Spots to go nurse when out in public. - Page 3

[alegna]

Originally Posted by KurumiSophia

Because I'm offending people in my circle by NIP even though I hadn't intended to. And since I'm the offender, I need to find places where I can continue to feed my daughter when we're out in public but not be seen while doing it since what I'm doing is insensitive to others.

I've tried to tell him before to get over himself but he's not budging. We've got a marriage of give and take and so I'm giving since this is not something I'm going to win. I know when I've lost and so I'm trying to lose w/some grace by being proactive about finding places to nurse in private when in a public place.

No, you don't need to accommodate their requests. What you're doing is NOT insensitive to others. THEY are insensitive to your CHILD'S needs.

There are not many good private places to nurse.

Your child's needs comes before your husband's hang ups.

Stand strong, stand up for your child, stand up for yourself and don't be bullied.

-Angela

[alegna]

Originally Posted by annakiss

Your husband has some serious control issues. What astounds me most is that in post after to post you're defending them and accepting his totally inappropriate opinion that you're the problem. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. How others feel is not the problem. Your husband has issues. You should feed your child wherever or however you choose. You can do it standing on your head if you want. Doesn't matter. Your baby needs to eat.

And hiding out from others most certainly will decrease the likelihood that she or others around you will choose to nurse their own children.

:

Don't give in.


-Angela

[mamabutterfly]

Just to offer an answer to your original question, the only other really private space that's probably readily available is the car if you guys drive. The only time I've used this option personally is for my own comfort (e.g. at grocery store, can't nurse a newborn standing up too comfortably, literally nowhere to sit but a hard floor). But you could do it, a car is like your own space.

However I think many of us just cringe when we read statements like your husband's that speak to a mindset that we hope is old fashioned and on its way out in this culture. You definately are doing an awesome job mothering your dd but I"m sorry you have to confront these kinds of issues and negativity around giving your daughter the food she needs.

Reading over again this part feels really sad:

[QUOTE/]What will I say to her when she asks why I leave the room to nurse her little brother or sister? I'm guessing something along the lines of "Some people are not comfortable with me not using a bottle to feed DC2 so I go to another room so that I'm not being insensitive to their feelings and am being respectful of what they feel." I don't know if that answer would make her averse to nursing her own child one day. I pray not but it's not something that I can control.[/QUOTE]

That made me feel really sad for your dd! Flip it around with words that make it clear that drinking human milk is the norm for a baby human! Rather than buying the starting assumption from your dh and his family that bottle feeding artificial milk is the norm and you are a deviant.

It does sound, though, like there are some cultural differences at work here; maybe your husband's family has been inculturated a certain way, or he was raised that way, and while I disagree I just wanted to recognize that these things can be slow to change. You can let him know you respect his views while not choosing to change your own actions based on them. This happens sometimes in marriage, it doesn't mean you don't love or respect him (or his relatives).

You have a good idea in suggesting your dh might like hard facts - there are some great resources on the "stats" on breastmilk's importance for health, brain growth, reducing asthma etc. Maybe someone else has a link?

Meanwhile realize that cultural perspectives can be slow to shift but think of yourself as being a pioneer in that little subculture - your own daughter,maybe your nieces and nephews or whomever, will learn from your example, so be proud of the gift you give them!

[alegna]

Originally Posted by annakiss

This is ludicrous. This is not a mutual issue. This is his problem. He should solve it. Compromise is not an option.

This. Really.

You asked a question. Here is input from numerous well-educated women.

-Angela

[annakiss]

Originally Posted by alegna

THEY are insensitive to your CHILD'S needs.

Yup.

Originally Posted by mamabutterfly

It does sound, though, like there are some cultural differences at work here; maybe your husband's family has been inculturated a certain way, or he was raised that way, and while I disagree I just wanted to recognize that these things can be slow to change. You can let him know you respect his views while not choosing to change your own actions based on them. This happens sometimes in marriage, it doesn't mean you don't love or respect him (or his relatives).

