S/O Coming out while in a het relationship? - Page 3

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by AmyY

The Ethical Slut, you say? Great book title... a fun read? I don't consider myself bi or poly, but could use some communication tools.

I found it totally fascinating. The examples are all poly related, but I found stuff like this useful to apply to other situations:

"Often, you discover a goal by tripping over a problem: "Last night, when you and Sam were in our bedroom together, my feet were freezing and I couldn't get in there to get my bedroom slippers." The goal is to prevent this problem from coming up again--what kinds of agreements might help achieve that goal? Answering these questions will require an honest (and often difficult) look at what the real problem is: is it that your feet are cold, or that you resent being kicked out of your own bedroom, or that you're feeling jealous and left out?

Once you've defined your problem and your goal, it's time to start figuring out a good agreement. It might be appropriate to do a "trial" agreement--to put a time limitation on your newborn agreement to see how it feels to everybody concerned. After the time is up, whether that's a week or a year, you can sit down to discuss what worked, what didn't, and whether to continue our agreement or revise it or scrap it."

[AmyY]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

I found it totally fascinating. The examples are all poly related, but I found stuff like this useful to apply to other situations:

"Often, you discover a goal by tripping over a problem: "Last night, when you and Sam were in our bedroom together, my feet were freezing and I couldn't get in there to get my bedroom slippers." The goal is to prevent this problem from coming up again--what kinds of agreements might help achieve that goal? Answering these questions will require an honest (and often difficult) look at what the real problem is: is it that your feet are cold, or that you resent being kicked out of your own bedroom, or that you're feeling jealous and left out?

Once you've defined your problem and your goal, it's time to start figuring out a good agreement. It might be appropriate to do a "trial" agreement--to put a time limitation on your newborn agreement to see how it feels to everybody concerned. After the time is up, whether that's a week or a year, you can sit down to discuss what worked, what didn't, and whether to continue our agreement or revise it or scrap it."

That is LOVELY. Thank you for that. I can see how it would be extremely freeing, and wonderful work both internally and relationally. Fantastic!

See Sphinx, thread all better!

[sphinx]

thanks. Does that book discuss things like bringing another adult into a child's life and such? because that is what we are both equally freaked out about.

And there's just a complete noncommunicativeness with dh... So I guess at least there should be no panic, since change doesn't seem to have any pressing pace around here.

[PenelopeJune]

I've been reading this post, and trying to get up courage to post. I just want to say that I appreciate everyone's honesty and willingness to talk on here.

I've been struggling for the past few years with the realization that I'm a lesbian. In fact, I think I figured it out right after DH and I got married a few years ago. Like someone up thread said, it was a DUH! moment where I finally realized that straight girls probably don't think about having sex with other girls. DOH!

I have not said anything to DH. I'm pretty sure I'm not bi, because even though I love him and we have a GREAT relationship, I'm just not into guys. He's never come out and said anything, but I think he must suspect that I'm at least bi because he's always making jokes about me "doing it" with other girls.

I just don't want to hurt my husband. I love him SO MUCH and our family life is so perfect. We rarely ever argue or fight, although I've been really testy lately because I'm trying to work through my own thoughts and I just don't have patience for anything.

I also don't want him to say, "Ooh, let's have a threesome," because I'm not really into that. I just know that would be the first thing he'd say. The other day, we were talking about a threesome (a frequent topic at our house) and he said that if I turned out to be gay like on Friends, he'd just have to move the other girl into our house because he wouldn't want to lose me. I just wouldn't want to do that because I don't want to screw up my kids. (No judgement on anyone who lives the poly life, I think it's awesome, just not something I think I could ever do. I'm mainly afraid that my kids, when they got older, would want to know why I would be married to their dad but have a relationship with a woman, too.) Anyway, if we ever decided to have a threesome, I'd rather make it a twosome.

So...anyway. I'm not sure if I'm even going to hit post on this. The good thing is that no one knows me here, so I don't have to worry about this getting out. But typing this out really helps me to feel like I've FINALLY told someone my secret, even if none of you know me.

Some advice on whether or not you think I should tell my DH would be awesome. I just feel like there is no point in telling him because I don't really want to do anything about it. I don't want to go out and find a girlfriend, and I don't want to break up our marriage. So is there even any point in telling him? I don't want to hurt him.

[PenelopeJune]

Whoa, I hit post.

[AmyY]

Originally Posted by PenelopeJune

Whoa, I hit post.

Go Penny!

What you do is really up to you. There are some resources out there for those of us going through this, and they all acknowledge that this is a big thing, however we choose to approach it.

