How do I get past the fear???

[Apple Girl]

I'm 33 weeks now, and my due date is looming ever closer. With my first DS, I did just about everything wrong - I was going for an all natural birth, but tried to do that in the hospital with a not very pro-natural birth group of doctors. I was naive, and allowed them to intervene when things weren't going quickly - I wasn't progressing, so they broke my water, which made contractions intensely painful, but I still wasn't dialating much... fast forward another 12 hours of hard labor with no progress and I had an epidural just to get a rest. An hour later, I was fully dialated and he was born.

Now, I am hoping to have the birth I'd dreamed of with my first son - intervention free, on my terms - and so I'm working with a great midwife, and planning a home birth. But for some reason, especially recently, I just can't get over my fear that I won't be able to do this. I keep thinking, I couldn't do it the first time around, how on earth will I be able to do it now?

Has anyone else been through this? How did you get past the incredible fear of a second birth after a difficult first birth?


(I posted something similar a few minutes ago, but for some reason my post didn't go through. I'm relatively new here and can't figure out how to delete the other one... sorry!!)

[MissyLissa]

I can't answer your question from experience since I've only given birth once and it was also a hospital managed nightmare despite my hopes of going natural. But I do have to say that before we headed for the hospital my labor was progressing slowly but surely and I was handling the contractions really well. As soon as we got in the car to leave my labor virtually stopped (which led to pitocin once admitted) and from that point on I couldn't handle the pain nearly as well. There's a lot to be said about the fear-tension-pain cycle. If you feel comfortable at home and your midwife doesn't do too much to manage your labor you will probably have a much better experience and be able to cope with the pain better.

[alegna]

I can't answer specifically because I had a homebirth for my first.

Which I think is a WHOLE different creature than hospital birth.



-Angela

[enchantedlife]

Hi! First off, I would read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. She explains the difference between a hospital birth and a home or birth center birth, and they are worlds apart! You have nothing to worry about. Homebirths are so much calmer and more serene. You'll feel like you're floating along. It won't feel rushed or like you're being pushed into things like with your first. It's just a totally different experience. Secondly, are you taking any sort of natural childbirth classes? Even if this is not your first time giving birth, it is your first time going naturally, and it will really help to hear stories from your instructor and other BTDT moms! Good luck!

[mommyminer]

Trust your body.... you can do this. Also, as alegna pointed out, homebirth is really different than hospital birth. The energy is just different. Personally, reading natural birth storie inspires me.... even after working in the birth field for 7 yrs and have 2 unmedicated and 1 homebirth. I read birth stories when I'm not pg and read em a lot when I am pg.

[Mama2Kayla]

I went though a similar situation with my first. I was pressured into an induction at 42 weeks, which led to a cascade of interventions. They broke my water at 1cm, and cranked up the Pit. I was in sooo much pain, I caved and begged for an epidural. Lots of regrets with my first birth.

2nd birth was a planned hb with a midwife. It was a 6hr labor. Midwife arrived, and I was already dialated to 5-6. Totally different experience! The thing that gave me peace was faith in my body. I believed that if left alone, my body would do what it is suppossed to do. I would only be given as much as I could handle. It was this thought that gave me peace.

At home, you are so much more relaxed. There is no where to go, and it's your turf. That alone can make the pain seem like so much less, IMO.

Good luck mama!

[*MamaJen*]

Welcome! Have you seen the birth stories page? I found that really helpful preparing for my birth. You sound like you're pretty informed already, but I'd say reading up on natural birth would make you feel that much more confident. HAving a good midwife and a good support system is important too. Oh, and my advice? Do a waterbirth. I heart me some portable hot tubs during labor.
Everyone I've talked to who's had a hospital birth followed by a homebirth says the homebirth is so much less painful. I mean, it's labor, and of course it will hurt. But for me it wasn't anything close to unbearable. I'd have another homebirth in a heartbeat.
Good luck!

[EarthsSpiral]

Originally Posted by enchantedlife

First off, I would read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.

I second this! I am approaching my EDD as well and planning a HB. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow. I was induced with my first and by morning my contractions had stopped but the cervidil (sp?) had dilated and effaced me so then they started pitocin and I was so exhausted from not sleeping the night before and got an epidural. So, I have never really felt labor at all and am very nervous about that! I just remember being in a lot of pain afterward. I saw the Business of Being Born and it really helped to boost my confidence. To see the woman labor on the film, even ones that had a rough go, seem to be able to handle themselves.

[amyaebi]

I just wanted to share my story.

My first was a cytotec induction that lasted almost 48 hours (at 42 weeks). It took forever just to have a contraction. My epidural was too strong, I pushed like a madwoman (because I couldn't feel a thing) and ended up with a 4th degree tear. When I got pregnant again I was terrified because I was positive that there was something wrong with me, that I could never go into labor or deliver my baby without interventions.

