"playing doctor"

[KaraBoo]

I think most MDC moms are in agreement that sexual exploration, as long as it isn't coerced, is healthy and normal.

But I've never seen anyone talk about the reality of happening upon your kids in such moments. Do you stop the encounter? If so, in what way do you stop it? What do you say in the moment?

For what it's worth, this hasn't happened in our family. Yet. I just am curious and want to sort of plan my reaction, if you will.

I guess I am wondering about this because I feel like she isn't really interested in what another person's body looks like. She's been around nudity and we talk about sex when the subject comes up. She is very matter-of-fact about it. I'm just thinking about what might come as she gets older...as I said, planning my response

[Arduinna]

Do kids 12 and up play Dr? I'm not really aware of any kids this old that do that. They certainly should have already received enough sex ed and puberty info that they know the differences between boys and girls bodies.

[KaraBoo]

ah. perhaps this is the wrong forum. I never know where to post stuff about a 9 yr old. Sometimes I see stuff about kids that age in here and sometimes in the other forum.

[Arduinna]

IIRC we have discussed it a lot in Parenting Issues, but I never heard of any kids playing Dr over the age of about 6. But maybe they do?

[Linda on the move]

I think 9 is a bit old for playing doctor. I would put a stop to it, and I would speak frankly about sexually, make sure we had books on hand, talk to her about privacy, etc.

It just isn't appropriate.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

Do kids 12 and up play Dr? I'm not really aware of any kids this old that do that. They certainly should have already received enough sex ed and puberty info that they know the differences between boys and girls bodies.

I was going to say the same thing. l don't know if a 12 yr old has received "enough" sex ed by that age to not be curious in an immature manner but playing doctor does seem too immature.

[Ruthla]

Sex exploration at age 9 or older is unlikely to come in a "playing doctor" format. I think you'd be more likely to find a child this age looking for printed or online materials, asking questions about sex, etc.

Older kids with a basic understanding of human sexuality are likely to understand that sexual exploration with another person is, indeed sexual. Either they'll attempt it knowing pretty much what theyr'e getting into, or they'll avoid that behavior.

[KaraBoo]

I guess I should have been clearer.

I don't think my dd would be asking to play doctor. I guess I'm just wondering why she never went through this phase. She seems totally comfortable with talking about sex and her body and bodies in general.

We just joined a new homeschooling group and one focus right now seems to be kissing and crushes and such. I'm just wondering how this will manifest.

Anyway, thanks for the replies!

[Ruthla]

My kids never did either. I don't think there's anything abnormal about that. Any questions they've had about sex they've been able to ask me and I've answered them to the best of my ability, using books, illustrations, websites, etc. as needed.

My kids aren't into kissing or boys or actual dating yet, and it's something I'm going to discourage (but not outright ban) due to religious beliefs. But DD1 and friends are joking about sex, finding innuendo in everything, etc. She's also reading novels that involve adult situations, and drawing pictures of Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley Potter kissing.

DD2 is doing all she can to hold onto childhood as long as possible, no matter what changes her body is going through!

[Alkenny]

Niether of my older two ever did niether. No worries there. DD is on her second 'serious' boyfriend now, too.

[laohaire]

I agree the premise of "doctor" is probably outgrown by age 12, but exploratory play might not be.

A male high school friend admitted to me that he had "experimented" with another male friend of his around the ages of 11-13 I believe. Not playing "doctor" but some sort of presexual or possibly even sexual play. Kind of like "does yours do this?" I think. Not sure if any mutual touching was involved.

And I remember myself that my female friend once had the idea to try sort of humping (fully clothed). I honestly can't remember the age but around 9 might be reasonable. My mother walked in the room and we explained we were "wrestling." I don't know if she thought we were doing something otherwise but she just suggested we go to get ice cream or something like that, and that was the end of it. I was a bit embarassed and I'm glad that, if my mom suspected we were doing a different kind of horsing around, that she gave me some space and didn't interrogate or lecture or anything. We weren't hurting each other or doing anything wrong, so I don't see the point of making a big deal if you think the play is mutual and not extreme. I'd do what my mother did and just say, hey, let's watch a movie, get ice cream, whatever. FWIW my friend and I never played that again.

