(Cautiously posting) Not feeling great about my MW...(little vent)

[blessedmom68358]

...and I've told myself all along that it's *just me* and I need to get over it. However, I have no other known options and was lucky to find this one since I live in an illegal state and she's under the radar. I am dead determined, especially now after meeting with several OBs (prior to finding my MW) here, not to have this baby in a hospital, short of an emergency. I want to be at home! (I live in a very 'interventionist' area...and while I did finally find a much more natural OB, there are still hospital policies and so much crapola I just cannot imagine having to endure again this time around. Aside from that, I just want to be in my home and with my family. I feel strongly that it's the safest and best place for both my baby and me.)

Anyway, I'm just feeling so discouraged and don't know what I'm going to do? Being my first HB, I'm really not comfortable going UC...and my DH, while very supportive of HB, is not too keen on that idea either. However, it very well may end up being that or no HB.

I guess I see these posts about how people just loooooove their midwives and I really want that as well. I think I trust mine, overall, but I don't get that warm and fuzzy feeling from her...at all. I'm a sensitive person, by nature, so that is something I think I'll need while giving birth ("lots of unconditional-type love" and soothing words/actions, etc). There have been some little things that have occurred that have really rubbed me the wrong way, too. However, I don't even feel that I can confront her on them...don't want to be misunderstood (and then feel weird for the duration), or worse, mowed over. Actually, I can't be right now. I know I sound like a total wuss. I'm not, but I'm just not a confrontational type and am in a very emotional and vulnerable place right now at almost 28wks along. At the same time, I can't imagine not having someone I feel completely confident and at ease with attending my birth. I seriously could see her snapping at me or something during transition...ugh! I hope I'm wrong. I just wish I had more options here. If I voice my feelings to her, I'm guessing she'll just let me go and I'll have nobody again... I hate thinking I'll very possibly have to settle for less at my own homebirth. And pay out-of-pocket for it, too. (Not easy for us right now.)

Anyway...
I was so excited about my first HB...and now there's a big black cloud of doubt and dread there. Very disheartening for me.

Please don't judge or flame me. I'm dealing with really bad depression now as well (trying to do something about it but it's not been an easy process). This was a very difficult thread for me to start. I just needed to vent this out. Gentle words would be great, but I ask please only kindness if anyone responds. I'm seriously feeling quite fragile these days. It's been a very trying time for me. All I want is to be able to enjoy and cherish this pregnancy...no more unnecessary worries...sigh. I do feel very blessed, of course, but just need to feel surrounded by love, too, I suppose. Ok...guess I really laid myself on the line enough for now.

[zoebird]

\it's ok to feel what you feel. sometimes, just being honest about what you feel can really help you clear those emotions and then feel better about the situation.

[sunnymw]

No flames here at all... if your gut is telling you something, you need to listen and go for it. There are a few things about my MW that I am totally not comfortable with, although we were planning to UC to begin with. I also have no other choice in the area and am paying out of pocket for my care.

My best bit of advice? Listen to your body, your heart, yourself. RESEARCH UC. You should anyway, as a "just in case" thing because the things you learn reading about UC are things EVERY pregnant woman should know, even those planning a hospital birth. And that way you'll be prepared if, come labor, you suddenly decide you're okay by yourself and just forget to call the MW. Maybe not PLAN on UC, but prepare for it anyhow as a vague possibility (and who knows, when DH did this it totally converted him, lol!)

[Luv2Skydive]

Can you get a doula to be present as well? Their side is totally non-medical and they are there for YOU. It could be exactly what you need to make your birth experience the best it can be and to give you some peace of mind. It wouldn't even have to be a doula....maybe just someone who can be sensitive and receptive to your emotional needs during labor.

[georgannemomof6]

Aww, (((HUGS))) I wish I could come help! I'm not a mw, but have loads of birthing under my belt, lol! I think if you tell her how you feel (that during labor you will need lots of support, in just the way you described) that you may find she agrees

[rere]

Maybe you can talk to her about being alone during birth.Maybe she could be there to help out if needed and to ease your fears but leave you(or you and your husband)to birth alone.Maybe if you talk to her about being a private birther.

