Last night I came in and they told me they needed to put a catheter in him because he keeps pulling his IVs. He's agitated and goes right for the tubes. He knows thats weird
I cried as she described our choices, they all sound horrible and makes it sound like he's going to be there forever.
When I first came in I saw one of the NICU nurses giving him the googley-eyes.. soft tilted head, gentle smile, DEEP eye contact and the mama bear in me almost had an aneurism. Do whatever you need to to keep him comfortable... cup him gently, hold his arm for him, talk to him nicely... but whatever you do, don't bond with my son the way I should be bonding with my son. God it tore my heart apart...
..you have to understand that he has only opened his eyes twice and they always rolled around, no focus.. they said it would be a long while before he could do that...
I must have been giving her a deathlook because she said "Lets let MAMA talk to you." and backed off. He must have heard me or smelled me, he turned his head and I noticed his eyes were open! Not only were they open, but they were actively looking for me! If I would move or whatever he would try to follow me. I scrubbed up and got right in close, just a few inches from his face, and got to look him in the eye for the first time.. still pretty honked at the nurse, but relieved he knew who I was!
He has these gorgeous deep dark eyes. They look hazel already but it was hard to see him. He calmed down right away and searched my face.. my eyes, my lips, just like I do to him. He was mashing his hands into his mouth for the first time as well and that made me soooo happy to see. I asked if I could give him a finger, dreading the response, and they said yes!
He lipped and licked my finger (Mmm soap) for a moment then drew it back into his mouth and sighed totally contentedly. His arms and legs relaxed and he just lay there and sucked and studied me. He broke contact only to look at daddy and then right back to me.
I sat there like that for three hours. He was so quiet and peaceful, I have never seen him so content.. he is always struggling to pull out his wires and cries so much.. I still didn't want to leave him but it was nearly midnight and I was in so much pain I couldn't take it anymore (and the percocet knocks me out so I had to leave or I'd fall asleep right there) so I tried to give him the soothie to keep him nice and quiet but he refused it.
I came home and pumped 90mL which is the most I'd ever pumped before, and this morning I got 135mL. I need to go back and see him soon but I'm still waiting on the freakin' poop and need to eat my placenta for the day and yadda yadda.
The shift change just ended so I had H call for an update. They are working with him and we will call back soon and I'll updatethen.
Thank you everyone for reading and understanding. I will keep updating. Sorry if some of my posts are loopy, I have been trying to cut the meds but I am still in a lot of pain.