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S/O Coming out while in a het relationship?

post #1 of 93
Thread Starter 
So maybe there are a few of us here that are or have gone through a coming out process while partnered in a hetero. relationship.

Does anyone else want to share what it's like for them?

Anyone else with kids?
post #2 of 93
There have been a few threads of this sort, mostly of married women discussing being bisexual. I'm subbing here because my experience has been dragging on for several years and I've had a hard time making an actual change. must go play a game with dd, will post more later.
post #3 of 93
Subbing.... will come back later to discuss... but, Fireant, you're not the only one My dh is being super understanding and we are trying to work things out for all of us.
post #4 of 93
I'm in a similar situation, dragging on, not sure what's next. Not fitting in to the bisexual threads so much either.

I'll be back later too.
post #5 of 93
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyY View Post
I'm in a similar situation, dragging on, not sure what's next. Not fitting in to the bisexual threads so much either.

I'll be back later too.
Yeah, I'm not bisexual either.

It's hard to deal with IDing as anything at this point but when I'm not attracted to men it doesn't make sense for me to say I'm bi.
post #6 of 93
Thread Starter 
Ok, so maybe there aren't as many people here willing to discuss this topic as I had thought.

For those of you that have gone through something similar, will you explain some of the emotions you had?

I found my DP a support group (the one from the AJ site) that he has been contacting. I'm not sure if he's getting anything useful from it or not.
post #7 of 93
Hey Fireant

My situation seems "different" to me, only because (I think) that I have a preconceived notion of what "regular" women must go through and my situation is entirely different from that vision LOL.

So, here's my (very abbreviated) story.

All my life I've been attracted to women, had sexual fantasies about women from the time I was a young girl and sexual dreams about women. Being the intelligent, together woman I am, I just assumed everyone did that ROTFL. DUH.

All my life, I've been very involved in the gay community, partly because I worked in museums (where a LOT of gay folks work) and partly because I just seemed to have more in common with gay men and lesbian women than with het folk. Never thought that was "odd" either. The joke with all of my friends has always been that if we were going out, no matter where, if there was a lesbian within five miles, she'd find me and come talk to me. Ha ha ha... so funny. I found it cute and sweet that those poor women were attracted to me- an obviously straight woman- simply because I was cute and came across as "strong". Mmmm hmmm...

Fast forward to the past five years. The dreams and fantasies are getting more prevalent. I start to think about it and talk to friends and realize that I *am* attracted to some women... eventually I decided that I wanted to "try it out". All along in this process, my dh has known where I am, etc. I told him from the beginning that I was attracted to women, etc. and when I decided I might like to actually be involved with a woman, I told him that, too. At the time he wanted to hand pick a partner for me and I explained that that wasn't how it worked LOL. I think he was thinking "Oooh yeah, every man's fantasy! I get to watch!" So, we dropped it.

Fast forward to last summer. I met a woman at church with whom I just "clicked". So much so that my dh knew before I did that I was head over heels in love with her.

At first he was really angry, then hurt, then angry some more. I told him in Dec. that I wanted to date her and at first he said that was fine, that he understood, but about a week later he came unglued. The next few months were tense to say the least. Currently, dh knows that the only way we can stay married is if she is included in my life. I don't talk about her to him and I don't give him details. It's a sort of "don't ask/don't tell" scenario.

Throughout, this has seemed like the most natural thing in the world to me. Yeah, from time to time I've had panic attacks about social expectations, etc. but I realize that is MY stuff. I have only come out to a few people, people I know will accept me and not give me a hard time. DH outed me to his family, which is awkward, but they live in FL so I don't have to see them LOL.

Other than trying not to freak my kids out (7 and 4, so mostly from the "someone is stealing mommy from daddy" kind of freak outs is what I'm talking about) I am content and really happy with my life at the moment. Do I wish I could see my gf more often? Do I wish I could talk about her without hurting my dh? Do I wish I could go off on vacations with her without having to lie about it? YOU BET. Am I ashamed of who I am? No way. Do I feel marginalized or villified? Nope... anyone who tries that crap gets a quick lesson in "that's YOUR baggage" from me ;-)

I'm not sure this is what you were looking for, but, I hope it helped. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk (though, I'm leaving tomorrow for a three day trip, so if I don't respond til Mon or Tues, that's why!)

Lo
post #8 of 93
edited for safety
post #9 of 93
OMG Sphinx... I can so totally relate to so much of what you wrote!!!!

I want to write you a huge long reply, but it's my ds's bday today, so I need to get back to those preparations. I will reply later (probably tomorrow) but feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Take care!

Lo
post #10 of 93
Well, I'm having trouble with this issue myself.

For a long time I've been attracted to women. DP has known this for a long time, but it's always been kind of a "fun" thing- like, he'll ask me, "Would you make out with that girl?" or we'd have friends over and play silly kissing games. It was no big deal.

