S/O Coming out while in a het relationship? - Page 4

[sadie_sabot]

I'm SO HAPPY to have found this thread. I'll be back when I have a few minutes to finish reading and to share as well.

[sadie_sabot]

so....when I moved to san francisco at 20 years old, I had these older dykes where I worked who were always teasing me..."when are you gonna figure it out?" they'd say. i had NO IDEA what they meant. LOL. I was so young.

at 25 I had this intense friendship with a woman who admitted while drunk that she felt like she was in love with me (she was out as bi) we made out a few times, but also she was hooking up with my boyfriend, and while we were all poly we were just terrible about it...lots of bad behavior, bad communication, and terribly hurt feelings. anyhow, after all of that I was pretty sure I was bi but not sure what it meant, what to do, etc.

Then I did start to figure it out, hooked up with some awesome women, started to become a little more sure of myself as queer, and then me and my male partner met and fell pretty hard for each other.

So over the past 11 years, while I identified as queer, nothing in my life really indicated that so much, and I felt like....like I was a poseur if I claimed my queerness, because there I was, living with my male partner, having a kid with him, and since having the kid we've been monogamous!

All along, people who have any gaydar at all have always read me as queer until they learned my family situation. My partner himself, when we first met, thought I was a lesbian, and has at various times joked (or was he joking?) that he figured there'd come a day when i decided I no longer wanted to be with men, and then he'd be out of the picture. He's one of those men who really likes queer women...not in a lurid sexual way, but he's tended to always have good friendships with queer women. He's probably 90% straight but 100% ally to queer folks. Our community is pretty queer, and of the five adults in our household, we have two straight men, one queer man, and two bi-queer women.


anyway. Five years into our relationship we had a baby, who is now five and a half years old. We had a really good relationship up until then. and of course having a baby takes it's toll. I now think that it's because our relationship was so good and solid that we took it for granted, not taking action as we drifted farther and farther apart. finally about 16 months ago I started therapy (for a variety of reasons), which has been awesome, but also led me to wanting things to be better, which led to couples therapy. our issues had a lot to do with politics; we've always been very political people and our activism was how we met and what we did together for the first 5 years of our relationship. But we've each had political shifts, but in remarkably different directions. there was also the issue of me not wanting to be touched about 80 or 90% of the time...but my sexuality was never part of the conversation. At the core of the problem was, i think, that he is not interested in the things I am passionate about, and I am not interested in the things he is passionate about.

After giving the therapy a good go, I reached a point of knowing that neither of us were going to be happy staying together and ended it. however, we are both staying in our collective house and have not told our child that we've split up. He got a bed for his room, but it didn't strike dd as weird; we'd just gotten her out of my bed and into her own, so it's just a thing of everyone has their own bed now. And she's adapted to our taking turns of which night we're the primary parent easily as well.

anyhow, within a week after we split, it dawned on me that I could now be the queer that I know myself to be! My mama friend was asking who I'd be dating now and I realized, aha! women, totally!

I'm not actually interested in doing any dating at the moment, but I have really reached out with both hands and grabbed my queer identity...We broke up jsut a month before Pride, and I had a great pride weekend.

but also? coming out, at 37? it's strange. i live in a wicked queer city with a queer community, but I'm at a bit of a loss. I also know it's a bit odd for me and dp (xdp I guess) to keep on living together, but that's about the commitment to the child, and since it's a collective house it has some chance of success.

I guess I'm pretty lucky in that xdp is super queer friendly. The other night I told him that I'm basically coming out, and I think it's made the whole breakup a little easier on him, even though, it's not just my queerness that led to the break up, but huh, maybe the queerness had something to do with the lack of desire for intimacy, eh?

anyway...how does one handle coming out at 37, especially when you're a mom and the dad is still in the picture?

And thank you all for sharing your stories.

[NoliMum]

You know, we talked about having an open relationship, agreed upon it, and felt much closer after putting all the cards on the table. But now we're back to the same old run around: "Don't you love me?" "Why do I have to initiate every time?" "You never kiss me anymore".....