I always felt a little uneasy around my midwife but fortunately while I was in labor she recognized that things went better when it was just my husband and I so she cleared everyone out and only came to check in every once in a while.It was great.

[LianneM]

your feelings are valid and it's ok to feel them.

I'm in my 2nd pgcy with my midwife and some things are coming up this time I wasn't prepared for. Some I will bring up and others I am trying to let go of. I hope you will be able to get to the point of feeling comfortable where you are.

[1972momma]

Here is what I think: your feelings are totally valid and should be paid attention to, BUT, I really believe the most important thing when it comes to a midwife is her skills, NOT her personality in terms of relating one-on-one with you. In other words, do you feel that you and your baby will be safe and attended to with her attending the birth? If the answer to that is yes, then I would suggest taking some time to explore your feelings about what it is you're not getting from her ... and, rather than talking with her about it -- because, you don't want her feeling burdened with taking care of you emotionally if that's not her style, you just want her focused on her skills and doing her job -- think outside the box as to where you CAN get those things. I totally understand wanting nurturing and hand-holding, etc., I am that way as well, which is why we've hired a doula ... she's there for precisely that purpose. Know that there are many doulas everywhere who are working toward their certification and would love to attend your birth either for free or for a fraction of the usual cost ... I am a new doula myself, and I can tell you that what I lacked in experience I think I always more than made up for in love and care for my mommies. Let us know how it goes.

[Mamatolea]

You have to go with your gut. You are the mama, so you know best, it just stinks that you are in such a poor situation

I hope it gets figured out!!

[Meche]

Are there any doulas in your area? Maybe if you found one that provides that emotional support and connection that you crave, then you could discuss with your midwife her role being primarily medical attention. Your doula could be the buffer during labor so that you can relax and have the experience you are dreaming and planning for. I don't know any midwives that actually mind having a doula there to do all the hands-on support!

Good luck!

[HappyMommy2]

I agree with finding a doula. Find a touchy/feeling one that gives you a good vibe. I loved my HB ... and recommend doing what you can to stay away from the ob/hosp.

[LolaK]

If your feelings are about her competance then I think you need to act. Birth can be serious so having a midwife who doesn't know what she is doing is not good.

If your feelings are really just about warm fuzzy stuff I would get a doula who is warm and fuzzy or find a friend/family member to act as a doula. If HB is illegal not sure about finding a doula to attend one?

[MsBlack]

Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this right now.

While I can see why some would say that her skills are more important than your relationship together, my own opinion is that there is really no separating the two. Midwifery is a holistic practice--for the mw to effectively work with the Whole Woman, she needs to be connecting well with that woman, personally. My experience is that the better the connection, the more effectively the mw can apply her skills. Also, the better that connection and the more safe and cozy mom feels, the less likely the mom/baby will even need the mw's more advanced skills (look into Michel Odent's recent articles on the importance to outcomes of emotional safety for pregnant and laboring women). Not to mention that if you can't feel perfectly comfortable, if it doesn't actually hang up your labor--which is possible--it will at least cast a pall over something that ought to be one of your warmest and most beautiful memories.

Any chance of talking to the other mws you know of, to see if you can work something out with one of them? There are most always options....and while you are getting well along now, there really is still time.

And of course, there is UC, too, something I've chosen more than once myself.

All the best in sorting this out. I agree with others that listening to yourself right now is very important. You are getting a message from within....listen carefully, you will know what further steps to take.

Hugs!

[janasmama]

Feeling like your midwife may snap at you during labor is not a good feeling. Maybe you can just say something at you next prenatal and just emphasize it over the next couple of months....

Maybe tell her what you have told us here...that you've been thinking about your birth, visualizing it, and you really feel like you are going to need.....

You don't have to be critical but then at least you can get some kind of response from her and then decide.

If you have the option to have a midwife and can let things go and/or communicate them it is so worth it rather than being alone and needing to "watch" for signs/symptoms yourself, especially if you husband isn't keen on the idea of UC.

[pamamidwife]

MsBlack says so perfectly what I think.

I'm the type of midwife that wants to know if my clients feel this way. I'm not the most demonstrative midwife...if you want a motherly, let-me-hold-you-in-my-arms midwife then it's not likely going to be me. But I think people can get that from first meeting me.

I don't think I'm cold, though. I dunno - maybe some of my clients think so.

