why don't YOU leave your baby to cry? - Page 5

[J's Mama]

I'm always amazed when I read about the CIO method. Thank God, no one has ever directly suggested it to me. But I think about it now and realize: I couldn't let my DS CIO NOW at almost 2 years old! I could certainly NEVER let a little newborn baby CIO!!! What are people thinking?! And what has happened to our empathy?! I agree with so many PPs that being there for our children, no matter what the circumstances (or time of day!), is what parenting IS; and if that's too inconvenient for you, don't have kids!

[dkapdblack]

This is just a repeat but:
Because I could never let my child believe that when he needed me I wouldn't come.
We were at my grandparents' once, and DS was.... 6 mo, playing on the floor while we ate, and he started to complain, so DH stood up to get him, and they asked, "Don't you ever let him cry it out, even for a minute?" and I said, "No, we believe it gives him a good sense of self to respond to him."
They snorted a little bit, but didn't bring it up again.
This is the same grandmother who told us a few months earlier that by her 5th (and last, thankfully) child, she had just left the baby in a crib in a room on a different floor because she just couldn't handle any more babies needing her, while the (40 year old) baby she was referring to was sitting next to her.
shudder.

[Uroboros]

Alcyone: Thanks for the tip... new to this... need help organizing thoughts in general!

About CIO~ I'm amazed consistently with how many people tell us that that's the way to go. I've opted not to discuss certain things with people, like bedsharing, because I know what they will say. I actually had one person say to me something like, "you have to watch out, not to let your baby learn to manipulate you... it's a Pavlonian thing... train your baby to know that you won't come whenever they cry". I was flabbergasted in the moment, but later sent a link that explains attachment parenting, and said that this is how we are raising our child. End of discussion.

[APMomOfKimmyN-Maya]

Tinker your reason was great!

I have a few reasons

1) It feels wrong to me
2) I've read articles that claim that excessive crying can be harmful to infants http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
3)I've read about attachment parenting extensively and believe in it.
4) In one of my philosophy books there was a theory that children have basically their whole personality shaped in the first 5 years and the more positive experiences they have the more positive of a person they will be overall, and the more negative stressful situations they encounter the less likely they will be able to cope positively with what the world dishes out to them. ( my wording not the books wording! ) It's called "Does the Center Hold" by Palmer. Great read!
5) I've also read The Continuum Concept which shaped my beliefs about what young children need.

[becoming]

I say, "Parenting doesn't end just because mama & daddy are tired and think it's time to go to sleep."

If they launch into the "He doesn't really need you; he's just manipulating you" spiel, I say, "Crying *always* means a baby needs something, and comfort/closeness with mama is a very real need for a baby."

[Septagram]

Once I saw a mama letting her baby CIO sitting in his infant bucket seat in Walmart. I followed her around for a few minutes and when she saw me looking concernedly at the baby she told me that "he was just putting on a show."

I asked her if her infant had taken acting lessons in the womb and told her that he needed to be held. She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes, but sure enough, when we were paying I saw her walk out of the store with the baby in her arms.

[Danielle13]

Originally Posted by Septagram

Once I saw a mama letting her baby CIO sitting in his infant bucket seat in Walmart. I followed her around for a few minutes and when she saw me looking concernedly at the baby she told me that "he was just putting on a show."

I asked her if her infant had taken acting lessons in the womb and told her that he needed to be held. She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes, but sure enough, when we were paying I saw her walk out of the store with the baby in her arms.

that poor baby. I'm glad you said something.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I am sending DF an email link to this thread. I absolutely cannot believe that we are arguing about this, but we are. So I am leaving Dr. Sears' Baby Book in his man bag with a page marker at the appropriate non-CIO chapter and emailing him a link. Hopefully, that will end the discussion.

I want my little man to feel safe and loved at all times. Crying himself to sleep just doesn't seem to jive with that in my book.

I need to trust my mommy instinct more. Last week, I doubted myself and let Rex-Goliath play in the bathroom (with the door open and us in the next room) while his sister was in the bath. Two minutes later, he flipped over reaching for a toy and wound up in the bath with her. Everything turned out fine, but I shudder to think what could have happened. Protective mommy instincts are there for a reason, and I need to make sure that I don't ignore them because I worry about the perceptions of others. My protective mommy instinct tells me to go to my child when he wakes up crying. So I will.

[gibas23]

all you mommas are awesome.

Every one who is a parent has been telling us to CIO our baby. She is very sticky to me and strong-willed too. So taking care of her has been really tiring on both of us especially at night time. It takes us a couple of hours to put her to sleep and she only wants to sleep with us and wake up 2-3 times a night still at 4.5 months old.

My husband had been convinced a couple of times in the past that it was necessary to CIO because would you rather to discipline your baby or instead being disciplined by the baby? (actual words from his boss). I was horrified and flatly refused to do so. I just know my baby is too small to be manipulative or being spoilt. She just want to cuddle with us. We argued many times about this, luckily now that she has grown so fun to play with, my husband has been totally smitten with her that he is actually enjoying getting her to sleep every night, even thou it takes him hours to do so.

Looking back on the last 4 months, we barely remember how tough our nights have been and now, everything has becoming a part of our lives and actually not that bad.

[FireFrog]

Originally Posted by Tinker

This is the point I like to make, I don't know whether people shut up because it makes sense or because they figure I can't be reasoned with.

