Middle schooler (former homeschooler) being bullied?--help!

[HikeYosemite]

(Cross-posted) Our DS wanted to try out 7th grade this year, and he has surprised us with his excellent grades and outstanding comments from his teachers about what a nice kid he is, etc. But 3/4 of the year has gone by with only one new school kid inviting him over (he has other homeschooled friends and a couple of school friends from our old neighborhood), so we have been a little concerned. He has a tendency to be sensitive, shy, and anxious, and lately he has seemed especially on edge. Then yesterday he reluctantly and tearfully admitted that he has become the target of ostracism and teasing in school, but he doesn't know why. He says that he has no one to sit with at lunch, and when he does sit by people, they sometimes move away or even ask him disdainfully, "why don't you sit with your friends?" He has not found his niche, and he has been trying to sit with some popular kids he knows because he likes sports.

He also says kids frequently call him "stupid" and "gay." He is a normal looking kid--some even call him handsome--and clever, with no obvious social awkwardness except shyness. He can be strong-willed but he gets along with his friends well. It is extremely painful to find out he has been going through this kind of torture all year without telling us--he had been letting on that everything was okay. I am grieving deeply about this.

Of course, my reaction is to pull him out of school, though his father disagrees. He thinks it will cause more social ostracism (DS participates on some intramural sports teams with some of the school kids) if we do so. But I am extremely worried about the damage this is causing to DS's self-esteem and how it is contributing to his depressive tendencies (he mentioned thinking of suicide, though this might be a way of venting extreme feelings). Our homeschooling situation wasn't ideal, as DS was finding it difficult to find many available kids his age in the area, and I am not sure he will agree to drop out before the year's end. WWYD?

[eirual]

What about some extra-curriculars he's interested and good at? that can be a great place to find like-minded peers and form friendships. Have you ever read Barbara Colloroso's The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander? I'm mid-way through it. Good read. She refers to children who are driven to suicide (and it's rediculously more prevallent than one would think- so take your child's comments seriously) as a result of ongoing bullying as Bullycide.

Have you talked to his teachers yet? to get some third-party info on the situation. Guidance Counsellors?

[HikeYosemite]

Thanks for the book suggestion. Someone else PM'ed me about Raising Cain, and I've long intended to read that as well.

DS somehow got elected to student government for his advisory early in the year (he assists a handicapped kid, who is their class rep but cannot speak well). I think he kind of enjoys that, but the sports and homework and piano (a rather solo activity--the students even make fun of him for doing that!) keep him too busy to join anything else. There is a kind of Optimist's/community service club that sounded nice, but he told me only girls join it.

DS revealed this awful situation to me on the first day of spring break, so I haven't been able to talk to his teachers yet. If he insists on going back to school, I will do that. The consensus is that the guidance counselor is kind of a creep, unfortunately, and that he doesn't seem emotionally accessible to the kids.

I saw the Frontline episode on Cyber-bullying a few months ago, about a 13-yo boy that committed suicide after being mercilessly bullied at school and online, so I am extremely distraught and worried.

Originally Posted by eirual

What about some extra-curriculars he's interested and good at? that can be a great place to find like-minded peers and form friendships. Have you ever read Barbara Colloroso's The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander? I'm mid-way through it. Good read. She refers to children who are driven to suicide (and it's rediculously more prevallent than one would think- so take your child's comments seriously) as a result of ongoing bullying as Bullycide.

Have you talked to his teachers yet? to get some third-party info on the situation. Guidance Counsellors?

[damyen's mommy]

I have no advice but I am so sorry your darling son is going through this.
This has always been one of my greatest worries with my children. I was bullied a lot when I was younger.
Love and peace to you and your son.

[JustVanessa]

Ok here is my disclaimer- My son is quite little and I have not experienced this from a parenting aspect.


I was teased quite a lot at that age. I started a new school in grade 6 and never really fit in. My clothes were not as nice (my mother refused to buy $70 jeans etc) and kids were really mean to me. I experienced teasing, name calling, a boy spit on me once. I never let my mother go to the school because I thought it would make it worse.

While I don't think there is much you can do about the general teasing, I think you should talk to the school and get them to deal with kids calling your son "gay" and "stupid". Kids at this age think they are being funny and sometimes don't realize how much they are hurting the other child. At one point my mother and I say down with the principal and another girl and her mother and it did really resolve a lot of issues.

You can tell your ds it is not about getting the other child in trouble, its about getting the behavior to stop.

HTH!

[Alkenny]

Talk to the guidance counselor...his reputation may not be founded on anything, same as anyone else. If that doesn't produce results, head on up the chain of command-principal and then further if need be. This is part of THEIR JOB.

My DD is beautiful, smart, active and has friends...yet she had a few instances of bullying in middle school. (FWIW, she was NEVER homeschooled, so that had nothing to do with it.) We went through the chain of command because we were told she just needed to 'thicken her skin'...bullying should NOT be tolerated at all. Things did work out in the end, though.

