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Dear MIL... response post 18 - Page 5

post #81 of 118

take your "football" and go home, see what happens

quoted from Treqi:

"with dh he lives in Japan (military) and all of the kid stuff falls on me anyways.... and personally I don't want to follow dd around the whole time every time we go there (2-3 times a week for 1-5 hours) it just takes any enjoyment I might have gotten out the visit(playing with my niece or talking with my SIL) and really feel they should make a small effort to make their home a bit safer (they don't have any outlet covers, have chemicals under their kitchen sink and no cabinet lock, smoke in the house when there are no children there so it still stinks, barley ever have the heat on so it is absolutly frigid in the winter..... im sure there is other stuff but hey) I already hover in the kitchen and dd hasn't been to interested in outlets and I try to encourage outside activities when we are there to stay away from the residual chemicals...... ugh and on top of it all MIL is hugely passive aggressive and I have a really hard time dealing with it sometimes I almost end up either screaming or crying (normally bitching to my mom after ever visit with MIL)"

These people sound awful. I don't like them already. Reduce exposure to them, and find a wonderful other activity to replace those visits with. You can invite the grands sometimes, and to their invitations, learn to say, "I have to decline." Use that word, to help you remember when you're being buttonholed to do something you really need to think about before you decline.

I DEE-CLINE to accept your offer to visit your house right now.

Good luck. Don't be annoyed by posts from people who clearly don't know how it is with a narcissist nearby on the family tree. Not that your inlaws are narcissists, but I bet they KNOW some. Hah

Viewfinder
post #82 of 118
Treqi,
I think you are right to want those locks on. You see a real risk and your gut is telling you that you need to reduce that risk. I'd sit down with MIL and just explain that you are not trying to be difficult but you worry about your DD getting outside or into the garage.

I don't think it's just a matter of "watching your kids". Kids are fast and you might think they went into the other room and by the time you realize they didn't and open the front door they could be in the street. You are not being unreasonable, or paranoid, or overprotective or rude.

You are hardly asking them to childproof their whole home--though I do think grandparents should at least make a minimal effort. When my DS was 2 the door to outside at my MIL's house was often left wide open. I didn't ask, I just closed it. A sharp knife on an end table, I moved it up. Later MIL called because her partner couldn't find his knife. I just said to tell him to go where it was and then look up and it should be around there somewhere. Leave a knife out when you know kids are coming to stay for a few days, then you can expect it will get put up.

Your spouse is far away, I can totally see why you go over to your MIL's house and why, yes, you would like to relax a little bit over there. Going over there should take a little bit of the load off you. If MIL goes into another room to play with DD you should be able to enjoy that break and not worry that your DD is going to be able to wander outside.

Good luck. I don't think you are being unreasonable but I would try to reason nicely with MIL and FIL one more time and if they still "respectfully decline your offer" then they are the ones making the decision.
post #83 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anglyn View Post
I see that Im in the minority, but Im coming down on the op's side. I dont get the attitude that grandparents are soooooooooo important that its somehow the parents job to ensure that relationship even if the grandparents dont and wont.

I almost never, never, never go to my mothers home. Yes, she has stated her position absolutely clearly that she has raised her kids, done her tour of duty so to speak and now its her god given right to have a house full of breakables, above, at and below eye level to a toddler. Shiny, pretty ones that attract. And shes a total neat freak. And thats all ok, and she IS entitled to that. BUT......... I have three, count them THREE under four and it is not even remotely possible for me to sit on top of all three every single second. So....as they say, shit happens. When it does, when a plant gets knocked over or milk spilled on the table, my mother wails and screams and cries and carries on like someone has died while my children stand by with wide eyes looking guiltily confused.

So while she has the total right to a pristinely clean, sterile house with more knick knacks that the pottery barn.........I have an equal right to choose not to visit with my children because yes, it is too much work! She could child proof her home for her grandkids, she doesnt have to, but she could if that were what was important to her. It isnt. Maybe I was spoiled by my ex's parents who not only babyproofed but devoted an entire room to the grandkids and put treehouses and trampolines and swimming pools in the yard for them. Their grandkids were their first priority and I have never doubted, even through divorcing my ex, how much they love my oldest son. Heck, they even kinda dote on the three I have with dh! But I digress....

