Would you ever consider being a surrogate?

[limabean]

This is probably a bad time to ask this, as we're probably the most uncomfortably pregnant we're going to get, but I'm just curious -- have you ever considered being a surrogate? Until recently, my answer was an unequivocal and resounding NO -- I just couldn't imagine handing my newborn baby over to someone else, and didn't want to put myself through potential emotional trauma.

But my SIL has been struggling with infertility for the past couple of years, and my heart just aches for her. She's still trying IVF, but the next step if this next cycle doesn't work would be surrogacy (using her and her DH's frozen embryos, so the baby would be genetically theirs). So far, she's only talked about going through an agency (which is apparently very expensive, like tens of thousands of dollars).

I haven't mentioned anything, and wouldn't without having many *serious* discussions with DH, but I have to admit that my first internal instinct when she mentioned this was "I'll do it!"

I was surprised to have that reaction after I've been so against it in the past, but there it was. Has anyone else ever considered surrogacy?

[pixiepunk]

i wouldn't consider it generally speaking, like for a stranger or even an acquaintance, but if it was my brother and his wife or one of my bestest friends, i might. it's a huge thing to take on, though. it certainly wouldn't be w/out a *lot* of deep thought and discussion with DH.

[upnorthmama]

I would FOR SURE!

[limabean]

Originally Posted by pixiepunk

it certainly wouldn't be w/out a *lot* of deep thought and discussion with DH.

Yes, totally. Things I've been wondering/worrying about recently are:

--Are there insurance issues when a woman carries a child for someone else? Or does her insurance cover it just like any other pregnancy?

--Since 2 embryos would be implanted, the likelihood of a high-risk pregnancy goes up, along with the likelihood of having a c-section -- would I be willing to undergo a c-section after having had 2 vaginal deliveries of my own? It may sound selfish, but I really don't know.

--Could I live with the guilt if something went wrong with the pregnancy and one or both babies died?

--Would having the baby be genetically theirs make it easier to deal with not having a newborn(s) in the house after carrying it (them) for 9 months?

--Would the fact that this would be my niece and/or nephew and I'd see them frequently make it easier or harder emotionally? What about for my SIL -- would it be easier or harder for her to have a close relationship with the person carrying her child(ren)?

So many questions/considerations. Truthfully, for my SIL's sake and my own, I really hope this next cycle of IVF works!!

[paphia]

I think I would if it was for a family member or close friend. I'd prefer being able to pump and donate the milk too, so living near enough to do that might be a consideration, too. Having children has been such a gift, I can't imagine the heartache of those who struggle to get pregnant. But at the same time, it would be really hard to hand the baby over to someone else after carrying him or her for nine months.

[blizzard_babe]

I totally would. A few years back, my sister had a mysterious growth (the size of a deflated volleyball) attached to her reproductive organs. They weren't sure, when they went in for surgery, if (a) it was cancerous or benign, and (b) whether they would be able to remove it without damaging her reproductive organs. I promised her then that if she couldn't have kids and ever wanted to, that I'd be her "baby incubator." Well, it was benign and they were able to leave all her parts intact, so hopefully it'll never come to it... but the offer is out there.

[xekomaya]

For a sister, in the situation you described where it is genetically their baby, I would probably do it. The only thing I'd probably consider is my potential health risks - I don't know anything about the procedure.

[kjoy2]

I have a friend who is currently undergoing lots of treatments for cancer, which can leave you SOL in the reproductive department. I would carry a baby for her in the future if she is not able to, and I've already told her that. I would only carry a single baby, however, not multiples. I can't imagine carrying a baby for a stranger, though, to be honest. I also believe that adoption can be a solution for having children, so that weighs into my consideration. Lots to think about w/this issue!

[Telle Bear]

I have thought about it as well, and I think the hardest thing would be handing over the "control". What if they decided to circ, vax or hit or anything else that I have STRONG feelings about. I decided that I couldn't do it unless these type of topics were discussed...

[Chinese Pistache]

No, not now. I might if I were younger, and only for my sister or best friend (and it would have to be biologically theirs). Now, I'm just too tired.

[s_kristina]

No I wouldn't being pg is just too difficult for me. We are very done after this little guy is born and I wouldn't think of going through another high risk pg for anyone else.

[AmyMay]

One of my good friends just delivered her first surrogate baby last week, and her experience was amazing!

I'll have to ask her to come her and explain more...

[BlueIrises]

Originally Posted by limabean

Yes, totally. Things I've been wondering/worrying about recently are:

--Are there insurance issues when a woman carries a child for someone else? Or does her insurance cover it just like any other pregnancy?

--Since 2 embryos would be implanted, the likelihood of a high-risk pregnancy goes up, along with the likelihood of having a c-section -- would I be willing to undergo a c-section after having had 2 vaginal deliveries of my own? It may sound selfish, but I really don't know.

--Could I live with the guilt if something went wrong with the pregnancy and one or both babies died?

