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why don't YOU leave your baby to cry? - Page 3

post #41 of 117
Because I spent 2 months waiting for my babies to come home so *I* could take care of them, and even 2 years later I'll never make up that time.

Because my heart can't handle the sounds of my babies crying like that.

Because, on a strictly practical level, if I let one cry, the other joins in, and then it takes even longer to calm them down, or if one is sleeping, the cryer wakes the other up.

Because I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

Because the research, while not entirely conclusive, certainly seems scary enough to convince most rational people that CIO is a bad idea.

Because it just plain feels wrong.
post #42 of 117
because i have an intense physical reaction to hearing a baby cry -- any baby. and with my own its ten times worse. it's like someone turning a screw at the base of my neck and i can not relax until i comfort that baby. i know that reaction is based in instinct, and the instinct is there for a reason.

because i love my son and would never ignore his attempts at communication. he needs to know that i will always listen and at least try to help.

and honestly, because it never occured to me to do it any different. i had no idea people did cio on purpose until i started reading parenting mags.
post #43 of 117
Because it feels wrong. God or evolution, whichever you believe in, gave you instincts to comfort your crying baby for a reason.

Because they are new to the world, and you are the only person they know that they can absolutely count on and trust to comfort them and meet their needs. What are they left with if you pull that from under them?

Because all they know is that they need something. They have no other way to communicate that, and they can't be expected to understand why nobody is helping them. I can't even understand why mommy and daddy don't help CIO victims.

And most importantly, it is plain and simple neglect.
post #44 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by tashaharney View Post
because i have an intense physical reaction to hearing a baby cry -- any baby. and with my own its ten times worse. it's like someone turning a screw at the base of my neck and i can not relax until i comfort that baby. i know that reaction is based in instinct, and the instinct is there for a reason.

because i love my son and would never ignore his attempts at communication. he needs to know that i will always listen and at least try to help.

and honestly, because it never occured to me to do it any different. i had no idea people did cio on purpose until i started reading parenting mags.
yeah, that.....and i am highly sensitive to noise.......i can go from being ok to auditory overload in mere minutes......

i just believe it's wrong.......she's crying for a reason....she needs me...even when she is crying just to cry, i know i'd want someone to hold me......so we rock, walk, or just sit until she fine....and the smile afterwards, i wouldn't trade a million bucks for....

a friend of mine did CIO and would just call and talk to me and say that she didn't understand why he wouldn't stop crying....i told her i couldn't talk to her until she went in and picked him up.....and hung up....

about 2 weeks later i got a call from her saying that she had started going in to pick him and up and how much happier he was.....and how much better she felt inside....

well, yeah.....

my smilies aren't working so you get words and not the handy sign......
post #45 of 117
I just don't believe in letting babies cry. They are helpless little creatures that depend on us.
post #46 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by McMomma View Post
In my past job I saw babies who were failure to thrive because they had quickly learned their cries were futile. I saw babies who were underweight because no one gave them their formula when they cried and then they became too weak to cry at all. I looked into their eyes and saw the dullness of spirit similarly brought by war, assault, and other traumas.

In my current "job" as Momma, I feed my baby with the milk God gave me. I hold him and whisper loving words in his ear... "Don't cry, baby, Momma is here." I kiss him softly as we cuddle together. I breathe in his sweet baby smell. I imagine the day when his tiny hands will be bigger than my own. I look into his eyes and see the color of my own stare back at me with a bright twinkle of love.

Why WOULD I let my baby CIO?
That made me tear up. Those poor babies. What you said, though, about you and your baby.. That made me tear up too...... But in a WONDERFUL way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by _betsy_ View Post
"What is 'it' the baby needs to cry out? As a parent, it's my job to fill her needs. I try to meet my baby's needs, not ignore her. If she needs to be held, needs to eat, needs to be reassured she's not alone, needs to be comforted, or whatever, that's my job. No one said this parenting thing would be easy!"
Yeah, I think about that first sentence all the time. They are crying TRUST out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jessica_lizette View Post
Because it feels wrong. God or evolution, whichever you believe in, gave you instincts to comfort your crying baby for a reason.