Lately it's been getting stronger, my attraction to women, and my attraction toward DP has been fading. We have some other issues to work out, and I have depression, so the root of my waning attraction may not have anything to do with my changing sexuality.

However I do think it's important to acknowledge that I feel like I've slid further toward true bisexuality on the spectrum. (I do believe it's a spectrum, and that it is possible to move back and forth along the line. He knows I believe this and agrees with me.) He kind of negated my feelings, however, and argued against them. He rationalized my change in sexuality with hormonal changes (got my first pp period last month) and my depression. It's like he doesn't' want to believe that there is YET ANOTHER reason I may not be in love with him anymore, on top of the problems we already have.

I am tempted to use this as an excuse to get out of the relationship. I know that is SO wrong. It's true that my sexuality has changed, but it's not true that it's the reason I want out. But it seems to be the least hurtful reason. He even told me that if I were gay he'd be able to accept that, instead of that I just don't love him anymore. But at the same time he doesn't think it's particularly notable that I am coming to realize my true bisexuality.

Does any of that make sense?
post #11 of 93
Thread Starter 
What if he never gets to the point of thinking your sexuality is particularly notable?

Does it mean anything to you in the long run?

IMO, his acceptance should be way on the bottom of the list what's important in discovering yourself.






Sorry, I'm trying to get some reports out quickly, I'll come back later for more....that's just the part that stuck out as immediate to me.
post #12 of 93
[QUOTE=sphinx;11029294]sisyphus... do you mind my asking... how do you and dh relate now? Is he permanently rejected and angry? Do you even want a relationship with him now? I know you didn't plan it, but a lot of women do this, and some partners are okay with it... but my dh could never handle that and i think it would really color the entire family dynamic. of course you don't have to answer me if you don't feel comfy doing so, but i am just fascinated because i don't think i could separate all the emotions to be able to pull off something like that.


Well Sphinx, dh and my relationship varies from day to day. He's always been majorly depressed and has a hard time dealing with it. He's finally on an antidepressant which has helped somewhat, but he has a LOT of issues (family of origin, etc.) that he refuses to deal with.

I've been asking him to go to couples counseling for YEARS and finally, after this all hit the fan late last year, he agreed... but did nothing to find a counselor. I found one for me, made my first appt. and he begged me to allow him to tag along and make it our couples counselling. I reluctantly agreed.

At the first session, the therapist talked with us for a while, then said that she felt we first needed to go to individual counseling, then, and only then (when we'd faced our own stuff) could we honestly work on the relationship. I have been seeing her alone since then and he's never gone back, not once. He admits that he needs help, but he won't DO anything about it.

In December, he said he was OK with me having a gf "on the side" and would figure out how to deal with it. That lasted about a week. He was angry, resentful, mean, etc. Yet kept saying he didn't want a divorce.

He says now that he understands that I'm in love with my gf in a way I was never in love with him and that he accepts that I need her in my life. But, and this is a HUGE but, I simply don't talk about her in front of him. He spends about half of every week out of town on business, and she comes over then for dinner, etc. (she's my weekly babysitter when I see my therapist). I rarely tell him when I'm going out with her (I just go out on my own when he's home to get alone time. He doesn't ask and I don't tell). It's uncomfortable, but it's how it has to be at the moment.

As far as having a relationship with dh, we've always done better as friends than as husband and wife. We got pg accidentally when we'd only known each other a short time, etc... long story.... but I've never been that "into" him romantically. I love him and always will, but I don't think I was ever "in love" with him, so that hasn't really changed.

My best case scenario would be for us to stay married *IF* and only if we can get to a place where the kids are healthier for it. Right now, I don't think that's the case, but I'm not willing to make any rash decisions. I'm biding my time, working through stuff with my therapist and I truly believe that the right answer will make itself known to me at the right time.

I'm not sure that's what you were looking for. If not, ask more questions and I'll answer as honesty as possible

Lo
post #13 of 93
sisyphus thanks for sharing that. I can imagine how difficult it must be for both of you. Your story resonates with mine, in a lot of ways. I understand about biding time, that's what i've been doing, and trying to make my own path - no rash decisions here either. I think my children suffer from the way that we are together, but would suffer in other ways with us apart, so for now it's got to be this way. mucking along in limbo!
running back to work.
post #14 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by fireant View Post
What if he never gets to the point of thinking your sexuality is particularly notable?

Does it mean anything to you in the long run?

IMO, his acceptance should be way on the bottom of the list what's important in discovering yourself.






Sorry, I'm trying to get some reports out quickly, I'll come back later for more....that's just the part that stuck out as immediate to me.
Well, I need him to accept it because it proves to me that he takes my change of identity seriously. I feel like I am completely up in the air right now- as far as my happiness in the relationship, my love for him, my pursuits, and my sexuality. But he doesn't want to recognize it as a true change, I don't think. It's like he thinks I will go to a therapist, get on a new prescription, and then everything will settle back down. This may be true, but I need him to accept that when things settle, they may be completely rearranged.

Recognizing that I am, in fact, bi, is like Step One in the process.