I just don't know what to tell him. I keep thinking of women all the time, and even though we are "open" I don't feel that it's appropriate to go post a personal ad, you know what I mean? It's more important that we get our grocery shopping done and I find a new job... I feel like actively searching for a female partner is an irresponsible use of my time right now. Yet I want one, so badly! I am gay and I want to experience it.

For some reason, I feel like I relate to "gay" or "lesbian" even though I am still attracted to both sexes. I guess that is just cultural influence, especially having identified as "straight," looking through the window at all this foreign queer matter for so long... now I've gone through the door and my associations with each label are probably all mixed up.

Anyway, musing over....

I feel like he's forgotten that we had that relationship epiphany- accepting that we might want more than what we have to offer each other- and he's back to needing me, and I'm still not there for him.

Not to mention, he's also pissing me off several times a day in all those little ways- leaving the bathroom floor wet after a shower, neglecting to rinse the dishes, scolding me when our LO hurts herself under my watch- and I find myself fantasizing about single motherhood again.

We were supposed to start counseling, but he never called his employee assistance program. He wanted me to call, but wouldn't that be his responsibility, since he's the employee? He knows all his ID numbers and whatnot...

:: Feeling very stifled and unhappy at the moment.

[Sisyphus]

OMG Nolimum, I could have written your post!!

My dh and I had "the talk" in December and he said he was on board with my having a gf in addition to our marriage... yeah, that lasted about ten minutes. But instead of talking to me about it, he pouted and all that which just fried my bacon (I hate passive aggressive tactics).

In January or maybe it was February, we had another talk where he told me that he could not and would not handle my having a gf and I had to choose. I told him that I would put that on the front burner with my therapist... one thing after another started happening... I got sick and ended up in the hospital, my younger ds ended up in the hospital, my mom came to visit and on and on. The stress on me was monumental... through it all, every week or so he'd pressure me to figure it out and make a choice.

All the stress led gf and I to have quite a few fights and misunderstandings. She started drinking again (she's been sober for two years) and I started doing really self destructive things like smoking, drinking too much, eating crap, etc. It was a really negative spiral we were both in.

I did a one person intervention with her to let her know she had a problem and needed help to stop drinking again. I told her that I wouldn't be part of her problem and I wouldn't watch her self-destruct and just pretend it wasn't happening.... so, we decided to take a break from each other to work on our own issues, and figure stuff out separately.

I've been working with my therapist to figure out what I want. Well, I KNOW what I want... I want to stay married (for financial reasons mostly, but also because I really don't want to put my kids through a divorce and having to give up home schooling etc.) AND I want my gf, too. She doesn't get any of me that he can have.... if that makes sense. But, that's not going to happen apparently.

So, I made the choice to do couples therapy with dh and really try to make it work. I do like and respect my dh in many ways... and I love him. I really do. I just have no passion or attraction for him at all.

I am crabby about that... sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel knowing I am accepting a LOOOONNNGGG time without passion and that deep love I felt with my gf... and that I may never find it again. But, I really feel like I'm making the best decision I can *right now*. I trust that the universe knows what it's doing and that things will change when I least expect them to.

[NoliMum]

Originally Posted by Sisyphus

So, I made the choice to do couples therapy with dh and really try to make it work. I do like and respect my dh in many ways... and I love him. I really do. I just have no passion or attraction for him at all.

I am crabby about that... sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel knowing I am accepting a LOOOONNNGGG time without passion and that deep love I felt with my gf... and that I may never find it again. But, I really feel like I'm making the best decision I can *right now*. I trust that the universe knows what it's doing and that things will change when I least expect them to.

Me too.

I feel like my life could be so much MORE if I had the freedom to date a woman. And technically I do have that freedom... but I don't feel it. I feel like meeting a woman should be on the bottom of my priority list. But it's at the top of the "what I WANT" list!