Because they are new to the world, and you are the only person they know that they can absolutely count on and trust to comfort them and meet their needs. What are they left with if you pull that from under them?

Because all they know is that they need something. They have no other way to communicate that, and they can't be expected to understand why nobody is helping them. I can't even understand why mommy and daddy don't help CIO victims.

And most importantly, it is plain and simple neglect.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
post #47 of 117
Oh, and that Harvard study that said that prolonged crying causes damage to their nervous system and makes them more likely to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety.

http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1...enNeedTou.html
post #48 of 117
All of the above answers are fabulous...

Here's one that is founded in child development theory. One of the developmental theories is Social Emotional development by Erikson (I can't remember his first name, but you will find his theories in just about any psycology or child development text book--right along with piaget and maslow). Each stage of Erikson's theory is categorized by a delimma or a challenge. There is a positive and a negative outcome for each stage and if the child does not complete a stage with the positive outcome, then they will be unable to complete all the following stages with a positive outcome (until they learn the positive outcome for the previous stage). Anyway, the first stage is during infancy and is called Trust Vs. Mistrust. During this stage, infants are learning whether or not they can trust their caregivers. And when infants have caregivers who don't respond to their needs, then they come out of that stage having developed mistrust and will be unable to have positive outcomes in all of the following stages until they have learned to trust their caregivers.

This is a "scientific" or "psychological" reason that I will not let my son cry it out. When he cries, he is letting me know that he has a need, and if I don't respond and try to meet that need, he will learn to mistrust me. He will learn that I am not going to try to meet his needs. And he will have a more difficult time coming out of that first stage of development with a positive outcome.

On a more emotional note... Babies are people, too. And every person I know has at least an occasional need for comfort. Even adults. Sometimes, I feel really sad or upset. And when I do, I seek out a family member or friend for comfort. And I consider it a need, not "just something I want." I would be horrified if I woke up extremely depressed and bawling about something and my husband told me to get it over and go back to sleep or just ignored me. And if that would hurt my feelings, how could I think that it wouldn't hurt my baby's feelings.

Also, Babies and children do not have the ability to cope like well-adjusted adults do. They need help learning how to cope... and adults who ignore a child's cries cannot teach the child how to appropriately cope with their feelings/needs.
post #49 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by NonasMama View Post
I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night. I can never do that again.



I uaually tell people this:
Do you know why they stop crying?

Because they know that NOONE is coming to help them. They lost hope in the world at the tender age of ____.
And I usually add that it's disgusting.:
post #50 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by vagabonder View Post
I try to treat dd like I would want to be treated. If I was crying and DH just left me there to cry without trying to console me, I would feel all that much worse and would probably lose a lot of trust/faith in him and our relationship so I figure doing that to her she would feel the same towards us.
:

And because I'm not a big ol' meanie.
post #51 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by McMomma View Post
In my current "job" as Momma, I feed my baby with the milk God gave me. I hold him and whisper loving words in his ear... "Don't cry, baby, Momma is here." I kiss him softly as we cuddle together. I breathe in his sweet baby smell. I imagine the day when his tiny hands will be bigger than my own. I look into his eyes and see the color of my own stare back at me with a bright twinkle of love.
Thank you so much for posting this, I know most everyone at MDC feels this way, but I NEED to see this, to be uplifted by these words when the news of babies such as Benjamin in Peoria reach my ears. I rejoice seeing the love pouring out of your words!
post #52 of 117
The other day, I had DD in a sling, and I was trying to get her to fall asleep without nursing. She was crying, and I would soothe her, and then she would be okay, but then she would get upset again.. and it got really bad. So finally after about 30-45 minutes of this off and on (with her right in the sling), I gave in and nursed her to sleep. Ever since then, she has not been her good-natured self. I think I broke a bond of trust between us, and that was with me nestling her next to me. That taught me a huge lesson. So to answer the question, I do not let her CIO, even in my arms, because it breaks something between us. Something valuable that is more precious to me than anything else I can do for this child. It's a bond of love and trust, and it's not something that should be taken lightly.
post #53 of 117
I wouldn't leave anyone else to cry for no reason.


but more importantly...

