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Dear MIL... response post 18 - Page 2

post #21 of 118
Sorry, I agree with your MIL.
post #22 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by artemis80 View Post
Sorry, I agree with your MIL.
why? I get the feeling she expects me to leave dd with her (i actually did for 10min on saturday to run to the store(MIL can't really drive) then dd started opening doors and now I'm worried) especially since J's parents do all the time I would never allow them to drive her anywhere but now that they don't want to use the lever locks I'm not comfortable being there so she will never be there alone.
post #23 of 118
I understand an unsuitable house. My MIL's house used to be horrid. She had a ferrit that ran loose and they kept small tins of cat litter behind every door, and the thing used to still pooh all over the place. The house stunk. I would cringe every time I took a child over there, and really did not want to go anyways, but we went. I followed behind the babies to make sure they stayed out of the yucky stuff and out of trouble.

My mom's house is totally different. She like it clean. Perfect. And she has about a gazillion glass nick nacks that she HAS to have all over the place. On every table, every shelf, some even on the stairs and on the floor. EVERYWHERE! And she gets really uptight about having them touched. It is not exaclty the same safety issues, but it is close, as they are all breakable and glass. But I just deal with it. My mom does not like to come to my house because it is too "dirty" (meaning it looks like children live there) and makes her uncomfortable.

I don't go over to visit as often as I should, I suppose, but not because of those issues (more because I have a large family and life keeps us on the go a lot).

Perhaps I have just become more "layed back" about it all, having had seven babies running through the house over the years and dealing with this for over eighteen yeas now. But really, if I had waited until either my MIL's or my mom's house was suitable for a baby, I would have not visitied for 18 YEARS! And since I am baking another little one, it would still be a while yet. That is just too long for me to keep the children from visiting. They need to know their grandparents, even if they are not perfect. For the grandparents will not be here forever, and I really want my children to know them before time runs out. You never know what tomorrow will hold and when someone is going to be snatched away. They already missed out on knowing their grandfather, I will not take their grandmother away too.

Anyways, I am not suggesting one way or another for you, just explaining what my experience has been.
post #24 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
why? I get the feeling she expects me to leave dd with her (i actually did for 10min on saturday to run to the store(MIL can't really drive) then dd started opening doors and now I'm worried) especially since J's parents do all the time I would never allow them to drive her anywhere but now that they don't want to use the lever locks I'm not comfortable being there so she will never be there alone.
This is where I have drawn the line. I don't leave my babies with my mom, or MIL for that matter. Period. If I have to go somewhere I take them.

So, you can visit but not leave the baby. Sounds like the thing to do.
post #25 of 118
Thread Starter 
I also guess I don't agree with her
Quote:
J and Leila visit, and during the visit we devote our
attention to them
as I said earlier on Easter she repeatedly ignored J and FIL is a cool guy but I never expect him to give his full attention to dd or J I guess when we were playing Scrabble I got a score of 50 and SIL, BIL and MIL got way over 100 I think that would probably have to do with the fact that I was always more focused on dd and J than the game, because normally I'm pretty good at Scrabble
post #26 of 118
Thread Starter 
and for my last post of the night

dd is my first and i guess i have "high standards" but she will probably be my only so i really want to do the best i can to keep her out of harms way I am more than happy to facilitate visits(ie pick mil up and go somewhere else) but don't want to feel i'm not doing my best to keep dd safe I also forgot to mention that i have adult ADD (i know its all classified as ADHD now but i'm not really hyper) and when things get chaotic I like to know there are safe guards in place to help me I guess it also doesn't help that MIL and FIL are long time pot smokers and so in order for me to feel i have the situation under control I would at least like to know the order of likeliness of places my dd could be at any point in time(i would like the the garage and front of the house to be at the bottom of that list)
post #27 of 118
I have to agree with the PP's who said that it is not their responsibility to childproof their home for a visitor.

MIL and FIL have a house that we call "The museum" because it's full to the brim of breakables and collectables and all sorts of things that just make me want to run screaming. So, when we're there, we're always around DS. He doesn't go anywhere near the stuff unless an adult is with him. MIL has very expensive porcelain dolls, and the only time DS touched them is when she invited him to. They did borrow a baby gate when DS was smaller for the basement stairs, because there isn't a door to them.

Point is, he's our child, it's our responsibility to watch him and keep him out of trouble. Not MIL's responsiblity to put away her vaulables or modify their house to suit our needs.
post #28 of 118
Wow. I think she sounds really mean! Its not as if installing two childproof locks on her outside doors is going to ruin her home or make her life difficult. If you are going to have children over regularly I think you should make sure your home is safe for them. (I am not obsessed with child safety. We don't have stairgates or things like that, but I ALWAYS keep my doors locked when I have toddlers around. Once ds opened the front door and ran off down the street - naked!!!)