DP has his band. That is his passion. He has poured so much time (2-3 nights a week for rehearsal, studio time, and gigs) and money into it. He just purchased a new $1300 guitar. I don't begrudge him these things. I am glad he is a musician! But I feel like our life together doesn't provide room for MY passions. Partly because I am mothering 24 hours a day, but also because he is taking up that space. If I pursued what I wanted as well, we'd have no time together as a family, and we'd probably be broke, too.

[Sisyphus]

Hugs to you NoliMum... we can commiserate with each other

[NoliMum]

How is everyone?

[fireant]

Blah

[JeanetteL]

Hello everyone,
I'm glad to have found this thread. I have been married to my dh for almost nine years, have two daughters, three and almost seven. My coming out story is too long to share in one post, but it really began just a little over a year ago - and this has been the most difficult AND the most incredible year of my life.

My DH and I still live together, but we are both in relationships with other people. We currently split time with the kids, and usually stay with our girlfriends on the nights when the other is home. My gf is also married, came out seven years ago and left her dh but they have never officially gotten divorced. She has a ten year old son but only has him every other weekend.

My relationship with dh is pretty difficult now. Until Christmas time there was still a lot of love and connection between us, but then he started seeing his girlfriend and moved full on into a lot of intense anger and resentment. Lately he's been really struggling with connecting to the kids and not wanting to be an active father which adds a whole new level of guilt to the process for me. Things would be better between us if we didn't live together, but I was a SAHM for seven years, and am Canadian so can't just pick up and go to work to support myself. I'm in the process of trying to enroll in school so I can get a degree that will allow me to get my own visa - but until I figure out a source of income I'm kind of stuck here, which leaves me feeling very vulnerable and at his mercy.

Anyway, this year has been a journey that has tested both of us on every level. I've written about it in depth on my blog...I don't want to share the address on this thread since so many of my friends IRL are on MDC and I don't want the blog to be public knowledge (it's pretty raw and incredibly personal and detailed) - but if anyone would like to read I'm happy to pm the address...I know when this started for me I just wanted to know I wasn't alone.

Jeanettte

[sphinx]

edited for safety

[fireant]

I hope everyone is well.

[fireant]

Hope everyone is well.

We put the house on the market this weekend. There is already someone interested in it. It's a buyer's market.

I got pre-approved for a mortgage on a new home. I'm searching the online listings whenever I get a second. It's totally a buyer's market.

I have no idea what town I want to live in.

I'm struggling with what surname to claim. I never felt welcome in my ex's family; I don't want his name. Yet, I am also hesitant to have a different last name than my daughter. A friend of mine suggested I take her middle name as my last name. I really like that idea. It sounds redundant with my middle name but that's ok.

It's all happening so quickly.

[NoliMum]

Originally Posted by fireant

Hope everyone is well.

We put the house on the market this weekend. There is already someone interested in it. It's a buyer's market.

I got pre-approved for a mortgage on a new home. I'm searching the online listings whenever I get a second. It's totally a buyer's market.

I have no idea what town I want to live in.

I'm struggling with what surname to claim. I never felt welcome in my ex's family; I don't want his name. Yet, I am also hesitant to have a different last name than my daughter. A friend of mine suggested I take her middle name as my last name. I really like that idea. It sounds redundant with my middle name but that's ok.

It's all happening so quickly.

Our daughter has both last names, hyphenated. That's always an option. I don't know if you have to have your husband's signature to change your daughter's name, but maybe he would be okay if you tacked yours onto the end?

As for me, we are doing okay. We've been working on connecting more, improving our home life, and having more sex. The third one is interesting, since I've come out. But I'm giving it a go. We're having fun, and that's important. "Broadening our horizons."

Still wanting to meet someone, but I have no clue where to start. Most of my friends are married.. to men.

[sadie_sabot]

hi all, my partner and I have reconciled and are in negotiations about having some sort of open relationship, both just because we're both inclined toward some level of polyamory, but also and especially so I have the space I need to explore relationships with women.

