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Dear MIL... response post 18 - Page 6

post #101 of 118
Thread Starter 
but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
post #102 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
Well, you may be accused of keeping DD from them if you issued an ultimatum. It's not an accurate accusal, but you've said you won't go to their house. They may not feel like going out.

It may take a while for this to blow over. Good luck.
post #103 of 118
i just scanned because it was getting a bit much too read. i can say that i know all about your MIL sewing table and the crap on it and that her fish tank smells like poo.

sounds to me like you are looking for reasons not to go. if you don't want to go, just don't. easy as pic. stop holding your child over their heads with a my way or the highway mentality.

when someone disagrees with you, you add more details to your side of the story to get them to side with you. BUT, you are the mom. It is your choice on what/who/where/when.
post #104 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
So... your DH is out of the country, you don't really like your in-laws that much... and you visit them 3x a week, for 1 to 5 hours at a time? Why?

I LIKE my inlaws, and I could never spend that much time with them. They're nice people, but they drive me batty after awhile.

I don't think you need to create an issue about this, (door latches or otherwise), just don't go over there so much if you don't like it. What's the big deal?

Sure, grandparents are important, but I don't think 3x a week visits are necessary, especially not if they make you uncomfortable, and clearly they do.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
post #105 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
In my last post I just wanted to answer BrandiRhoades statements of how I'm playing power games and not understanding how sewing stuff could be dangerous.........
My ILs' basement den is the grandkids' play room. My MIL does crafts and sells them. Her craft area is in the same room and takes up about 1/4 of the room. None of the kids (even one particularly mischevious one) has EVER gotten hurt on the sewing/craft items. They are not allowed to touch them and understand that. MIL keeps everything neat, and it sounds like the issue is more disorganization than sewing. It was more your comment that they "claim" to have a playroom but put a couch and sewing machine in it. This is THEIR house! If you don't like it, don't go, but you cannot expect them to make things fit your standards. They're entitled to call something a playroom but also use it for themselves.
post #106 of 118
Thread Starter 
I guess.... I would love a couch in the play room but not one that has been in a gross garage for at least 5 years..... and if the sewing was nice and oganized i would be fine wit that too but don't take a room and call it the play room and then have it be a danger zone with gross smelly fish too......
post #107 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
I'm one that agrees with the idea that family is important enough to make those kinds of efforts, even if we don't like the circumstances.

Best advice I ever got from my mom was that if there is a situation you don't like you have 2 choices. If you can't live with the suituation, it's incumbant upon you to do whatever it takes to resolve it. If you CAN live with it, or aren't willing to do what it takes to resolve it, then you have to be quiet and let it alone.

Steady on girl.. The squeeky wheel gets the grease. Some people are stubborn and persnickety... but be gentle, respectful of their boundaries, patient and understanding, and I'll bet they will come around to a place where they will have some ideas for how to resolve the safetly scene there in a manner you can all live with.

It might not hurt to show some humility and own that the concern you feel is such that you were kind of intense, it wasn't your intent to offend, and that you really are waiting to hear some ideas from them...

Good luck!
post #108 of 118
I don't understand everyone's attitude that it's ok for it to be mom's job to watch the children all the time. Why would you want to socialize with people who can't even be bothered to keep your child out of danger? What do you think "it takes a village" means?
post #109 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by urklemama View Post
I don't understand everyone's attitude that it's ok for it to be mom's job to watch the children all the time. Why would you want to socialize with people who can't even be bothered to keep your child out of danger? What do you think "it takes a village" means?
I think it is my job to watch my children all the time because I am the one that chose to have them. I am the one that has been granted the blessed responsibility to raise and nurture them. It IS my job. That is why I am here. We don't live in a society of "villiages" anymore and I have no one to "help" me other than my DH (which is is wonderful).

It is my attitude because that is who I am. If you choose to not take that job, that is fine, but there is absolutly nothing wrong with me living up to my responsibilities and doing my job and watching my children all the time.

God gave me a job, a duty. And that is something that I take very seriously. I will not hand that responsibility over to someone else. It is my calling in life. As long as I have children that are not adults, it is MY job to ensure their education and safety in all areas. That is just how it is.
post #110 of 118
Wow, sixpages of responses? I just read your post, not all the responses, but do think the letter is not so appropriate. My ex's family would all chain smoke when ds was a baby. Both exdh and I asked them several times not to when the baby was around, but they still did. So I would end up sitting in another room, alone, all day with ds. After awhile I told dh if he wanted me over there again, he would have to put his foot down, I was not going to sit in another room the whole time. He did put his foot down, and they still smoked-not asmuch, but even two people smoking at one is awful. So I just stopped going over there unless it was a holiday or something.
post #111 of 118
And actually, if I were you, next time I was there I would just say,"oh, do you mind if I put these door latches on?"
post #112 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
_______________

Umm you are going to drop a note every other day until you get a response?? give it a rest!! I think you all need some space from each other ... and visiting 3x a week sounds like a bit much anyway!

