!

[mom0810]

I'm not sure what state you are in, but it is the law in my state now to have mothers take a PPD test after birth. My OB sent mine to my home a week after I had my son and my score was off the charts!

I would suggest getting her into therapy as soon as possible. Go to www.postpartum.net for info on qualified counselors in your area.

Medication helped me out of the dark place pretty quickly. I did NOT like that I had to take it, but I really did need to. Now I am so much better and able to be a great mom to my two boys.

It's possible she had this when she gave birth to her other two kids. If you have it once, you are at risk for it again.

There is a great book, The Postpartum Husband, or something like that, that helps dads in your position. Also, Beyond the Blues is really good and has a section for dads. It's pretty inexpensive and a GREAT reference.

Best wishes to you both. It can be SO much better. She just needs to get help soon.

[DashsMama]

Originally Posted by crazyrunningmama

I agree with all of the previous posts and just wanted to add..
Also, and this is my opinion and might not match your family, the dad doing housework etc. is not him "helping" his wife, it is him doing his fair share towards taking care of the family. If you work full time, so does she with 3 kids, not counting housework. That was also part of my PPD, feeling like I had sooooooo much responsibility and feeling that it wasn't fair somehow.

Yep! My depression was mostly caused by feeling completely overwhelmed by all the responsibility I had. For me, caring for a newborn baby is a full time job, caring for the other children too is at least a part-time job, add in cooking and housework and that is at least another full-time job. So while my husband was doing a great job working his one job and providing for our family, I was working the equivalent of 2 and 1/2 jobs, not getting paid, and never getting any time-off. The last thing I wanted from my dh was to hear how beautiful and sexy I was. What would have helped immensely would have been for him to take on some of the work I was doing other than the new baby care. If he had consistently taken on the responsibility for half of the household chores (i.e. scrubbing toilets, not mowing lawns), did them well and thoroughly, without complaining or expecting praise or sex in return, it would have made my transition into mother of 3 so much easier.

IMO, If you aren't going to bed feeling like you worked at least another part-time job, you're not doing enough to help her out. And, just so you know...after having a new baby most woman's hormones are such that her libido is very low. This is normal and natural and has nothing to do with her not loving you or not feeling sexy, so stop the sweet talk and roll up your sleeves and get to work!

[mom0810]

I agree about not wanting to hear how sexy, etc she is. That is the LAST thing on her mind right now, I am sure. My ds2 is almost 5 months old and between nursing, taking care of our 2 year old, and all of the household chores, hearing how beautiful I am, while a nice gesture on my dh's part, is NOT something I really care about now. It's early days still to be thinking about how I look and even caring about it as far as I'm concerned. I agree that helping her with the household stuff would be great right now. But if she has PPD, she might not be willing to accept the help. Part of PPD is being a perfectionist, and she might think it's all "up to her" as far as getting the work done. It's not realistic, though, and therapy would help that.

From a man's point of view, I can see where you would think that telling her all of these things would make a difference. But it doesn't because of the place she is in mentally right now. Honestly, NOTHING you can say right now will help in any way. You have to just support her emotionally, by understanding where she is now and working with that.

Sex should be totally off the table right now, BTW. She doesn't need to be thinking or worrying about that if she doesn't want to. I know you didn't really mention that but I know how you are probably feeling since it's been 7 weeks.

[readytobedone]

if you think it's PPD, you should help her get professional help--a counselor, a doctor, someone. if it's PPD, there is not much you can do to solve the problem, but you can support her in getting the help she needs.

beyond getting professional help, the best things my DH has done for me as far as my PPD goes have been:

*doing housework and childcare
*taking care of things when i irrationally can't (e.g. diaper change where DD is screaming her head off and i feel i'm about to lose it) without complaining
*not pressuring me to have sex
*getting me out of the house alone AND with him and DD
*telling me i am a good mother and giving specific reasons why i am a good mother. the worst part of PPD for me was feeling like a terrible mother who should have never had a baby.
*telling me that the way i feel is not my fault

hope this helps!

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by readytobedone

if you think it's PPD, you should help her get professional help--a counselor, a doctor, someone. if it's PPD, there is not much you can do to solve the problem, but you can support her in getting the help she needs.

I know you mean well, but in my experience this is totally not true. Depression is totally treatable. See this MDC thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=195601 (which I also just bumped).

I recommend the book, The Mood Cure. I had PPD with anxiety and first I started Effexor. It helped some but I felt very unwell on it. Then I started taking amino acid supplements instead, and they CURED my depression! They were WAY more effective than the Effexor. I actually stopped taking the Effexor cold-turkey (um, I don't recommend doing that!) and I never looked back. The amino acids were all I needed.

There is a user here, Gale Force, who wrote a really good book called Rebuild From Depression. I'm not sure if it's available for sale yet, but she has some info on her website.

HTH!

[Sheryl1678]

Try to help her restore her depleted stores with colloidal minerals and Omega 3s. Omega 3s are vital to preventing depression and they frequently get depleted in pregnancy.

Also do whatever you can to get her out in the sun every single day. You are on the right track with this already.

Lastly, make sure she sleeps in total darkness. If she is getting up and turning on lights in the middle of the night, it will disrupt her melatonin production and also contribute to her depression. Try to use special lights that don't mess with melatonin (even night lights do it), get up yourself and let her stay in bed or cosleep so you can attend to your baby without getting up.

