How did you "break it" to your extended family?

[Bridie's Mama]

Just curious how you told your extended family (i.e. the grandparents or other important people in the lives of your kids) that you'd be h/s. Specifically I am asking about the people who were very skeptical. Did you arm yourself with literature & sit them down one day, or did you write a letter & then have the discussion, or just tell them outright one random day? I have a while before I'll need to do this, but with my in-laws in town this weekend, they made a comment how my dd will be fooling all her teachers someday & I thought, nope she won't because that'll be me! I didn't say anything though b/c she's only 2 1/2 so school really isn't a topic of conversation yet. But with all these kids going to 3 year pre-k I bet it'll come up soon. My parents who are a very big part of our kids lives are very supportive, however, my in-laws will be verrrry skeptical. In fact I'm losing confidence already & we haven't even started yet!!!! Is this an unfounded fear? (Losing confidence that is) I know this is OUR life & our kids lives, etc, etc, but come on Mamas, other people's opinions matter to you if they are important to you. Not that we'll change our minds or ways because they don't agree with our lifestyle, but they still matter. I'm curious how you did it. Please share!! Thanks!!

[elizawill]

i did not invite extended family into a conversation with us about homeschooling. we told them our choice, but it was not open ended for input from them. even though i was scared and nervous and anxious and at times found myself freaking out big time about our decision.... i NEVER discussed those feelings with extended family. instead, i would talk to other homeschoolers who could reassure me and help through it all. imo, do not try and convince your family or in-laws or try too hard to explain it to them (or seek approval is more what i'm trying to say). just inform them of your decision with confidence. if they need to reassure themselves, you can offer literature or let them google it themselves.....it doesn't take but a few minutes on the computer to realize homeschooling is a very big big world that many families choose

[Arduinna]

double post fairy is busy today apparently.

[Arduinna]

Yeah, my mom knows better than to do anything other than nod and say ok about my parenting decisions. I think it came up in casual conversation when someone else brought up school. I just said, oh we are HSing. Period.

I did discuss it more with my BFF, but we have a relationship where we talk about the pros and cons of stuff and support each others decisions. My mom on the other hand is the epitome of sheeple and is incapable of thinking outside the box or supporting different choices so I don't discuss my decisions with her, although I will sometimes inform her, just to get to not waste her time spinning her wheels on something that isn't applicable.

My MIL doesn't get involved in our parenting choices at all. She just accepts whatever we say.

[Nemmer]

When we withdrew DS1, I didn't make an announcement about it. Hubby was so excited about the decision that he did tell a couple of his brothers without it really coming up in the conversation naturally, but I just waited until it came up. With MIL, she asked something about DS's school schedule, and I just told her that we had started homeschooling, and then outlined our new schedule for her (so she would know when we'd be home). She has learned not to argue with my parenting choices to my face, but I know the news quickly spread to the rest of the family as she did the gossip round to share her "concerns."

I was really nervous telling my own parents. The little kid in me is still very scared of disappointing them, ykwim? So with my mom, it came up in conversation too, and I tried to mention it as casually as I could. She did ask more questions, but I took the stance of explaining sincerely how we made that decision, and how I was able to reassure my OWN fears about going down this path. That seemed to help, and I honestly think my mom is excited to see how well DS does with it. I think my dad is a little more worried about the choice, but he'd never say so. His response was, "Oh."

Really, I get the most flack from MIL, and if she goes on too long about it, I just state that it works for our family and DS is thriving, so we'll keep doing it as long as it is working. She's had 5 years of disagreeing with our choices, so I think she's getting less vocal about her opinions.

[Sharlla]

Well DH and I are known for being "weird" so we just told them, we mostly got "but what about socialization" So all these years later we sometimes still get flack from DH's family, what annoys me is when they test him by asking him questions.

[Leersia]

We told my MIL and FIL at last Christmas when there was other family around. I knew that she, in particular, would have a hard time with the idea, and she really did seem thrown for a loop - you should have seen the look on her face. "They're NOT going to school next year??"!! she gasped. We were really positive about it, and just sort of - made an announcement, casually .

I think she talked to some people - I don't know who but I thank them heartily - who pointed out the advantages to them personally. They live about an hour away, so now they get to see them more during the week. They also try to help, god bless 'em - e.g., she buys us nice magazine subscriptions, and will take them to a play this week that is in the morning during school hours. Really, I think they just had an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude about it, which is great.

Of course, they are under the impression that this is a temporary arrangement. So we'll see how they react when they hear about next year's HSing plans!

[Nemmer]

Originally Posted by Leersia

Of course, they are under the impression that this is a temporary arrangement. So we'll see how they react when they hear about next year's HSing plans!

Oh yes. This is my MIL too. We were at dinner once and she asked, "Now is [DS1] in Kindergarten this year?" (I had already told her we homeschool -- I guess she forgot?) I explained again that we homeschool. "So does he go to any school at all?" I explained that he goes in to his old Kinder class once a week for therapies, but we do the rest at home. She had this confused look for a moment, then asked, "So... will he go to Kindergarten next year?"