This is good advice. There has to be a better way. You don't have to give in just because he won't. You are at a standstill. Sometimes that's okay. It's perfectly fine to agree to disagree. Eventually, I would hope, he would begin to see bfing, even NIPing, as normal.

The other thing is that by giving in to something like this, you are letting him control you and that is a totally negative message to send your dd.

[Flower of Bliss]

Out in public there are rarely private rooms to use except dressing rooms and bathrooms. A few more child oriented places have nursing/feeding/family lounge type rooms that are more private. Our Babies R Us has one and our mall does too (although it isn't even closed in by doors, it's just set aside and has couches and arm chairs and such). At other people's homes, you could try bedrooms or the like. If you're at a small Mom and Pop type restaurant and the only rooms are the dining area, the bathrooms, and the kitchen, well, then those are your only choices. (I personally would not recommend the kitchen or the bathrooms) We can't tell you about magical rooms that you didn't know existed.

I would encourage you to have this fight (or simply refuse to have it) with your DH. Your baby needs to nurse. You are not doing anything wrong at all. You should NEVER feel like you have to nurse in a bathroom. Public bathrooms are absolutely not appropriate places for eating. You don't list your location, but many states have laws that specifically protect a mother's right to nurse her baby in public. This gives the laws by state. I hope that you can come to a peaceful agreement about this that respects your comfort and your baby's needs.

[cellarstella]

If someone can't come to me when they have a problem with me, then I just play dumb like I have no idea what the problem is. I just don't feel like they deserve a change in my actions if they can't even show me the respect to bring it up to my face. I'd tell DH that as far as I'm concerned, there isn't a problem, because they haven't brought it up with me. I'll address it on an individual basis when they bring it up with me.

And of course I agree that you shouldn't change your breastfeeding habits if you are comfortable. I've always been comfortable nursing in public because it's just not at all sexual. People may get a flash of nipple for a nanosecond now and then and frankly it's not going to kill them! We've all seen parts of people's bodies we may have not really wanted to see, but we get over it. It's a cultural norm that nipples are covered and so when they are not, it's jarring to a lot of people. They interpret this as offensive, but we all know there is nothing innately offensive about a nipple! Just keep doing what you are doing, and if they can't get over themselves, know that you are the more evolved being of the bunch.

[nalo]

DD won't nurse with ANYTHING of ANYONE around her. It's really annoying and inconvenient but we always retreat to the car to nurse because it's the only place I can actually get her to eat.

[princessgrace]

I've found that people really don't care as much as you would think. I think your husband is being oversensitive.

Or if they do - who cares? People sit and make judgments about all sorts of stupid things, like your brand of shoes and the car you drive. Most people are more concerned about themselves than others - I really try not to let other people bother me!! Especially about something as important as nursing my baby.

However, that aside - have you tried a Hooter Hider? They are made by Bebe au Lait (I got one as a gift, from Nordstrom I think). My wiggly baby is okay with them where she isn't with a blanket, since the top is opened up so she can see me. I would make your husband buy you one (they have cute prints! a plus in my book hehe) and then tell him to shut up lol.

I agree with the other here to some extent, but you know your husband better than we do. Some people truly are squeamish about these things. I think people are being too harsh. If you can find something like the Hooter Hider that will allow you to nurse her but also make hubby feel better - that's the best solution.

[princessgrace]

I've found that people really don't care as much as you would think. I think your husband is being oversensitive.

Or if they do - who cares? People sit and make judgments about all sorts of stupid things, like your brand of shoes and the car you drive. Most people are more concerned about themselves than others - I really try not to let other people bother me!! Especially about something as important as nursing my baby.

However, that aside - have you tried a Hooter Hider? They are made by Bebe au Lait (I got one as a gift, from Nordstrom I think). My wiggly baby is okay with them where she isn't with a blanket, since the top is opened up so she can see me. I would make your husband buy you one (they have cute prints! a plus in my book hehe) and then tell him to shut up lol.

I agree with the other here to some extent, but you know your husband better than we do. Some people truly are squeamish about these things. I think people are being too harsh. If you can find something like the Hooter Hider that will allow you to nurse her but also make hubby feel better - that's the best solution.

