Originally Posted by Anglyn
I see that Im in the minority, but Im coming down on the op's side. I dont get the attitude that grandparents are soooooooooo important that its somehow the parents job to ensure that relationship even if the grandparents dont and wont.
I almost never, never, never go to my mothers home. Yes, she has stated her position absolutely clearly that she has raised her kids, done her tour of duty so to speak and now its her god given right to have a house full of breakables, above, at and below eye level to a toddler. Shiny, pretty ones that attract. And shes a total neat freak. And thats all ok, and she IS entitled to that. BUT......... I have three, count them THREE under four and it is not even remotely possible for me to sit on top of all three every single second. So....as they say, shit happens. When it does, when a plant gets knocked over or milk spilled on the table, my mother wails and screams and cries and carries on like someone has died while my children stand by with wide eyes looking guiltily confused.
So while she has the total right to a pristinely clean, sterile house with more knick knacks that the pottery barn.........I have an equal right to choose not to visit with my children because yes, it is too much work! She could child proof her home for her grandkids, she doesnt have to, but she could if that were what was important to her. It isnt. Maybe I was spoiled by my ex's parents who not only babyproofed but devoted an entire room to the grandkids and put treehouses and trampolines and swimming pools in the yard for them. Their grandkids were their first priority and I have never doubted, even through divorcing my ex, how much they love my oldest son. Heck, they even kinda dote on the three I have with dh! But I digress....
You see, its a simple matter of choices. My mother chooses her house the way she has it now over us coming over more often. I have flat out told her, politely, thats its just too much work. If Im nursing the baby and the three year old spills milk, I cant jump up right that moment to clean it up. And thats when she says "You shouldnt have had more than you can take care of" just as, when shes givng them the milk, she says, "you have to sit at the table at MY house, you cant just do whatever you want like mommy lets you" so I also dont appreciate the digs at my parenting skills much less insulting me to my own childrne who happen to love me and not because they are let to do whatever they want (this is based on cosleeping and ebf, which my mom thinks I should "just be the parent and tell them no, the word no wont kill them") Oh, arrrgh. anyway. But it really IS ok for me to say no, to her!
She wont come here. We live 15min apart and she says she'd come over if we "didnt live so far away". Huh? She ALWAYS wants me to come there, so yes, she wants to enjoy them at her convienance and my expense. I cannot relax over there, its more work than gong to walmart with all three of them and I just wont do it anymore. She never comes here. Never. She cant handle the mess (read: house with three under four and three over 15 plus the adults!)
I invite her places all the time. "We are on our way to Mcondalds, want me to stop and pick you up?", "We are on our way to the park that is two blocks from your house, want to come join us?" etc. and etc. She almost always says no. Her reasons? Laundry, house cleaning, hair washing (not kidding), bathing, changing the litter box. Because God forbid she stop cleaning for two freaking seconds. Although, she does spend hours everyday out shopping at thrift stores or the mall.
She quit work several years ago, so she has time, she doesnt choose to spend it with us.
So....to recap, she wont come to my house, never meets us anywhere else, turns down my invitations to pick her up and wont modify her house an inch. Now tell me why its my job to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to create and maintain HER relationship with my kids? Not feeling it. Grandparents CAN be important, but the simple fact of DNA doesnt mean Im obligated to do all the work. A litte give and take would be nice.