You see, its a simple matter of choices. My mother chooses her house the way she has it now over us coming over more often. I have flat out told her, politely, thats its just too much work. If Im nursing the baby and the three year old spills milk, I cant jump up right that moment to clean it up. And thats when she says "You shouldnt have had more than you can take care of" just as, when shes givng them the milk, she says, "you have to sit at the table at MY house, you cant just do whatever you want like mommy lets you" so I also dont appreciate the digs at my parenting skills much less insulting me to my own childrne who happen to love me and not because they are let to do whatever they want (this is based on cosleeping and ebf, which my mom thinks I should "just be the parent and tell them no, the word no wont kill them") Oh, arrrgh. anyway. But it really IS ok for me to say no, to her!

She wont come here. We live 15min apart and she says she'd come over if we "didnt live so far away". Huh? She ALWAYS wants me to come there, so yes, she wants to enjoy them at her convienance and my expense. I cannot relax over there, its more work than gong to walmart with all three of them and I just wont do it anymore. She never comes here. Never. She cant handle the mess (read: house with three under four and three over 15 plus the adults!)

I invite her places all the time. "We are on our way to Mcondalds, want me to stop and pick you up?", "We are on our way to the park that is two blocks from your house, want to come join us?" etc. and etc. She almost always says no. Her reasons? Laundry, house cleaning, hair washing (not kidding), bathing, changing the litter box. Because God forbid she stop cleaning for two freaking seconds. Although, she does spend hours everyday out shopping at thrift stores or the mall.

She quit work several years ago, so she has time, she doesnt choose to spend it with us.

So....to recap, she wont come to my house, never meets us anywhere else, turns down my invitations to pick her up and wont modify her house an inch. Now tell me why its my job to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to create and maintain HER relationship with my kids? Not feeling it. Grandparents CAN be important, but the simple fact of DNA doesnt mean Im obligated to do all the work. A litte give and take would be nice.
post #84 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
I am shocked that your ILs wont put 2 stinkin guards on those doors. It smells like a power game to me
I think in some respects you're right, but the OP is playing the power games, too. Plus, once there's a potential solution, then there are more and more and more problems that come up with the ILs. If they're that bad, then avoid them and be done. If they'd okayed the locks, then would she say she doesn't want them smoking in their home and she doesn't want MIL's sewing stuff in the play room (I don't even understand that gripe...) and then something else and something else. Then there's this issue with the neighbors that I don't quite get either, but I don't have significant experience with people who use coke or meth. I just don't understand how now these people being neighbors is contributing to not going to the ILs, and there's certainly nothing the ILs can do about that.

I'm guessing MIL knows it would be one problem after another. I also think they're probably resisting because it's sudden. You're really newly back from Japan, right? Maybe you all need to take a deep breath and get your bearings before you head down this road. Just take a few days not to see them and then go from there. We've had to do that with my ILs. In general, they're great, but we went through a period when we saw them so often, little things started driving me nuts. I really had to step back and take a break to get a clearer view on things.
post #85 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades View Post
I think in some respects you're right, but the OP is playing the power games, too. Plus, once there's a potential solution, then there are more and more and more problems that come up with the ILs. If they're that bad, then avoid them and be done. If they'd okayed the locks, then would she say she doesn't want them smoking in their home and
Nope I'll put up with the smoking and everything else I can manage that thi isn't really a power game for me at all I see an honest to goodness problem and I would like it fixed so I can focus on keeping dd away from everything else(the sewing the outlets and cleaning chemicals)

she doesn't want MIL's sewing stuff in the play room (I don't even understand that gripe...)
Then you have ever seen my MILs sewing "table" it is seriously a huge load of sewing stuff (little poofs with needles stuck in them, fabric, scissors, other craft stuff and then just bunches of stuff on the floor I dont even know whats there). Its horribly unsafe. This womans house is nowhere near neat

and then something else and something else.
Nope nope I'll let house modifications rest after this well unless they change something but I dunno......... she really is a bully and when it comes to other things like what I feed dd and apparently (SIL told me this yesterday) disciplining dd in her home(we're not talking about spanking or time out here MIL told SIL "don't discipline J in my home" this was after J had slapped MIL and SIL took her for a break and to talk to her about the situation) she always has something to say

Then there's this issue with the neighbors that I don't quite get either, but I don't have significant experience with people who use coke or meth. I just don't understand how now these people being neighbors is contributing to not going to the ILs, and there's certainly nothing the ILs can do about that.