I am really happy to have reconciled and things are going great, but I'm also working really hard to hold on to my epiphany about my essentially queer nature and not let being in a relationship with a man eclipse that. I remind myself regularly that things are not black and white, that my sexuality doesn't chart on a binary, and I can hold the complexity,even if other people, both straight folks and queer folks, can't.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

Hi all... I havent been around MDC for a very long time now... and here I am searching for parenting tips with for me and my two ds's...
I came out to dh in June of '07... Moved out of the family home in December '07... filing for divorce soon...waiting on some tax stuff.

It has been hell.

My oldest ds who is 9.5 is angry... DH informed him of all kinds of things he should of never shared with him. Per our therapist... we were working on a plan to tell the children...and NOW was not the time.

H is totally against gay parenting... does not support me or my decision to be with a woman. He is borderline conservative. It has been really hard...mostly for my babes...

Breaks my heart.

So I have subbed here.... hoping to hear more from you ladies!

[dani76]

Originally Posted by HaveWool~Will Felt

Hi all... I havent been around MDC for a very long time now... and here I am searching for parenting tips with for me and my two ds's...
I came out to dh in June of '07... Moved out of the family home in December '07... filing for divorce soon...waiting on some tax stuff.

It has been hell.

My oldest ds who is 9.5 is angry... DH informed him of all kinds of things he should of never shared with him. Per our therapist... we were working on a plan to tell the children...and NOW was not the time.

H is totally against gay parenting... does not support me or my decision to be with a woman. He is borderline conservative. It has been really hard...mostly for my babes...

Breaks my heart.

So I have subbed here.... hoping to hear more from you ladies!

I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time. Luckily DH and I aren't at the splitting up part. We are working on opening up our marriage in some way, shape, or form. But I do dread that I will be where you are in 6 months. PM me anytime. I believe we kind of already know each other.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

D,
I will PM you. thanks.

[fireant]

Originally Posted by HaveWool~Will Felt

Hi all... I havent been around MDC for a very long time now... and here I am searching for parenting tips with for me and my two ds's...
I came out to dh in June of '07... Moved out of the family home in December '07... filing for divorce soon...waiting on some tax stuff.

It has been hell.

My oldest ds who is 9.5 is angry... DH informed him of all kinds of things he should of never shared with him. Per our therapist... we were working on a plan to tell the children...and NOW was not the time.

H is totally against gay parenting... does not support me or my decision to be with a woman. He is borderline conservative. It has been really hard...mostly for my babes...

Breaks my heart.

So I have subbed here.... hoping to hear more from you ladies!

I'm so sorry. Your STBX-H sounds extremely hurtful...it sucks that he's also hurting the kids.

I've been the kid with the dad who talked negatively about the mom. To this day (and at the time) I knew my dad was wrong and immature to do the x-bashing in front the kids.

[fireant]

Hi folks, Sorry this is long and random.....

This week has been a roller coaster to say the least.

I came out and filled in my boss about everything that's been going on. For some reason that has been hard for me to get up the nerve to do. I needed to let her know why I'm spacing out and getting a lot of calls. She was very supportive and claims to have the intuition to have known something was up for awhile.

Anyway, the evening I told my boss, I came home to my daughter having another breathing problem. She gets into these spells whenever she comes down with a cold where she can't breathe easily, grunting with each breath. Just last month she was hospitalized and dx'd with pneumonia.

I took her to a local redi-care where they measured her oxygen saturation levels and it came in at 87 (there is concern with anything below 91 or 90 depending on the dr.). I took her to a hospital that I hadn't been to before because we had a bad experience in the NICU with the other major hospital in town. Bad move. They didn't do hardly anything with her for over 5 hours. We got to the ER at 9:20 pm and left at 4 am because they didn't seem to think the treatments were as urgent as they are. It was beyond frustrating.

