or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Dear MIL... response post 18
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dear MIL... response post 18

post #1 of 118
Thread Starter 

I am sorry to inform you that dd(20mo) will not be able to visit your home until you put a childproof lock on the lever door handles you have on your front and garage doors. Dd was easily able to open the lever style on the pantry and the bathroom when we visited yesterday and I remember a time last year when Cousin J (age 2 at the time) walked right out the front door (and nobody knew). I have bought you these lever locks in the past and you never installed them so this time I am completely willing to do it myself. If you don't want me to install these locks we are very happy to have you over to our house, meet at the park or go on a hike together but we will be unable to visit your home until dd is old enough to understand street safety and has the self restraint not to go exploring in the garage or front yard by herself.

Joy

things that I would love to say but will not....

If Cousin J is standing at your side and crying because she wants to "love gamma" and you are too "busy" playing Scrabble so you kinda hug her say i love you too but im too busy don't be surprised if I immediately pick J up and if im glaring sorry but that was complete BS right there

Nope dd can't play with regular brand name play dough or walmart bubbles sorry and even though i said yeah maybe next year that'll be a no too, NOW homemade play dough with organic food coloring(provided by me) sure but neon orange no thanks

DON'T BUY ANYMORE FREAKING TOYS.... I don't care if there is 1 Melissa and Doug and a bunch of other plastic crap the point is WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE TOYS ALL TOYS FROM THIS POINT ON ARE GOING TO GOODWILL over:

Is my letter too harsh? Would you make any changes? TIA
Peace
post #2 of 118
Thread Starter 
72 views and nothing... why do people hate me here? I would really love some feedback about my letter am I being to harsh? Do you all just agree and have nothing to say?
Peace
post #3 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post

I am sorry to inform you that dd(20mo) will not be able to visit your home until you put a childproof lock on the lever door handles you have on your front and garage doors. Dd was easily able to open the lever style on the pantry and the bathroom when we visited yesterday and I remember a time last year when Cousin J (age 2 at the time) walked right out the front door (and nobody knew). I have bought you these lever locks in the past and you never installed them so this time I am completely willing to do it myself. If you don't want me to install these locks we are very happy to have you over to our house, meet at the park or go on a hike together but we will be unable to visit your home until dd is old enough to understand street safety and has the self restraint not to go exploring in the garage or front yard by herself.

Joy

things that I would love to say but will not....

If Cousin J is standing at your side and crying because she wants to "love gamma" and you are too "busy" playing Scrabble so you kinda hug her say i love you too but im too busy don't be surprised if I immediately pick J up and if im glaring sorry but that was complete BS right there

Nope dd can't play with regular brand name play dough or walmart bubbles sorry and even though i said yeah maybe next year that'll be a no too, NOW homemade play dough with organic food coloring(provided by me) sure but neon orange no thanks

DON'T BUY ANYMORE FREAKING TOYS.... I don't care if there is 1 Melissa and Doug and a bunch of other plastic crap the point is WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE TOYS ALL TOYS FROM THIS POINT ON ARE GOING TO GOODWILL over:

Is my letter too harsh? Would you make any changes? TIA
Peace
\


I absolutely think that is too harsh. What's stopping everyone from just keeping an eye on the kids? I'm not a big believer in keeping kids "safe" from the world, but rather teaching them how to live in it.

I also don't think that playing with neon orange playdough a few times isn't going to hurt anyone.
post #4 of 118
I can understand the lever door locks. I've known speedy escape artists. Those handles allow little ones to open doors WAY too early.

Everything else... I realize it's not in the letter, but I really think your expectations are over the top. Grandmas buy stuff for kids. Sounds like she's making an effort with the M & D stuff. And I agree. Some playdough or bubbles won't hurt anything as long as your child doesn't have severe allergies or something along those lines.

-Angela
post #5 of 118
I do not think expecting child locks on doors is unreasonable AT ALL. You never said your LO could never go back just when he's older. The wording might be a LITTLE tiny bit harsh but you are talking about a CHILD.

