well, it blocks lh, so i guess so.
at my scan today it was 16mm, but nurse said everything's looking good.
so, from a few posts back, i was blabbering on and on about getting mad at angelina jolie instead of my friends, etc, except if maybe my sister called and said she was pregnant...
well, guess what?
my sister just called to tell me she is pregnant! (is there a spontaneous combustion smiley??)
which, you know, is a wonderful thing for her, as she is 43 and so on and so forth, but telling me on day 5 of stims when i am apparantly a hormonal wreck, well, there may have been a better time to call with the joyous news?! because not only do i feel the full weight of self-pity ('why does everyone else get pregnant and have living babies except for me?'), i also get to feel like a total sh*thead for feeling anything but good thoughts about the whole thing... its is a lose-lose situation. why do pregnant people have to tell those struggling with infertility that they are pregnant? why? why must this bridge be crossed? is it to make the pregnant person feel better? to get it off their chest so they can then go on and evjoy their 'h&h' freaking 40 weeks?!! infertility is a cruel cruel hell.
this sucks! infertility totally sucks! i mean, its the kind of emotional suffering you need to be delivered from. and its really annoying when the prayers don't really get answered, at least not in the good way, i am sure something's getting answered, but what lesson we are supposed to be learning from all this is totally beyond me. you really start to feel like the powers that be are out to get you! its miserable!
trying hard to stay relaxed and positive... not working, not tonight at least!!
the worst thing about it is, when you are doing ivf, those not in the know about the reality of it... they assume that since you decided to 'take the plunge', it is automatically going to work, and that you will have twins and everything is going to be honkey dorey. omg this makes me want to kick something! my own mom, who is normally a very sensitive person, said 'well in a year you'll have a baby and all of this will be better'. well, thanks, that is very positive but don't you understand that there is a very big chance that in a year i won't have a baby and it won't be all freaking better? and, for that matter, even if i DID get pregnant, have a baby, and things were healthy and good, well, it doesn't really 'make-up' for the years of anguish i have been slogging thru trying to have ONE BABY, i mean, these years have aged me, seriously... physically aged my face and given me grey hair, not to mention the fact that i feel like a good portion of my SOUL has been sacrificed to 'go the distance'. then, my mom said something about choosing to have HOPE. hope is not a choice i have made... i don't really have hope. i think what i have is some kind of reaction to desparation, and not having any other choices but to walk forward toward a different ending, meaning, walk away from the childless road i can't seem to get off of. i don't think that is 'hope'. what else am i going to do? isn't that why people end up doing ivf in the first place? they have no other choice, no other option.