PS: I also agree there's nothing unusual about NOT exploring. I probably wouldn't have if my friend didn't have the idea. I wasn't overly curious, but was ok with going along. For exploring to happen, you have to have just 1 kid who wants to and another willing to go along - so it's not necessarily the case that both kids in a dyad are curious.

[ananas]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

Do kids 12 and up play Dr?

That was my thought exactly. Once the preteen years are reached, it's no longer playing doctor, it's sexually experimenting.

ETA: Just read that you were talking about your 9 year old, at that age I would also call it experimenting.

[KaraBoo]

ok. I feel I should just change the title of the thread. i don't want anyone to get hooked into answering the "playing doctor" angle when what I really meant was sexual exploration with another child. Sorry for the confusion!

[tireesix]

Yes kids over 6 play Doctor lol........... Just remembering my school days and a certain conversation, it does happeen, its just not reeally talked about and usually happens where adults can't find them...... The kids I am talking about were aged around 10.

[SJane01]

Personally I think non-coerced sexual exploration of prepubescent children is acceptable, be it 13 or 9 or 6, as long as its within a 'peer' age range. a 13yo and a 5 year old would not be a good thing, a pair of young 12yo's finding out how the ohter person works and they are both consentingly, i think is a good, healthy thing.

I remember when i was 12, and just entering puberty I did some show and touch sessions with peer friends, and nothing bad ever happend.

one was even a boy.

[KaraBoo]

so as a parent, if you know this is occurring, you say nothing? If you happen upon the encounter, you stop it? Let it continue? Close the door and say, "oops. sorry!" LOL I'm looking for real life experiences here.

[Inci]

I recommend the book "The Secret Lives of Girls: What Good Girls Really Do--Sex Play, Aggression, and Their Guilt," by Sharon Lamb. Go read the blurb at Amazon, and see if it sounds helpful to you!

[holothuroidea]

I remember doing a lot of "sexual experimentation" throughout my whole childhood, mostly a lot of "role playing" and what I would call sexual discussion past the age of 10.

I remember a friend of mine brought over one of her parents pornography tapes when she spent the night and we watched it. We had a discussion about "well, I would never do THAT" and "that can't feel goodl!" and "what do you think that feels like?" I was around 11-12.

I can't tell you how I would respond as a parent, but I'll give you my experience with my own Mom. She pretty much ignored everything, and if I brought something up she would get really nervous and yell at me. This made me feel guilty for what was normal and healthy for a very long time. I would certainly discourage this kind of parenting.

I think that what I really craved from my Mom was for her to open up to me about her own experiences so I didn't feel so weird inside for being curious. I think that's a good way to talk about sex without it sounding like a lecture. I used to talk to my grandmother like this. I would ask her if it was wrong to kiss boys on the first date and she would say something like... "Well, I remember I did once, and..." then she would give me y'know, the consequences she faced and how she felt about it. That was pretty awesome.

HTH

[homeschoolingmama]

Well my oldest is 5 so I am completely sure how I would react. I am pretty open minded I think. (I may not be AS open minded when they get older..don't think about it..don't think about it ) but when it comes with sexual exploration I think I will be ok. I wouldn't want my children watching porn or something unnatural but if it is with a friend..fine. I think it also depends on if the friend is with a boy or a girl. I am hoping that my children will know the ins and outs (no pun intended ) of sex/making love.
If I walked in on my daughter and another friend I would do as an above poster said..suggest something else for them to do. Not a big deal. They are just exploring and I feel that is healthy. I can't see myself closing the door and allowing it to happen but I wouldn't talk to her about it. I would just smoothly change the situation.
Now if my daughter were with a little boy I would probably have a little talk with her. I wouldn't make a huge deal about it but I would want her to know what is appropriate and what is not. I want my children to feel comfortable coming to me with whatever is happening in their lives. I plan to stay calm and comfortable with them.
I remember experimenting with both girls and boys when I was young. Up until an older age I thought I had sex with a boy because I didn't realize there was a hole down there. It is cute to think about now but at the time I felt ashamed and bad. I don't even recall where I saw this. I have no idea how I got the idea to do this. Maybe the boy suggested it?? Who knows. I think if my children are experimenting like this I will have to look back to my childhood and it will remind me that it is ok. I turned out fine.