(Cautiously posting) Not feeling great about my MW...(little vent) - Page 2

[blessedmom68358]

Thank you, MsBlack. I appreciate your kind words and advice very much! I think I'll see how my appt this month goes and then reassess. I've taken a deep breath today (Mon and Tues were just all-around cruddy), did hear back from her on the one primary issue, and am trying to not let my emotions run away with me. Isn't pregnancy fun in that way? I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, yet I know I need to figure out -and do- what's best. Not easy. Hopefully the dust will clear and I'll just 'know'. It doesn't hurt to have my DH's input either. Even though it's not the same POV as mine, he is usually there and will be with me through the birth. While the ultimate decision is mine, I do greatly value his insight...and his level-head.


holothuroidea - Thank you for your concern...really! I am grateful for it; thank you for caring so much. As for my MW, I know she wouldn't abandon me in an emergency. She would act as my doula if a transfer became necessary (and is experienced with that aspect); we've already covered that. She wasn't feeling well at my last appt so was maybe just having a bad day? I don't know? I think she's just very busy right now, but from my end it feels like I'm being pushed aside at times. Hopefully there's still ample chance to connect more. Professionally, though, she is very proactive about the legality (or lack thereof) and I feel safe physically. I'm thinking that that "proactivity" is what's taking so much of her time...maybe lots of new babies lately, too...? We'll see...but hoping for the best for now.

ETA: A good CNM in a hospital here doesn't happen. CNMs cannot 'deliver' here. However, I did find an exceptional OB who was all for au natural. My DH and I have had four, low-risk (and unnecessarily interventative) vaginal hospital births though. Even with a great Dr, CNM, or what-have-you, we're not okay with hospitals for a low-risk birth anymore. I have had one meconium baby because of not being allowed to push (fully dilated/effaced) - she got stressed. Why? The OB was running late. They pulled my sputtering DD out and away from me, intubated her roughly, and whisked her off. I knew nothing for 1.5hrs and sat there missing that first precious hour with her. Nobody would tell me what was going on; it was devastating...thankfully, it had a good ending. However, it should not have happened. I've also had a nurse bring me the wrong baby (after insisting early in the morning that she had to be taken and examined by the on-call ped with the other babies on the floor) and then argue with me when I told her about it. Fortunately she saw her error...and I didn't see her again during my stay. She didn't apologize or anything. Needless to say, I have little faith in maternity 'wards'. FWIW, my DH works at a hospital and he feels the same way. And the germs....EWWWW!

Thanks, again, to you all!

[holothuroidea]

I am so glad to hear all those wonderful things about your midwife.

I think that you should talk to her about it. The way she handles it may very well be an accurate gauge of how she'll be able to support you during labor.

Remember, this is all about you and your baby, not the midwife!!!

[Joezmom]

The doula route sounds like a good option. Any chance of using a doula in the hospital with the OB you like?

[MsBlack]

Blessed--

You're welcome, and I'm glad to hear that you feel you're starting to get a handle on things. Try to trust in your own instincts (and your level-headed dh's) to guide you toward the birth you most want.

holothuroidea--

Wow, that was indeed harsh. Yes, I have known an illegal mw or 2 to abandon clients...not saying this never happens tho thankfully in my years of practice, meeting and hearing of other mws, this type seems to be in the great minority. Most would prefer to serve a jail sentence than have to live with the thought that a mother or babe was harmed by the mw's abandonment in an emergency. As far as 'making money off an illegal practice' and whether or not therefore she is trustworthy--well that is pretty much beyond the pale for me. There is a far cry between someone, say, making money off illegal drug trade or burglary, and a mw earning an honest living that serves families so tremendously but unfortunately has to be conducted as an act of Civil Disobedience-- complete with threat of arrest not to mention losing everything (your home, etc) trying to pay for lawyers. I am proud to say that the illegal mws I've known have been among the most courageous and trustworthy of people, who take their responsibility to Life very seriously indeed. A large number--way too large! have indeed lost everything trying to pay for lawyers, and some have sat in jail on behalf of their convictions. By the way, the vast majority of mw arrests (not all, but MOST) occur due to complaints initiated by med. ppl upon homebirth transport to hospital--these battles are NOT initiated by families. And in most cases, families refuse to testify against their mw--who has earned their trust and loyalty with her efforts for them.

And just so you know, LOTS of illegal mws have the unofficial support of med providers who help them get things like injectable pitocin. Not that all such mws carry med. substances--but I would say that the great majority do. Not to mention that there are a variety of natural means to control hemorrhage, for instance, at least until med help is available.

Sorry to hijack, but I thought it needed to be said. Your comments were not just harsh--they were made with insufficient knowledge of the realities of illegal midwifery. I hope you will reconsider some of your beliefs on this topic!

[amberof3]

Trust your instincts

It's so important to trust your instincts. Maybe your MW is coming from a place of fear herself as she is trying to operate "under radar". I think it's important to have an open dialog as much as possible.
Beyond that if you're still feeling uncomfortable (and I've heard good and bad about MW's) it might be best to go with a very knowledgable doula and see what info you can find on UC... I know there are a lot of great yahoo groups on this subject. My BF had one a year ago. 10 lb 8oz baby from 120 lb 5'4" frame. Acynclitic head, posterior. She said it was hard work, but awesome and irreplaceable experience and she'd do it all over again. I'm preggo with #3, I have a MW that I love, but am still considering UC.
You may want to check out the Trustbirth.com website and then ask your MW how she feels about that. It may give you a better indication of where she's coming from too.
Hope that helps.

