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S/O Coming out while in a het relationship? - Page 2

post #21 of 93
Subbing. I don't think I want to talk online, but want to thank you all for the discussion.
post #22 of 93
Well, last night dh and I had a conversation (online of course...) and he told me that he is absolutely sure he can't do the poly thing and that I need to make a decision. The talk was completely civil and respectful. I told him that I understand his need for an answer and I want one, too, but I am working through so much major crap in my psyche, that I just need more time. I told him I'd ask my therapist this week about a time line/limit so I could give him a time frame to give him an answer.

Ugh. I know where this is going, but it is still so hard. I hate hurting him. I told him that this isnt' about choosing between him and my gf, it's about figuring out what is right for ME. He is so hurt and trying to be brave (which is so NOT him) and I do love him... but ugh. I feel terrible.

Do you all mind if I bring this here? The single mama's forum is good for some stuff, but not really the bisexual stuff, ya know?

Thanks for listening.
post #23 of 93
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post #24 of 93
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Sorry guys, carry on.
And thanks again, Fireant.
post #25 of 93
bjorker, I really enjoyed reading your posts. It's always good to hear from others going through a similar situation. Why did you edit it out?

Well, DP and I had a break through the other night. We went out together while DD at grandmother's, and talked about sexuality vs. curiosity, and what it really means to be bisexual, and what we wanted to change about our relationship.

DP made a proposal that I thought he'd NEVER consider, and I was SO relieved and elated that he brought it up. He wants to explore an "open relationship." He said that if I had feelings for another woman, he would not begrudge me a chance to discover myself in this way. He said he didn't think it was fair to keep me "trapped" so to speak, now that I am aware of my sexuality and I may want to spread my wings. He also made it a point to say that he wasn't hoping that I'd bring home a girl and he could watch, or anything like that.

He also asked how I would feel if he dated another woman. Honestly, I don't feel possession over him. I used to, but now that I feel "free" to date on my own, I am happy to let him, also. He said he isn't looking to replace me, but there are times when he wonders if we can provide everything we need for each other. He also emphasized that he loves me, will always love me, and would not do anything he thought would be hurtful.

And naturally our family and DD always come first. Anyone we may have relationships with would know that a) we are not looking for replacements and b) our "household" is not up for negotiation. I am Mommy, he is Daddy, and DD is the center of our lives. That won't change.

It's not like we're going to start taking out personal ads or perusing singles bars or anything. But now we have all the cards on the table, and we are both equals in this. And we are open to the fact that it may not work, in which case we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
post #26 of 93
I hope you don't mind me subbing... I don't generally think of myself as queer (though I suppose I am, when you get down to it-- I'm just more concerned about what's between someone's ears than what's between their legs), but this discussion seems remarkably relevant to my life at present.
post #27 of 93
eilonwy, i think what is between a person's legs is extremely relevant to what is between their ears. we don't grow up in a gender vacuum, kwim?
post #28 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by sphinx View Post
eilonwy, i think what is between a person's legs is extremely relevant to what is between their ears. we don't grow up in a gender vacuum, kwim?
Have to disagree with you but then again I have many freinds that are all over the gender spectrum and have serious issues with the word bisexual because I don't believe there is a clear cut line between two genders.
post #29 of 93
Thread Starter 
I'm looking for more support groups for my H. Besides the one on the AJ site, does anyone know of some good ones for the straight spouse?
post #30 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigo73 View Post
Have to disagree with you but then again I have many freinds that are all over the gender spectrum and have serious issues with the word bisexual because I don't believe there is a clear cut line between two genders.
You don't agree that society imposes gender ideas on us all? that's in large part what i'm talking about. i believe it very much influences us no matter what we may think of that genderizing or how we may experiment with it. Biologically there is something that makes me different from someone who is male. And being perceived and genderized as a woman has absolute influence on my brains and my mind. Nurture and nature both play a role in shaping who I am and how my brain works. Just to clarify.
post #31 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by sphinx View Post
eilonwy, i think what is between a person's legs is extremely relevant to what is between their ears. we don't grow up in a gender vacuum, kwim?
I'm not 100% sure of that (being a remarkably "masculine," yet entirely-comfortable-in-her-body woman), but it wasn't exactly what I meant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sphinx View Post
You don't agree that society imposes gender ideas on us all? that's in large part what i'm talking about. i believe it very much influences us no matter what we may think of that genderizing or how we may experiment with it. Biologically there is something that makes me different from someone who is male. And being perceived and genderized as a woman has absolute influence on my brains and my mind. Nurture and nature both play a role in shaping who I am and how my brain works. Just to clarify.
I do believe that there is a biological factor in gender differences (though again, I'm not convinced that it's necessarily related to biological sex). What I meant, though, is that I'm more interested in relating intellectually to people than I am in what's between their legs. I don't generally think about physical sex when it comes to attraction; I'm more interested in how we relate to one another mentally than how we relate to one another physically. Yes, there's a relationship, but it's not my primary focus if that makes sense.
post #32 of 93
ok, i get that.
post #33 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by eilonwy View Post
I do believe that there is a biological factor in gender differences (though again, I'm not convinced that it's necessarily related to biological sex). What I meant, though, is that I'm more interested in relating intellectually to people than I am in what's between their legs. I don't generally think about physical sex when it comes to attraction; I'm more interested in how we relate to one another mentally than how we relate to one another physically. Yes, there's a relationship, but it's not my primary focus if that makes sense.
:

Gender does not equal biological sex and biological sex does not equal sexuality. I have too many transgender/intergender friends to think it's that simple.
post #34 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigo73 View Post
:

Gender does not equal biological sex and biological sex does not equal sexuality. I have too many transgender/intergender friends to think it's that simple.
that is exactly what i was pointing out myself. There's nothing simple about it and I said nothing about anything equaling anything. I believe there are so many factors not only within but outside ourselves which influence how we think about ourselves, how our sex, sexuality and gender all develop. And that it's a spectrum that doesn't have easy answers. The point of my original post regarding it is that all of the ramifications of what is between our legs influence what is then in our head. I didn't say in what way, or that we could even necessarily understand how.
post #35 of 93
Thread Starter 
I care about what's in between someone's legs.
post #36 of 93
Thread Starter 
Maybe this would be an awesome S/O of a S/O thread.
post #37 of 93
edited for safety
post #38 of 93
geez, did i really kill this thread? thats shite. I am going to erase my last post.
post #39 of 93
Hey Sphinx!
I'll post so you haven't killed the thread! I don't know that most of my experience would be relevant either, dh and I being somewhere on the poly spectrum for 10 years now, but I did come out to dh as bisexual about 6 months before we were getting married. Poly was the result of many many many long talks, and he's come out as bi as well.

The Ethical Slut is a really useful book if you're considering polyamory or open relationships at all; and honestly, when we we've been monogamous (after DD was born I could not handle poly and we were monogamous for 2 years), the information on dealing with negotiation, communication, emotions and responsibilities for them was invaluable. It was also useful before I got pg with DD when we seriously discussed divorce (he wasn't sure he wanted children; I was sure I did.) even though none of the issues involved there were poly-oriented.
post #40 of 93
Sphinx, you didn't kill the thread. Most of us are probably looking for other people with the courage to put it all out there on teh interwebs first.

The Ethical Slut, you say? Great book title... a fun read? I don't consider myself bi or poly, but could use some communication tools.
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