S/O Coming out while in a het relationship? - Page 5

[fireant]

Just another update:

I'm having a hard time deciding on a home. I really want to buy rather than rent...I have so much more freedom in a home that is mine.

I'm torn on neighborhoods and home features. I put an offer on a home that is in neighborhood that is heavily rainbow-flagged. I thought this was a good sign but I haven't heard back on my offer and I wrote in the offer that they had to get back with me by the 20th...

So, I'm looking at homes again on Friday. My realtor knows that I'm interested in a lesbian-friendly neighborhood so that's where our focus is right now.

Everything else is going as planned.

[JenniferH]

This thread has been helpful for me. While my BF and I are not considering an open or poly relationship, we are considering experimenting with "group adventures" in the bedroom (as a couple only). I suppose you could call it swinging, threesomes, or group sex - whatever.

The communication issues and the mental blocks are going to be much the same, I think. There are some trust issues and boundary issues that we will have to discuss, and we aren't going to jump in headfirst, but take it a step at a time. We want to stay together and build our couple/family unit, with the priority placed on that, but still experiment together.

Totally new ground for both of us, and I'll be keeping my eye on this thread.

[fireant]

I find that interesting. Originally, I thought I could do the poly thing or maybe have an open relationship.

Now I know that I was seeking out a way to keep my marriage (my safety) intact while being my "true self".

Where I'm at now shows that it didn't work out that way for me but I'm curious how many times that truly works out for people.

It was easier to say that I was bi (much more culturally accepted) than to admit that I am a lesbian.

[sphinx]

hey fireant. I know what you mean. I also am curious how this works for people. I found out that I can't do it. I don't have enough energy to dedicate to more than one person.

Things got very messy with my dh and I have decided to give it a real committed try with him, before I give up all hope.

and p.s. i wish there were such a thing as a lesbian neighborhood within about 200 miles from here... it would just make me feel a little more comfortable in daily life, even if i'm not actually going outside my marriage.

[fireant]

I hope I didn't sound like an ass.

It's just that I cringe a little (or a lot) when I read posts that sound like something I could've said a year ago. I wish I had had the guts to direct my life a long time ago.

I was so so so scared at the thought of being alone, being like my mother or my father, or whatever, that I did what I thought was the "safe" and "right" thing. I clung so tightly to the comfort I thought I had with my het. marriage that my whole spirit was diluted.

Living years upon years of a passive, apathetic life is not something I wanted to model for my daughter.

[sphinx]

Originally Posted by fireant

I hope I didn't sound like an ass.

It's just that I cringe a little (or a lot) when I read posts that sound like something I could've said a year ago. I wish I had had the guts to direct my life a long time ago.

I was so so so scared at the thought of being alone, being like my mother or my father, or whatever, that I did what I thought was the "safe" and "right" thing. I clung so tightly to the comfort I thought I had with my het. marriage that my whole spirit was diluted.

Living years upon years of a passive, apathetic life is not something I wanted to model for my daughter.

sorry - are you responding to jennifer h's experimentation? or to me saying that i'm going to give it a committed try? or - something else? you didn't sound like an ass at any time...

dh says he can't see my effort... I'd say giving up a lover to try again with him should be great evidence. I have heard of people rediscovering the love they once had for each other; i thought it deserved a chance with us... but it's not going very well. I don't feel he will ever be able to accept me, and he doesn't trust me anymore, nor do I him... we are not able to communicate well. It makes it hard to rebuild something...

I'm not afraid of being alone, I already have been alone in this marriage for years, and I live in a different flat from him and have 90 percent care of my children. I don't have social-personal issues admitting that I'm a lesbian - i came out in college and had relationships with women. But it's just that i want to believe that some things last... and i do still love him... and the family and the children and all that, I don't know. Is this you a year ago?

[fireant]

Oops...I was too vague (and still possibly an ass go me!)I was refering to JenniferH's and other posts where it's seems like staying in the het. relationship is still a goal.

[sphinx]

well i think that's what i am trying to do - stay in the het relationship - but it doesn't feel like a very realistic goal at this point and i'm wondering exactly why we are both fighting for something that seems so impossible..

[Indigo73]

I am comfortably poly (over 10 years) and knew I was bi since puberty.

If it is what works for you, it works for you.

[wheresthealoha]

I have a similar story and it feels really great to know I'm not alone. My soon to be ex-spouse and I were doing well getting along as friends until Wed night when I found out he told MY MOTHER about me having a gf.
I was beyond pissed. I can't believe he thought it was his place to tell my mom that info.

So now I can't be nice and go out of my way for him...not for a while anyway. I'm too angry.

Thanks ladies for sharing all ur stories and all the resources. It means a lot.

[NoliMum]

Originally Posted by wheresthealoha

I have a similar story and it feels really great to know I'm not alone. My soon to be ex-spouse and I were doing well getting along as friends until Wed night when I found out he told MY MOTHER about me having a gf.
I was beyond pissed. I can't believe he thought it was his place to tell my mom that info.

So now I can't be nice and go out of my way for him...not for a while anyway. I'm too angry.

Thanks ladies for sharing all ur stories and all the resources. It means a lot.

: That is really crossing the line in terms of privacy, familial relations, etc... I mean, it's your mom. Did he give a reason? I can't imagine my DP calling my mom up, "Oh did you know your daughter is bisexual?"

[loveandmore]

Thanks guys. It felt soooo good to admit that.

[Questioning]

This last weekend, I told my DH that I have poly feelings (other men) - which I've known since before we started dating, but I thought I could commit to a mono relationship. However, DH is very conservative, and basically said that he couldn't accept that and we should "Agree to disagree". I am beyond hurt with how he reacted - and I have no idea how we can agree to disagree. What's worse is we're relatively new to our area (we moved for my job), and I don't have any friends that I can talk to - DH is/was my best friend. But he seems to think that I can just forget about my feelings for other people and it will go away.

He knows about the current guy - I've told him everything that has happened between us - and at first said he was OK with the emotional involvement we have, but didn't want physical involvement beyond what had already happened. Then last night blew up and said that I couldn't have any emotional or physical involvement with another guy.

We've been together for 10 years, married for 4, and have 4 little ones at home. I have no interest in leaving him. I know that he's had feelings for other women, but he refuses to admit that he might actually enjoy a deeper relationship with any of them - it would go against his Christian background. So I'm at work struggling to do anything - and feeling myself falling into a deep depression. I have no idea how to deal with this -this is the first time that we've hit something that I can't figure out how to compromise on.