--Would having the baby be genetically theirs make it easier to deal with not having a newborn(s) in the house after carrying it (them) for 9 months?

--Would the fact that this would be my niece and/or nephew and I'd see them frequently make it easier or harder emotionally? What about for my SIL -- would it be easier or harder for her to have a close relationship with the person carrying her child(ren)?

So many questions/considerations. Truthfully, for my SIL's sake and my own, I really hope this next cycle of IVF works!!

Having done IVF to conceive my son, I have thought about surrogacy many times. In my heart I would love to do it and help out someone who is suffering the same pain I went thru when I was TTC. I am now PG with #2 who is the result of a totally natural surprise. I still love the idea of being a surrogate, esp since I love being PG...I feel wonderful when PG...but I do worry about all those things you listed about and add to that the fear of myself dying during childbirth leaving my own two children w/o a mother. I think where I am now family wise and age wise (will be 35 soon) I think I would only do it for my sister. Although I technically am considered avanced maternal age at 35, I would load up on drugs and donate lots of eggs...I have great eggs...just crappy tubes...

Best wishes for your SIL!

[katiesk]

I would definitely be all for it - if it were something that I believed in...by that I mean that I feel so very strongly that there are countless numbers of children already in the world who need short term if not long term homes. I get frustrated and sad at the thought of how much money and effort people will put into becoming pregnant when that money and effort could go so far in helping save lives of babies and children. Granted, I have not been in the situation, and obviously it's not my business to judge. But I don't understand. I was seriously considering getting a hysterectomy myself before becoming pregnant, because I feel that I have alot of love for a potential family, and alot to offer, and I know very well that there are kids that need someone to care for them. Given my feelings about all of this, I don't think I could justify going to such lengths to bring a life into the world, when there are already so many going unnoticed.

Additionally, I believe that mother nature has population control in mind, and who am I to usurp that? Doesn't seem smart...

[Ironica]

I've let it be a possibility, mostly because we KNOW this is our very last baby (DH and I were both set on two kids before we ever even met!). I told myself that, if for some reason I wanted another crack at pregnancy/childbirth, surrogacy is an option.

Then I went through the first trimester. Oy. No, no, NO! Not doing that to myself again, ever!

Besides which, by the time I and my body would be ready, I'd be at least 36. Not a good candidate at all.

DH and I are both onlies, so we'd never be in a situation where a sibling needed such help... it would likely be for friends or people we met through our community. There are a *lot* of gay couples who want to be parents in our part of the world, and surrogacy is usually much easier for them than adoption, sad to say (if the donor sperm come from one of the couple, he is legally the bio father of the child, and has parental rights by default... then the other can adopt, since there's no objection from either bio parent... but it's hard for a "single" man to adopt an infant).

[snugglebutter]

I personally wouldn't be able to do it. I don't qualify anyway, because of my health history.

[chely7425]

I don't think I could do it... but if it were my sister then I might think harder about it. I would definitely love to be an egg donor though.

[oyinmama]

Originally Posted by katiesk

I would definitely be all for it - if it were something that I believed in...by that I mean that I feel so very strongly that there are countless numbers of children already in the world who need short term if not long term homes. I get frustrated and sad at the thought of how much money and effort people will put into becoming pregnant when that money and effort could go so far in helping save lives of babies and children. Granted, I have not been in the situation, and obviously it's not my business to judge. But I don't understand. I was seriously considering getting a hysterectomy myself before becoming pregnant, because I feel that I have alot of love for a potential family, and alot to offer, and I know very well that there are kids that need someone to care for them. Given my feelings about all of this, I don't think I could justify going to such lengths to bring a life into the world, when there are already so many going unnoticed.

Additionally, I believe that mother nature has population control in mind, and who am I to usurp that? Doesn't seem smart...

i totally agree with these excellent points. my only departure comes at the 'all for it' part... i am not a big enough fan of being pregnant to consider doing it for a living. BUT for a sister or SIL who was undergoing heartache i definitely see how it could be an ultimate gift of love and family.

[milosmomma]

I would absolutely do it for my sister....although if it came to that point, I think that she'd probably just adopt a child that needed a family.

I'd probably do it for a few of my friends, but I'd have to think about it a little longer.

Anybody else....I'm just not sure.

Watching Amelia talk to my belly now, I'd worry that it would be too difficult and confusing for my kids. I THINK I'd feel okay if I explained that it was their cousin, but I'm not sure if I could make her comfortable with the fact that the baby would go away to another family that wasn't as close to us.

That being said, I think that it's absolutely amazing that women do this and I think that they're the ultimate gift-givers. I work with a woman who recently acted as a surrogate. She's a single mother of a young teen, so the circumstances just seemed right for her. I think that it's incredible that she offered to do it.

[splath]

I would for a close friend or family, provided my family situation at the time made it feasible, but that may be easy for me to say, as I probably wouldn't qualify with my history of IF myself and two previous miscarriages. I think it would be terribly difficult, but very rewarding as well.