Now that she understands a little more, I think she totally thinks this is just "until he can handle being in gov't school (ie. away from his mom) all day."

[LilyGrace]

This might be because we don't live near family or because I don't give a flying flip about anyone else's opinion when it comes to my children, but -

I didn't tell anyone until we were doing it. Then if they asked about school, it was mentioned casually. Most of my ex's extended family didn't know until we got here to visit. I don't have any intention of discussing our choice with anyone outside the inner family. His schoolbooks are sitting right here in my room so if they'd like to look at them, they can. Mostly the ones who don't get it are the older ones, the greats (aunts/uncles). Course, I'm the strange one here who recycles, eats salad, uses organic hair/body products, and gives her booster seated-9yo-kid carrots instead of chips. I guess they figure homeschooling is another one of those "hippy" things.

[umbrella]

Telling people wasn't really an issue. It usually came up in conversation naturally. I certainly didn't phrase like I expected opposition, or would even entertain an argument about it. If someone mentioned school, I'd just say, "Oh, we'll be homeschooling." Or early on it was more, "I've been leaning towards homeschooling."

I think a couple of people asked why, but I most got, "Oh." Sometimes with something positive said.

Now, that said, I did recently endure my first negative interaction with family regarding homeschooling (my oldest is 7, fwiw). I'll be honest and say that as soon as I heard that MIL started volunteering in her friend's classroom, I thought, "Now she's going to think she knows everything there is to know about education, and pass this helpful info on to me." Plus, I really expected that whatever this teacher thinks about homeschooling, will significantly affect how my MIL views homeschooling, though she was officially in favor it.

So this aforementioned negative interaction, ended up with MIL crying at me in a public restaurant that she is SCARED for my dd1. I could not believe it. We were at lunch together, and she starts saying to dh, about our parenting (she gives us the run-down on everything dh's siblings and step-siblings do "wrong," so I guess she thought it was our turn), and lucky for us, the "only" thing that bothers her, she said, "Now, the only thing that bothers me is that she's not reading yet." Now, to clarify, dd1 actually IS reading at grade-level. She however, did not want to perform for MIL, and so MIL takes this as "not reading."

As soon as she made the, "the only thing that bothers me," comment, I interrupted and said, "This is not up for discussion." She continued, and I repeated, "This is not up for discussion." I mean, she was sitting right next to dd1. We all sat in silence for a couple of minutes, and then I broke it by saying, "I understand that you only said anything out of a place of love, but I don't want to feel like my family is being examined and judged, and I need you trust that I have my children's best interests at heart, and that I'm competent enough to see it through."

And that's when she started crying, saying how scared she was. She went into this teary rant about how she knows that dd1 knows such much about science and other things, but you need to know that other first graders etc., and she's just so bright I hate that this is happening to her, etc. I think my eyes just popped out of my head at that point, because I don't remember anything except the fact that dh took over then.

I guess my MIL's insecurities are on my side somewhat, because I think at her core, she fears that if she makes me too mad, I'll keep her grandbabies from her. I have never ever suggested such a thing, but I think that's her fear nonetheless. So it hasn't been brought up since that lunch.

I told dh though, that I anticipate going through the roof, in the near future. I *know* I just *know* that when MIL finally does get dd1 to "perform" and MIL considers her a Reader, that she won't be able to help telling me how relieved she is that dd is FINALLY reading. And go on about how worried she'd been, and thank god everything is okay now.

[hipumpkins]

It was a slowe process b/c the decision was not definite immediately. I was looking into it and learning about it and considering it and my parents knew that. My parent's only question to me was, "how will you teach math?" (not my best subject
Now that the decsion has been made my mom sends me interesting links that she thinks the kids will like or other educational info. She also works for a school system and she got for free a TON of textbooks and sent them to me.
She didn't know that I really couldn't use most of them but she said, "if you can use them great if not just donate them"
So I donated most of them and kept a few that looked interesting. Mostly science and english stuff.

My IL's were totally different. They suspected somehting was up when DD wasn't going to preschool and MIL just out right asked, "well is she going to Kindergarten?"
Well...i said no and a huge fight ensued with them yelling at me and accusing me of all sorts of crazy things b/c they are also still mad about DS not being circ'd.
So they didn't speak to me or the kids for 6 mos and finally MIL gave in and said, "we'll just agree to disagree and never discuss it"
fine whatever..but she is missing out b/c she is not a part of my homeschool blog and she doesn't get to hear about all the cool things we do or places we go.
And she gets to stay in the dark and have her crappy opinion and never be enlightened about anything. Her opinion is law and that's it...otherwise no one discusses it. Crazy right?

[Sasha_girl]

Originally Posted by elizawill

i did not invite extended family into a conversation with us about homeschooling. we told them our choice, but it was not open ended for input from them. even though i was scared and nervous and anxious and at times found myself freaking out big time about our decision.... i NEVER discussed those feelings with extended family. instead, i would talk to other homeschoolers who could reassure me and help through it all. imo, do not try and convince your family or in-laws or try too hard to explain it to them (or seek approval is more what i'm trying to say). just inform them of your decision with confidence.