I'm out to my H and as I move forward I feel greater relief being more out, even though it looks like baby steps to others I'm sure. I think that's key, what gives you the greatest feelings of relief and happiness. No one but you will know the answer for you. For me, I feel my way along there moment by moment, but the answer is looking like moving out of the closet is ultimately going to be where I feel the best. Each person finds her own answer though. Hugs.

[mazzystar]

Hugs and support to you Penelope. Agree with Amy, whatever you feel is best for you!!

I've been contemplating a poly relationship but I would rather just cut the sex out completely with my husband. It's just not there, I don't like doing it with him, and I'm just not into guys so I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that yes I am lesbian. Wow so that felt great! haha. I've tried to leave him twice, told him I was lesbian and both times, he heaped a gang load of guilt on me, so I stayed and commited myself to trying to make it work. But... these feelings will not go away, and on top of that, I have a huge crush on a friend of mine. Rough last 6 months.

[PenelopeJune]

Thanks guys. It felt soooo good to admit that. It's pretty sad that it took me so much courage to "come out" online to a bunch of people who don't know me. How the heck will I tell my DH? I think I'll just start dropping hints left and right until he gets it. Although guys are so dense about that kind of thing. Dropping hints never works when it comes to telling him what I want for my birthday.

Hey Amy, you said there are a ton of resources out there. Can you point me in the direction of them? I'd really appreciate it!

[fireant]

Originally Posted by PenelopeJune

Hey Amy, you said there are a ton of resources out there. Can you point me in the direction of them? I'd really appreciate it!

Sorry to jump in Amy, but here are a few:
I enjoyed this book: Living Two Lives: A guide for Married Women Awakening to their Attraction to Other Women, by Joanne Fleisher who also has this: Ask Joanne

Haven't gone there myself but have heard that classic dykes has some resources.

I'm just looking into finding a book called, Married Women Who Love Women, by Carren Strock

and From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life: Stories of Transformation, by Deborah Abbott.


You can search yahoo or any group lists and find a good amount of smaller online groups that are focused on this topic.

[fireant]

Anyway, we're on the same page with making sure our daughter has a stable, loving, etc. childhood. And we're both committed to raising her as a unified parental unit.

eh, more later. I'm going to be late.

[AmyY]

Originally Posted by fireant

Sorry to jump in Amy, but here are a few:
I enjoyed this book: Living Two Lives: A guide for Married Women Awakening to their Attraction to Other Women, by Joanne Fleisher who also has this: Ask Joanne

Haven't gone there myself but have heard that classic dykes has some resources.

I'm just looking into finding a book called, Married Women Who Love Women, by Carren Strock

and From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life: Stories of Transformation, by Deborah Abbott.


You can search yahoo or any group lists and find a good amount of smaller online groups that are focused on this topic.

These were the resources I was going to suggest as well.

I will say, though, that the Ask Joanne discussion boards, while highly trafficked and very active, is in the midst of a change and I'm not sure what direction it's headed. So if you see something on there that seems a bit dramatic, just leave it alone. Look at the topics that interest you and leave the rest.

Once you dive into this you'll discover that whatever you decide, it can feel like a change at the cellular level for you. For some of us that takes a lot of time to manifest outside of our own brains. For others it's like the blink of an eye. Take it all at your own pace.

[AmyY]

Originally Posted by fireant

You all may remember that I'm out for the most part. My friends and close family know but H's friends know but his family doesn't. I'm letting him be ready for that.

His co-workers at one of his jobs didn't know but I didn't know that they didn't know and I outed myself to them recently.

H now has 2 part-time jobs (I was the working parent). So I don't see him too often. I think this has actually helped us out emotionally and I'm not sure why.

He has some friends that are angry with me and some that can't understand how he can even stand to still be living with me. Oddly enough, I have some friends that want me to dislike him or make fun of him. That's not at all how I feel. I think people have a hard time with amicable splits.

So, our position right now is to be really honest with each other about everything...even when friends are bad mouthing the other (which I surely stop and correct when I hear).

I want him to be able to vent to people though. Whatever helps him understand what's going on is fine. My therapist found him a long list of local therapists that can help him too.

Yesterday was the first time I heard him mention his soon-to-be home/apt/whatever with excitement. It made me happy but I also had to hold back some tears...I'm not really sure why him accepting it is hard too.

Anyway, we're on the same page with making sure our daughter has a stable, loving, etc. childhood. And we're both committed to raising her as a unified parental unit.

eh, more later. I'm going to be late.

This sounds fantastic! I'm a few steps behind you there, but feeling the beauty of my imagined future these days is lovely. And I absolutely adore to hear stories of situations that are working out happily. Thank you so so much for sharing.