Well, my second birth was nothing like the first. My water broke in the morning. I used my breast pump in the early afternoon to start contractions. After four hours of pretty easy labor I pushed out my baby in two contractions. I felt awesome!

You can do it!

Amy

[3cuties]

I think labor prep helps alot. Bradley method, Hypnobabies (which has a specific lesson dealing with fear releasea), Birthing from Within -- I would take advantage now and quickly and read these. Also read Ina May Gaskin, Penny Simkin -- all of that will give you techniques to help you achieve what you want. And when you know that you have tools to help you accomplish this -- it will help you feel confident.

Also, do you have a doula? That may be helpful as well.

[tireesix]

My first was an unnecessary induction at 38-40 weeks (they decided I was 42 weeks and bullied me into it, I knew better but was terrified, my DH was prepared to back me up but I was ultimately left wwith the decision). Induction was started and stopped over 3 days, by the third day I wanted to go back home (they kept stopping it due to delivery rooms becoming full), they told me if I went home and something went wrong it would be my fault, so I stayed. Next day, they broke my wateers, I shoulda just walked the day before but I was scared, I didn't want to hurt my baby. I ended up with an epidural whichich didn't work so they had to resite it, MW was too tired and I ended up with an unnecessary ventouse delivery. They would talk beehind my back, they were rude, theyy ignored me, the Ob gave me a suppository without asking me first, he sewed me up wrong, he was rough, they wouldn't give me a local even though I could feel him sewing etc etc etc etc........

Anyway, second birth was a planned homebirth, I totally panicked during the whole pregnancy, read childbirth without fear and ina mays books...... Still freaked out about the birth, the day finally arrived and it was ok, I still panicked at times during the birth but I survived lol.

For what its worth, I think some people can get past the fear and I think others can't, I am on thrid prergnancy now and I am freaking out more than I did with my second. I have had counselling etc but that first birth is etched into my memory and every fibre of my being. I just try and get on with it lol. The second birth was enjoyable so i just don't get why I can't shake that first birth......... I feel kinda broken I guess....... The hospital totally broke where pregnancy and childbirth is concerned...... Or maybe I just needed more time, I don't know.

[cnh1979]

I'm only pregnant with #1 right now, switching to a HB late but just in time it seems, but even I know what it feels like to worry it won't work out. But if the HB doesn't work out for someone, it's not because of something they did, and mom and baby still turn out fine even with intervention. You said you did things wrong the 1st time, no you didn't. You may have chosen the wrong person to work with, but for all you know, your 1st delivery may not have been as difficult and you could've done it had THEY not gotten in your way. It sounds to me like you wanted to listen to your body, which was right, and "the professionals" did not. I think the best thing you can do is not dwell on the past and instead focus only on the present. I've heard that every pregnancy and labor is different even for the same woman, so there's no reason to think each one won't get better and better.

[Apple Girl]

Thanks everyone, that's really just what I needed to hear. I read Ina May's Guide to Natural Childbirth earlier in my pregnancy, and I remember it giving me a lot of confidence, so I think I will read it again to hearten up. I go in and out of being scared, but I gues there's only one way out from here and it's just to go through it. I am really hoping that laboring at home will be different from the hospital... I guess there I just felt such a pressure to "perform" and be the "A student" that when I wasn't progressing quickly and smoothly it freaked me out, which probably stalled me even more (and led to all the interventions).

A good friend of mine, actually the one who introduced me to the idea of having a homebirth, always says she's amazed I was able to do it at all in a hospital setting, given how quick they are to try to intervene and "fix" all of your problems, even if you're not having any. So I just have to remind myself that this time will be different...

[janasmama]

Originally Posted by Apple Girl

A good friend of mine, actually the one who introduced me to the idea of having a homebirth, always says she's amazed I was able to do it at all in a hospital setting, given how quick they are to try to intervene and "fix" all of your problems, even if you're not having any. So I just have to remind myself that this time will be different...

This is so true...so many women always say..."I don't know how you women give birth at home without drugs, I could never do that"

My reply is "If you can give birth in a hospital...on your back....you'll have no problem with an unmedicated birth where you get to assume your own position."

[Treeof3]

I too have had one of each... My hospital birth was natural though and the nurse (who was awesome) actually told me that the cx looked like pit ones on the monitor even tho I wasn't hooked up to anything (hep lock only). I can see how the hospital telling you you stalled and then intervening would create more tension on top of being "out of your nest".

