a moment to reflect- foster parenting

[liz-hippymom]

so i have been known to be a lactivist. i have three children by birth , all nursed between 17 months (how old he is now-we'll go longer) and 3 years. i used to be a regular participant in the local "lactavistas" group, LLL, and attached parents groups. i was a postpartum doula. i have done breastfeeding counseling for countless woman. and i have struggled with pride and lack of understanding about anyone ever not nursing.
it's hard to admit this!
i am according to many (even my foster agency, lol) i am an indiscreet nurser. that being said- i live in a town where breastfeeding in public is very common. and really i have had little to no negative reactions.
now fast forward- we signed up as foster parents. we were going for a child in the age range of 2-10. but God had other plans, lol!
We got a newborn. now , since we don't live in california their isn't a snowballs chance in hell of me nursing this little. so i find myself thrust into bottlefeeding 101. and i find myself getting strange looks when i bust out a bottle for this tiny baby. i feel the scorn from the other side, and let me say i am humbled!!!
what sparked my writing this was the "baba elmo" i saw it and thought my foster baby will probably love a toy like that in a year.

anyhow, any thoughts?

[Momily]

Liz,

Breastfeeding my adoptive child wasn't an option for me for a whole host of reasons, and one of the hardest things about it was exactly what you describe -- being out in public and having people judge me for doing something that I knew was the BEST of the realistic choices for my child (in your case since it seems like your choices are formula feeding or having him removed to another formula feeding home it's a no brainer that formula's the BEST of those choices). I felt like I wanted a T-shirt that said "Trust me, I would if I could!"

What I ended up doing was making positive comments to nursing moms, and focused on my little one's face during feedings (which I did anyway).

As far as Ba-Ba Elmo, I haven't seen the toy, but I still wanted my FF child to see breastfeeding as natural and a first choice. He was actually tube fed at toddler age and would certainly try and stick the tube into his toys, but I also made a point to show him nursing pairs and mention that it's a great way to feed a baby. So, while I'd probably buy a bottle or two for a FF (or EP'd) child's dolls I don't know that I'd buy a toy that celebrates bottles to the degree that I think Ba-Ba Elmo might.

[kriket]

just curious, Why can't you nurse? DH and I have been looking into adoption and I am just gathering info on it.
Is it because it's a foster child they won't let you nurse? Or is there a medical reason? Or just a bad latch?
if it's not too personal

[Momily]

I'm not sure if you were asking

As far as nursing a foster child -- there are a lot of reasons why this isn't allowed. Some of them are frankly, kind of bogus, but there are also some very valid concerns about wanting to make sure that if/when the child is reunited with birthfamily (which is the goal of foster care) the child is able to take a bottle, and isn't depedent on a certain person's breast. Whatever the reasons, most foster care agencies in this country do not allow foster moms to breastfeed, and you would almost definitely have your child removed if they found out that you'd done so even once.

In my situation the plan was always adopted so the reason above didn't apply, but there were a lot of specific reasons that added together made it not a good idea. I actually just wrote out a post detailing those reasons and then erased it. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you trust me on this one.

[kriket]

ahh, I see. I was just wondering if I would have the same experiences that you ladies are dealing with. The foster child and nipple confusion makes sense. (in it's own strange way)

Thats fine that you don't want to share you reasons. Personal things are best kept personal. I just wanted to know what things you ladies had to deal with when you had your fostered/ adopted children!

would they let you pump and bottle feed? or is that a no-no also.

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by kriket

just curious, Why can't you nurse? DH and I have been looking into adoption and I am just gathering info on it.
Is it because it's a foster child they won't let you nurse? Or is there a medical reason? Or just a bad latch?
if it's not too personal

The goal of foster parenting is reunification with the child's mother. Establishing an intimate bond such as a nursing relationship with someone else's baby would be grossly inappropriate.

[Momily]

Originally Posted by kriket

ahh, I see. I was just wondering if I would have the same experiences that you ladies are dealing with. The foster child and nipple confusion makes sense. (in it's own strange way)

Thats fine that you don't want to share you reasons. Personal things are best kept personal. I just wanted to know what things you ladies had to deal with when you had your fostered/ adopted children!

would they let you pump and bottle feed? or is that a no-no also.

