family: to tell or not to tell?

[1972momma]

OK, so I've posted before about dealing with unsupportive family, but, is there anyone out there who kept their plans a secret, even from family that would have been supportive (or would have been open to being supportive?)?

My family would go crazy, so that's pretty much off the table, but my husband's family is a little more open-minded, plus there are a few of them that already know that homebirth is "on the table," so to speak, so, I know we could tell them and probably deal with anyone's concerns without too much drama ...

BUT ...

I really like the idea of not having anyone "in our business," if you know what I mean.

SO ... maybe my more specific question is this: Do you think that other people's worries, even if not expressed aloud, can affect how you're feeling in the lead-up to the birth? Or is it possible to just make a sort of psychic decision for oneself that no one else's "stuff" is getting through, and therefore everything remains positive and beautiful? Or, if people are thinking things and burning up the phone lines, will that affect you, even if you don't hear it directly?

Hopefully someone knows what I'm talking about.

I'd love to hear others' perspectives.

[Kidzaplenty]

For me, if I don't need their support, I just as soon not tell them. I find it easier to keep things vague and general, not passing along too many details, and none if I can get away with it.

Most people assume that a baby will be born in the hosptial, so there is a standard assumption that I just never correct. It works for me.

[janasmama]

Yup! I agree with that. I didn't use the term midwife or doctor. I just said "Yeah, I had a prenatal today and everything is great!"

To me, a homebirth is also a a means to an intimate birth...I think sometimes when you have family near to you than everyone also assumes they get to be at the birth...putting pressure on you to "perform."

If you have the slightest feeling of not sharing, just don't. This is your intimate moment, from beginning to end.

[spamama]

My family is very supportive (but far away), so they knew, and my IL's knew too (and in retrospect, I wish we hadn't told them, but they kept insisting on coming to watch the older kids while I "was in the hospital."). Once we told them, MIL kept asking the stupidest questions, as if midwives don't provide any prenatal care. : I just kept answering her ridiculous queries but was pretty annoyed. Sooo, all that to say that I wouldn't tell them again if I had the chance, just to spare the constant third-degree about the homebirth process. But honestly, nothing she or anyone else said made me worry about my decision. In the end, I had such a wonderful HB (my son was born March 13th), I am happy to tell anyone about it!

[amitymama]

The only people who know I'm having a home birth are two friends (one of whom is totally supportive and will be present at the birth) and my sister. I haven't told my parents yet but they havne't asked. I will keep quiet unless they straight out ask me where I'm having the baby. My mom works at an emergency care centre and is very medically-minded so I know she will have lots of concerns and I dont' want to deal with that if possible. We haven't told my inlaws yet either and I have successfully evaded comments about which hospital I'm going to by just laughing and saying "Gosh, I'm still so early in the pregnancy that I'm still just concentrating on getting my prenatal appointments scheduled!" and laugh as if I hadn't even thought of it yet. They will have to know at some point though, I suppose, because we'll need them to come take DD to their house. Actually, I haven't decided yet if I want DD there or not. I might just decide to keep her there. I'll have a midwife (two towards the end), a doula, my husband and a good friend there so I guess there's plenty of people to keep her entertained.

[~*~MamaJava~*~]

I don't tell anyone except for my mom and my sisters. I didn't tell anyone else with dd's planned HB because I didn't want to hear any negative stuff - and I didn't need them worrying about it either.

We transferred that time, but we are planning a HB again, and nobody's asked (most people never even knew we tried it). I'm not telling. I warmed them up to it last time leaving the hospy 8 hrs after birth (I only waited that long b/c she was born at midnight and fell asleep, so dh and I just slept too!).

I don't think it's helpful to tell people who are going to be very aginst the idea. You will not hear the end of it, they will be worried and possibly panic and do something stupid (call 911 or something). And no one needs the negative stuff and inaccurate horrible anecdotes and 'my baby would have died' stories...

stay in your safe mental space and keep it a secret! think of the fun of calling them to announce the baby's birth and telling them you had it at home! glee!

[the_lissa]

I told everyone.

[Roxyrocks]

I am probably not going to tell my Mom cause I already know how she feels herself had very hard births and almost died with my little sister so she is very passionate about hospital births which I can respect & I am just choosing not to tell her.

If you think it is going to bring xtra stress to your PG then its not worth to share your news even if you are excited about it

[hermanasista]

This is such a tricky issue for us as well--not only regarding family but friends, many of whom have all kinds of unsolicited advice to offer on the perils of homebirth. I have just had to pick and choose which friends I tell. As for our parents, we recently had the opportunity to sit both sets down together and make them watch The Business of Being Born before we announced that we had decided to look into having a homebirth. We felt that it was important for everyone to be 'on the same page' before we tried to have a conversation. I think it was especially helpful that the film is shot in NYC and we live in Brooklyn. In any case, if you're concerned about broaching the topic with folks who might have a lot of fear and misgivings, providing some education on the issue may open up an opportunity for a discussion that goes beyond your particular situation, and focuses on the statistics on homebirth, etc. which all point to the undeniable fact that homebirth is an incredibly safe birthing option. Hope this is helpful!

[cksgrl1]

I totally understand the hesitancy! I tend to share a lot with everyone as I am a very open person, BUT...imagine how my poor hubby felt telling his mom (my MIL) who was the Dean of Nursing at a prestigious university that we were having a home birth - lol. He hardly had to say much as she knew that I had been attending homebirth's as an assistant to a midwife for a couple of years and did NOT approve - LOL!!! Needless to say, now a student midwife, and now due with baby #4 (of course a home birth), I have gained a LOT more confidence and knowledge to be able to go toe to toe with her if need be, but she tends to say NOTHING and ask NO questions if she disapproves of something. I personally enjoy telling numerous people about home birth because it helps to dissipate and bring true thought as to WHY there is so much birth-fright in our society and it's NOT spread by people who have home births, it's from people having hospital births. Some midwives perfer to remain low key around those who do not have the knowlege of home birth because they worry too much about what other people think about them, but I have found out that bringing it up causes people to ask questions which quickly dispells many myths about birth. When people hear the words empowering, beautiful, gentle, water birth, strong, amazing, it tends to create interest in WHAT could posess the average person to describe their birth this way and where on earth did they have their babies...?! Why, at home of course!

Blessed birthing to you!
~Christy

[maternus.aeternum]

i'm not telling anyone this time because last time i got nothing but strife.

i also won't be calling them until the baby is a few days old, maybe a week.

last time i specifically asked no one to come for the first 3 or so days and there were 6 people in my room within hours of birth wanting to take my baby out of my arms. it was awful.

i also have started using the term "care provider" - so i'm not lying, but not giving anything away either.
and i just have "prenatal" appointments, not dr or midwife appts. hehe

[SusannahM]

We decided not to tell my MIL when I had my first, but we didn't really feel comfortable outright lying to her. We decided to be vague. Well, that didn't fly when she asked *very* specific questions again and again. So, finally we told her. Then, DH told her that if she didn't have anything positive to say about it then don't say anything. She got the point. Since my first homebirth went so well, they were just really excited for my second one.

[applejuice]

Since my first homebirth went so well, they were just really excited for my second one.

Nothing succeeds like success.

I never told anyone. It is none of their business.

[MamaVolpe]

I have told absolutly everyone, even complete strangers at the bank and grocery store. Suprising to me is that no one had any thing negative to say. Some had some questions about the whole homebirth process but no one told me any scary stories or tried to talk me out of it or anything! Not even my family of which more than half are in the medical feild, either doctors or nurses.