I can't stand the sound.
post #54 of 117
In our house, no one has to be sad alone.
post #55 of 117
How can I expect them to come to me, later on, with their problems, when I can't even be trusted to respond to the fairly uncomplicated problems they have now? Right now what they want is basically easy-- they want to be kept close and held and carried and nursed when they need it. But someday their problems with be bigger and harder, and I want them to have a fundamental trust that they can come to me with anything and I'll do my best to respond. I start now, to build that trust, so that we can rely on it later.
post #56 of 117
because i physically cannot listen to her cry and not try to help her.

i also think CIO is morally wrong.
post #57 of 117
I think it's just plain wrong, too. It's not just that it's instinctually perverse, it's cruel and unnecessary.

When I was a college student, I babysat for several families. One family had me sit one evening into the night and they asked me to adhere to a strict bedtime schedule and to let their youngest CIO. He was a precious cherub who looked just like my little brother looked at that age (toddlerhood). And my heart just broke that night. I don't remember how long he cried--they had told me to just let him go no matter how long. I had to sit and tell myself not to go in from the moment I left his room. 15 minutes? 20 minutes? half an hour? 45 minutes? It felt like hours. At some point, I couldn't take it any longer and went in there and picked him up and rocked him to sleep. I apologized as I held him close. He fell asleep so quickly, cuddled in my arms.

I cried myself to sleep that night and swore I'd never do something so heartless again. To this day, I regret that I doubted my instincts and let him cry needlessly for so much as a few seconds. I was afraid of subverting his parents' paradigm.

I look at my 11 month old son sleeping peacefully next to me and I don't get how *parents* could do that to their own child.
post #58 of 117
Because I love her and it makes me feel sick to even think of neglecting her.
post #59 of 117
because when my baby cries, I automatically go to comfort him. Why let him cry, why do something that doesn't feel right?

Besides that, it's just mean.
post #60 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by shanniesue2 View Post
On a more emotional note... Babies are people, too. And every person I know has at least an occasional need for comfort. Even adults. Sometimes, I feel really sad or upset. And when I do, I seek out a family member or friend for comfort. And I consider it a need, not "just something I want." I would be horrified if I woke up extremely depressed and bawling about something and my husband told me to get it over and go back to sleep or just ignored me. And if that would hurt my feelings, how could I think that it wouldn't hurt my baby's feelings.
See, this doesn't work for me. I can't think of it that way-I don't have anyone to comfort me, really. My daughter will, but that is not her job, so I work very hard not to let her see me upset.



Quote:
Originally Posted by jocelyndale View Post
I think it's just plain wrong, too. It's not just that it's instinctually perverse, it's cruel and unnecessary.

When I was a college student, I babysat for several families. One family had me sit one evening into the night and they asked me to adhere to a strict bedtime schedule and to let their youngest CIO. He was a precious cherub who looked just like my little brother looked at that age (toddlerhood). And my heart just broke that night. I don't remember how long he cried--they had told me to just let him go no matter how long. I had to sit and tell myself not to go in from the moment I left his room. 15 minutes? 20 minutes? half an hour? 45 minutes? It felt like hours. At some point, I couldn't take it any longer and went in there and picked him up and rocked him to sleep. I apologized as I held him close. He fell asleep so quickly, cuddled in my arms.

I cried myself to sleep that night and swore I'd never do something so heartless again. To this day, I regret that I doubted my instincts and let him cry needlessly for so much as a few seconds. I was afraid of subverting his parents' paradigm.

I look at my 11 month old son sleeping peacefully next to me and I don't get how *parents* could do that to their own child.
I babysat for a mom who did cio, to some extent. I was 16. With her toddler, he cired himself to sleep at naptime. If I stayed with him, he woudl cry longer than if I left him. So ielarned that was jsut how he went to sleep.

The baby was a different story. He wanted to be held all the time, which was fine with me. Mom simply didn't have time to hold all the time, and thought it would "spoil" him if I'd held him too much. I was allowed to pick him up if he cried for 20 minutes, though. If mom was out of sight or away, I held him anyway, though. it was just too hard to hear him cry, when I knew he'd stop if held him.
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