Amber

[~Megan~]

Have you thought about hiring a doula you are comfortable with and using her as your support person. Ask the midwife to remain hands off and give you space. Then your doula is the one giving you the words and touch you need.

I know I've seen births with really active midwives but that wasn't my experience at all. Mine just hung back and let me do what I needed to do. She was just monitoring it all, keeping an eye out for my needs and any urgent situations.

[jaceycat24]

i am a little concerned with her refusal to help you up. i didn't read all the posts but i would suggest going into finding your tribe for your state and asking about midwives there. there probably are more that are under the radar. i hope you find one and if not i would get a doula. i have two midwives and a doula. i was very clear that i most likely will labor with my doula and only call my midwife when i am going to push. mine is fine with this. she said that she would chill out in the kitchen and come when called. she respects my feelings.

[holothuroidea]

MsBlack- I really think you jumped the gun on this one.

First of all, I never said that illegal midwives are not trustworthy. I simply called it into question, which is only reasonable. We should be calling the trustworthiness of anyone who delivers our babies into question.

As for the making money off of an illegal practice... is it not true? If someone does this without any intentions of making their practice legal, how are they different? I know that it's not as black and white as that, but I also prefer not to live with my head in the sand. You simply have to question their honesty. If they're honest, then they've got nothing to worry about.

My post was never meant to be harsh or offensive, and you reacted assuming that I mean the midwifery community harm. This is simply not true. I support midwifery in illegal states, and midwives should be actively involved in making their practice legal. If I lived in an illegal state, you have no idea how many letters I'd be writing to the government about it.

Also, next time if you need to confront me about something like this, a PM would probably be more appropriate. I do not appreciate being misrepresented in public forum like this, where I have to respond publicly so OTHER people don't think I hate midwives or something.

I'm starting to find that this place isn't any more supportive than that other place that I won't mention.

Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I suppose I am easily misunderstood.

:

[elfinbaby]

Getting a doula do "advocate" with you is good advice if you can find one you are comfortable with.

I understand not being confrontational. I'm not either. I avoid it at all costs. I even type up posts on MDC and then don't post them b/c I'm such a wuss But you should honor what you are feeling. What's that quote "Say what you mean even if your voice quivers." Something like that.

I'd also HIGHLY recommend reading The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth. It discusses the downsides and risks we women take when we ally ourselves with the wrong hcp or mw during birthing. It's my fave right now.

Too many times we mamas ignore what our instincts are telling us. I have done it. It's so silly of us. I thought "I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'll forgive 'x'. I'm taking this the wrong way." and on and on. Then it turns out I was right all along. If you have the time, just relax, do something to empower yourself, read some empowering books about cb/preg. then talk to the mw. Birthing is way too big a deal to let fears of anothers reaction to stand in your way of having the birth you desire and need to birth safely.

[MsBlack]

holothuroidea--

I will again answer publically for the same reason I did so in the first place: you raised an issue in this thread--publically--that I thought should be addressed publically. It concerns info and thoughts that many people having/considering homebirth can benefit from. In that sense, neither my initial response to you nor this one are intended 'personally', but are addressed to all on something of general interest.

In your initial post, you mentioned that maybe you were being 'harsh'. I only agreed with that--did not originate the term in my response, btw.

I quite agree that we should question the honesty--the honesty, motivations, integrity and heart--of ANYONE who might assist our births. You particularly mentioned questioning the honesty of she who earns a living from an illegal practice. However, IMO, it is those who practice legally--hmmm, those who practice both legally AND in the position of most social acceptance (OBs)--whose motivations and honesty need most closely to be examined. That's because they profit the most from their apparently 'honest, legal' work..and they have the most opportunity and loopholes through which to pad their profits (from extra, needless u/s, csecs...all kinds of ways not open to illegal mws). And I don't say this to pick on OBs in particular--I firmly believe in 'caveat emptor'--let the buyer beware--in ALL of our transactions.

If you know any illegal mws who make anything like what OBs do....I"d be extremely surprised! Not that every illegal mw is poor, and some do fairly well. However, the very status of being illegal, and having to rely on clientele who can afford to pay cash rather than through insurance, not being able to openly advertise, acts as a pretty definite cap on earning capacity. So, while I would never try to say that all illegal mws are paragons of virtue....well, it does take a certain kind of virtue, IMO, to be willing to deal with the limitations on earning AS WELL AS the risk to freedom and security imposed by that illegal status.

It is possible I misunderstood you initially. I was going on what you said, the words you used in particular. And again, this is not meant as a personal confrontation or scolding, but addressed generally to those impacted by the issue of illegal midwifery. I agree--question honesty, integrity, motivations, and take nothing for granted--question that in ANYONE who provides health/birth/ANY services. But being legal or illegal, per se, does NOT, IMO, say anything at all about the 'honesty' (etc) of a mw. I *so wish* life could be that easily categorized and understood!