I think maybe you went about it the wrong way though. Why did you need to send a letter? Couldn't you have talked about it with your MIL? I think if you'd just showed up with the locks and reminded her about the time cousin J escaped and tell her you were worried/stressed that dd might escape too, and asked if you could install the locks then it might have gone better.

p.s - if the grandparents are drug users I would NOT be bringing my child to their home. Or having them watch my child. They could come to ours or we could meet up somewhere for a day out.
post #29 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
Well I guess I'll have to bring up the time J wandered outside when FIL, MIL and I were all there(I was kinda focused on feeding my dd but still feel horrible) and then explain that I don't feel comfortable with such easy to open doors and that I am sorry that we won't be able to visit their house until dd is older.
You already said you aren't visiting, you don't need to repeat that. They declined the offer, so now you have them to your house or meet at the park, unless you change your mind and relax your standards. You can't force them to do what you want. Now you work within the situation you have.
post #30 of 118
I have experienced *some* of the things you experience at your MILs at mine so I don't go there w/out DH. I understand that your DH is away and honestly if mine were away, I wound't go over there except for maybe a holiday. There is NO WAY I would be going over weekly. I find it exhausting to take my kids places that I KNOW they are safe forget about not safe. Now that 2 of my kids are older, I will let them stay there w/out me but not DD2 (she's 2.5). MIL is known for just disappearing to nap for hours and not designating the kids to anyone. I'm sure someone here will think I'm horrible but that's me. If it makes ANY difference, my ILs almost NEVER come here and we live about 40 minutes from each other. Good luck!
post #31 of 118
I think you are being a bit over the top and it has nothing to do with hating you. I can't recall reading your posts before. I was not going to post because you seemed to be venting and since I did not agree with your thoughts I didnt want to interupt your vent. Then I saw you were looking for replies.

Your husbands parents don't have to change thier house for you and your child. You also don't have to go over and visit. Nothing you have mentioned seems like a big deal. I have but one dd and I don't want anything to happen to her either, but I don't expect everyone to make thier house a harmless bubble because I visit.
I do expect no smoking, or else I don't visit. All dogs must be child-proofed or I don't visit. I dont expect peole to change thier lifestyles for me though.

If you visit keep your eye on your child.
Also-your MIL telling the other child that she loved them (and took the time to give a hug) but that she was busy, is a heck of a better response than most people rant about. I have certainly told that to my dd when I have been busy- and she was old enough to understand and not in great need of anything.
post #32 of 118
Sorry, I think you're being pretty rude and OTT towards your MIL. If someone emailed me and INFORMED me that they'd ordered some locks and expected me to install them before they next visited you can bet I'd 'decline' as well. It is not the person whose home you are visiting's job to watch your children while you do X and Y. If you can't trust that they are being watched properly then you'll just have to watch them yourself but you can't expect people to modify their homes to suit your personal preferences.

Oh, and I found your remarks about your niece and the Scrabble game rather strange as well -- you really think she's a terrible grandparent for simply telling a child that she's busy right now, giving a quick hug but not devoting her full attention to her granddaughter when she's in the middle of a game with other adults? I really don't see what's wrong with that. Kids bug adults at inappropriate times all the time, it won't kill them to learn to be patient or wait until later when Grandma or whoever can focus more on them. I don't think that's unreasonable. In fact, I think it's a good lesson for kids to learn. I don't know about you but I don't want kids who expect adults to drop everything for them every single time they open their mouths or want attention. Sometimes kids have to learn to wait for us just like we have to wait for them. It's give and take, not a dictatorship where the child always calls the shots.
post #33 of 118
If it's that important to you to be right, proceed. However, you would be burning serious bridges by bringing up past mistakes. Maybe you haven't lost your little one for a second or left something they shouldn't have where they could reach it and they got hurt. It happens, even to the most watchful parent.

As for the Scrabble thing, I've told my kids a million times I was busy, so has everyone else in their life. Kids don't have to be the center of the world to know they are loved. She was busy, she did hug him and love on him.

Tell your mil that the lack of door latches make you nervous, so you'd rather stick around and not run to the store while you visit. Teach your little one to wait for mommy before she opens a door.

If you want to turn it into a huge thing that's your right, but I honestly think you're being ridiculous and causing problems where there are none.
post #34 of 118
I have to agree with the pp's who said that you are expecting too much from your inlaws. They don't have to (and evidently won't) childproof their house to the point that you can play with your niece, chat with your SIL, and generally unwind a bit. It would be nice if they did, but it's not going to happen.

Your solution is to say that you will not take your daughter to their house any more even when you are there with her. Do you realize the level of conflict and resentment that is going to cause with your IL's? IIRC, you have only been back in the states for a week or so. Do you really want to get off to such an acrimonious start with your husband's family?

Maybe you could suggest some sort of middle ground. For example, don't visit so often, if it's stressful for you to have to watch your dd like a hawk during visits. Consider taking a few baby gates to limit your dd's access to unsafe parts of the house.

Also, I've got to say that you really don't seem to enjoy visiting your IL's much, and you come across as extremely critical of them. You don't like their (lack of) babyproofing; you don't like the couch in their playroom; you don't like they toys or even the playdoh that they get your daughter; and you even try to limit your daughter's time inside their house because you are afraid of "residual chemicals." You even classify a hug and a kind word as "ignoring" your niece. Unless you are an academy award winning actor, I'm sure that your IL's have picked up on how much you disapprove of them.