Being at home is more comfortable bc its your environment, your stuff and your usual "naked zone". There are no strangers walking in to check your twat, shove fingers or worse, ignore you. At an hb you have all the support you want from your dh and mw and whoever else you want there. Just the air is different bc those there know they are there to help you - almost like a wedding day! Your mw should know your fears about feeling stalled and painful. She will probably refrain from telling you exactly what is going on dilation wise so you don't stress out. The doctors are the ones with a strict timetable (1cm an hour, please!) but at home you won't be under that sort of pressure. Even if you are only at 6 cm for 3 hours it doesn't mean that in the next 15 minutes you won't be at 10. Cervixes have a way of slamming open particularly in unmedicated natural birth situations. In addition, your mw will probably not check you nearly as often as the hospital did so you will have to rely less on that number and more on yourself and your intuition and what your body is telling you to do (like push! instead of being told "you are complete lets push now") You should know that when you think you can't handle it anymore you will be nearly done. How many stories have you heard of people who say "I couldn't take it, I had to get the epi but 30 minutes later it was time to push" They try to credit the epi when really it was the progress they were making that made them want to give up and the real reason they were complete in that amount of time.

You can do it and sister, you will feel SO empowered you won't know what to do with yourself!

[Carlyle]

Another thing you can think about is that you HAVE done it before! Even if you had interventions, you pushed your baby out...no c-section. So you have a "proven pelvis" that gets it done even WITH the epi. You know? Despite the interventions, you were still able to have a vaginal birth. So imagine NO interventions...even better. Right?

[2+twins]

Originally Posted by Carlyle

Another thing you can think about is that you HAVE done it before! Even if you had interventions, you pushed your baby out...no c-section. So you have a "proven pelvis" that gets it done even WITH the epi. You know? Despite the interventions, you were still able to have a vaginal birth. So imagine NO interventions...even better. Right?

I've only had homebirths but I do firmly believe that when you're in your own space (and don't have to worry about going anywhere), the dynamic is just so different. I like to think about pain & homebirth like this. When I'm feeling really rotten, where do I want to be? Home. That's the place where I feel the most comfortable even though I don't have any special "stuff" there. So birth isn't like being sick but you can feel mighty uncomfy and for me I know I'd rather be nowhere else but in the comfort of my own space, on my own terms, with the people I chose to surround myself with.

Also, if you haven't already you might want to read Birthing From Within and do or really think about some of her healing exercises. Fwiw, I think you'll do great though!

[laoxinat]

I devoured the stories in Spiritual Midwifery before my HB! Though, having reread it recently I was a little surprised at how many inverventions they fairly routinely describe. Still, the stories are so beautiful and the trust Ina May has in the power of women to birth their babies is incredibly heartening and inspiring. I too had a very intervened-in hospital birth, escaping a section by pure, dumb luck. It felt like some nightmare rollercoaster ride. While pooping a 7 lb bowling ball BUT! My DD's HB was absolutely NOTHING like DS's birth. I was much better prepared, and my MW reminded me a lot that the fears I had were around losing control of the situation. The difference is, it's okay to lose it at home, because you're safe - nobody is going to call for an emergency section b/c you lose your nerve . There are people to support you, love you through it and remind you that everything is normal and okay. And this helped, too. I made myself just SIT with my fear. I welcomed it. Let it into my heart and wrapped it in a big hug. It was amazing how well that worked (thanks, Phred!). You'll be fine, mama. You are doing exactly what you need to do - dealing with the fear now, so you can help yourself let it go. Sweet, happy labor vibes, mama!!

[loraxc]

I also had a very hard first birth that ended in Pit and epidural for a variety of reasons. Although I was basically forced into those meds kicking and screaming, I still blamed myself and felt like a failure. I had a LOT of fear going into my second birth that I would "fail" again.

At the end of pregnancy, I watched positive birth videos over and over. I also listened to a hypnobirthing script every night.

And I had an absolutely AMAZING second birth (at home). I didn't use hypnosis during labor, but I think all the practice deeply relaxing really helped me relax between contractions. I cannot express to you how healing the birth was for me. I have regained love for myself and confidence in myself that were lost for four years after DD's birth. You can do it. You will be amazed how different it is with a supportive birth team in your own home.

[DoomaYula]

My first birth (twins) I had an epidural.

My second birth, I had a shot of stadol, and would have had an epidural, but the anesthesiologist was busy (I was begging for one and totally thought my dh and doula were lying to me that he was busy .

My third birth was a homebirth without any drugs or interventions.

I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it, after having 2 hospital births with interventions and drugs, but I did it. But during my pregnancy, I was scared.

And I can tell you, although that labor didn't hurt any less than with the first three, the situation was totally different. It was easier in that sense. I felt *better* somehow. I was surrounded by 3 people who loved me, not just people who were on the clock and getting paid.