[AmyY]

Originally Posted by PenelopeJune

Thanks guys. It felt soooo good to admit that. It's pretty sad that it took me so much courage to "come out" online to a bunch of people who don't know me. How the heck will I tell my DH? I think I'll just start dropping hints left and right until he gets it. Although guys are so dense about that kind of thing. Dropping hints never works when it comes to telling him what I want for my birthday.

Hey Amy, you said there are a ton of resources out there. Can you point me in the direction of them? I'd really appreciate it!

Another resource I forgot to mention is a well-moderated Yahoo group called COAMLB (Coming Out As A Married Lesbian or Bi). It is pretty fast-moving and very gently but very well moderated, and is a place I felt very safe when I was first starting this journey out, in my head entirely, as it sounds like you are at this point. I haven't checked in over there in a couple of months, but there is tons of support for women going through this journey.

[NoliMum]

Originally Posted by AmyY

Another resource I forgot to mention is a well-moderated Yahoo group called COAMLB (Coming Out As A Married Lesbian or Bi). It is pretty fast-moving and very gently but very well moderated, and is a place I felt very safe when I was first starting this journey out, in my head entirely, as it sounds like you are at this point. I haven't checked in over there in a couple of months, but there is tons of support for women going through this journey.

Wow that is good to know. It's so hard to find resources for married women who are not lesbian but bisexual.

Just wanted to chime in also to say that I am not posting much at MDC at all really, but I am checking this thread regularly. It helps me tons to read everyone's accounts of their family life, even if circumstances are different, I can relate to everything. Thank you everyone for posting.

[AmyY]

Originally Posted by NoliMum

Wow that is good to know. It's so hard to find resources for married women who are not lesbian but bisexual.

Just wanted to chime in also to say that I am not posting much at MDC at all really, but I am checking this thread regularly. It helps me tons to read everyone's accounts of their family life, even if circumstances are different, I can relate to everything. Thank you everyone for posting.

COAMLB is especially welcoming of bi married women and the unique dynamics of that orientation within marriage. AJ (Ask Joanne) is a little slower on the uptake there.

I agree, this is probably a thread where many of us lurk and hope others will post, because our shared stories are so often kept only in our own heads and hearts.

Lotsa love to all!

[mazzystar]

Originally Posted by AmyY

Another resource I forgot to mention is a well-moderated Yahoo group called COAMLB (Coming Out As A Married Lesbian or Bi). It is pretty fast-moving and very gently but very well moderated, and is a place I felt very safe when I was first starting this journey out, in my head entirely, as it sounds like you are at this point. I haven't checked in over there in a couple of months, but there is tons of support for women going through this journey.

Thank you so much for the link. Joined today, awaiting approval. So nice to know there are other people out there going through similar situations.

[PenelopeJune]

Thanks for posting the COAMLB link. I'm still trying to figure it out, I've never gotten yahoo groups before!

[PhantasyMama]

So maybe there are a few of us here that are or have gone through a coming out process while partnered in a hetero. relationship.

I am one of those "few". I didn't really grasp what my sexuality was until I was married and had a child already. When I first really discovered it without hesitation I had already committed myself in a marriage, had one child and expecting another.

Does anyone else want to share what it's like for them?

For me I was terrified. I put too much trust in my husband. What I mean by this was..I guess I hoped he would somewhat try to understand and accept that I was this way. I should've never expected anything. I came out to my sister first. Then my dh. When I came out to him. He threatened my entire sexual identity to our Church family, my friends, his family and mine. So I beat him to the punch. I came out! For me it was a very scary process. I didn't want my husband to feel as though it was his fault. This was simply who I am. He thought that I should've already known and how it was complete murdereous of me to marry him and have kids with him..."knowing" this about me. I didn't "know" though. For months he interigated me and made slandering comments of gay rights..ect.

It's a process I work through everyday. As I want our children to understand equal rights. Unfort. I'm in a county that has anti-gay judges and will rule for the hetero. parent. Leaving me to either way my options of living out my openly gay lifestyle with no rights to my kids but supervised. Or hiding until they are grown.

My dp is also married. However her marriage has been going for 12years. As mine only for 6years. She has 3 teenage children. I have 2 toddlers. She just came out to herself in February as queer, before she identified as bisexual.

Anyone else with kids?

Yes. I have 2 daughters.

My husband knows of my partner. He doesn't support it. He "ignores" the situation alltogether. I think he's hoping I'll come out of this "phase". Although I've been out to my family, friends and him for nearly 2.5 years now.

[eilonwy]

I can't imagine being in that sort of situation... It must be difficult.

[sphinx]

How is everyone doing these days?
edited for safety