Lactivism and friendships

[mrsdocmartin]

This isn't the first time I have posted this, but I feel so alone as a lactavist. I know that I have MDC, and I have DH, but other than that I am totally alone. Other than LLL meetings, how do you make friends? I live in a very rural area, and I work when the LLL meetings are held. I know other moms, but not ONE BFed past 6 months. I feel like I am biting my tongue every time they mention formula, or make a bottle. I need a friend in the worst way.:

[kimbersdawnly]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this! FWIW, I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I had my son, I was the only one I knew who was committed to breastfeeding (I nursed him till he was 3 1/2), used cloth, or attachment parenting, or gentle discipline, or even good nutrition! (One of our friends has given her boy McDonald's regularly since he was UNDER A YEAR!) And I live on an island with no roads off; there is no LLL here at all. It is soooo easy to feel isolated and even worse, utterly unsupported, even odd for not giving in to the overwhelming influence of the mainstream here. Strange that in such a little, out of the way place we feel such a large influence from popular culture... Anyway, I wanted so much to get to spend time with anyone who knew what it was like to be a mom, but being with the mom's I knew was torture, because they would always do and say things that made me grind my teeth with frustration. I always just had to keep very quiet because I knew if I spoke a word to anyone my shock and anger at their ignorance would all come spilling out. I ended up with pretty bad ppd at about 4 1/2 months post partum because my mom went back to work then (she had been between jobs when I had the baby). When she was suddenly away all day, I found myself entirely alone, both literally and in my choices. It was a dark time for me....

I guess what I am trying to say is that though you feel alone and isolated, someone else has been there too. And even survived somehow. My second is 10 1/2 months now, and the one like minded friend I have happened to find is suddenly contemplating weening (her daughter is 13 months). I am starting to feel alone again, so I have decided to try to do something about it. I am starting a breastfeeding support group in town. Our first meeting will be next month. I don't know if it will go well, but I am going to try my darndest to make it work. I just need to not be entirely alone. I know I'm not the only extended nurser in the world, it would just be nice to have another one to talk to!

I hope you have better luck. Maybe one of the LLL leaders could recommend a playgroup for you when you're not working? Might be worth a try.

[Mama Poot]

Its tough not finding likeminded folks to talk to. Even though most of the women in my moms group breastfeed their kids in terms of years they do other things I strongly disagree with. At some point you have to decide between having no friends and no social life at all or learning to let some things go and just not bring up issues that can stir the pot.

[aprilv]

i agree it can be hard to be friends when we feel like others aren't making the best choices... sometimes it helps me to just remind myself that we're all doing the best we can and that all moms want the best for their children. usually i can find something in common with another mom (although i do agree it is frustrating to hear them say things i strongly disagree with).

i think that seeing is believing too- for example if moms who choose formula keep noticing how your baby doesn't get sick as often or never has skin rashes maybe they will begin to appreciate the value of breastfeeding. or if they see the calm way you interact with your toddler, they will appreciate gentle discipline. maybe by being a quiet, yet strong exapmle, you can create your own community.

maybe post in your tribal area too. or put up a flier in the library about starting a playgroup and mention breastfeeding or attachment parenting.

and if all else fails, at least you have friends here at mdc! not as good as the real life kind, but at least we understand.

[heatherweh]

I've met a few like-minded mamas to befriend at the local babywearing group and the local birth circle as well as LLL in a neighboring county. I feel very fortunate in that. Most of my friends however didn't breastfeed or only did it for a short time. I (and they) have had issues with this at times. I recently went to a playgroup and one of the moms' commented how she hadn't seen my son since I was breastfeeding him, to which I replied that I still am of course. They all seemed offended and maybe even angered or appalled by this and immediately began wrinkling their noses and giving me advice on how to wean and telling me to "nip it in the bud" and get him weaned. Guess what? That was the end of the road as far as that group goes. No way I am going to take being attacked for having different beliefs. Recently a friend commented that "As many problems as you've had breastfeeding, I'm glad I never nursed my son". Ugh- glad I can be the poster child for a problematic nursing experience and add to your ignorance. It is too hard not to get defensive or even offensive at times like that. Most of my friends and acquaintances just keep a "mouth shut" approach to that topic; don't ask, don't tell I guess.

[aaronsmom]

s Up until I was 39 weeks pregnant with DD I had never seen anyone breastfeed IRL. Seriously, how sad is that? And it's not like I just didn't notice, every single mother I knew FF'ed without even considering BF'ing as an option.

[heatherweh]

Originally Posted by aaronsmom

s Up until I was 39 weeks pregnant with DD I had never seen anyone breastfeed IRL. Seriously, how sad is that? And it's not like I just didn't notice, every single mother I knew FF'ed without even considering BF'ing as an option.