These are natural ways to help and prevent PPD but obviously PPD is a very serious condition that requires medication if natural methods do not work. Good luck!

[2nd1inJune]

I'm new here but I had to add my 2 cents.
You sound a lot like my husband. Extremely loving and supportive, but not really getting what she needs. I can only speak for myself in what I would need and want.
I don't think how you feel about her matters to her right now. She probably just wants to be heard AND validated with out comments from you that contradict what she's saying. If she feels frumpy or unattractive, don't tell her how wrong she is, just listen. Don't try to fix every negative thing that she says.
Take care of all of the children and send her out to do something that she used to be interested in.
Let her know that your there for her if and when she wants to talk about it.
And I completly agree with everyone else that doing your share around the house might be helpful to her also.
Good luck
Congrats on the baby.

[dannic]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

I know you mean well, but in my experience this is totally not true. Depression is totally treatable. See this MDC thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=195601 (which I also just bumped).

I recommend the book, The Mood Cure. I had PPD with anxiety and first I started Effexor. It helped some but I felt very unwell on it. Then I started taking amino acid supplements instead, and they CURED my depression! They were WAY more effective than the Effexor. I actually stopped taking the Effexor cold-turkey (um, I don't recommend doing that!) and I never looked back. The amino acids were all I needed.

There is a user here, Gale Force, who wrote a really good book called Rebuild From Depression. I'm not sure if it's available for sale yet, but she has some info on her website.

HTH!

I totally agree with this! Also understand that there can be more than one underlying cause--I'm dealing with ppd, but my animos were low, my adrenals are exhausted, hormones out of wack and I really have to watch my low blood sugar--these all factor in. BUT!! I am doing so much better! I second the mood cure and add depression-free naturally. The best thing my DH has done for me is repeatedly put things into perspective--that the ppd is a symptom and sign of depleted brain chemistry, biological deficiencies, ect--and as we've been correcting these, I am healing. HTH!

[ilovemygurlz]

hey. i have to say, you ARE a wonderful man to that woman!!

ive been through post partum with my first daughter. it hit me right away and lasted for a few months. it was SERIOUS. depression/anxiety, fear of hurting my child and myself. i didnt wanna be left alone with her and i thought other people would think i was hurting her, or i thought people were hurting her. i didnt take any medication or talk to a doctor/counselor, i went through the emotions and somehow it just went away. i dont think it fully went away because there are times i still think people are gonna think im a bad mother, and i think someone is going to hurt her. i even get to the point i cant handle it anymore, taking care of her, and i lose my temper. its really hard to live that way, trust me i know, and what your wife is going through is extremely tough. my daughter is now 23 months and yea shes a handful and i sometimes think im going to go backwards but luckily im still in the same place. i just had my second (and LAST) child, another girl, 3 weeks ago and i was fine when i got home. it didnt hit me til about 2 days after when i started feeling down, crying a lot, thinking im going to hurt her. it was more of a fear than me actually thinking about it. same thing with my first. i was just fearful of post partum coming back again, to the point like i had it with my first. im doing so much better now. it only lasted about a week or so and it stopped. it wasnt post partum, it was the baby blues. every women feels it, they become down and exhausted after having a baby. our hormone levels drop so fast and thats what causes it to happen. if it doesnt go away within 2 weeks then thats when you should talk to someone. i usually get over things on my own without medication anyway so thats why it comes to no surprise i beat post partum without anything but just my own strength. any women can do it, i believe your wife can too if she doesnt wanna go on any pills. support from you and even friends and other family is a big help. my fiance has helped me through it too. i was getting up at night all the time with my 2nd child and i was only getting 2 hours sleep. i wouldnt bother to wake my fiance because he has work early in the morning but he started realizing what was going on with me and now he gets up too in the night and lets me sleep when i need to. its helpful. you seem very very understanding and supportive, shes so lucky to have you. most guys dont do crap and just sleep and make excuses that they work and theyre tired. just keep doing what youre doing, believe me, youre helping her even if shes still down right now its going to help in the end. and just be there for her to talk to anytime she needs to. if she starts getting angry a lot, upset a lot, more sensitive, even when youve done nothing wrong, let it be, talk to her, dont fight back. itll only make it worse. as i said, im doing so good now. i wont allow the thoughts back into my head. i wont allow myself to think im a horrible person and mother. just the fact i worried about it in the first place proves im a good person and mother. just continue being there for her, shes going to be alright.

if you want, you can look some info up in the internet and find other ways to be there for her. she might need a little break. the only times i really go out too is to go to the store. when my fiance comes home from work he takes over with the kids. thats a very big help believe me. im glad you help her out when you come home. its a relief. during the day everything becomes overwhelming. maybe the 2 boys can help out too. my first daughters only 23 months but shes helpful in her own ways and yea like i said she can be a handful but shes helpful. i think your wife has to get out of the house every so often, thats what ive been doing and its like a breath of fresh air. its really good and maybe you can get out with her too. shes going to go through all these diff emotions, just try to understand them.

if you need to talk or have anything to ask me you can PM me or email me at [e-mail]

ttyl...Good luck!