I would really want to know. I hope that all of my clients feel ok telling me how they feel about what I'm giving them. Chances are, when they do reveal things, I am aware of it deep inside. It helps to bring it up, talk about it and see if there is a way to make things different.

[blessedmom68358]

Thank you, everyone, for the input. I'm really exhausted (funny how mommying, pregnancy, and depression can do that to ya), so don't have it in me to respond individually at this time, but I'm very grateful for your insights. Many were very helpful and I will be weighing my options and/or praying for change in the next month or so.

The funny thing is, aside from my DH and kids, I'm not a "touchy-feely" type so I guess that's not exactly what I meant in my original post. I don't really want my midwife "holding me in her arms" (if that makes sense). That seems weird to me unless it's my DH. (We're a snuggly, affectionate family with one another, but tend to usually be more reserved on the 'outside', if you will...my brain is in a fog right now so I may not be making much sense...)

I just need to know that I'll feel comfortable, safe, and emotionally supported when I know I'll need it most. I'll give one example of something that happened recently that made me feel very uncomfortable and uncertain in relation to all of this:

First let me say that I don't generally ask for help unless I need it. Well, at my last appt, she had me lie back on her couch to check baby's hb, postioning, etc. When she was done, I began to get up but couldn't roll to the side since she was there. She had her hand out but had also turned to talk to my DH. I thought she was offering to help me up, but then took her hand away as I accepted the offer. Apparently she was just in the midst of gesturing? It was an awkward moment for me and due to both my own and her positioning, I felt 'stuck' lying down and needed to get up (can't stay on my back long now). I hadn't caught on yet that she was apparently gesturing and not offering a hand up, so in that awkward moment I asked (and I never do this!), "Could you please help me up?" She immediately and firmly said, "No. You do it yourself." Now I know that sounds like a little thing...and maybe it is...but on the drive home all I kept envisioning was really needing help or support during labor and being told that I needed to do something about it myself...or worse. That's certainly not a time I personally want to be in that position. Also, I've asked a couple of questions and have had some concerns about my health (both prenatally, and potentially, postnatally...nothing life-threatening or anything...just rather common things I think) that I've asked her about and I'm not getting responses. I was told I'd get an answer on something we specifically spoke about at my last appt. but I didn't, so I contacted her. I only got half an answer, so I asked more specifically. A week later, I've still gotten no response. Without elaborating too much, one of the things, in particular, is a really big issue with me and it's just very discouraging.

Hopefully things will improve. Again, thank you for your ideas and advice...and for taking it easy on this tired 'ol mama.

[Luv2Skydive]

Huh. She refused to help you up at your request? That gave me an uncomfortable feeling just reading that. I'm NOT one to ask for help either.....it's a control thing and very hard for me to reach out, so if that were to happen I would feel embarrassed and rejected. That one moment would definitely stick with me unless I brought it up and cleared the air, if you feel comfortable doing that. How odd that she blatantly refused to give you simple assistance. Although I do trust myself and my body, I think a midwife should also build your confidence considering what you are about to experience together, and I don't think she did that, even if it was her intention to show you are self-reliant?

[MsBlack]

Hmmm....

There are 2 kinds of mws in my experience who refuse to answer questions:
1. She doesn't really know the answer and doesn't want you to realize this. She probably also doesn't have, or doesn't want to make, the time to look into it so that she can share resources with you on your questions. Her manner is generally authoritative, but beneath it is someone who needs....shall we say....some updating of her knowledge base And she does not want you to know that there is ever anything that she does not know. And if she is busy or otherwise distracted in her life, she may simply forget that you have a question she said she would answer...and in this case, probably has no idea how important it is to you....as you have said, she is not big on the personal connection stuff and so is not getting your signals anyway.

2. She doesn't like it that you are asking questions--at least certain questions. She believes that you shouldn't be bothering yourself about matters that she feels should properly be in her hands (and mind), not yours. It is a style of practicing, kinda of what I call a 'medical style', as in "you shouldn't be worrying your little head about such things, let me handle that". She may well know the answers, just wants to have control over the knowledge; she may believe that your wish to know is a reflection of not trusting her, and/or a reflection of you being generally obsessed w/fears (which also means you don't trust *her* to make everything go well). In other words, she takes it kind of personally and has a hard time seeing it as a valid wish for information that might empower you without in the least harming your relationship together.