That's a good point- when you register for baby things every list tells you how many bottles you need and it is a frequent shower gift too. I never really thought about that until just now, its like setting you up to fail. Like "I know you want to quit smoking, but here's a pack of cigs in case it doesn't work out for you".

Many of my friends went to the requisite breastfeeding classes and dutifully bought a pump, but then quit when things "didn't work out for them" after just a few days. So I guess "giving it the old girl scout try" is considered mandatory, but actually buckling down and doing it isn't necessary and will later be frowned upon as the baby gets older.

[mommyddeville]

When I moved to this city, I knew no one who breastfed. What I did to find friends was to talk to the lactation consultant at the hospital where I had DS. She introduced me to other moms who were new breastfeeders. We encouraged each other.

Now, I've found a whole group of us crazies who nurse past a year, cloth diaper, clean with natural substances, etc.

[NewMama2007]

I know two mamas who nursed their little ones to 2 - everyone else that I know well stopped before one. One weaned on the child's first birthday! Happy Birthday, I'm taking away your favorite thing.

I just nod, smile, and do my own thing. I'm the only mama I know that CD's, but I'll talk to anyone about it. Same with bfdg. Same with extended rear-facing in the car seat.

[FREEmom1120]

Feeling alone sucks!

You are never going to find a group of friends with whom you share everything in common. My recommendation is to find things you DO have in common with people and build on those things. If they are rude or dismissive of your beliefs about bf, yeah, don't hang around them. But if they are accepting of you, then I'd say try to be friends anyway. People are very complex and have a lot to offer in relationships regardless of how they are feeding their babies. Build on the things you have in common.

[angelcat]

Originally Posted by mrsdocmartin

This isn't the first time I have posted this, but I feel so alone as a lactavist. I know that I have MDC, and I have DH, but other than that I am totally alone. Other than LLL meetings, how do you make friends? I live in a very rural area, and I work when the LLL meetings are held. I know other moms, but not ONE BFed past 6 months. I feel like I am biting my tongue every time they mention formula, or make a bottle. I need a friend in the worst way.:

Well, I wasn't able to breastfeed, and now I feel more alone, as I guess nursing moms don't even want to be my friend. Very sad.

I wondered why I was getting this weird vibe that some moms didn't like me. Now that think of it, they are all nirsuing moms, or did nurse when thgeir kids were infants.

Now I'm just really sad. I had no idea why they didn't like me.

And I never judged them for nursing. If the mentioned nursing thier toddlers I always said I'd still be nursing mine if I could.

:


I do understand wanting to meet other women who breastfeed,( I liked that I did have a mom firend who wasn't able to nurse either, and we could discuss formula, being sad about not nursing, etc) it's the refusing to be friends with women who use formula that makes me sad.


I guess this is good to know, though. I've definitely had moms look down on me, and I didn't know why.

[Tine]

I live in the Twin Cities (and am in your Tribe), so I've noticed your other posts trying to connect with local MDC (or otherwise like-minded) mamas. I've never responded before b/c I have no real help to offer.

But I must tell you: Every time I notice those posts, I wonder why I'm NOT your neighbor! My family owns 40 acres between LaCrosse and Winona, and my DH and I have longed for years to move there. We just can never seem to get our career/financial/educational/etc. act together enough to do it. Sigh.

So...it's small comfort, I know...but maybe someday we'll be bumping into each other in the Coulee Region's crunchy hangouts, and/or rolling our eyes together at all the mainstream stupidity going on around us.

[mrsdocmartin]

Originally Posted by angelcat

Well, I wasn't able to breastfeed, and now I feel more alone, as I guess nursing moms don't even want to be my friend. Very sad.

I wondered why I was getting this weird vibe that some moms didn't like me. Now that think of it, they are all nirsuing moms, or did nurse when thgeir kids were infants.

Now I'm just really sad. I had no idea why they didn't like me.

And I never judged them for nursing. If the mentioned nursing thier toddlers I always said I'd still be nursing mine if I could.

:

I do understand wanting to meet other women who breastfeed,( I liked that I did have a mom firend who wasn't able to nurse either, and we could discuss formula, being sad about not nursing, etc) it's the refusing to be friends with women who use formula that makes me sad.


I guess this is good to know, though. I've definitely had moms look down on me, and I didn't know why.

I never meant to come across this way. My issue is certainly not with moms like you! I'd love to be your friend!! I just want lactavist friends too! I don't even have one IRL. Everyone I know CHOSE to FF from day one, or quit at the first challenge. I am really sorry if I made you feel bad. It isn't that I don't want FF friends. I just want one BF friend too.