I agree.

For any of our (many) unpopular/unmainstream decisions I've simply stated our choice in a matter-of-fact manner. I was raised in a really controlling household so I have this intense need to show independence--I don't try to convince people of why I made decisions that are none of their business.

I would just mention it in passing:

"Is Georgie excited about going to school in the fall?"

"Actually we're going to homeschool Georgie. He is very excited. What were you saying about Aunt Fay's broken hip?"

If they want to ask questions (not leading, passive aggressive ones) I'll answer them but I don't do the gather-literature-like-I'm-trying-to-sell-cheap-long-distance-phone-service. I refuse to debate the issue.

I figure that people don't justify their decisions to CIO, formula feed, circumcise, etc etc etc. I'm not going to justify my decisions either. :

[Sasha_girl]

Umbrella and Hipumkins, whoa. That's intense.

I've mentioned before that my dh's family staged an intervention with hs'ing being a subject (probably, really, the reason why I refuse to get into combative discussions on the matter) of concern.

We had gone to Florida for Florida BIL's wedding. Holden was six months old at the time so they couldn't believe that I wouldn't let MIL give him cereal (he didn't eat solids until he was almost a year old) and that I wasn't starting to wean him (imagine their dismay when he didn't wean for another nearly three years). He wasn't vaccinated (none of the kids are but I don't think they knew that) and we used cloth diapers. The basinette that MIL had bought us stored the cloth diapers since we co-slept from day 1. It was clear that we are a no-spanking family. Plus, on top of everything else, it was late summer and we'd done nothing to enroll dd in the local kindergarten. I had even, of all things, brought the Oak Meadow curriculum that I'd bought with me to read it on the trip.

This was very, very 'out there'. MIL is this Italian Catholic who fancies herself the family matriarch. She wants everyone to ask her blessing for everything and defer to her for decisions.

Anyway, we were in Florida for the wedding. MIL was there, of course, and Oklahoma BIL had flown in for the occasion. We'd gone out for dinner and Oklahoma BIL, after a few beers, started saying that Florida BIL and his fiancee had been discussing some of our parenting decisions with him in hopes that he could 'talk some sense' into us.

Of course, I'm stone sober and had really only gone because of dh, so I'm gnawing at the inside of my cheek to keep my mouth shut.

Florida BIL and his fiancee showed up at the restaurant and they all (MIL included) started in on how we were really going to ruin our children. If they didn't die of the chicken pox they would be illiterate, antisocial anarchists. And, really, why did we bother with cloth diapers on vacation?! (Actually ds ended up being allergic to disposables, even though we had already planned to cd. We didn't have a choice and, luckily, the condo has a washer and dryer) They had privately agreed to disagree but the entire homeschooling thing was just too much.

Kids need to be in school. Sure, dh and I are smart and they weren't debating that but kids 'need' the institution of school in order to have a well-rounded education. In order to be properly socialized. The entire issue was just too out there and we were taking our natural parenting too far.

It was so uncomfortable. I was tired from the trip and just in shock because they'd obviously carefully orchestrated and scripted this.

I tried to politely stammer that these decisions were ours to make, period. DH tried to rally and give some statistics about this and that (I can't remember about what, maybe vaccine ingredients or something) but I was just seething.

I decided then and there--never again. I will not be on the receiving end (and, of course, not the giving end) of this again. I will be assertive about my rights and my children's rights. I will make it clear that homeschooling (and other things that we do) are non-negotiables and I'm not going to defend it.

[SarahLi]

Everyone with whom the subject has come up knows that we are planning to hs, pretty much since our son was born, and have been quite positive.
The most negativity we have gotten was some "reservations" from my aunt, who was a children's librarian, because of some poor homeschooling examples she's seen. However she did acknowledge that she has seen excellent examples of hs children as well.
I just say, we want our son to have a better education than we both received; however, if it's not working for our family, then we are both wise enough to look at other options (i.e public or private school).

Stating that you want the best for your child, but if it doesn't work out you have the right to change your mind is something that people can't really argue against

[SinginMamaTo2]

Originally Posted by Sasha_girl

I figure that people don't justify their decisions to CIO, formula feed, circumcise, etc etc etc. I'm not going to justify my decisions either. :

Well said!! I'm finally beginning to see the light. I used to feel like I had to justify all sorts of issues. Extended BFing, APing, co-sleeping, non-vaxing. Now homeschooling. After reading all these wonderful posts - today, I draw the line!!!

My new mantra -- "Thanks for your interest, but it's not up for discussion."
Amen.

[phathui5]

I said, "We're going to homeschool." I didn't feel like I had to defend it or break it to them, because I'm comfortable with our decision. So while I'd rather they not give me crap about it (and luckily they don't), their opinions really don't matter.

[JamesMama]

I've just told my parents "I'm planning on homeschooling the kids." and left it at that. They are allowed to have their opinions just like I'm 'allowed' to not give a hoot about their oppinion. For the people that are REALLY vocal about it I pull the "My kid MY rules" card or the "You had your chance to screw up your kids your way, it's my turn to screw up my kids my way."