There may be other reasons--those 2 represent mws I've known. Neither of them particularly wants equal partnership with you, they want to be the authority on birth and on you. That is simply a choice some mws make--and some clients want it that way. You have to decide if this is what YOU want, and can be comfortable enough with it.

As for the awkward moment on the couch, OUCH! I totally feel for you, both for the awkwardness you surely felt, as well as the feeling that you'd been bossed/scolded somehow, and so surprisingly. I'm pretty assertive myself, but I don't know as I'd be able to keep a mw who did that. During the one time I lived somewhere where there was a choice of mws, I dumped one after 2 visits who was similarly bossy. I think that there is a long way between 'cold' and 'fussy-nurturing'--and most women want something in that area between (some a little more on the nurturing side, some a little more on the cool side).

I think if it were me (and this is just me), I'd consider how well I was really feeling overall about the mw. If I mostly felt that all was well but there were some rough edges so to speak, I would try to figure out how to work things out. Maybe hire a doula (or invite a close friend), maybe talk w/the mw about some of these things to see if we can get through misunderstandings or just find out if she is able to be a bit flexible for me. If I already liked her well enough, and felt that there was a basis for trust and good will between us, it would not seem too daunting to try to talk it over. On the other hand, if I really had doubts about our personal connection, I'd probably just start looking for someone new, and not waste the time and uncomfortable feelings on the effort to work things out.

Again, you have to decide how strong your feelings are on all sides of this. One thing I can tell you is that if there are other mws in your area, many times you can change this late without having to start over on the fee. That is, if you've already paid for some of your prenatal care, a lot of mws will allow for that in the fee that they charge you. This is seldom the case when you choose to initiate care this late, having had no other care at all--but many mws if not all, will give some $ credit for care already obtained.

[barefootpoetry]

Here's another "go with your gut" vote. It is almost always right!

I have not yet chosen a homebirth MW to attend me, but I have a relatively similar fear, that I just won't be able to gel with whoever I choose (and like you, I don't have many options). I often fantasize about giving birth in the middle of the night while DH is at work and DS is asleep, and the baby comes so quickly and peacefully that I just don't bother to call the MW. Yet for some reason, I can't get my brain to wrap around intentionally having a UC...the bridge between C-section and HBAC is big enough already!

Speaking of which, I think that may attribute to my fear: I've been so totally screwed by CPs in the past that perhaps it's coloring my ability to put my trust in another one this time. I'm just not used to the idea of a medical professional doing what *I* want them to do vs. forcing me to do what THEY want me to do. Perhaps when I meet and choose a MW, I will click with her so well that this fear will completely dissipate and I will be able to trust her without a worry. Perhaps not. But I think 1972momma made a very good point: when it comes down to the nitty gritty, the most important thing is a skilled MW, and if that is what she is, then hopefully both you and I can overlook any personality clashes and just focus on having a good, successful birth.

Best of luck to you!

[holothuroidea]

Oh dear, oh dear!

Oh dear!

I am worried for you. If home birth midwifery is illegal in your state then... you might as well UC. I'm only saying this because I've heard too many stories of women who are abandoned mid-hemorrhage because their MW is afraid of going to jail (which she should be). She also cannot administer medication (antibiotics, anti-hemorrhage), which is one of the great advantages of having a MW when you need them.

If this woman is going to abandon you when you need her, even just to get up off her couch, then you might as well UC. There's nothing she can do that you or your DH can't.

If you're not comfortable with UC, find a good CNM and birth in the hospital. There are many ways to accomplish natural birth in interventive hospitals, and you don't have to stay there if you don't want to. It might be a hassle, but anything you experience in the hospital probably wont be as traumatizing as having your waters stained with thick meconium and your midwife saying, "I'm leaving, do not tell anyone I was here." (This has happened before).

Also consider that she is someone who is making money off of an illegal practice. Is she trustworthy? Is she doing anything to make home birth midwifery legal in your state?

I don't mean to sound harsh. Remember that however your birth goes, there's a beautiful baby and a wonderful family waiting for you at the end of it. s

Oh... please do feel better! More s