[mrsdocmartin]

Originally Posted by Tine

I live in the Twin Cities (and am in your Tribe), so I've noticed your other posts trying to connect with local MDC (or otherwise like-minded) mamas. I've never responded before b/c I have no real help to offer.

But I must tell you: Every time I notice those posts, I wonder why I'm NOT your neighbor! My family owns 40 acres between LaCrosse and Winona, and my DH and I have longed for years to move there. We just can never seem to get our career/financial/educational/etc. act together enough to do it. Sigh.

So...it's small comfort, I know...but maybe someday we'll be bumping into each other in the Coulee Region's crunchy hangouts, and/or rolling our eyes together at all the mainstream stupidity going on around us.

Oh, I hope so!!

[kimbersdawnly]

Originally Posted by angelcat

Well, I wasn't able to breastfeed, and now I feel more alone, as I guess nursing moms don't even want to be my friend. Very sad.

I wondered why I was getting this weird vibe that some moms didn't like me. Now that think of it, they are all nirsuing moms, or did nurse when thgeir kids were infants.

Now I'm just really sad. I had no idea why they didn't like me.

And I never judged them for nursing. If the mentioned nursing thier toddlers I always said I'd still be nursing mine if I could.

:


I do understand wanting to meet other women who breastfeed,( I liked that I did have a mom firend who wasn't able to nurse either, and we could discuss formula, being sad about not nursing, etc) it's the refusing to be friends with women who use formula that makes me sad.


I guess this is good to know, though. I've definitely had moms look down on me, and I didn't know why.

I hope you didn't think that either of us intended to say that.

I also expressed frustration with my friends choices, but they are frustrating to me because they are just that - choices. They are people who I know intimately and though they were already friends they became pushy in their willful ignorance on this score when I became a mother. These women constantly made comments about things like NIP and extended breastfeeding, (even hitting their kids), that made me very uncomfortable. I would never reject a friend because she had to use formula! I just wish I wasn't surrounded by moms who look at me like I have a third eye every time I put Madeline to the breast. KWIM? I joined this discussion because I was feeling rejected.

[angelcat]

Originally Posted by mrsdocmartin

I never meant to come across this way. My issue is certainly not with moms like you! I'd love to be your friend!! I just want lactavist friends too! I don't even have one IRL. Everyone I know CHOSE to FF from day one, or quit at the first challenge. I am really sorry if I made you feel bad. It isn't that I don't want FF friends. I just want one BF friend too.

Originally Posted by kimbersdawnly

I hope you didn't think that either of us intended to say that.

I also expressed frustration with my friends choices, but they are frustrating to me because they are just that - choices. They are people who I know intimately and though they were already friends they became pushy in their willful ignorance on this score when I became a mother. These women constantly made comments about things like NIP and extended breastfeeding, (even hitting their kids), that made me very uncomfortable. I would never reject a friend because she had to use formula! I just wish I wasn't surrounded by moms who look at me like I have a third eye every time I put Madeline to the breast. KWIM? I joined this discussion because I was feeling rejected.

Ok. That does make me feel better. And the friend I thought was as sad as me about not being able to nurse decided to not even try with her second. And I do have a tough time with that. She told me she could have and just didn't want to. I'd NEVER heard that from someone irl before. I'm still friends with her, but it has it's moments. She isn't as respectful of my choices as I am with hers. (always telling me to let my daughter cio, etc).


I tend to meet moms who'd look at me getting out a bottle, and say "oh, were you unable to breastfeed or did you just not bother?" I told them I was unable to, but I doubt they believed me. I still made friends with one of them, but it's hard. With moms I haven't known since our kids were babies, it's easier. They dont' expect me to be nusring now, as my daughter is 2.5.

So, nursing is quite accepted here. Not sure about extended nursing. moms that do it tend to act kind of embarrassed, or explain how they tried to wean, and their 16 month old wasn't ready. I had a mom tell me that last week. I told her I'd liekly still be nursing my 2.5 yr old if I could, and then she relaxed, and said she planned to keep going til 2, anyhow. I told her that is what the WHO recommends, so she was interested to hear that.

Anyhow, I'll stop rambling on now. I really shouldn't be in this forum, I guess. I'm not really a lactivist.

[Tine]

Originally Posted by angelcat

I told her I'd liekly still be nursing my 2.5 yr old if I could, and then she relaxed, and said she planned to keep going til 2, anyhow. I told her that is what the WHO recommends, so she was interested to hear that.

Anyhow, I'll stop rambling on now. I really shouldn't be in this forum, I guess. I'm not really a lactivist.