My only other advice would be to make sure your DS wants you to get involved in this way before you actually do.

[Marcee]

Middle school is such a tough time and so many kids are so mean. I just had to get after my 7th grade (now homeschooled)niece for making fun of a Biracial girls hair when were at the local Easter Egg hunt. Her reason for doing it was that she "does not like that girl...giggle giggle" I told her to giggle her way to the car and that we would not take her anywhere if she treated people like that... I dont tolerate that from my own children either.

I really wish that parents would take a stronger line with the way they expect their children to treat other kids. I have no real advice as my older son (12) has not been the target of bullies. My 8 year old has but I handled that through the school and it took some time but all is well now. But I know that it is different with older kids.

[UUMom]

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[UUMom]

Absolutely talk with the adminsitration. Also, ask who his favortie teacher is and talk with that person. She/he might have some insight, and perhaps can offer a protection of sorts. Everyone needs someone to look after them. If nothing changes, can he attend a different, or smaller school? Tone is everything. Some schools do a really good job with this age group and some do a very poor to abusive job. It's a very vulnerable age. I also have a lot of issues with middle schools. This age needs kind kids to look up to and smaller children to care for and they need much older kids to care for them and set a good example of kindness. This age also likes being looked up to...and in middle school you're the bottom and top of the totem pole. I think that's very unhelpful for young teens.

[pigpokey]

That's just horrible. I have no answers, I hate it.

[msemmafarr]

I'm sorry to hear your son is having such trouble!

I've taught 7th grade and I'm sorry to say that the kids are just plain mean to one another. They're all insecure, they're all discovering the opposite sex, but only some of them become the bullies. I agree that talking to administration is important, especially if your son is constantly being bullied by one person or another, and I would also contact all of your son's teachers and counselor. A lot of times teachers have no idea what's going on (kids are sneaky and teachers unfortunately can't be every place in the school at once), and I always appreciated getting emails or phone calls that let me know to keep certain kids away from each other (whether it was group work or seating charts, or whatever). This also made me keep an eye on the bullies when I had hall, lunch, and bus duty. If I saw them stepping out of line I knew it would be more acceptable for me to send them to the office or give them detention right away, because administration would surely back me up.

Tell your son to hang in there! Things get better...is there a teacher or coach he can talk to about this that can be his support person while he's in school? Someone he can go to in an anxious time? School counselors are sometimes good for this, but it depends on who he's comfortable with.

I've found that usually the kids who are both smart and good looking are the ones who get made fun of the most, but this isn't much consolation to middle schoolers when they're going through it. :/

[PancakeGoddess]

I just want to second the idea of being in touch with the teachers and guidance counselor. I was reluctant to do that at first when we started seeing some worrisome social stuff happening, but now I'm so glad I did. They had very interesting insights and were suprisingly (to me) really paying attention closely. They can't make the kids be friends, but it is reassuring to know you can have adult allies in the school. If you don't get a reassuring conversation with the first few contacts, keep going. You're bound to find a helpful adult with contact with your son.

(Our 7th grade son is also in his first few months of school after a lifetime of hsing)

[mtiger]

On the other hand... we will always have people who don't like us, who talk about us behind our backs, who talk about us to our fronts! It's a life skill that we all should learn as far as how to deal with it. I'm not sure that running to admin is the way to go.

My son is, in particular... unique. He's hard to describe, but unique pretty well covers it. Tall, skinny, geeky, goofy, bright as a whip, pedantic, and... quite incredibly... a chick magnet. He's happy with himself. He's had his run-ins with kids at school over the years. He's been adamant about my not becoming involved and that he will handle it. And he does.

I'm not sure if this level of self-esteem is something he was born with or something instilled in him. But I do think that being comfortable with who you are - regardless what others may think - is the key. He's quite blunt about it - take me as I am, or eff off.

[flapjack]

I am in a similar situation with my 9yo. As a result of the ostracism and teasing, my bright and beautiful son has become angry, mistrustful and hateful- he no longer believes in the existence of accidents. Yesterday, another child ( with whom he has a history) bumped into him and pushed him over and Alex lost his temper and hit him I'm at my wits end here. I want to see it through and have resolution before we discuss homeschooling, but I am terrified of how much more damage we will incur whilst trying to do this. This could be your boy. For this reason, I say complain now- it could be that your son, like mine, is stupid and takes matters into his own hands and having the history there will help his case if it comes to it.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by mtiger

On the other hand... we will always have people who don't like us, who talk about us behind our backs, who talk about us to our fronts! It's a life skill that we all should learn as far as how to deal with it. I'm not sure that running to admin is the way to go.

But no one should have to go through it day after day to the point of making them uncomfortable about going to school It's hard to go to school when you are poked fun at for "any" reason. When a child is in a school atmosphere I feel it most certainly is okay to go to the principal (or who ever) and let them know about the issue. It's simply not fair for one child to have to go to school and be made fun of while other children sit back and have a great day each day making fun of him. Not fair at all. :no: I wouldn't put up with it. I don't care if adults do deal with people disliking them it's just not the same as spending a whole day in school dealing with it when you don't deserve it. There have been situations where it affected children in a way that changed them forever. How is that normal or okay?