I understand your concerns -- however I always felt it was my responsibility to watch my DS and it never occured to me to ask people to change their homes -- I just watched DS more closely in homes where they were not child proof. My DS is now a teenager -- but if he was married and his new wife purchased safety things for my home and demanded I install them I would be pretty ticked!! and insulted .. because its my home not yours!

I am truly not trying to be critical -- but I do think you all need a break from each other!

Blessings
post #113 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Decluttering Nut View Post

and visiting 3x a week sounds like a bit much anyway!

but if he was married and his new wife purchased safety things for my home and demanded I install them I would be pretty ticked!! and insulted .. because its my home not yours!
My DN was over there pretty much every day for the first 2years and 2-3 times a week in this last year DN has been having overnights with them from about 6mo and they expect to see dd at least the 2-3 times a week and will be very surprised that they never get alone time with her (those 10min I left her with MIL the other day were the last as I had no idea they were all still smoking pot I thought they had stopped... thank you SIL for the info(SIL smokes pot too))

When did I ever demand? I said hey I bought these door locks, she said no thanks and then I said
Quote:
About the locks I'm not sure if you remember but last year there was one incident where J wandered outside alone going between eating at the table with me and going to the play room where you were, now after seeing Leila easily open the pantry and bathroom doors I am not comfortable having her have such easy access to the front and the garage. I hope you understand how I feel in not wanting my daughters curiosity and intelligence to lead to her being in a very dangerous situation. Guess this leads me to say that while I will be happy to meet you at the park, have you over to my apartment or go to story time I don't want to be in a place where I do not feel my daughter is safe.
I never demanded and wouldn't demand but I would not go over to her house anymore and meet her at other places and facilitate those meetings to the best of my ability.... I mean is that demanding I don't think it is but correct me if I'm wrong....

And we just had a break a year long one where I lived in Japan and visited twice and only saw the ILs a handful of times during those visits....
post #114 of 118
I may have missed an explanation somewhere. I kind of glazed over the replies but I thought it was a bit odd that you're so concerned about your child playing with orange play doh and *gasp* regular bubbles but not about smoking in the house where you and your child will be visiting.
post #115 of 118
I think it is the responsibility of the parents to watch the child, period. It is not the responsibility of other people to baby-proof their homes. If it's too stressful to visit and watch your kids, by all means, stay home.
post #116 of 118
Give it a rest treqi - they aren't going to conform to your idea of safety, ever. And save the letters for business relationships. Family, unless long distances away, generally involve a face to face, email or phone conflict resolution. I'd be pretty put off if a DIL of mine sent me a business letter "I'd like to inform you..."

You have two choices - deal with it and bite your tongue while watching dc yourself or don't go over there. If they ask explain that you don't expect them to baby proof their home to your standards so it's a lot of work and you'd rather meet elsewhere. IF they want to keep dd without you, say that you aren't comfortable being away from her yet. Frame it as YOUR issue, not theirs. Because quite frankly, it is your issue.

As for the play-doh and bubbles (and I know you were only venting) why not make a basket of outdoor stuff for the grandparents? There are some things I'm picky about so I buy it myself and phrase it as a "I'd thought it'd be nice to have some of these things over here" rather than a "ewwww, neon play-doh and toxic bubbles thing" - (not that you'd do that, just sayin').
post #117 of 118
So I have read the entire thread but decided to only address one issue.

The smoking - I am sorry but I will not tolerate anyone, and I mean anyone, exposing my child to second hand smoke. Our children have reactive airway disease so this is a huge thing for us. We do not allow people to hold our children who have been smoking or have the smell of smoke on their clothes. We do not take our children to anyone's house where someone has been smoking, even if they "aired the house out". (Side note: this actually was used to try to guilt us into taking our kids to BIL's house: But we "aired the house out all day just for your kids". Give me a break!!!) We do not even go to restuarants that have a smoking section.

Now this has been an enourmous (sp?) issue in our family. Just about everyone in DH's family smokes and doesn't care if children are present so we do not see them at all unless it is in a non-smoking location or in our own home. My mom also smokes but does not smoke in her home or car and is very respectful to our wishes. She even takes a shower before she is around our kids. You just can't ask for more than that.

Anyway, sorry for the novel and bad grammar.

Bottom line - Your the mom, You make the decisions. Don't engage in power struggles. JMHO
post #118 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post

If Cousin J is standing at your side and crying because she wants to "love gamma" and you are too "busy" playing Scrabble so you kinda hug her say i love you too but im too busy don't be surprised if I immediately pick J up and if im glaring sorry but that was complete BS right there
this really makes me sad - definitely can sympathize with this as my kids are competing with their grandmother's computer games . . . .
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