We were able to bypass the ER at the other hospital and take her directly to the peds section where they immediately transfered us to the pediatric ICU. She got a lot of steriods and breathing treatments and is now labeled with restrictive airways or asthma. Turns out she never had pneumonia rather she has asthma triggered by colds and other viruses.

I have her home now. She's on lots of meds and machines but as usual is in great spirits.

While in the PICU, the house was shown 4 times and is scheduled for a showing again today. We've gotten an offer that is only $2k less than what we've asked. The only part I feel icky about is that they want us to leave her swing set. I know I can get a better one but for some reason it makes me feel sad to think that my kid has to leave her toys behind. I've decided she's going to be getting fancy swing set in my new home.

So, it looks like I will be in a new home within a couple months max. I found one home in my price range that sits on 2.5 acres. I don't know what the inside of the house looks like yet but the idea of acreage for DD really excites me.

My ex and I have worked out custody very easily. I get her every night except Saturday night. We'll be flexible about holidays. We both aren't too big into celebrating the major ones but he especially doesn't care about Christmas, etc. I'm going to start celebrating holidays and maybe even get a tree this year. I'm not Christian but I would like give DD those warm fuzzies that Christmas can give you when it's kept simple and in the spirit of joy and thanks. Since being together, my ex and I have always gone to his folks' house on Christmas (to catch up with all of the family more than anything else) and so my side of the family has their celebration before or after the actual calendar holiday. I would like to continue this tradition so it doesn't rock my family's norm and also I think it's nice that my DD can grow up having a Christmas at a loving grandparent's home. I try to see it through her eyes and I think it looks like a fun memory.

Oh, and I will take her trick-or-treating this year. I plan on making her a costume ASAP. She says she wants to be a cloud. I suspect that we'll revisit Halloween yearly.

We want to share her birthday by having a main party together. Currently, we live close to my family but ex's family is 4 hours away. I'm assuming they will want to something small for her up north too and that's fine. In a way, I think custody is easy for us in that our daughter is used to seeing just one parent at a time (we work opposite hours to keep her out of daycare). Ex will get her every week day while I'm at work. It's very close to the custody we're doing now except that I will have one night without her.

Since I'm the one making more money (almost double) I will be paying money into a savings account for DD regularly. This is in lieu of any other payments such as alimony because ex was a house-husband for many years. When DD is older, my payments may shift into paying for Montessori or other special things. This is something I've set up rather than ex-asking for from me. She's already in 3 classes with me (tumbling, yoga, and music) and once she seems interested in a particular activity more than the other, I will put her in a more focused program. I also want to start taking her to a Chinese language immersion program here. My mother goes to China every year and I think learning Mandarin would benefit DD.

I'm thinking about getting a rescue dog after things have settled down... like in 6 months or so. I've always wanted a dog and a fenced yard and those go together well. For various reasons, my ex never wanted either a fence or a dog. A fence will be so luxurious! Any ideas of anything dog, let me know. I know I'd prefer a mixed breed and mature dog (aka I'm not looking for a puppy).

It's truly odd, I feel much closer to my ex as a friend than I did as a spouse.

Last night, I came out to my father and he was amazingly supportive. He lives in California and I'm in Michigan so we don't see each other often. I'm also not very close to him. One of my sisters already told him about the divorce when DD was in the PICU. I asked her to do that for me because I didn't think I could bear telling another person the whole story all over again right now. My shock at him being supportive was mostly about the divorce which is strange that I would think other since he's been married FIVE times. But everyone that knew ex and I as spouses knew us as very close and beyond loving to each other so it's been hard for people to hear the news of our divorce.

Oh, I'm also set on taking my daughter's middle name as my last name. It quickly grew on me.

[NoliMum]

fireant- Wow, it seems like your situation has really worked out beautifully. You and ex are friends, you are finding a new home with features you couldn't have before, you found support in your father, and you got a good offer on your house. Except for the asthma, yay for you! I do hope your DD gets better soon, and hopefully now that it's been diagnosed, the asthma will only need occasional maintenance from now on.