"If at any other time of the day I ignored my child's needs and left her to scream unattended for hours on end, it would be grounds for CPS to take her. (And rightly so!) So how is it OK to say well it's dark now, you're on your own kid, and that's perfectly acceptable?"

Originally Posted by Cujobunny

Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

If the person asking hasn't specifically told you that they did CIO with their own children, smile sweetly and ask "isn't that child abuse?"

Originally Posted by KylieLove06

Because it breaks my heart....

:

especially the heartbreak.

[Demeter9]

First - I react to it. That means my body is made to respond to a baby crying with love and care.

Ignoring my instincts because people think that all things "feminine" are bad and disdainful is stupid in my opinion.

I think that millions of years of mammal evolution, or a creator would not be so lax as to create such an intense need and bond because it was supposed to be IGNORED due to peer pressure.

Because it creates problems with development and harms the brain of an infant.

Excessive cortisol levels are harmful to even an adult brain. Babies have no other means of communication, particularly to someone in another room.

http://doi.wiley.com/10.1002/1097-03...8%3E3.0.CO;2-9

[Septagram]

Originally Posted by gibas23

all you mommas are awesome.

Every one who is a parent has been telling us to CIO our baby. She is very sticky to me and strong-willed too. So taking care of her has been really tiring on both of us especially at night time. It takes us a couple of hours to put her to sleep and she only wants to sleep with us and wake up 2-3 times a night still at 4.5 months old.

My husband had been convinced a couple of times in the past that it was necessary to CIO because would you rather to discipline your baby or instead being disciplined by the baby? (actual words from his boss). I was horrified and flatly refused to do so. I just know my baby is too small to be manipulative or being spoilt. She just want to cuddle with us. We argued many times about this, luckily now that she has grown so fun to play with, my husband has been totally smitten with her that he is actually enjoying getting her to sleep every night, even thou it takes him hours to do so.

Looking back on the last 4 months, we barely remember how tough our nights have been and now, everything has becoming a part of our lives and actually not that bad.

Mama, at her age, that is perfectly normal behavior. Heck, my 2yo sometimes wakes up a few times a night. Babies are a lot of hard work. Sleep deprivation is part of the deal. It's a ridiculous idea that the baby is disciplining you. She's simply telling you that she has needs that must be met. Stick to your guns and keep up the good work.

Just remember, she spent 9 months in your womb, cuddled and rocked and held every moment. If you held her 23 hours a day, that would be a reduction. She is helpless. She is completely dependent on you. She just wants to be loved by you.

[sapphire_chan]

There's also a number of great responses that work with any "if you don't X, they'll never Y"

To the tune of the appropriate G&S song: "What ne-ver?"
Or simply "NEVER?!??!? ..... So, anyway, about that local sport's team...."

[Kat's Mommy]

Just thought I'd chime in.

My response to CIO is usually, "Well, if I'm upset, and cry, I don't want to be ignored. I'd like a little hug, kiss and cuddle, and for someone to tell me it's going to be alright. I give the same respect to my child".

[cjanelles]

My answer is pretty much that I want my children to know that if they need me for anything, I am always going to be there for them. I build this trust by answering their cries.

The other thing I often tell people is that we are the only species that seems to think it is acceptable to send our young to sleep by themselves, away from the safety, warmth, nourishment and comfort of the parents. Dogs and cats and rabbits keep their young near to them until they are old enough to care for themselves. Why on earth would anyone think it was acceptable, kind, loving or ok to leave little babies to cry and cry and not have their cries answered.

Man, it just bewilders me. I can't even stand the thought of it. It literally makes my heart start pounding with anxiety when I consider leaving my baby--who is now 10 mo--to cio.

[ewins24]

I'm sure this has already been said but I'll say it again.

1. Its mean and cruel.

2. If I cry I want someone to come help me. Why would I NOT want to give that same thought to my child?

3. If I ignored my child any other time I'd get CPS called on me.

4. I LOVE my girls!

5. When God gave me my girls He gave them to me with the thought that I would care for them not ignore them.

6. I want my girls to trust that I will ALWAYS be there for them no matter what time the clock says.

7. ITS MEAN AND CRUEL!

[sweetpeppers]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

There's also a number of great responses that work with any "if you don't X, they'll never Y"

To the tune of the appropriate G&S song: "What ne-ver?"
Or simply "NEVER?!??!? ..... So, anyway, about that local sport's team...."

Augh! I hate those "never" statements. I would just like to point out that I was left to cry it out apparently and slept through the night, and self-soothed to sleep etc. And yet when I was old enough to get out of my bed, I slept on the floor next to my parents bed practically every night, and if they locked the door...I slept in the HALLWAY! This sleep training crap doesn't work. The only reason people think it works is because their babies are helpless to do anything about it.

sorry for the rant, whenever I hear people talking about letting their babies cry, it breaks my heart and makes me angry

[liliaceae]

[Amberoxy]

One of my biggest fears is being buried alive - when I picture how helpless and terrified I would feal, that is how I think a baby forced to cio feels. I could NEVER allow my baby to feel that way.

Every time my baby cries, it is an opportunity for me to show him how much I love him and that he can depend on me. If I let him CIO, he doesn't get a chance to learn that...that could be disastorous when he's older. He needs to know he can always count on me.

[dynamicdoula]

Very simply, it goes directly against my mothering instincts.