Yeh I know.... its the fact that I was friends with these people up until a week ago and now I've found out about their new drug using and don't want them to see me and try and contact me but again there is nothing anyone could really do about that anyways
Bolding mine
post #86 of 118
What I'm beginning to not undestand, treqi, is why you are continueing to argue with posters here who don't agree with you, while you completely ignore other posters who totally understand your viewpoints and are offering you suggestions.


I get it. Other people here get it. Try some of the non-doohickey door blocking suggestions folks here have suggested. Try talking to them face to face again if you want.

If they don't get it, then there is really no obligation to carry your dd over there to a place where you can't trust she'll be safe....or either drastically reduce your visiting times and occassions.

I dont' understand why the argument must go on and on and on.....I was following this thread, but it's starting to get tiring. Exiting, stage right.
post #87 of 118
I havent read all teh responses, but I can appreciate how difficult it is to keep a child safe in someones un-babyproofed house. However, I dont think anyone is obligated to install locks or anything else because your child visits.
I also think you need to relax about the neon play dough. Its just not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
post #88 of 118
You're okay with them smoking in their house (around your child?), but neon playdough is a problem?
post #89 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by FancyD View Post
You're okay with them smoking in their house (around your child?), but neon playdough is a problem?
I try to keep dd outside but thats something I can't change......

Well she's not talking to me right now so compromising isn't an option but a gate might work.

In my last post I just wanted to answer BrandiRhoades statements of how I'm playing power games and not understanding how sewing stuff could be dangerous.........
post #90 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
I try to keep dd outside but thats something I can't change......

Well she's not talking to me right now so compromising isn't an option but a gate might work.

In my last post I just wanted to answer BrandiRhoades statements of how I'm playing power games and not understanding how sewing stuff could be dangerous.........
Honestly, now I am confused - if you try to keep your DD outside while visiting so that the smoking is not an issue then in reality the door locks and the sewing stuff really shouldn't matter either because both of those issues are inside the house as well.

It really is becoming apparent that the real issue you have with this house is its residents. If you don't want to visit your in laws while your husband is away then by all means tell them to visit you at your house, that it will be easier that way until your DH returns home and can be a second set of eyes while visiting.
post #91 of 118
I'll skip reading the rest of the posts implying how wrong or rude it is. IN my family, you childproof when the grands are frequently around. Period. Or we don't come visit because is visiting you means high stress for me, why would I?? If I can't take a break at all b/c your house is a huge danger zone, then I would rather stay at mine that I know is safe. My dad, my mom and my ILs all have some amount of child proofing. My mom had the most when she saw DS several times weekly. My dad has a fair bit, and my ILs have some. And my ILs have the best set up for keeping DC insside and safe. Heck, if asked or even hinted at, my dad's ex wife would happily baby proof anything in her home so my kids could come over. Frankly, lever locks are easily installed and easily removed between visits, so put em on when they arrive and pop them off when they leave. Call me mean, I'm fine with that, but if I'm going to be over the top stressed its not going to be so that you can see your grandkids.
post #92 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
Honestly, now I am confused - if you try to keep your DD outside while visiting so that the smoking is not an issue then in reality the door locks and the sewing stuff really shouldn't matter either because both of those issues are inside the house as well.
She still is inside quite a bit prolly 2hrs of the visit(3hr visit would be normal) and maybe 30min-45min in the playroom..... they are trying to quit and I want to try and help them for the next couple of months by taking MIL to smoking cessation programs if she wants to and informing her about our states smoking cessation websites and hopefully smoking won't be an issue soon.....
post #93 of 118
Yeah, the more information you give us, I'm not understanding at all why you would spend so much time with these people. I honestly don't know what I'd do if we had to frequent the home of people who smoke in their home - I guess I didn't realize people still did that!

So they smoke around your child and aren't willing to make small changes to make the home safer? Have you talk to your DH about this"? Do those things not bother him?

In an earlier response, I basically said "yeah, you're going to have to shadow her". And I stand by that, if you still insist on going there so much. Because they are not willing to change and you can't make them.

It's funny that many of us took your original letter to MIL as pushy and maybe a bit rude, because in every other aspect I am seeing that you are doing an awful lot to please everyone, except yourself. That must be very difficult for you.