Oh and playing with neon orange playdough COULD be harmful for certain children and more importantly he's is YOUR child and If you don't want them to be exposed to chemicals and colors then so be it.
post #6 of 118
Thread Starter 
thats the point they will take dd(or my niece) to play and I will be eating or just talking to someone else(sil or bil or fil) and suddenly dd will come to the table/couch and MIL or FIL will be sitting in the play room waiting for the child to come back this happened last year I was feeding my niece at the table and then sent her to the play room (and yelled to mil "J is coming your way") to play with MIL (this was stupid on my part I should have walked her to the play room) and then went to feed dd(3mo at the time) 10 min later MIL comes out of the play room and asks where is J it turns out she had just walked out the front door and was playing in the driveway the next day I brought over lever handle locks for their garage and front doors and they never installed them........ now dd has opened the bathroom and pantry door (they are all the same lever style) and call me silly but I want a little extra precaution



and the neon play dough will not be brought up im picking my battles
post #7 of 118


The lever door handles are scary.

BUT it seems like maybe the bigger picture here is that MIL does not adequately supervise kids. Personally, if it were my child and I felt they were not being adequately supervised, then I would not count on that person to supervise them- EVER. Not for 10 minutes.

-Angela
post #8 of 118
I don't think you should write a letter and I don't think "sorry to inform you" is a good phrase to use. I realize you've brought this up before, but the best you can do, I think is for you or your dh to call on the phone and say, we are truly worried about this safety concern and we can't leave our daughter with you until the doors lock properly. (If you are visiting with your daughter, the request is unreasonable, you are capable of watching her and keeping her safe, this only applies if you are leaving her with them.)

Honestly, my inlaws house was not safe enough for me. They frequently left the basement door open and had a long stairway with a cement floor at the bottom. They had other hazards and a casual way of (not)-watching kids. So I never, ever left my kids alone there and I followed them around the house keeping a close eye and I closed the darn cellar door again and again. I would never have considered not visiting her home with my kids though, nor would I have considered bringing these issues up. I just chose not to leave my kids there unsupervised.
post #9 of 118
Thread Starter 
with dh he lives in Japan (military) and all of the kid stuff falls on me anyways.... and personally I don't want to follow dd around the whole time every time we go there (2-3 times a week for 1-5 hours) it just takes any enjoyment I might have gotten out the visit(playing with my niece or talking with my SIL) and really feel they should make a small effort to make their home a bit safer (they don't have any outlet covers, have chemicals under their kitchen sink and no cabinet lock, smoke in the house when there are no children there so it still stinks, barley ever have the heat on so it is absolutly frigid in the winter..... im sure there is other stuff but hey) I already hover in the kitchen and dd hasn't been to interested in outlets and I try to encourage outside activities when we are there to stay away from the residual chemicals...... ugh and on top of it all MIL is hugely passive aggressive and I have a really hard time dealing with it sometimes I almost end up either screaming or crying (normally bitching to my mom after ever visit with MIL)
post #10 of 118
Ummm... are you my SIL, because I think we have the same MIL? Only the ages of our kids are off so it can't be. Seriously, lever latches, no outlet covers, huge fireplace with brick edges everywhere, breakables and china galore, no cabinet latches, doors open to stairways, no child gates, and me chasing three children all over the house the entire time we are there. And no one understands why I am so tired when we come home and DREAD going over to visit.
post #11 of 118
Thread Starter 
oh yeh i did forget the fire place no gate in front of that either oh and all the blind cords.....
post #12 of 118
I think the safety devices are definately not uncalled for. I asked my parents to use the latches on the drawer where the knives are b/c the kids can easily reach that drawer, they have a latch under the sink where the chemicals and outlet covers. They dont really put up the breakables but thats easy to deal with, my kids listen very well when we tell them not to touch this or that.

As far as the toys, I dont see a problem with that. If the playdoh is kept at gma's and he only plays with it on occasion, I dont see a problem at all.