I dunno...you sure sound like a lactivist to me! You were unable to BF, but you keep on spreading the good word anyway. That's some pretty groovy lactivism.

[RoadWorkAhead]

I've founded them at knitting stores and our UU church. Thats where I find most lactivist mamas other than LLL. I found that many of my kitting buddies nursed, and nursed for a fair while - Or didn't and totally are for it now. Its soo nice. I'd sit and nurse DD to sleep then knit and people would make such lovely comments about it. And well, the local CD store owner is a UUer like me, so we both EBF (well, when I wasn't tube feeding at least), CD, and have fairly similar ideas on birth, etc. Its nice to have both types of friends around. I admit one of my closest friend is the exact opposite of everything I want to be in a parent, and it helps me remember why when I see her and the kids interact.

[YummyYarnAddict]

Originally Posted by angelcat

Well, I wasn't able to breastfeed, and now I feel more alone, as I guess nursing moms don't even want to be my friend. Very sad.

I wondered why I was getting this weird vibe that some moms didn't like me. Now that think of it, they are all nirsuing moms, or did nurse when thgeir kids were infants.

Now I'm just really sad. I had no idea why they didn't like me.

And I never judged them for nursing. If the mentioned nursing thier toddlers I always said I'd still be nursing mine if I could.

:


I do understand wanting to meet other women who breastfeed,( I liked that I did have a mom firend who wasn't able to nurse either, and we could discuss formula, being sad about not nursing, etc) it's the refusing to be friends with women who use formula that makes me sad.


I guess this is good to know, though. I've definitely had moms look down on me, and I didn't know why.

I live in a relatively crunchy town and whenever a mom joins our parenting listserv who doesn't feel like she's up to snuff on the granola-meter, she feels a bit gunshy. I recently befriended a mom who posted that she tried to bf her first ds but had issues and stopped, doesn't cd (isn't opposed to it, but doesn't), etc. etc. but, you know, she's nice and wants to be accepted for who she is. I responded to her offlist and we met the next day and have gotten together quite a few times since.

I'm the first in my family to breastfeed and have gotten a lot grief -- especially once my dd hit 4mo old and was still "doing THAT" (my own family members asked me to nurse in the bathroom or outside) -- and particularly as a black woman who practices CLW, I hate to say it, but I didn't find my interactions with LLL positive either. It's been a battle for me, but I am a lactivist who supports other lactivists, but I also haven't "forgotten where I've come from" and when it comes right down to it, I support WOMEN and CHILDREN.

We all come from different places and we have a right to be heard and tell our story and need the time and space to do that. I've listened to my friends who have lived in neighborhoods (like the one I used to live in) that was very pro-breastfeeding and they were the only (adoptive) mom who was giving their baby a bottle and getting nasty looks. Or the mom who had to pump and give the baby breastmilk from a bottle and felt the need to say "this IS breastmilk, you know" to justify bottle feeding. All too often we're put in positions where we have to justify who we are and how we are to people we don't even know and people who don't have a right to the information, and it's just not fair.

I'm breastfeeding my second child and I don't get a lot of support and it is what it is. I come here and read and post here and there and I'm struggling with my own issues right now. Some pretty big issues, in fact. I don't know if I'll get the support I need anywhere -- even here -- so it's sad that so many of us on all sides of the issue end up in pain and suffering so needlessly when we should all be supporting each other.

You shouldn't be ostracized or criticized at all and you shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone. I'm sorry you've felt so alone in this. I don't know if it helps, but I once had someone refuse to give my dd a sippy of EBM. She said that she managed to nurse her two girls all the time and couldn't imagine why I would need to ever pump (I was helping her dh move furniture at the time) and be unavailable to nurse her. You can't please all of the people all of the time.

[FREEmom1120]

Originally Posted by angelcat

Well, I wasn't able to breastfeed, and now I feel more alone, as I guess nursing moms don't even want to be my friend. Very sad.

I wondered why I was getting this weird vibe that some moms didn't like me. Now that think of it, they are all nirsuing moms, or did nurse when thgeir kids were infants.

Now I'm just really sad. I had no idea why they didn't like me.

And I never judged them for nursing. If the mentioned nursing thier toddlers I always said I'd still be nursing mine if I could.

:


I do understand wanting to meet other women who breastfeed,( I liked that I did have a mom firend who wasn't able to nurse either, and we could discuss formula, being sad about not nursing, etc) it's the refusing to be friends with women who use formula that makes me sad.


I guess this is good to know, though. I've definitely had moms look down on me, and I didn't know why.

I am glad I have not faced that. I would be heartbroken. When it comes down to it though, people who treat you badly like that aren't real friends anyway.