BTW, what does your SIL think of all this? She's the one who's daughter wandered outside, after all. Does she want lever locks on the doors too?
post #35 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by amitymama View Post
Sorry, I think you're being pretty rude and OTT towards your MIL. If someone emailed me and INFORMED me that they'd ordered some locks and expected me to install them before they next visited you can bet I'd 'decline' as well. It is not the person whose home you are visiting's job to watch your children while you do X and Y. If you can't trust that they are being watched properly then you'll just have to watch them yourself but you can't expect people to modify their homes to suit your personal preferences.
I agree with every word of this. And I thought your MIL's reply to you was reasonable and very tactfully-worded.

I have 5 years of experience with a situation almost exactly like yours (subtract the pot-smoking and add in some loaded hunting rifles and cow poop on the kitchen floor). I also have a BIL who has left his son with these grandparents for weeks at a time since he was a tiny infant.

But I would never dream of ordering them to change their home the way that you tried to. It's not my home, and my child is not their child. I choose how often to visit there, and I watch my child every.single.second we're there. I don't imagine that will be changing any time soon.

I also find your statement that you have "high standards because you this is your first, and likely only, child so you want to keep her out of harms way" a little offensive as well. Parents of multiple children work to keep them out of harm's way as well. And they often do that by not trusting their care to others who show themselves to be less than trustworthy. They forego things like chatting with others and running to the store alone in order to watch their children themselves.

It is very clear from your posts that you don't care for these ILs at all. I'm sure both they and your child have picked up on this. If you'd like to continue to have a relationship with them, I think it might be wise for you to realize that you can't (and shouldn't) try to change them. Accept them and their limitations or be prepared to deal with the consequences of alienating them from your child's (and probably your dp's) life.
post #36 of 118
I don't hate you. I don't even know you


I think you need to calm down. Yes, it would be nice if MIL put childproof locks on the doors. A better idea? While she's there, you supervise her, because a 20 month old child shouldn't be out of your sight in a house other than her own, anyway.


As for the orange playdough, I really, really, really think you need to relax. Really. I'm all about natural, organic, no toxic chemicals, and that took me very much aback.
post #37 of 118
My parents have the same type of doors on their house, and what we did after dd1 learned how to open them was to lock the doors to the outside with the deadbolt, because she wasn't able to reach it. DD2 can open the doors, but so far it hasn't occured to her to go outside without us, but I know it could happen at any time and we do keep an eye her - the house has a very open floor plan so it's easy to see where the kids are. Could this be a compromise?
post #38 of 118
I think you're in an uncomfortable situation right now. Yuck! I don't agree about the playdough and toys. I do know what you're talking about with inlaws. My inlaws want to do things with my children, but they want me to be there as a babysitter. For example, if they want to go to the zoo with the kids, they want me there too, so I can do the work of watching the kids and they get the experience of the zoo with the kids. Everything is on their terms and mostly an inconvenience to me. If they want to spend time with the kids, I'd like it to be to my advantage from time to time. I'd like to be able to relax or be comfortable enough to leave my children with them and take care of myself for a minute.

When you're there, you'd like to relax, but you're more stressed out than if you were at a park or at home. So visiting them feels like work to you. It's a favor to them at your inconvenience. That's ok sometimes, but when you start to feel like your being used for your children, it feels off somehow.

In your situation, I might send an email explaining that you can't relax at their house, so you'd prefer that they visit your house or go somewhere public. It's about you, not them. You can't relax and you feel that you have to be hypervigilante. Mention that you offered the locks so that you could relax there since you spend so much time there. You understand why they'd say "no," but you also have to respect yourself by not spending time somewhere where you're constantly "on guard."

So, you have picked one heck of a battle, but it might be because it's hard in this circumstance to put your finger on exactly why it bothers you so much.
Good luck.
Lisa
post #39 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa49 View Post
In your situation, I might send an email explaining that you can't relax at their house, so you'd prefer that they visit your house or go somewhere public. It's about you, not them. You can't relax and you feel that you have to be hypervigilante. Mention that you offered the locks so that you could relax there since you spend so much time there. You understand why they'd say "no," but you also have to respect yourself by not spending time somewhere where you're constantly "on guard."
:

We don't visit my MIL's house. We live far enough away that it's impratical to go often, but even when we were close it was too much work on my part. S-FIL is elderly and on many many meds and being a childfree house his meds are out and easily available to him. I never sat down, I was never 2 feet away from ds, but all I could think about was what if a pill fell on the floor and ds found it or what if ds pulled the giant glass and metal bookshelf over on himself while I was in the to the bathroom. Too much work.

So we meet out in public places. If we go to visit where they live we stay in a hotel and meet out in public places.
post #40 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnySlippers View Post
Also-your MIL telling the other child that she loved them (and took the time to give a hug) but that she was busy, is a heck of a better response than most people rant about. I have certainly told that to my dd when I have been busy- and she was old enough to understand and not in great need of anything.
oh no this was a "sigh i know i love you too" "yep im gunna give you a side hug with one arm and then have the other ready to unlatch you and get back to scrabble" it was pretty horrible
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