ETA: They do have a fireplace but the girls are usually good about staying off of it so that isnt a concern for me either.
post #13 of 118
I think that the letter is ridiculous. Watch your children, and they won't go outside into the street. They do not live at your MIL's house, so she should not have to adjust things as if your child lived there. You wouldn't (or maybe you would, but you shouldn't) expect your friends to do the same, would you? And I mean, the whole playdough thing - while you have every right to restrict what your child is exposed to you have to realize that other people are not your child's parents and they may not share the same opinions or even have the same knowledge about parenting. I think that the majority of people if they were looking for something to buy for a child would probably head to walmart - especially if they don't have small children and need some ideas. And too many toys? REALLY? Isn't it what you do with those toys that matters? And how you interact with your children when they are playing with the toys? As grandparents, if they can't have you over to visit and they can't spoil their grandkids, what role do they get to play at all? I'm sorry, but yes, I think that your letter is WAY too harsh, and probably unnecessary.
post #14 of 118
Thread Starter 
I do watch my child but when another adult takes her to play I kinda expect them to know where she is and transition her from adult to adult...... I want these locks as an extra precaution on top of me watching her and would rather inconvenience my ILs than have my daughter in an environment where she could easily walk out the front door(as my niece has done)

ETA: Again the toys,play dough and ignoring of the niece will not ever be mentioned i was just bitching
post #15 of 118
I understand your frustration because I don't like taking my 2 year old to unchildproofed houses but honestly, I think you are expecting a little much. When I take him to houses that are not childproofed to his level, I don't let him leave my sight. I don't think that I should be able to change locks etc. Apparently, MIL doesn't want to have them or she would have put them up by now.

I think your letter is a bit harsh but perhaps you should try and meet up at your place and parks or what have you. Maybe this is not the season to hang out at MILs. I would just try and talk to her more diplomatically about that.
post #16 of 118
I wouldn't do the letter. I'd just show up with the tools, safety locks, outlet cover, etc and install them. That way I'd avoud the inevitable uncomfortable discussion/conflict and the job would be done.
post #17 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I bought child safety locks for your front and garage doors on Amazon and they will be arriving next week and I would like to install them asap.... what time is the story time at the library? thursday at 10 right? I would be interested in going to the "Lapsit" toddler story time on tuesdays at 10 that sounds like it would be a better fit for leila..... oh i don't know if i gave you my cell # its blah blah
Peace
Joy
ok this is what i sent i guess i'll talk to her more about not coming over if she refuses.... thanks for all of your input.... peace
post #18 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
<snip>About the locks, when we raised K
and R(BIL and DH) we used safety latches on the cupboards at the appropriate age,
because they lived with us. Parent have to watch their children and
accomplish lots of other tasks. As Grandparents we are not responsible 24/7
as parents are. J and Leila visit, and during the visit we devote our
attention to them, teaching them, playing with them and loving them. If they
want to go outside, we go out with them. If they want to look in a drawer, we
look too. We keep them safe and happy...that's what Grandparents do. We
respectfully decline the offer.<snip>
Well I guess I'll have to bring up the time J wandered outside when FIL, MIL and I were all there(I was kinda focused on feeding my dd but still feel horrible) and then explain that I don't feel comfortable with such easy to open doors and that I am sorry that we won't be able to visit their house until dd is older.
post #19 of 118
I don't know. I think it is unreasonable for someone, say a parent like me, to assume and or mandate that someone else, like my mom, child proof her home. She has no more young children and it would just make life difficult for her.

If I did not trust her to adequately supervise my children, which I don't, I would do all the supervising myself at the visit. It does not matter that it would interfer with MY visit, because that is just part of my being a parent. I am the one to watch them in the stores, when we go shopping, on vacation, at friends houses, at restaurants, and so on. It is just my job. I routinely have my viists interrupted and interfered with, but that is just how it is. I do would not let my mom watch my children without me there, but I would never stop taking my children over for a visit just because she would not child proof the house.

It seems very unreasonable to me. But that is just my experince in that area.
post #20 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I would not let my mom watch my children without me there, but I would never stop taking my children over for a visit just because she would not child proof the house.

It seems very unreasonable to me. But that is just my experince in that area.
I'm not asking for childproofing of the entire house just the 2 doors leading to nowhere my dd needs to be alone EVER until she is like 10..... I mean if you could see the "play" room half it is her sewing stuff, they just put a couch that had been in the garage for at least 3 years in the playroom and the fish tank in the room smells like poo (MIL said this herself)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Dear MIL... response post 18