Overnights at Friends Houses

[kris4chloe]

I have a 14 year old foster son, that is a friends child. He seems to think it is completely acceptable to stay out all day long, and that I should let him stay out till 9pm. He also asks to stay the night at his best friends house almost every night. I have had to limit it to once a week, because I do not feel that the parental supervision over there is sufficient.

It is spring break, and he is mad at me for ruining his fun, because I limited it to once a week and make him be home by 7 during the week. (he can be out till 9 on the weekends). one of the reasons for these limitations is because his grades are very bad, he has been working at getting them up, with me riding on him constantly, but the last week before spring break, i lightened up on the rules and in that one week his F that he brought to a D went right back to an F.

He is exasperating me because he will call four or five times a day to ask if he can stay the night, I tell him no, not changing my mind, not open for discussion, and then hang up. The whole time, "I don't understand why, etc, etc"

I am frustated, he is here because his other alternative is to go to a foster home where he will never go anywhere. He just doesn't get it, and I have explained that to him, his mom has explained that to him, his worker has explained that to him. His mother NEVER had any limits and pretty much let him do whatever he wanted, so it is years of learned behaviour.

by the way, i let him go on a 5 day camping trip with his best friend and he just got back yesterday.

thanks so much for any input.

[smillerhouse]

Good for you for setting limits. I was proud of myself last night that I limted my dauhter to a concert on a school night to (9:45 even though the headline band did not come on till a lot later and dad was at the all ages club. DD had such fun hanging with the bands (indie) and saw lots of friends.
It can be hard to set limits,decide what is right for you when either teen or others around have no/different limits.
I agree academics are important. I try to be realsitc: espeiclaly my son has learning differnces so 20 min. at a time, around 2-3 hours total works for him as far as studying and I or my husband have to be very involved in his keeping his focus.
I think friends are very important: during my son's frends springbreak, he saw him nearly every day but I still had curfew at night and he still had to do some schoolwork each day.
Choose battles, keep it fun, positive, encouraging . My teens do best when I focus on what they can do and I try to be consistent with what makes sense for my parenting choices. My dd is 14 and ds is 17. Sallie

[kris4chloe]

Thanks Sallie, I appreciate the response. He is allowed to hang with his friends all day, just thinks he can continue on to the night, and thinks I am so unreasonable for expecting him to come home at night. Oh well one of these days when he is MUCH, MUCH older he will understand.

[MammaB21]

I don't have a teen yet, but I was one not all that long ago, so I hope it is okay if I respond to your post. This is just my opinion, and don't mean to offend anyone, but I would be carefull about saying things like, "its not open for disscussion, end of story, (and hanging up)." I don't think setting these guidelines is bad, infact, it is probably the right thing to do. But maybe having a talk with him one on one. Here are points I would suggest touching on.

1) why you don't want him out. and why you don't trust this invironement he is in.
2) how you guys can work to get his grades up.
3) why he thinks he should be able to stay out later/more often.
4) some fun activities he would like to do over his break with you or the family.
5) come to a compromise together. maybe let him stay a little later, or have him invite over a friend or two, or go to a place where you can shaporone. this way he feels like he is being heard, but you still have control, and can monitor what is going on, and keep a handle on his grades.

I hope that helped some, and hope you didn't take it the wrong way. Hugs to you and your family, and hope you work through it.

[kris4chloe]

I appreciate your response.

I wish those things worked. I have tried, I have had heart to hearts with him till I am blue in the face. The biggest issue, is this is a foster child of mine who prior to him coming to my house, didn't have one single rule, and was allowed to do whatever he wanted to. He also knows that when he goes back to his mother that is how it will be. I used to explain my reasons to him as to why I would allow, or not allow, or why there were limits etc, and it would just give him opportunity to argue with me till the death.

It is sad, I think at his age, there are so many ingrown traits and behaviours, a big sense of entitlement, as well as a lack of respect or even just understanding that at his age, even if it doesn't make sense to him, sometimes it is just not right to him.

I don't know, maybe I need to find a foster care board somewhere? His caseworker just told my husband he is a saint for putting up with his unruly attitude for as long as we have. I love him dearly, and want to show him a better life, but also need to teach him rules and boundaries. I guess cuz he is my first teenager, my own oldest is 12, I am not sure if spending almost every night at someones house on the weekends and vacation is the norm, or if it is not. I think this is where I need guidance, what do other parents who actual parent their child allow their child to do.

As for family time, he is not part of our family (those are his words, definetily not mine) so he pretty much acts like he is doing time when he is here, and waits for the minute he can "escape".

I don't know, just a difficult situation all around.

[Arduinna]

It's a difficult situation I'm sure. We have very close friends that have been foster parents for years and we had more than one foster family on our street while my dd was growing up. She has been friends with quite a few foster kids. The issue is not lack of rules, it's whatever it was that caused the child to be placed in foster care in the first place. Neglect, abuse whatever it happened to be.

We raised our dd with consentual living and have/had very few rules. She is 18 and fabulous.

Whatever has caused children to get into the system they come into it hurt in some way. So it's harder for them to trust and feel safe. Obviously every case is different and I'm speaking generally. That is foundational issue not how many rules there are. You are dealing with a wounded child.

Does he have counseling available to him? Can you talk about what's best for him with his counselor if he has one? And hopefully it's a good one.

[MammaB21]

Originally Posted by kris4chloe

I appreciate your response.

I wish those things worked. I have tried, I have had heart to hearts with him till I am blue in the face. The biggest issue, is this is a foster child of mine who prior to him coming to my house, didn't have one single rule, and was allowed to do whatever he wanted to. He also knows that when he goes back to his mother that is how it will be. I used to explain my reasons to him as to why I would allow, or not allow, or why there were limits etc, and it would just give him opportunity to argue with me till the death.


As for family time, he is not part of our family (those are his words, definetily not mine) so he pretty much acts like he is doing time when he is here, and waits for the minute he can "escape".

This must be such a hard situation for everyone involved. I agree alot with what arduinna said. She said alot of what I was thinking, and couldn't put into words. The fact that he didn't have rules, is obviously making him resentfull of the newfound rules in the house. I agree he should have rules and boundaries, but that is why the maybe should be a little more lax then they are now. I don't think having the rules is getting to the root of the problem. I agree with couceling. As far as his attitude toward not being part of the family, I think is normal, and understandable, but maybe he can feel like you are all his friends. So to allow him to chose the activity, and plan an outing. To answer another one of your questions, I don't think that staying at a friends house every night is the norm, but I also don't think 7pm is an appropriate curfew for a 14 year old IMO. I will bow out now, and let some mammas with teens give some advice. I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on this. GL.