7 yo Afraid of Asking Kids to Play

[Adele_Mommy]

My dd is 7 years old. She is friends with a slightly younger girl across the street. They frequently go over to each other's houses to ask each other to play now, but it took a long time before my dd felt comfortable doing this. Long after the friend would come and ring our bell by herself my dd insisted I go over with her to ask. I was OK with this when she was 5 or 6 and hadn't done it before, but now she has started playing with two other girls on our street (ages 9 and 11) and she is terrified about going to their house to ask them to play.

Today my dd was miserable because earlier the older girls had said they wanted to play after they returned from an errand, but after we saw their car return my dd could not bring herself to go and ask them to play. I am shy myself and I totally understand her nervousness, but I don't know what to do to help her.

Any advice or suggestions? TIA!

[LynnS6]

I laughed when I read your title, because that describes our ds (6 1/2) too!

Just last weekend, ds wanted to go ask the neighbor girl to play. I was busy making dinner, dh was napping and ds was miserable because I wouldn't go with him. So, we had the following conversation:

Me: I can watch you from the door.
Ds: No, I want you to go with me!
Me: I can't right now, it'll be 10 minutes before I can get this stuff in the oven.
Ds: That's too long!!!
Me: Well, your choices are to go without me, or to wait.
Ds: i don't want to go alone!
Me: Hey, M (dd, age 3 1/2), do you want to with T (6 1/2) to see if Z can play?
Dd: Sure!
Me: Ds, hold dd's hand when you cross the street.
Dd: It's OK T (ds), I'll keep you safe.
Ds: Hey, I AM the older one!



What I usually do is go with him. The older he gets, the further back I stand. right now I'm about 4 feet from the door. I figure by the time he's 10, he'll be doing it on his own! (dd, meanwhile, could do it himself!)

We also do 'scripts' and roleplay what he's going to say
"Ding Dong"
"Hi"
"Can Z come out of play?"

[lindberg99]

Would calling them be any easier for her? Or could you call and talk to the mom and see if her kids want to come out and your DD could meet them on the sidewalk or wherever? Her behavior doesn't seem that unusual to me. She's only 7.

My daughter has a friend who was completely mute except at home when she was 7 so there was no way she would ever have asked someone to play. Now the girl is 9 and calls over here so much sometimes I don't even want to answer the phone when I see it's her.

I'm sure your daughter will get more outgoing as she gets older and gets to know the girls a little better.

[mamabeca]

I agree that familiarity will help more than anything. I did a gradual thing w/my dd (which was, at first, only 'official' business like trick0treating, girl scout cookie sales, etc.). At 5-6 I would go w/her all the way, and sometime even do the talking if the child we were going to see didn't answer the door. At 7-8 I accompanied but gradually eased off, so that first I didn't speak, then I waited a few feet away, or at the bottom of the steps, or whatever - giving her some space w/me close by. Now at 9.5 my dd is confident (though if she all of a sudden made friends w/older kids, she'd probably be more comfortable setting up a time to play and meeting at the door (outside or inside, but not just popping over), or using the phone to 'hang out' if it wasn't possible to hang together. She's not ESPECIALLY outgoing, pretty normal I think, but we did have this issue of getting 'over' shyness - I think just get through it one day at a time, so that she feels supported and comfortable, and she'll grow up and out of it in her own time. What a good mama you are!

namaste, -a.

[Adele_Mommy]

It sounds like my dd's fears are not that out of the ordinary for 7 years old and I just need to let her gradually get accustomed again with these new friends by going with her and then going part way and so forth. My dd will be very happy to hear that!

Thanks for all the responses!

P.S. Lynn -- the start of your conversation with your kids sounded just like conversations I have had with my dd and then the end made me laugh. Too bad my dd does not have a little sister!

Thanks again!

[One_Girl]

I remember being nervous about asking kids to play and what helped me was a combination of practice, my mom encouraging me to do it, and being bored when my mom made my brother and I stay outside to get fresh air and stop whining about having nothing to do. My mother was open to hearing about my nervousness but she gave me a very clear message that I was going to have to solve the problem by either choosing to entertain myself or choosing to go over and ask if a friend could play. I don't know if that is very GD or not and I don't know if I would do that with dd, she has the opposite problem of asking too often, but I never felt ashamed or proud of my shyness, I was shy and I found ways on my own to get over it.