[Turkish Kate]

I can see you wanting to be a little nicer if you're occasionally tactless and say things like "What a fat @$$, she shouldn't be wearing clothes like that!" But that's a far, *far* different thing from feeding your baby. Really. Not even in the same ballpark.

[alegna]

I would not lower myself to a hooter hider to please anyone else.

-Angela

[hellyaellen]

first my advice wrt the actual question posed:

there aren't many private places to nurse in public.

if you're eating at mom n pop type places you can try sitting in a booth and turn into the booth so that you're kind of facing the wall instead of the room at large. the tactic of facing the wall rather than the room at large can work in many situations.

you could also try the hooter hider. and you can go to your car. i used to pump in my car at work b/c that was my alternative to pumping in the bathroom. fitting rooms are an option. in other peoples homes you can use a bedroom.

now:

Wait a minute these people are too uncomfortable to even tell you they are uncomfortable and yet your husband feels you must bend to their wishes. wtf?

[Twinklefae]

Originally Posted by KurumiSophia

I wish it was so easy for me. *wistful sigh* Sad to say that I'm surrounded by folks who aren't as understanding of my nursing and are apparently offended by it. The thought of just staying home save for essential trips out such as to the grocery is starting to get really tempting just to avoid the argument altogether.

Why do you care? Are they more important than your LO?

Originally Posted by KurumiSophia

If I had concrete numbers or something, this wouldn't be such a battle since he's very into things that can be proven w/o a shadow of a doubt, etc. I tried the "it's normal" tact but was rebuffed w/"it's not normal for everyone. you need to realize that." So I'm rather at my wit's end.

The answer to this is "So? Who cares?" As for concrete numbers, what rock has he been living under that he doesn't realize breast is best?

Originally Posted by alegna

No, you don't need to accommodate their requests. What you're doing is NOT insensitive to others. THEY are insensitive to your CHILD'S needs.

This isn't an issue about your right to nurse. (That's what hubby is doing to distract you) This is an issue about your child's right to EAT. And honestly? I'd telly DH he's being a jerk, and whip it out. It doesn't matter how much breast is shown. YOU ARE FEEDING A CHILD. And if your "Friends and family" aren't uncomfortable enough to talk to you about their problems, than they aren't uncomfortable at all in my book.

TBH if my DP didn't tell family and friends to keep their thoughts to themselves, I would be really hurt and upset with him. He is my partner and it's his job to stand up for me, not spread rumours behind my back!

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by Turkish Kate

I'm gonna be brutally honest--my tact meter is broken today. Your husband is the problem, not you or your friends or family. Your husband should grow a pair and stand up for his wife and child. Rather than telling you that you need to be sensitive to the feelings of others, he should start being a little more sensitive to yours. Real men don't send their wives to hide in the bathroom to feed their babies. And you can tell him I said that, too. :P

Absolutley!

[mama_at_home]

Well I guess I will be one to disagree. I have been nursing for almost 5 years straight, I nursed my oldest in public til he was 3, nursed my twins in public, etc. But I totally get not wanting to make people uncomfortable. Are you usually in other people's homes or restaurants or what? If you are in someone's home and need to nurse discreetly, you can try sitting on the couch with your knees pulled up. It kind of supports the baby and your knees block the view. You can also drape the blanket over your knees instead of the baby or put a big couch cushion up. I've done that sometimes. Or just flat out ask "do you have a room where I can go nurse?" At the mall you can find a family lounge areas with couches to nurse. Restaurants are tricky if the people you are with are uncomfortable. I will normally request a booth and sit on the farside with dh on the aisle side to give us some privacy. Sometimes, though, there is just nothing you can do about it. I have asked people before "do you mind if I nurse?" and no one has ever said no. If they did say no I would have had to say "well, I need to nurse the baby, sorry." Anyway, I'm sorry you are in this position. Maybe the more you nurse around your friends and family, the more they will get used to it. My stepdad and granddad always get uncomfortable when I nurse so they just quietly get up and leave the room until I'm done.