[msemmafarr]

Originally Posted by mtiger

On the other hand... we will always have people who don't like us, who talk about us behind our backs, who talk about us to our fronts! It's a life skill that we all should learn as far as how to deal with it. I'm not sure that running to admin is the way to go.

My son is, in particular... unique. He's hard to describe, but unique pretty well covers it. Tall, skinny, geeky, goofy, bright as a whip, pedantic, and... quite incredibly... a chick magnet. He's happy with himself. He's had his run-ins with kids at school over the years. He's been adamant about my not becoming involved and that he will handle it. And he does.

I'm not sure if this level of self-esteem is something he was born with or something instilled in him. But I do think that being comfortable with who you are - regardless what others may think - is the key. He's quite blunt about it - take me as I am, or eff off.

But it is now fact that students who are bullied constantly with no resolution have more incidence of suicide, depression, self mutilation and school absences. How is that good for children? Yes, adults do deal with people they don't like. But they are better equipped to do so and aren't usually bullied physically. If you don't like someone at work, you stay away from them as much as possible and avoid confrontation. That's not always possible at school, especially if you don't tell anyone and no one knows to protect you. Self-esteem is hard to develop when you have kids at school telling you you're worthless, stupid, etc. etc. Telling the administration is DEFINITELY the way to go. I wouldn't want to risk this escalating any further.

[SJLove]

You've gotten some good advice. I am currently homeschooling but my two oldest want to try out public school in the fall. If something like this were to happen I would likely let them decide whether they want to continue or come back to homeschooling. I think everyone, even children, have the right to feel comfortable in their environment without ridicule and teasing.

[doctorjen]

OP, what you described is my biggest fear. I was that kid in middle school. I developed chronic nightmares and anxiety and it was years before I got over it. I'm now 37 years old, happily married, a very successful professional, and and experienced mother with great kids and I still worry sometimes that people are talking about me, which I think is all related to having been bullied.
I wish I had great advice for how to deal with it for your kid, but I don't. I can tell you not to do what my parents did (which it sounds like you are already handling it far different than they did!). My mother especially would just tell me the other kids were just jealous of me, they really did like me, and I must be too sensitive if I couldn't make friends. The impression I always got from my parents was that if kids were picking on me it must be my fault somehow.
My own kids have so far not faced this bullying issue to the same extent. My oldest is almost 20, and the best socially adjust kid I ever met - he has always made friends easily for some reason. My oldest dd is 13 (in the 8th grade now) and has had a little bit more trouble with "mean girl" issues, but so far she seems to have coped well without facing serious consequences. I have promised my kids that if it was ever as bad as it was when I was a kid that I would rescue them - take them out of school, whatever I needed to do.
Perhaps you can just ask him what he feels would be the best. Would he rather return to homeschooling or look into switching schools, just try to finish out the year and lay low over the summer? Ask him who in the school he trusts to have you go talk to - I like the favorite teacher idea. When I was in middle school there were some teachers that were as mean to me as any of the kids, so I'd be careful if ds tells you he doesn't want you to talk to a particular person, although of course you have to use your judgement if you feel like you have to talk to someone and he doesn't want you to talk to anyone.
I think having at least someone in your life just be generally supportive and affirm that it's not okay to be treated like that has to help, so I'd emphasize to him that it's not okay for people to treat him that way. At least you can let him know that you know this is not okay and that you are willing to help him.

[BethSLP]

Just wanted to offer support. I know its hard to watch your child suffer

Also, I wanted to share a story. I used to nanny after school when I was in college for a middle school girl. She is biracial (caucasian and african american). Daddy is african american and deaf. Mom is caucasian and hearing. She was a perfect mixture of both, biracial and hard of hearing. This was VERY difficult for her during this period of time.

At one point, I remember that she wanted to quit her school and go to the School For the Deaf. Although fluent in sign language (had been even before her hearing loss was discovered because of her dad), she really identified as a hearing person (and wore hearing aids and so on). She had this idea that by changing to that school, she'd no longer have difficulties with other kids etc. To me, she was trying to escape the unfortunate b.s. that comes with that age.

I was overweight as a kid. That was my "difference" and I had a lot of pain and hurt during that time too. We talked about things a lot, and she realized that everyone has a story like that, and while our situations were different the pain wasn't.

She's doing great now in college and totally come into her own. She embraces all her unique perspectives and enjoys them now. She is comfortable in her own skin.

I really don't know I've met ANYONE who hasn't experienced this at some point in time. I think something is learned from it. But I don't think talking to the administration is a bad idea. I think the culture of any given school helps this type of ugliness thrive or be squashed.

But sadly I think its a normal part of everyone having raging insecurity and using bullying/teasing to deal with their own feelings and worry about being excluded.

I don't think homeschooling solves this, because it can happen at the park, at social groups, etc.

XOXO
B