Kriket, I went back and read my post and realized it sounded like I was offended which I wasn't. I can PM you some of the reasons if you like, but several of them were pretty rare.

As far as pumping -- I don't think most foster care agencies would allow it. For an adoptive parent it might well have been allowed, but in my case as a mother who had never lactated and got the baby on very short notice, it's unlikely I would have been able to establish a milk supply without putting the baby to my breast -- if you're already or recently nursing or if you have months of notice to do a protocal involving birth control pills and domperidone you might be successful.

[kriket]

Originally Posted by Momily

Kriket, I went back and read my post and realized it sounded like I was offended which I wasn't. I can PM you some of the reasons if you like, but several of them were pretty rare.

thats ok, DH and I are barely starting to skim the surface with this. We are really hoping that have one bio-kid first. I really really want to be pregnate. It feels like a rite of passage that I just can't circumvent.

I'm still just learning from others experiences at this point

[FREEmom1120]

Thanks for sharing OP. I love when people are brave and honest enough to share humbling experiences.

My thoughts are that it's a great example of reasons to not judge people we see when you have no idea what their situation is. People who see me in public don't know what I went through (and boy was I humbled as well through my experience). No one here does either. We assume we know, because we're so used to the mainstream reasons, but we don't know. And sitting there judging someone is not even affecting them, we're only wasting our own mental energy when we could be focusing on something more positive.

I'm excited for you to have the opportunity to impact this precious baby.

[liz-hippymom]

i don't nurse her because it isn't allowed. since i am still nursing my 17 month old i certainly could physically if i was allowed legally. in California they do allow foster parents in certain circumstances to nurse/pump.
the goal is always reunification first- in our case we took a legal-risk placement, meaning there was a high likelihood of it going to adoption.

so it ends up being really interesting when i am nursing my big boy and bottle feeding the little in public. i get some interesting looks! lol

[liz-hippymom]

Originally Posted by FREEmom1120

Thanks for sharing OP. I love when people are brave and honest enough to share humbling experiences.

My thoughts are that it's a great example of reasons to not judge people we see when you have no idea what their situation is. People who see me in public don't know what I went through (and boy was I humbled as well through my experience). No one here does either. We assume we know, because we're so used to the mainstream reasons, but we don't know. And sitting there judging someone is not even affecting them, we're only wasting our own mental energy when we could be focusing on something more positive.

I'm excited for you to have the opportunity to impact this precious baby.

great post- thats exactly where i was going with this!

[JessBB]

There is a woman in my neighborhood whom I saw several times early in the fall. She had a teensy baby in a sling, and I saw her bottle feeding him on more than one occasion. She was a little bit older, so I thought maybe the babe was adopted but then again he looked just like her. I commented to DH more than once that if someone was going to babywear, etc. why oh why wouldn't they bf?? I'd like to think I reined in the "looks" somewhat but let's be honest, probably not.

Well, some months later she and I struck up a conversation. Turns out it was her cousin's child and she was the nanny. Man oh man did I feel like a horse's rear end.

Another case-in-point is my childhood best friend, who stopped bf'ing at 6 weeks for a host of reasons. I went to visit her and expected bottle propping, the whole 9 yards of "detached" parenting. Come to see she is the most loving and attentive mother I've ever seen. She holds her daughter close and bottlefeeds her whenever she's able. And she is still rocking her with a bottle at 14 months, because she doesn't want to give up the closeness and loving time they spend together. Honestly, if something were ever to happen to me, I would want her to mother ds and any subsequent children, because as much as I value, respect and promote breastfeeding for myself and others, ultimately, it's the love that counts, right?

[FREEmom1120]

Originally Posted by JessBB

because as much as I value, respect and promote breastfeeding for myself and others, ultimately, it's the love that counts, right?

I sure hope so! Fwiw, my mom was not breastfed at all and I have never, ever seen anyone love their parents as much as she loved hers. She was "attached" even at 50 yo.

Great post.