[BetsyS]

I'm one that really struggles with NIP. I don't like to show my skin to anyone, even if I am feeding my baby. So, I was set to answer your question from that frame of reference.

BUT...then I read all the comments you made about your dh. I think that he's a little far reaching. If I was you, I might offer to cover myself/baby, but as far as removing myself from the situation EVERY time to NIP, I don't think I'd go that far. This isn't about you or your baby being uncomfortable. This is about your dh being uncomfortable. Do what you can to help him out, but he needs to grow up, too.

[stellimamo]

Your child's right to eat is much more important that your friends and family's delicate sensabilities.

The issue here is them. They are obviously overlooking the biological function of the breast and assigning sexual feelings to breastfeeding if they are that uncomfortable with you nursing. Sounds like they need to get to the root of what s making them uncomfortable.

Aere they uncomforatable with the fact they might see some skin or they uncomforable with the knowledge you are nursing in their presence?

If you are comfortable and your baby is comfortable there is no reason to search out a place that makes others more comfortable.

[Inspired007]

Originally Posted by alegna

No, you don't need to accommodate their requests. What you're doing is NOT insensitive to others. THEY are insensitive to your CHILD'S needs.

There are not many good private places to nurse.

Your child's needs comes before your husband's hang ups.

Stand strong, stand up for your child, stand up for yourself and don't be bullied.

-Angela

I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment. It took my dh a while to come to terms with my NIP but he got over it b/c he realized he had to...I was gonna do it regardless. IMO the husband has to defer to the wife in most cases regarding the baby b/c she is blessed with the motherly intuition and not the reverse.

I try to be discreet while nursing but sometimes people notice and if they do then it's their choice whether to be offended or not. I didn't do it, they did.

Also, I fully understand your dh's feelings about nursing. Our society looks at breasts as a sexual object. We would do better as a society if we normalized nursing more. Nursing has become characterized as something lewd and it isn't.

I honestly had a few issues myself with the way that it felt early on. It was difficult for me to switch my mind to the sensation of nursing not being sexual. Now, dh can't touch my breasts at all b/c I can't go back and forth. Either the feeling is sexual or it isn't. I choose for the feeling to not be sexual. For me it was a struggle. I don't really know why but it was what it was.

By the way, we're both strong lactivists now. Your dh should change for you and NOT the other way around.

[KurumiSophia]

Originally Posted by mamabutterfly

It does sound, though, like there are some cultural differences at work here; maybe your husband's family has been inculturated a certain way, or he was raised that way, and while I disagree I just wanted to recognize that these things can be slow to change. You can let him know you respect his views while not choosing to change your own actions based on them. This happens sometimes in marriage, it doesn't mean you don't love or respect him (or his relatives).

There's a bit of a cultural difference between myself and his family and friends as they're bottle feeders and I'm not as well as them being a bit religious as well so I'm stepping around a lot of issues that I can't change since they're other folks issues. What I can change, however, is how I act and what I do around them. Since they're not comfy w/me nursing in front of them, I am trying to find where I can nurse and than rejoin the folks around me.

Originally Posted by mamabutterfly

You have a good idea in suggesting your dh might like hard facts - there are some great resources on the "stats" on breastmilk's importance for health, brain growth, reducing asthma etc. Maybe someone else has a link?

Meanwhile realize that cultural perspectives can be slow to shift but think of yourself as being a pioneer in that little subculture - your own daughter,maybe your nieces and nephews or whomever, will learn from your example, so be proud of the gift you give them!

He's well aware of the benefits of bfing, he's all for me doing it but with more discretion than I've apparently shown and his mind's still blown that I've decided to nurse our DD until she's 2. (The original plan was until she was 1 and than wean. The amt. of reading I've done here on MDC and my own research has shown me that it'd be a good idea to give her that extra year.) It's just my nursing in front of others that he's got a problem with.

I'm just viewing it no differently than if I asked someone to smoke in a different room than me. My only wish is that those who have a problem w/my bfing would have come to me instead of using my DH as a messenger.