And I don't get why one of the reasons you go to the in-laws so much is because your parents urge you to. Why would they do that?
post #94 of 118
We have a lot of infants/toddlers visiting our home. We have about 3 house rules that every child must follow. To us, they are reasonable (we do not have any children living with us. The rules are: (1) no standing/jumping on furniture; only butts go on the furniture -- we had a friend who thought her kids bouncing on the furniture was fun -- we didn't, so it's a house rule; (2) no drinks without lids on them unless you are at the kitchen table -- a friend with a 3-year old was annoyed, but her kid can't seem to not spill and doesn't like to sit at the table, so the house rule was made; and (3) nobody hits anybody -- ever.

We also ask for nice manners (asking permission, saying please and thank you, leaving electronics alone), but I wouldn't call it a rule.

It works for us; we have some baby gates that we use as needed and have yet to have a child over who can open our heavy inside doors. They are kept closed year round as we are either using heat or a/c.

I have friends who do not child-proof and amazingly the toddlers who visit seem to grasp that there are different rules at different places. Don't you expect your children to behave differently if they are at school or church or shopping? How will they learn if they are not exposed to different environments.

We love all the children who come our way and other than the bouncing child, everyone seems amenable.

Go with the flow . . .
post #95 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thebee321 View Post
And I don't get why one of the reasons you go to the in-laws so much is because your parents urge you to. Why would they do that?
I don't know either..... they know everything I have written in this thread, they smell the cigarette smell on our clothing, they have all sorts of babyproofing up yet still insist that I go see the ILs just as much as I see them .....well apparently because it isn't fair? Dh wants me to take her over a lot too but said that he won't take sides on this issue and whatever the outcome is he will be ok with.... so???
post #96 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarah0404 View Post
Wow. I think she sounds really mean! Its not as if installing two childproof locks on her outside doors is going to ruin her home or make her life difficult. If you are going to have children over regularly I think you should make sure your home is safe for them.
:
post #97 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
I don't know either..... they know everything I have written in this thread, they smell the cigarette smell on our clothing, they have all sorts of babyproofing up yet still insist that I go see the ILs just as much as I see them .....well apparently because it isn't fair? Dh wants me to take her over a lot too but said that he won't take sides on this issue and whatever the outcome is he will be ok with.... so???

Your parents probably don't want his parents to resent them. My MIL, who visits us often, always asks if my mom is planning to visit before she makes her plans (my mom lives further away and can't visit as often).

Anyway, Joy, I think if you can you should try to find a nice playgroup, so you could give your daughter a better outlet for play, and then you'd have reason not to spend so much time at the in-laws.
post #98 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
It really is becoming apparent that the real issue you have with this house is its residents. If you don't want to visit your in laws while your husband is away then by all means tell them to visit you at your house, that it will be easier that way until your DH returns home and can be a second set of eyes while visiting.
What she said.
post #99 of 118
treqi, is it possible to find an accord?

What I mean is, are you willing to consider other alternative means of providing safety you can feel secure with so that you aren't a basket of nerves when you make the obligatory visits?

You're clearly gonna continue to go over there. I think you may be seeking reciprocity from them in the form of compliance... they're not likely gonna recipriocate (can you accept it and go forth with a new plan?)... they may respond more agreeably if the notion feels like it was their own. Ex: "What are you ideas for keeping dd and J out of trouble when it comes to those doors, MIL?"
post #100 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by treqi View Post
I would be willing to talk about other options I she would talk to me but shes not.....Wouldn't you at least respond to this? Its not rude, it clearly explains me reasoning and I guess it feels really hostile to not respond at all to this or any other message/IM/phone call I've sent/made....
Stop emailing, calling, IMing. They've said "no" and you've said your piece. If you continue to call them, then you're giving your power away. You're the mother here and you've made your request. I don't think you were completely out of line to request what you did. They're ignoring you as a power play. Ignore them and either they'll go away or think about it and make some adjustments.

What they want is for you to apologize and for you to not make any requests of them. Maybe you picked a battle that in hindsight wasn't all that important, but now, since they declined and are ignoring you, you have to stand firm and take care of yourself. Lick your wounds and move on. Let his heal over and start new when all of you are ready. You need to relax and let them make the next move. Why give an ultimatum like that and then harass them for an answer? I think the answer has been given already. They'd rather lose you and thier grandchild than put locks on the door and humor you. I'm sure it hurts, but now you know. If you want a relationship with them, you'll have to be the one to make the sacrifices.
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