I also think that will make it easier for him to accept that I am not in love with him anymore, and even though it's not the reason for my falling out of love, it may cushion the fall, kwim?
post #15 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sisyphus View Post
As far as having a relationship with dh, we've always done better as friends than as husband and wife. We got pg accidentally when we'd only known each other a short time, etc... long story.... but I've never been that "into" him romantically. I love him and always will, but I don't think I was ever "in love" with him, so that hasn't really changed.

My best case scenario would be for us to stay married *IF* and only if we can get to a place where the kids are healthier for it. Right now, I don't think that's the case, but I'm not willing to make any rash decisions. I'm biding my time, working through stuff with my therapist and I truly believe that the right answer will make itself known to me at the right time.


Lo
That's how I feel, exactly! I too was "knocked up" early in our relationship (we were together less than a year) and up to that point I hadn't thought we'd last, even though we exchanged I Love Yous and whatnot. (That had nothing to do with my sexuality; I just didn't think he was "The One.") Unfortunately he has been in love with me from the start, and I unfortunately kind of "went with it" because I didn't want to hurt him. So I've been talking myself into staying with him since before the pregnancy, and then when that came along, it was pretty much par for the course that we'd stay together forever. I agreed to marry him (again after I convinced myself it was the right thing to do).

As the wedding got to be just a few months away, I suddenly freaked out and told him I didn't want to continue our engagement. I wrote him a long letter, "my soul just isn't in the right place," blah blah. Now after some soul searching I am "coming out" to myself as a bi person, and that just gives me more reason to see DP as more of a friend than anything.

He, on the other hand, refuses to believe that I am not as in love as I once was, and is constantly trying to "rekindle" our passion. I have a hard time fighting it, because he seems to need my love so badly.
post #16 of 93
I don't know if I can add much, as DH and I are polyamorous.

DH is the only man I've ever been with. I identify as queer, just happened to fall for a bi-man who is very in touch with his feminine side.

Honestly, we never would have married if my job offered insurance. But we've figured out what works for us. And I know if either one ever found "the one" we'd be perfectly content to co-parent our ds.
post #17 of 93
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoliMum View Post
Well, I need him to accept it because it proves to me that he takes my change of identity seriously. I feel like I am completely up in the air right now- as far as my happiness in the relationship, my love for him, my pursuits, and my sexuality. But he doesn't want to recognize it as a true change, I don't think. It's like he thinks I will go to a therapist, get on a new prescription, and then everything will settle back down. This may be true, but I need him to accept that when things settle, they may be completely rearranged.

Recognizing that I am, in fact, bi, is like Step One in the process.

I also think that will make it easier for him to accept that I am not in love with him anymore, and even though it's not the reason for my falling out of love, it may cushion the fall, kwim?
Ah, I see. I got it mixed up and thought you would be ultimately leaving him.
post #18 of 93
I am too emotionally tired to tell my "story" but I could tell a similar one....actively queer for 5 years and unexpectedly met DH. I began therapy to explore everything that is going on in my life...I am depressed and mournful and I don't know what to do. I did well at "suppressing" my feelings until I met someone.... it's like it hit me like a brick...what my life "should" be like in a perfect world..... Feel free to PM me...as I am sad.
post #19 of 93
Editing this out. Though if anyone would like to chat about the subject, feel free to PM me.
post #20 of 93
Thread Starter 
Editing out some stuff I quoted....but I'll leave my responses up if nobody minds.
Quote:
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I felt this exact way for years. There wasn't possibly any other choice for me. Luckily, one of my dear friends (who just also happens to work at a crisis center ) sat me down at dinner one night and laid down some choices with me. If I get a second today, I will scan that in and show you...I keep the list on me at all times.
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What really helps me is to remind myself that I'm not the world, the sky, the air, the ground. I'm one person on this earth of over 6 billion. One person that has a valid self. It may hurt him but he can recover and still live an awesome life without you as his *spouse*.
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And yeah, it may hurt him in the immediate but but but but it's much worse to look back and resent how you lived your life. How much more sucky is it to shove it down and pretend everything is copasetic when indeed it's not? Further, wouldn't it be totally horrid to know that your loved one did that for you?
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I think you become less complicated when you are simply true to yourself.

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Yeah, an elephant is sitting on your chest because you're only making the motions of going through life.

Again, besides it being sucky for you it's sucky for him and anyone that looks up to you. That's the real kicker for me. Think about what you'd want your daughter to do if she were in the same situation.
Me, I'd want her to be strong and live the life that was meant for her. I would be devastated to know that she gave up her life thinking it was better than making someone feel badly.

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Escaping by focusing on something else seems easier for sure. It's a common coping mechanism.

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Support groups that focus solely on this issue are sometimes hard to find. BUT you may be surprised that if you go to a lesbian group (social or whatever) that this is not an uncommon situation. Many many people have gone through some variant of this awakening.

I have to get ready for work soon but I'll try to get my list up for you.
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